A Dog's Life

I've been realising that this blog is SADLY neglected!! Not because I don't have the time (Okay well maybe that's a valid excuse this month) or the want to write, I just don't really have anything exciting to write about... at least not on baby news.

We have been strangely at peace since we were last at the doctors. I have my moments when I feel like crying, but really that's no different then the past 4 years. Christmas will be hard. Christmas sucks without kids. I can't imagine waking up every Christmas morning to an empty house. What a bore. Anyways, Christmas is hard because it reminds me that the year before I thought that by now for SURE I would have a baby or be pregnant. Its a "great" reminder of just how long it has been since we started TTC. :(

I think the best thing that has happened to keep my mind off babies is the dog. Tillsley has been such a blessing for me. Even though I get so frustrated at times, it is all worth it. And it really has taught me a lot about parenting. He's up all night (he's been sick with diarrhea), I have to "puppy" proof my home (yesterday he got into the cupboard below the sink and ate a Magic Eraser), I have been giving him medicine (for the diarrhea... he doesn't like it!), taking him to the vet (I stepped on him... oops!) and the best part is that because he is soooo small I can carry him around with me everywhere and everyone stops to say hello and pet him! (He really is a great ministry tool) I bring him to the office regularly because our Family Services volunteer owns a chihuahua puppy too, from the same breeder. So Tillsley and Ringo play lots together.

Below is a short clip of Tillsley. The quality isn't great because it was taken on my camera.

Well, I guess that is it. The new year will probably bring with it a little more baby news. Until then, have a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year! God Bless!

Shannon

UPDATE

I guess I should give everyone an update. Where to begin...

First, Jeff and I are coping with last weeks disturbing news very well right now. The first couple days were hard, but we have been able to give it over to God, knowing that his will is right for us. It is still hard sometimes, especially when I see people who are pregnant, but there have been no tears about it all since that first day.

Second, I talked to a lady this week that mentioned her mother had IVF paid for by an organization in Calgary. We knew there was a fund for IVF... but it was nice talking to someone who had experience with it. So I looked it up online and found out that there is a good chance that we will qualify for it! We have to wait until February when we go back to the Doctor to ask about it... it will be a long wait!

Third, we got a puppy!! His name is Tillsley and he is a pure breed Chihuahua. He is such a cutie! Our Thrift Store manager breeds them, and let's just say I got a good deal for taking care of all the puppies for a week while she was gone. So far he has been great. We are Pee-Pad training him which is going well... somedays! We had a little trouble at night with whining and barking, but we put his crate in our bedroom and now he doesn't make a sound at night. The cats are a little annoyed with him since all he wants to do is play... but the last day or so they have been getting along a little better, even crawling into my lap to all have a snuggle.

Isn't he cute!! Not much of a dog... Jeff says it's like a hamster that is allowed to run around the house!

I think that is all the news so far. Christmas is starting up in a couple weeks so life will once again be crazy busy. That's good for us... keeps our minds off of baby things!

Have a great day!

Shannon

We've made it through the last few days and it has become a little easier... although it hasn't really sunk in yet. I never realised how many times a day I would think about being pregnant... until now when I have to tell myself to let it go. And its the simplest things, like taking Advil and thinking, "when I get pregnant I will need to get Tylenol" (Tylenol is safer then Advil when pregnant). Or talking to someone about babies and refraining from saying "When I'm pregnant".

Something else that has been hard is the realizations of what we are going to miss out on. I was looking at pictures of a friend of mine with her daughter and thinking how much they look alike when I realised that we won't get to see if our child will have red hair or blond, fair skin or tan. There won't be any mini-me's running around. And until you have that dream taken away you don't realise how much that actually matters.

So what is our plan? Jeff and I have decided to look into adoption and will be pursuing that right away (as soon as I figure out how!). We figure that we will work towards this and if God closes the door we will know that it isn't for us. And the thought of adoption is exciting. I have always thought that it would be great to give a child a loving home. I just always thought we would have our own as well.

Supposedly Alberta has been trying for years to include Infertility treatments like IVF in the provincial health care plan. Maybe some day it will be included and we will be able to do IVF. And who knows, maybe we will get pregnant on our own... 1% is better then nothing! Although I am not holding on to this hope. I just can't go through the next 15 years thinking every month that I might be pregnant. 4 years is long enough.

I want to thank all of you for your support and prayers. Sometimes I feel like such a drama queen, but through it all you have loved us. Thank you so much!

Shannon

My worst nightmare... come true

My hands are shaking as I write this. I just can't believe it.

As you know we had a doctors appointment today at the infertility clinic. I was looking forward to this meeting thinking that finally we would get some answers and a plan together. Well, we got some answers alright. The doctor told us that we only have a 1 % chance of ever getting pregnant on our own. I'm shocked... I just can't believe that this is happening. He told us that basically our only chances of ever having a baby is through IVF ($10,000). IUI ($400) won't work for us.

Needless to say we are devastated by this news. Even though we obviously knew something was wrong, we could pretend that it was just timing.... now the cover has been blown. We are officially "infertile". Wow, that word sounds so hollow.

Tears are falling as I write this. I just can't imagine never feeling a baby inside me. Never having a chance to hear the heartbeat of my unborn baby. Never experiencing what it is like to hold an infant that lived inside of you for 9 months. I just can't imagine....

But, as sad and hurt and broken I feel I know that God will be our strength. I know that he will be our guide.

Please pray for us. Pray that we will see what path God has for us. Pray that we will have the strength to continue on. Pray that he will be able to heal our broken hearts.

blessings,

Shannon

We got a call!!!

Last week we got a call from the fertility clinic in Calgary. Our appointment is booked for November 6th. I am so happy!! The last couple months have been kind of relaxing, baby wise, but I'm ready to start trying again. I'm hoping that this appointment will finally get the ball rolling towards some sort of treatment. IUI is what we are thinking and I hope that we can do it soon. I would love to be pregnant by Christmas!! That's wishful thinking though!

I will let you all know how the appointment goes next week. Keep praying!!

Shannon

PS. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Hello out there!

Sorry to all my faithful readers... life has been just a little too busy to be updating a blog. Plus there really isn't anything to report. Jeff and I have taken the last few months off from TTC and will probably take the next few off as well. We just really need the break and until we get into see the fertility specialist in Calgary there really isn't much chance that we will get pregnant anyways. Of course, you never know what the Lord will have in store!

Jeff and I, this last month, have really started to get back on track spiritually. It can be hard as a pastor sometimes. Your work (writing sermons, studying, reading) can start to take the place of personal time with the Lord which is not good. So these next few months we will be putting our focus back on God and forgetting (yeah right!! lol!) the baby thing for a while. I've also started to tell myself that I will be okay if God decides that we are not to have children. That has been a hard one to take, but on days I'm actually okay with it. I need to be sure and prove that my relationship with Christ is more important then a child.

So, it could be another long wait for my next post. I figure it will probably be when I get a call from the fertility specialist. So, keep checking back every so often to see. Thank you everyone for your prayers and thoughts... please keep them coming!

Shannon

A Much Needed Month Off... again

No baby this month either... I just needed a break after last month. I'm finding I'm taking more and more months off this year. I guess it's just getting to me as time goes by. Part of me is happy to have a break. Part of me is sad to have a break. And part of me is mad that I am even needing to have a break. So lets just say I'm one messed up chick!

I'm hoping this month I will get a call from the hospital in Calgary about what’s next. I want to find out about the IUI. I'm wondering if they are waiting for a blood test that I was supposed to do this month but couldn't because I was in Red Deer. I'm hoping not since I've had that test done before. We shall see.

So anyways, this could be a slow month on my blog... not that I've been posting much anyway. Depends on whether the doctor's office phones. I'll keep you posted!

Shannon

I Would Die For That

I found this video on YouTube. It's a music video by Kellie Coffey who struggled with infertility herself. Thought I would share it with you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

Shannon

Made it through... on to another month!

Sorry for worrying some of you with my last post. I forget sometimes that you only see the comments I make in the heat of the moment and not the time after. As heartbroken as I was to see AF come, as angry and disappointed I was at not being pregnant... again, I'm okay. It is always hardest the first day, and then the pain slowly drains away as the days pass by. And then hope starts to take the place of pain and the roller coaster ride starts all over again. Unfortunately, this has become the norm in my life.

We were away in Red Deer this week and while there we went to "Parables" the christian book store. While there I found a book called "Empty Womb, Aching Heart". It's a collection of short stories written by both men and women, about their struggles with infertility. It is Christian based, so the stories are mainly about God's grace. The stories so far have been very helpful. The first two in the book were exactly what I was needing those first few days after AF arrived.

The first chapter is titled "Crying In The Diaper Aisle". It was because of this title that I bought the book. I have had many a tear in the "Diaper Aisle". The chapter is about a lady, Megan, and her husband who have been trying for 5 years to get pregnant with no luck. She talks about how she use to never cry but now all of a sudden she cries at anything baby related, TV Shows, parents at the mall, the child on the diaper box. And every time she cries she rememberes what people have said to her:

"God's timing is perfect" my friends would say. "God knows what's best," my pastor assured us. "Get a hold of yourself," my mother urged. "Christians are supposed to be happy. Remember all things work together for good to those who love the Lord!"

"Maybe they were right. Did my tears show a lack of faith? Did these sudden outbursts reveal that I wasn't trusting in God? What kind of witness was I, with my long face, and tears in the diaper Aisle?"

Then Megan goes to lunch with her friend Debbie who had lost her dad recently and was still grieving. Her friend shares how even though the months have passed she still cries at the sight of his picture or at anything that reminds her of her dad. She feels guilty for this because he was a christian and she was suppose to be happy that he was with Jesus now. Megan tells her that it is normal to grieve.

"You've lost your father. Just because he's in heaven doesn't mean it shouldn't hurt. You have to cry; its part of the grieving process."

So Megan leaves the restaurant and while driving home thinks about their conversation:

"As I thought about it, I realised that, like Debbie, I too had lost someone I loved - the child I longed for, but didn't have. Why did I think my loss was less significant, less painful? Why did I believe that I didn't need to grieve? Perhaps, like I'd told Debbie, it was okay to cry."

"All this time I'd been fighting the tears and telling myself I should trust God and be content, I hadn't allowed myself to grieve. I thought crying was a sign of weak faith, but maybe it was a sign of God's attempt to bring healing to my heart."

"Infertility is a hard road, a painful road. Sometimes tears are needed to smooth the way. Sometimes it's right to cry."

You have no idea how this story helped calm my fear about my trust, or what I thought to be lack of trust, in God. So many times I felt guilty for feeling so depressed. I felt like every tear I cried just proved how mush I distrusted God's plan for my life.

When I read this chapter, I realised... it is exactly like grieving for someone. Every month I grieve for the child I "lost" yet I felt guilty for doing it. Yet I wouldn't tell one of my congregants who had lost someone to "buck up and get over it". So why should I tell myself that? I have realised that if I need to cry and be depressed and grieve then I need to let that happen. It is only though the grieving process that I can receive healing from Christ.

So from now on... if I need to cry, I will! And If I need to grieve, I will! And if I need to be angry at the injustice of it all, I will! But through all of that, I will allow God's healing to come upon me. I will allow God to give me hope again... for another month.

Shannon

well...

The dreaming is over... AF showed up. And as predicted, I'm heartbroken. It feels as if I've lost someone I love. I keep wondering when this will get easier... when I will get to the point where I can accept the facts. How long will I keep putting my emotions through this? When will the time come that I don't feel this ache in my heart? Because I really don't know how much more I can take.

Shannon

2ww

Hi all.... or is there anyone there? I don't know if anyone is reading this blog anymore, but no matter, it helps me get my "thoughts and feelings" out.

I am now in the 2ww. I was sitting in the TV room this morning watching "a baby story" (I'm totally addicted!) thinking about how these weeks suck, when I thought of a good part of it. When I am in the 2ww it is hard because you want to find out if you are pregnant and 2 weeks is a long time to find out. The good part is that you have 2 weeks where you can pretend to be pregnant. You have hope. If I let myself, I can dream about being pregnant, when I would be due, how we would tell people, how the room would be set up and so on.


The catch to this fantasy land of pregnant bellies and baby clothes is that so far in my life, after the 2ww I end up not being pregnant and therefore crushed. The problem with letting your emotions run high is that they can then run VERY low. The emotional trip is not just unpleasant, it eats away a little part of you each time.


So, some months I let myself dream and prepare for the heartbreak, but other times I hold back. It is as if my brain knows when I can handle it, and when I can't. The mind is amazing like that.

I guess this month my brain sees fit to let me dream!


Shannon

"Facing the Giants"

Have you seen this movie? If you haven't, go and rent it. It's got a great story... unfortunately the acting isn't the best, but for a movie that was made on 100,000 dollars... not bad! It was done by a church in the States. We watched it in June with the Bible Study group, but I saw it again tonight on TV.

The movie is about a high school coach and team that haven't had a winning season in 6 years. It goes through the coaches struggles with his work, his house, car, and, you guessed it, infertility. Him and his wife have been trying for 4 years and finally decide to go and get tested. It turns out that the wife is okay but the husband's check-up isn't good. The whole movie is based around what God can do. I won't give away the ending... just go and see it.

Anyways, there is a quote in the movie that has stayed with me since I saw it in June. The wife is talking to her husband about going to get "checked out" and how he shouldn't be scared to do it. She then goes into how much she wants children. She dreams of them running around the house, of reading them stories, etc. Then she says "How can I miss someone so much who I haven't ever even met?" I bawled at that. It describes my feelings to a tee. Every month I grieve for a child I have never seen. I cry for the life that never was, and maybe never will be. And I wonder like her "how can I miss someone so much that I have never even met?"

If you want to understand a little about what Jeff and I go through every month... watch this movie. I have not seen a movie yet that better portrays the struggles of infertility.

Most of all though, what I want to remember from this movie is the theme. NOTHING is impossible with God. I need to not only believe that... I need to live that.

Go watch the movie!

Shannon

Grrrrrrr...

I went to the doctor yesterday to ask about doing IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). (For more information on this procedure you can read about it here http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/iui.html ) I was really hoping that we could have it done next cycle since this is my last cycle on Clomid. Well, the doctor said that we can begin the process but it will take several months before we can do it. I REALLY had my heart set on next month. But I guess I have to be a little more patient. Grrrrrrrrr!



Also, Jeff and I were on the C-Train a couple days ago and while we were sitting there a little boy started crying... very quietly actually, and the mom got mad and covered up his mouth.... and nose!!! I was ready to jump on her. She was trying to keep him quiet by just covering his mouth (Which by the way wasn't working... he was getting more and more upset) but her hand was big and he was only about 2 so she kept plugging his nose too. I thought he was going to suffocate... I was steaming. I felt so bad... should I have said something? I didn't want to pick a fight... but I mean how many times do we let adults get away with things like that? I always wonder about that. So often we turn a blind eye to it. It's so hard to know what is right. So anyways, of course I start feeling really upset that this women has a child and I am without. It always seems so unfair. Grrrrrrrrrr!



Anyways, that's my life at the moment. As I mentioned this is my last cycle on clomid. So for the next few months until the IUI I will be ovulating on my own. I'm not to worried about stopping them... they haven't worked so far. I just pray that in these next few months we get pregnant on our own so that we don't have to go through the IUI.



Have a great day everyone!



Shannon

Crazy Pill Time!!

So AF showed up over the weekend... booooo!! Kind of figured it would. So I am on to yet another month of TTC. It sucks!

I'm going to do something a little different this month though. Usually I take Clomid on CD 5-9. I read somewhere that if you take it CD 5-9 you get better "quantity" of eggs. If you take it CD 3-7 you are suppose to get better "quality" eggs. Considering that I already ovulate on my own, I don't really need quantity, I need quality. So I am going to take it CD 3-7 this month. I did a bit of research and it said in several places that women have actually had more success taking it CD 3-7 then CD5-9... so hopefully I will be successful as well.

I also have a doctor's appointment next Wednesday to talk about our next option... IUI. So we shall see if maybe my next cycle (September) I can get that done. It's the cheapest of the fertility treatments. It will probably cost somewhere between 400 and 500 dollars... I hope.

Anyways, that's the update on me right now. Keep praying everyone... don't give up on us!

Shannon

New way of thinking

Jeff and I have decided to live our lives differently. For over three years we have been "waiting" for a baby. Every time we talk about anything in the future it includes children. If we want to do something (like take a trip) its "By the time we save we will have a baby and won't be able to go." We have put our lives on hold for this child that doesn't even exist. How sad is that?

So we decided that from now on we will live as if a child is not in our future. I mean who says that we will ever have children. Even with adoption we may never get chosen. I saw a show last night and a couple had waited 18 years on the adoption list. So no more!! From now on the future includes just Jeff and I. And if a child happens to come, great!

Now, even though we are thinking like this, we are still going to be TTC. I still plan on doing whatever I can to have a child, but with the thought that it may not work and if it doesn't, we will be okay. I have a great life. A husband that loves me, a roof over my head, some money in my pocket, and a list of blessings too long to mention. What more could I ask for? A child would just be the cherry on top... but I don't need the "cherry" to have a wonderful life. God has given me everything I NEED, and most of my wants. I need to be thankful for those things.

Anyways, continue to keep us in your prayers. I still find myself saying "When we have a baby we should...." As much as we have this "figured out" we need to actually apply it!

Shannon

Wondering...

There has been a lot on my mind lately... I'll spare you the details. I was just wondering if I could ask a question of all the parents out there (and hopeful parents):

Why did you decide to have children?

Jeff and I have talked about this a few times, and I never really know what the answer is. I mean do we want kids just because that's the next step in life? Do we want them because we need the love you get from a child? Or maybe we want them because we want to feel needed?

I've just been wondering.

Shannon

Funny!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bY1IUBgqPc4

A friend of ours shared this video with us.... toooooo funny! Hope you have a good laugh!

Shannon

She's gone...

Olive Mutford 1920-2007

Well, The struggle is over, last night my Nan passed away. I'm still in shock. I just can't believe that she is really gone. I thought I was prepared for her death... that I had made peace with it... but I'm so upset. Just knowing that I won't be able to go to her house for dinner when we go home next year... to know that I won't be able to kiss her or hug her again. It's really hard. I'm going to miss her. I am so glad that I got to go home and say good bye though. I think this would have been a lot harder if I had not had the chance to do that.

Please keep our family in your prayers. The funeral is tomorrow.

I love you Nan. We are all going to miss you. :(

Shannon

I'm Back!

Bet some of you didn't even know I was gone! This week has been a busy one. Where to start...

Well, My Nan has been in the hospital for two weeks because of her heart. Last Saturday I got a call from my mom and dad saying that the family had been called in because she wasn't going to make it. I haven't seen my nan for 3 1/2 years and I just really felt like I wanted to be there for the funeral. So I booked a flight to leave on Sunday night for Newfoundland. My brother decided to come as well and we ended up (as well as a cousin) coming on the same flight. My parents came to pick us up and we made the 4 hour journey home from the airport. Half way home we got a call saying that nan had turned for the worst and we had better hurry up and get there. So off we went. We got to the hospital expecting the worst but as soon as she saw us she perked up.

As the week went on she kept going from bad to good. One minute we thought "this is it... she's going" and then the next she was sitting up in bed eating! She is a very strong women! Anyways, to make a long story short, she is still alive! When we left to come home yesterday she was sitting in bed eating breakfast! Its absolutely amazing to me!

She is not out of danger by any means. She is still very week and tired and now the last couple days she's been hallucinating (some of the things she sees is very funny! She even laughs at herself!). While we are all not really expecting her to pull out of this, part of me is not giving up hope yet. I won't be surprised either way. When we left yesterday we dropped in to say good bye to her and she was able to give us biggggggg hugs and said a few words of wisdom to my brother and I. She told me that I will have a baby soon enough and that it would be a girl! Let's hope!

Please keep Nan in your prayers and especially all my family that are in Twillingate. They are all taking shifts being with her 24/7. It's very tiring on everyone. Pray for strength for them all. Also pray that the doctors and nurses will know what to do... she has surprised them all! ( I don't think bacon and eggs has ever been delivered to the palliative care room!!)

Beyond all of that, our friends Krista and Ryan are coming to visit today! I'm so excited! It should be a fun, but busy week. Also, on the baby front, We missed out this month because I was gone to Newfoundland. Part of me is kind of relieved... to have another month off.

I think that is about it. I will keep you updated on my nan and what to pray for. Thanks everyone!

Shannon

Weapon of Prayer

Hi everyone,

I wanted to start a prayer chain and I would appreciate as many people as possible joining in. Invite your friends, family and church! The hope is to have a place where we can join together in prayer for one another. So, please go and check it out!

weaponofprayer.blogspot.com

Shannon

I apologise!

I'm very sorry to all my faithful readers for not posting much this last while. I know how frustrating it is to check everyday (several times a day!) and see no change in a blog. So I do apologise!

The reason why I haven't written much this month is that I really needed some time away from it all. We decided that we would take last month off so that I could give myself a break from it all. It was a welcome relief! AF came and it wasn't upsetting at all! Which is so great... you really have no idea just how tiring this whole game is.

But now we are back into the swing of things (hehe). We went to the doctor and we are on two more months of clomid. After that we may look into further treatment. We aren't 100% sure yet what the future has in store. But I am feeling really good right now. Last month really made a difference in my emotional well being.

As for the rest of my life beyond TTC... well life is going good! I was pretty sick last weekend but that is finally over with.

Our friends Mike and Melissa Mailman were accepted into training college for September! (congrats guys!) Please keep them in your prayers as they follow God's leading into full time ministry (as if you guys aren't doing that already!!).

Only a few of you sent me pictures!!! How can I make a scrapbook about all my lovely friends if you don't send me pictures! So please, please I beg you to send them to me! Thanks!

I know there is other stuff going on... I just can't think of anything right now! Too early in the morning!

I hope you all have a great day... I will try to post a little more regularly this month!

Love you all!

Shannon

To All My Friends And Family

As I mentioned before, I am trying to create a "blessings" scrapbook. Well you are all blessings in my life and I need pictures! So if you are reading this, please send me a photo of yourself that I can incorporate into my scrapbook. Family shots are wonderful as well. Send them to shannonjhoward@hotmail.com. PLEASE, PLEASE send them to me! I don't want to leave anyone out!

Thanks guys!

Shannon

Tagged

1: Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.
2: People who are tagged, write a blog post about their own 8 random things, and post these rules.
3: At the end of your post you need to tag 8 people and include their names.
4: Don't forget to leave them a comment and tell them they're tagged, and to read your blog.


Did I mention that I hate these things?

1. I love camping. I think camping is the one vacation that Jeff and I take that we don't think about work at all. We just have a tent and we love it! Cooking outdoors, going on hikes, reading a book beside the fire. It's so great! We are just waiting for the moment that we can get out there!

2. I have two psycho cats! Brengle and Mareschale are CRAZY! Brengle especially has a way of getting under your skin, while at the same time melting your heart! One minute I want to snuggle him (He loves to be snuggled) and the next I want to break his neck! lol The craziest thing about brengle is that he loves water. He sits in the sink in the bathroom and I can turn the tap on and let the sink fill to the rim and he just soaks in it! CRAZY!

3. I bite my nails... which is why I try to get Gel Nails! Can't chew those suckers!

4. I am letting my hair grow long so that I can donate it to "locks of love". I hate my hair right now... long hair does not look good on me. I'm hoping I will have the right length to get it cut soon!

5. Man, I need to make it to 8!! Geez... okay random fact.... Oh I know. I no longer drink coke. Well, not entirely true. I have it when we eat out (I love fountain coke!) but at home I only drink milk or water. Its been about a month... I have not seen a difference in my pants size... grrrrr.

6. I have a hole in my hand because I had my blood taken. I actually like getting my blood taken... weird eh?

7. My hubby and I have been trying to have a baby for 39 months... that's a long time.

8. I am horrible at staying in contact with people. I hate the phone. E-mail is always the best for me!

YAH! I did it! That was hard. Okay who can I pick on now?

1. Melissa
2. Breian

That's all I got folks! More of my friends need blogs!

Shannon

Went to the doctor

So we had a doctors appointment today. I was expecting to have to wait for an appointment for a couple weeks since that is the norm, but I phoned this morning and they had an opening! So that was good. We finished our last pack of clomid this month so we had to go back to the doc to get two more refills. If we don't get pregnant in these next two months then that is it. So here's to hoping and praying!

After talking to a friend of mine I realised that I hadn't given an update on the cat that had decided to camp in our back yard! Well, good news, we found the cats home! I had put an ad on the radio and a lady phoned. His name was Mr. Six.... strange I know! She was super happy. Supposedly he had gotten lost on Saturday and we found him on Monday. She picked him up on Wednesday. He was a really great cat... I kind of miss him!

I think that's about it for now. I have been tagged by John so if I get a minute I will post that!

Have a great afternoon!

Shannon

Mothers Day

Well I made it through mothers day. I kept myself pretty busy today with friends so it made it a little easier. Tonight though... well that's a different story.

I'm not really sad... I'm just really, really tired of it all. I'm mad I think. Its an odd emotion actually. I don't know how to describe it. I want to scream and cry all at the same time... and I am sooooo sick of waiting. I want a baby RIGHT now. ARGGGGG. Its so unfair.

You all must be so sick of my complaining. I feel like such a whiner! But I just can't help it... I have to get it out.

Something has to happen soon... I can't take this much longer.

Shannon

I'm Home!

We had a great time with our friends in Lloydminister! It was so good to be able to spend time with them. It was hard leaving though because they are going to Training College in September (Well, they haven't been accepted just yet... but I know they're going!) and we don't know when we will see them again. We will have to figure something out.

So the trip was great and our ride back to High River was pretty uneventful... until we got home! When I got out of the car in the drive way I heard a cat meowing loudly and I thought one of the neighbours cats was trying to get in their house. I realised though that the meowing was coming from our back yard! Wondering if one of our cats had gotten out I went looking only to discover a grey and white cat sitting on our garbage box! And what a friendly cat! She couldn't get enough of us petting her. Worried that she was lost we gave her some food and water (Which she devoured quite quickly) and I put out a little padded cat house for shelter. I have never seen her around here before, so I don't know if she is a neighbours cat or not. All night of course I kept checking on her making sure that she was okay. Well, I woke up this morning and she is still there! So I guess we need to put up some "Found" posters around town this morning! I have a feeling she isn't leaving any time soon. Hmmm.... Maybe she can be my outdoor cat!

So that was all very exciting. I am not excited however to be back into the swing of things. I was quite enjoying my holiday. But that's life and there is a ton of work to be done.

Well that's it for right now. I need to go check on the cat!

Have a great day everyone!

Shannon

Craziness!

(Two post in one day!! Not bad!)

So I've started taking my crazy pills again! We shall see if they will make me as nuts as I was last month. Maybe I really am insane and I am just using the clomid as an excuse! Who knows! lol!

We are going to be heading to Lloydminster to see our friends on Wednesday! I can't wait. I really need a vacation and I really want to see them! So you may not hear from me for a while.

I'm going to be a little mean though and ask that you pray for us, but I'm not going to tell you why... I'm sorry! I hate when people do that to me! But we have some decisions to make and I want to be sure that we follow God's plan. Please pray for clarity for us and peace once the decision is made.

Thank you everyone... I love you all!

Shannon

Happy Anniversary To Us!

It is our 5 year anniversary today! YAH! I can't believe it has been 5 years! Time flies by doesn't it? Jeff looks so young!

Well here's to you my love! We've been through a lot, and we are stronger for it. I couldn't imagine this life without you. I love you more today then you will ever know!

With all my Love!

Shannon

What can I say today?

I guess mostly that I am one messed up woman! I go from being so content with my life, to being so pissed off I just want to scream. Having all those emotions are not fun. One minute I am crying, the next I'm screaming, and then all of a sudden I'm okay. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind!

I think I am going to try and put together a scrap book of all my blessings in life. That way whenever I am feeling really down, when I am so frustrated at God, I can look at it and remember just how blessed I really am. Now I just have to get off my butt and do it! I'm a horrible procrastinator!

Anyways, that's it for today. Sorry the posts aren't as often as they use to be. I just can't seem to focus much these last few months.

Shannon

Well...

AF came this morning... actually last night a little, but I waited until this morning to be sure. So there goes my chance for this month. You know, I have been through this roller coaster 38 (wish I could swear right here) times!! And to tell you the truth I'm getting very sick of it. I'm not really sad this month, more angry right now. It just isn't fair that so many people can just look at a guy and get pregnant and we have to go through all this. I don't know. It's so hard. And do you want to know the hardest part? Having to tell Jeff that this isn't the month. Having to see his face as I tell him. I hate it.

I think I'm going to focus a little more in these coming months on getting healthy. Jeff and I have stopped drinking coke so maybe that is the boost we need to start losing weight. Who knows, I'm just so FRUSTRATED right now.

Well, the day still goes on whether I want it to or not and I've got a busy one.

Shannon

urgggg...

So while I was preaching today I started getting cramps. I was so mad. I mean of all places!! Anyways, I was trying to keep my mind on my sermon and not on whether AF was here early. I made it through the service and actually waited until I was home to see if she had come. But she wasn't there... which is kind of nice. But I don't know what all this cramping is about. I really feel like she is coming. I've been told by a lot of people that when you are pregnant you feel like AF is coming, so maybe I am. I really doubt it though. I don't feel pregnant at all.

I am really hoping that even if AF is coming that it can hold off for a while yet. Today is the day that I would normally start but since taking clomid my cycles are longer. So we shall see what these next couple weeks will bring. Lets hope and pray for a BFP though!

Shannon

Nothing to do with infertility....

...but they are my substitute babies! I just had to share them with you... enjoy!

"The Infertility Companion"

So the above mentioned title belongs to a book I am in the process of reading. It is a christian book on infertility and it has been great so far. I was surprised to see such a thing when I went to the christian book store on Tuesday. It was written by a christian lady who struggled with infertility her whole life (she never did have kids) and her doctor, who happens to be a christian man. So you get two perspectives which is great.

I will probably be sharing several excerpts from this book in the next few days or weeks, but I came across this today and I wanted to share it with you.

"Is there a scientific link between fertility and prayer? It would appear so. Researchers in one study discovered that women at an IVF clinic had higher pregnancy rates when, unknown to the patients, total strangers prayed for their success. In the study, researchers found that of the 199 women involved, those who were prayed for became pregnant twice as often as those who were not the focus of prayer. The researchers said they initially hesitated to report their findings but ultimately decided the information was too significant to suppress. None of the patients knew about the study nor did the medical staff caring for them.

While the data is too preliminary for us to be dogmatic, it certainly supports asking your friends, family, and church members to pray for you. And, of course, continue to pray for yourself. It not only deepens your relationship with God; it has the added benefit of improving your brain health and function."

Keep praying everyone!

Shannon

Hot Flashes? You've got to be kidding me!

I will never make fun of a women having hot flashes again. It sucks... big time! One minute I am perfectly fine, then all of a sudden I am burning up! It feels like I have a furnace inside me! And it comes at the strangest times and places. I hate when it happens in public, because I feel like I go all red and I have to start waving something on my face just to breath! Its really horrible. I really thought that I was going to be one of the few who had no side effects of Clomid... guess not!

Just so you all know, I have now officially ovulated, so I am into the 2 Week Wait (2ww). This is the worst time of the month. Now is when your mind runs off with every little twinge, cramp, or nausea that you feel.

I guess that's it for now. Have a great day everyone!

Shannon

The Hormones are RAGING!!

Wow, I really hope that it is the clomid that is making me this cranky and emotional. I've gone from feeling like screaming to feeling like crying in just minutes! Let's start with the anger... my poor husband. All he has to do is look at me the wrong way and I want to flip! So far I've been able to keep most of it to myself... but a few times, boy has he gotten it! We were watching a movie the other night and I just flipped... for no reason. I keep having to bite my tongue. At least he knows that its not him so he kind of just rolls with it.

Second... I am so sad. It's hard to explain, but every so often I just feel like my heart is breaking. Literally breaking. I can't breath and I just feel like sobbing... not just tears... but a full out sob. Every time I see a baby I have to hold back. We were at Cost-Co yesterday and just seeing all these children and babies... man It was hard not to break down. Its very odd for me. I usually only get like this once AF comes because I realise I'm not pregnant. When I'm in the middle of my cycle I'm usually excited... cause this could be the month.

Its got to be the clomid.... right? I hope I'm not losing my mind!

Shannon

Happy Easter!

All I have to say today is...

He is Risen! Hallelujah!

Good Friday

The Good Friday Story

27Then the governor's soldiers took Jesus into the Praetorium and gathered the whole company of soldiers around him. 28They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him, 29and then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on his head. They put a staff in his right hand and knelt in front of him and mocked him. "Hail, king of the Jews!" they said. 30They spit on him, and took the staff and struck him on the head again and again. 31After they had mocked him, they took off the robe and put his own clothes on him. Then they led him away to crucify him.

32As they were going out, they met a man from Cyrene, named Simon, and they forced him to carry the cross. 33They came to a place called Golgotha (which means The Place of the Skull). 34There they offered Jesus wine to drink, mixed with gall; but after tasting it, he refused to drink it. 35When they had crucified him, they divided up his clothes by casting lots. 36And sitting down, they kept watch over him there. 37Above his head they placed the written charge against him: THIS IS JESUS, THE KING OF THE JEWS. 38Two robbers were crucified with him, one on his right and one on his left. 39Those who passed by hurled insults at him, shaking their heads 40and saying, "You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in three days, save yourself! Come down from the cross, if you are the Son of God!"

41In the same way the chief priests, the teachers of the law and the elders mocked him. 42"He saved others," they said, "but he can't save himself! He's the King of Israel! Let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. 43He trusts in God. Let God rescue him now if he wants him, for he said, 'I am the Son of God.' " 44In the same way the robbers who were crucified with him also heaped insults on him.

45From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. 46About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

47When some of those standing there heard this, they said, "He's calling Elijah."

48Immediately one of them ran and got a sponge. He filled it with wine vinegar, put it on a stick, and offered it to Jesus to drink. 49The rest said, "Now leave him alone. Let's see if Elijah comes to save him."

50And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit.

51At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. 52The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. 53They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people.

54When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, "Surely he was the Son of God!"

55Many women were there, watching from a distance. They had followed Jesus from Galilee to care for his needs. 56Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and Joses, and the mother of Zebedee's sons.

57As evening approached, there came a rich man from Arimathea, named Joseph, who had himself become a disciple of Jesus. 58Going to Pilate, he asked for Jesus' body, and Pilate ordered that it be given to him. 59Joseph took the body, wrapped it in a clean linen cloth, 60and placed it in his own new tomb that he had cut out of the rock. He rolled a big stone in front of the entrance to the tomb and went away. 61Mary Magdalene and the other Mary were sitting there opposite the tomb.


It is days like this that I remember just how blessed I am. To have a King that gave his life for me... what more could I ever want? I pray you all take a chance today to thank the Lord for the blessings in your life and for the greatest gift ever... Salvation.

Music to my ears... well not quite

I received in the mail today a brand new cornet!! (its a trumpet like instrument for all you non-Salvation Army band people!) I'm so excited! We have wanted to start a small band here since we arrived and I haven't been able to find a cornet. But now through the Canadian Staff Band I was able to get a brand new one... for free! And its great... except its been a while since I played. Needless to say Jeff and I need some (okay... a lot of) practice!

In other news, I've finished my clomid for this month, so now I have to wait for ovulation. You know, I think God is trying to teach me patience! It is so hard having to always wait for something.

So that's about it for news right now! I really need a more exciting life!

Shannon

Lessons I've Learned... long post!

So I'm back! Its good to be home. I love to see family and friends, but there is nothing like your own bed! And of course my cats!

While I was away this past week at the Rural Ministries Summit I did a lot of thinking about this whole infertility issue. I have realised that I have never gone to the Bible for the answer. And as I sat in the conference, pretending to listen (shh... don't tell!) I thought to myself "If you want answers why don't you go to the one place that can give them to you." So I did. There isn't a whole lot of passages in the Bible that deal with infertility, but I did find a few that I found to be very comforting. Let me share them with you.

1. "Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters. But to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the Lord had closed her womb. And because the Lord had closed her womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. Elkanah her husband would say to her, "Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?"

"Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on a chair by the door post of the Lord's temple. In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. And she made a vow, saying, "O Lord Almighty, If you will only look upon your servants misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."

As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, "How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine."

"Not so, my lord," Hannah replied, "I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief."

Eli answered, "Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him." She said, "May your servant find favor in your eyes." Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.

Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the LORD and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah lay with Hannah his wife, and the LORD remembered her. So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, "Because I asked the LORD for him."

Do you see what Hannah went through? Years of not having children, having to be tormented by a society that looked upon "barren" women like they were diseased. And what did she do? She prayed! And not just a "Please dear Lord, please give me a child"... NO! She prayed with everything inside of her. She "wept much" and poured out her soul to the Lord. And then she goes home believing that God will answer. And He does!! I don't think I have prayed like that, and I don't think I have had faith like that.

2. "Praise the LORD. Praise, O servants of the LORD, praise the name of the LORD. Let the name of the LORD be praised, both now and forevermore.

From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the LORD is to be praised. The LORD is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens. Who is like the LORD our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?

He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes, with the princes of their people.

He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD."

Wouldn't that be considered a promise from the Bible? That if we praise him, truly praise him (which is key) he will provide Children to those who long for them?

3. "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."

This is why I am going through all of this. So that I can pass along comfort to those who are going through similar situations. If we know the comfort of Christ, we can pass along that comfort to others. If I can help just one person in this world get through the difficulty of infertility, if I can use my story to bring the love of Christ to someone, then all of this is worth it.

4. This week there was also a song that came up twice, once at Steve and Christina's church in Ottawa, and the second at the conference. The words are below.

1.He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,

He sendeth more strength as our labors increase,

To added afflictions he addeth his mercy,

To multiplied trials he multiplies peace.

2.When we have exhausted our store of endurance,

When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,

When we reach the end of our hoarded resources

Our Father's full giving is only begun.

3.His love has no limits, his grace has no measure,

His power no boundary known unto men;

For out of his infinite riches in Jesus

He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

Annie Johnson Flint (1866-1932)

Isn't that amazing? I really feel like that song was written just for me. It brought such comfort this past week. Especially on Sunday. I had just found out that I wasn't pregnant, and all through church I felt like I would just break down at any moment and cry, and then this song was announced....Wow! I still felt like crying, but not because I was broken hearted, but because I felt Gods hand upon me.

I know this post is super long, but you have no idea how much all of this has helped me. God has a plan for Jeff and I and whatever that path may be for us I am willing to follow him... whatever the cost. I will continue to pray for a baby, but I will leave it up to Him. I know that I will struggle and I will falter, but I also know where I can find strength. Praise the Lord!

Hey all

Hi everyone, No I am not back home but I realised today that there is wireless Internet here at Jackson's point! So I thought I had left you all hanging long enough and should clue you in on what has been going on.

I am not pregnant. This past Sunday AF showed up. It was very difficult for Jeff and I. We REALLY thought that this was the month. I felt different, had symptoms and really just felt like God had said this would be it... but it wasn't to be. So needless to say we were both very shocked and felt a little confused. But we know that God is in control and whenever it happens it will be the best time for us.

I've been thinking about Gods timing a lot lately. And after talking with a friend, who also went through infertility, about giving everything to God I've realised that I have to follow his will, not mine. This isn't new thoughts, but just a reminder. I think sometimes we need to be reminded of Gods promise that he has everything in control. I know that someday I will get pregnant but until then I need to continue to put God first.

Enough about that for a minute! We have had a wonderful time here in Ontario so far. We arrived at Jeff's parents last Tuesday and stayed with them until Thursday. Then we went to see a friend of mine in Barrie and stayed with her until Friday morning. Then we drove 5 hours to Ottawa to spend the weekend with my brother and his family and my Mom and Dad. On Monday we drove another 5 hours to Jackson's Point where Jeff dropped me off. I hate that he's not here with me! Jeff flew home last night and I will be flying home on Friday. I can't wait to get home. Its not bad here at Jackson's, but home is always nicer!

So that's about it. Please pray that Jeff and I will be able to let God lead us as we go through this journey. I always want to make it about me and what I want. I need to be able to give it over to God.

Thanks for all your prayers this month, don't give up on us!

Shannon

I WANT TO SLEEP!

It is past 1:30 am here and I'm still up! Actually I took a 2 hour nap at 10:00. We are getting ready to go to Ontario. Our flight leaves at 7:00am so we have to leave here at about 4:30. I'm just getting the house cleaned up and packing. I hate morning flights! If I were less of a procrastinator it wouldn't be so bad!

I really hope that this week will go fast and that I will be able to keep "babies" off my mine. That is all I think about. I would be implanting right about now, so please pray that there is a fertilised egg and that it sticks! That's what I've been praying all day every day. Jeff and I will be so disappointed this month if AF comes. Its tough every month, but this month it will be worse.

Anyways, not sure when I will post again. If I get a BFP I will let you all know ASAP! Keep praying!

Shannon

I'm going crazy!

Do you know what the worst thing is about TTC? The last few days of your cycle when you think "everything" is a "sign of pregnancy". Every little twitch I feel, every time I feel queasy, every time I go to the bathroom I think "am I pregnant?". Anything and everything has to do with having a baby. I mean it could literally drive you to the nutty house!

I either need to get a BFP (Big Fat Positive) or my AF (Period) soon or I will go nuts!

Here's hoping for the BFP!

Shannon

Tylenol Please

Okay, so I went to laser tag last night.... and oh my goodness am I ever sore!! I feel like I spent hours at the gym! I can't breath without it hurting! I've never been to laser tag before, but it was awesome. We brought our youth group and they are energetic kids. It was difficult keeping up with them. If you have never gone before, do so! It was so fun and it only cost 12 dollars per person for two games. I definitely recommend it!

As for other news.... nothing much to report. We are heading out to Ontario on Tuesday. I can't wait for that. Mom and Dad are trying to get out of work so that they can make their flight to Ottawa next Friday. The company is being a jerk. Their hoping that Monday they can get out. Which means they wouldn't get here until Tuesday which means we will be gone. So we will see them in Ottawa on the weekend.

As for baby news, nothing to report yet, other then that I'm still in the running so it's looking good! But who knows. I try not to get my hopes up. I realised these past few days that there is always something to worry about. Right now it's getting pregnant, then it's miscarrying, then it's still birth, then it's crib death, then it's falling off the playground set, then it's getting into a car accident... and the list goes on. How do you parents do it!! Is there always something to worry about? I know we aren't suppose to worry, and I don't think we should let it consume our lives, but you have to at least think of it every once in a while, right?

Should go... plenty of work to do! Talk to you later!

Shannon

HAPPY B-DAY KEEGAN!

It's my "nephews" b-day today!! (okay, not real nephew, my cousins child, but were like sisters!) He's 4... WOW! I hope you have a good one Keegan!

Love from,

Auntie Shannon

Busy, Busy!

I am so busy!! I apologise for how sparse my posting has been lately. And it won't get much better this month! As of next Tuesday we are heading out to Ontario, and I doubt I will have time to post while I am there. This week I am trying to get everything done before we head off. There is so much to do and so little time! But its all good. I'm not too stressed.

So anyways, thought I should just let you all know why this blog will lack for a while. I have to get back to work! Have a good day!

Shannon

I'm Ovulating!!

I think today is the day! I won't go into detail about how I know... for the sake of the those who really don't want to read about that, but I will say that all the signs are there! Which is great! Except for one thing. Ovulating this late in my cycle can mean that I have a problem with luteal phase. This is the time after you ovulate. You need at least 10 days after ovulation for the egg to attach. If my body decides before those 10 days that I'm not pregnant, even if there is a fertilised egg, I will get my period and then its all over. As you can see from the ticker on the side, I only have 8 days till my "expected" period, so I am really hoping that my body will realise that I ovulated late and not want to bring on menstruation. I Really hope that "she" doesn't show up at all and that I'm pregnant!

Not much else is happening today. A friend of ours is coming to stay for the night, so that's exciting. We love to have people stay at the house! We get really bored being by ourselves sometimes. It's nice to have company!

If anything else exciting happens today I will let you know. Talk to you all later!

Shannon

Baby got Fluff!

Okay, you all have to go to http://www.kissaluvs.com/contest/contest-entries.html and check out my friends video. Click on "baby got fluff". It is so adorable! You can't vote yet, but keep checking back everyday and start voting for her. You can read the contest rules and prizes on the website.

Good luck Allison!

Shannon

Yet another beautiful day!

So it is again a beautiful day outside. Its a little windy, but it is still nice to breath the fresh spring air. I fear it is only a tease though. Just a Chinook coming through to make us put away our winter gear. Then one morning we shall wake up to a foot of snow on the ground.

Jeff and I have started walking everyday now, and it's been really nice. I have just been gaining more and more and it is driving me nuts. I keep thinking that if I continue on this path I will be so overweight that I won't be able to motivate myself at all. So Jeff and I have started to change a few things. The two main ones at this point is walking everyday and eating at the table. Sounds funny I know, but I think some of our problems is that we eat everything in front of the T.V. What happens then is that you eat too much and you don't get up afterwards. I end up staying down there watching TV all night. Not good. So we've decided that slow little changes is the best way to not get discouraged.

As for baby making progress, I still can't tell if I have ovulated or not. This clomid has really changed my cycle. I haven't been getting the tell-tell signs that I normally get. Maybe I just haven't ovulated yet... but it is a little late. Who knows.

Well, I'll write more tomorrow!

Shannon

It's A Beautiful Day In The Neighbourhood...

What a gorgeous day we have here! Its 14 degrees outside! All the snow is melting, the streams are running down the side of the road... I love it! I can't wait for spring. I think spring is my favorite time of the year.

I always wanted to have a baby in the spring. I thought April or May would be great times to have a baby. New life is beginning all around you. There is a certain smell in the air that is just unbeatable. You can bring your baby outside without bundling it up in a snow suit, you can go for walks. Its just the best time to have a baby.

But, if I get pregnant this month there will be no spring baby. Instead there will be a Christmas baby... which sucks. I think of all the months of the year, December is the worst. Especially as officers. But I can't complain, because December would work well for Mom and Dad. It would be horrible to have the baby while they are away at work.

Either way, I don't care when I have a baby... as long as I have one!! That's all that matter!

Shannon

How to tell your hubby...

I don't have much to write about today. It's been a strange day for me. This morning I was really busy, this afternoon I was really NOT busy, and tonight I am REALLY busy! I guess that's life. It did give me time to prepare a delicious meal for supper though. We had marinated steaks, with roasted potatoes and asparagus. YUM!

Anyways, I was just wondering.... how did all you moms tell your hubby's that you were pregnant? Did you surprise them? Did you find out together? The reason I ask is that I day-dream A LOT and I always wonder how I will let Jeff know. I have an idea that I have had from the beginning, but I was just wondering if there were any others out there? Leave me a comment with your story or idea.

Shannon

Home Again

Hi everyone! Sorry it has been so long since my last post. I hate doing that to you ( I know what its like to check a blog everyday only to be disappointed!) but we have been very busy this weekend.

Yesterday we went to see our friends in Drumheller. They had a baby 4 weeks ago and we finally got to see him. He was such a cutie! We had a great time there (I have a great time whenever there is a baby involved!). We went out for supper and played Catan (Its a great board game... very addictive). Then we headed home at 11:00pm. It takes 2 hours to get back to High River! We ended up having to stop in Strathmore for the night. We thought we could make it home (Our friends tried to get us to stay there, we should have listened), but along with being tired it was so foggy that we were only able to go about 60km/hr. It would have taken us almost 3 1/2 hours at that rate. So we stopped at a hotel. It was great. We love hotels... so it was a mini vacation! Then we headed home this morning and had breakfast at Denny's! Great food!

Now we are home. Just got back from Grocery shopping actually, which I hate. And I am realising that I am very moody today. I'm fine one minute and then all of a sudden.... BAM... I'm yelling and kicking up a fuss about something! I feel like a kid having a tantrum! Poor Jeff.

Anyways, tomorrow I am suppose to ovulate (according to calculations)... but I don't think I will. You can usually tell when the eggs release. The clomid may have postponed it by a few days.

That's all the news on this end! Talk to you tomorrow!

Shannon

1991 Toyota Tercel

So you are looking at a new(er) car that we are picking up today. Mom and Dad were wanting a little car that they could use when they come here every year. This way they can drive to Grande Prairie rather then take the bus all the time. It also gives them freedom while they are there.

Its a 1991 Toyota Tercel. Its in great shape, but it doesn't have many options. Which is okay because Mom and Dad just wanted a car that could get them from A to B. It has 195, 000 kms on it which is great. Pretty low for a '91. Its a standard which sucks, because I don't drive standard. But Jeff does and he's pretty excited about it. What is it with Men and standards? Does it boost your masculinity or something?

So want to hear the best part!! Mom and Dad will be leaving it here while they are back in Newfoundland, so we will have a second car! YAH!! You have no idea how great that is for us. Jeff and I have been wanting to buy another car for a long time, but we wanted to pay off the one we've got first. So this is great. Jeff and I will just pay for insurance and maintenance. Insurance won't be much anyways. Our car is only $700.00. Its amazing what turning 25 can do!

The best thing about the car is that we can put off buying a van (which we were going to get sometime this year.) until we absolutely need it, like when we have a baby (or babies!). So we can save our money.

Anyways, enough about the car! My last clomid pills are tonight. I'm SOOO happy that I haven't had any side effects. It means that if I have to keep taking these pills for a few months I won't dread it. Lets hope though that I won't need to take them next month! ;-)

Have a good day everyone!

Shannon

Side Effects

So, last night I had no problems with the clomid at all. I feel asleep right away and didn't wake up until morning. Today though I kept noticing that my face would get red and hot just on one side for no apparent reason. I mean my face gets red at the hint of embarrassment, but today it was just out of the blue. I thought it was strange until I remembered that a "red face" is a side effect of the clomid. So I guess that's what was causing it. If that is all that happens I will be happy!

Shannon

HAPPY B-DAY!

Today is my nephews 9th birthday! Happy Birthday Jonah!

Hope you have a good one!

Love,
Auntie Shannon and Uncle Jeff

I made it through!

I'm alive and well... kind of. I'm still sick, but just from a cold I have. I ended up getting to sleep last night at around 1:30am. I'm still kind of thinking that it wasn't the clomid, just my cold. We will see tonight though when I take the next two pills!

Just thought I should update!

Shannon

ITS LATE!!!

So it is 12:30 in the morning here and I am sick. I feel like I am going to puke! I took the first dose of clomid tonight and I am hoping that this is not related. I was so sure that I would not have any side effects... I always figure its mind over matter. Well tonight its head over toilet bowl.

I can't sleep because I keep running to the bathroom. I haven't thrown up yet which makes it even worse because if I did I would probably feel better. I don't think I will... It will just keep me on my toes all night (or knees).

Anyways... just thought I'd keep you posted! Lets hope this is just me being sick and that it doesn't have anything to do with the clomid. I don't want 5 more nights of this!

Good night... well I guess for you.

Shannon

Just Floating Around

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I feel like I am out of touch with everyone I know and love. I haven't been talking to anyone, I have stopped blogging everyday, I just feel like I am floating around in space and the days are just passing by. I think a lot of it is that I have a lot on my mind lately and it's all things that I can't really share with you all. It's just some personal things that I need to work out. So I apologise if I seem to be "strange" lately.

To let you all know, tomorrow I start the clomid, so I am excited about that. I really pray that this will be our month. I just can't imagine ever seeing a + sign on a test! It seems so unreachable to me. I believe when the day comes I won't know whether to cry, scream or laugh. I'll probably do all three!

I haven't been feeling well all day. My throat is swollen and its hard to swallow. I'm going to the drug store to get some Cold F-X tomorrow for Jeff. I REALLY don't want him to get sick. If he gets sick that could mean his sperm are no good for another 3 months. I would really like to know how anyone in the world actually gets pregnant. Its seems so difficult to me. To all of you with children, never think that the child in front of you isn't a miracle. It may have happened quickly for you, but that in and of itself is a miracle.

So hopefully I will be back to my normal self shortly. To all my friends and family who I have not called or talked to for a VERY long time, I'm really sorry! I will talk to you soon.

Shannon

Clomiphene Citrate Tablets it is then...

So Jeff and I met with the doctor today to discuss our options and to hear the results of my blood work from last month. Looks as if everything on my part is normal. I'm ovulating, my thyroid is great, I don't have a tumor at the base of my skull (didn't even know this was a possibility!!) and my uterus is a welcoming and friendly environment for the sperm! So all is good in that area.

So that really just leaves Jeff's sperm quality... which really isn't all that bad. So the doctor prescribed the above mentioned tablets otherwise known as clomid. I start taking it Monday for 5 days (Days 5-9 of your cycle). It stimulates your ovaries so that you produce two eggs rather then one. So twins here we come! The rate of twins is 1 in 10. So you just never know.

They will only do 6 months of clomid. If it doesn't work in that amount of time it won't ever work. If clomid doesn't work we are off to the city for treatments, but the doc said that there is a waiting list for people my age of at least a year. So that sucks. Plus, where as this medication only costs 50 dollars a month, anything after will likely cost up to $10,000 per month. Not a possibility at this point. We'd have to save for a few years to get that kind of money. So if anyone out there is rich... :)

So that's it. We will see on Monday if I have any side effects from the clomid. Some women can't tolerate it. Hopefully I'll be strong!

Shannon

Sorry!

I know, I know... its been days since my last post. And this one won't be too long either! I've been so busy that by the time night comes I'm too tired to think about posts...

I was just interrupted by a lady coming into the office wanting a bible. She saw them on the table through the window. Its 8:30pm here and we just finished our prayer meeting, so God really timed it well!

Anyways.... as I was saying, its been very busy. Mom and Dad arrived last night. We went to the zoo with the youth group today. Had a prayer meeting tonight. Are going to Calgary tomorrow for a meeting about emergency planning for the pandemic. I have rotary tomorrow night. Friday we have dentist appointments in the morning and the doctors appointment in the afternoon. And on Saturday we have a wedding shower to attend!! So as you can see... plenty to do.

So that's it at the moment. Someday soon I will get back into posting every day!

So I bid a good night to all my faithful readers!

Shannon

Home Alone

Jeff left today for Edmonton. He has a meeting at DHQ tomorrow morning so he left this afternoon and is staying at a hotel for the night. I hate when Jeff leaves town. I get so lonely! I guess that happens when you spend almost every minute of the day with someone! I mean we not only live together and sleep together, we work together as well. You'd think I'd like the break... but I don't.

I'm doing alright though. I rented a couple movies and bought a sub from Subway. That should keep my mind off him being gone!

In other news, my parents are going to be coming back with Jeff tomorrow. They are taking a bus from Grande Prairie to Edmonton tomorrow morning and then Jeff will bring them home. I'm excited about that. I love when my mom and dad come here. It makes it seem more homey for some reason. Probably because there is a home cooked meal on the table every day and my house is clean!

So that's about it. I'm going to go and watch some movies and eat a sub! Have a good night all (or day depending on when your reading this!)

Shannon

Jealousy

You know jealousy is not good... nor is it fun. Every time I see a pregnant women I envy her. I see the belly and I just wish that I could have that. I see a baby in a father's arms and I want so badly to see Jeff holding our child. But beyond even the longing to be like them... I'm mad at them too. I know that's crazy, but I hate that they have what I don't have. I feel like a child thats been told they can't have a candy but their best friend has one. Its like, how dare you have a child if I can't!

Now, before anyone gets freaked out, I love you all dearly. And all this is just irrational thoughts. I don't actually hate pregnant people or people with kids! But its hard to fight against that jealousy.

I figured out what my problem is though. I'm putting this child that I so badly want, before God. That's what jealousy is. Its wanting something more then you want the Lord. If I am to stop my jealousy I need to first walk closer with Christ. I need to be willing to sacrifice ever having children, for Him. I need to be willing to accept whatever decision He has made for me whether that mean a child, or no child. And that is hard for me. My whole life I have wanted a baby. I said as a teen that I only needed a husband to get a child! (that has changed now... no worries sweetie!) I am so caught up in what I want that I'm not being attentive to what Christ wants of me.

Now, I may have just wrote all that out... and in a fairy tale I would be cured and everything would be fine. But I have had these thoughts for a long time... and I still have lots of trouble taking my own advice.

I think we all at some point can let worldly things become more important then God. The goal is to break those habits and let God be in control of our lives. And we will see that when He is in control, our lives are much better off.

Shannon

Yum... Ribs!

I'm waiting for my ribs to cook... and I can't wait! So to help the time pass I thought I would blog!

Lets see... well first off, sorry about not posting yesterday. I had a horrible headache that sent me home in the afternoon to sleep. Sleeping and pills didn't really work so that sucked. I was afraid a cold was coming my way... but today things seem fine. Except for sneezing.

I called the Doctor's office today to see if my blood work was actually lost because tomorrow I could go and get the Day 21 test again. I found out that it is all there so I am very relieved. I guess next week at our Doctor's appointment I will finally find out if I am ovulating or not.

I saw my puppy today! She is so gorgeous!! And shes getting big... well as big as one can expect for a chihuahua puppy! The new owners brought her by the office. As soon as she heard my voice her little tail started to wag! It makes me wish I had her all the more. The good news is that our manager has another pregnant dog now, so more puppies will be arriving in April. They are all spoken for which is good cause I won't get attached, but I will get to spoil them like I did this one!

So that's about it. Jeff and I are staying home tonight and just chillin'. We need that!

Talk to you tomorrow... hopefully!

Shannon

Nothing Much

Happy Valentines Day to everyone! Jeff and I went out last night for supper and a movie. We saw "Because I Said So". It was good. Nothing extraordinary... but funny.

I don't have much to tell you today. I've been very tired. We went to Claresholm to check on the Thrift Store there and the whole way back I kept falling asleep. My hubby tells me I have carcalepsy, because I fall asleep as soon as I sit in a vehicle!

I bought yet another baby outfit at the Thrift Store today! This is getting addicting. By the time we do have kids I won't have to buy anything! I also bought a purse.

So that's about it for today. Nothing exciting at all. Sorry to bore you all.

Shannon

I hate doctors!!!

So I phoned for an appointment with my doctor to discuss what we need to do next. I can't get an appointment until next Friday, the 23rd! I'm so frustrated. She is never in her office. The receptionist was reading out her schedule and she is in Calgary doing courses and seminars like every day! This is like the 3rd time I have tried to set up appointments with her and it takes forever. ARGHHH!!

That's life I guess. The ladies on the forum I'm on say that it can take up to a year to actually get going on fertility treatments. Its like the doctors don't care that you've been waiting long enough. There is actually one lady who shared that her doctor told her "Whats one more month when you've been trying for 2 years!" Can you believe it! I think I would have lost my cool at that.

Well, that's my rant for this morning!

Shannon

What a weekend!

I had a pretty good weekend. First off, I'm not sure if i did ovulate last week... my temperatures are all over the place... so there is still a little chance for this month. That's good because it gives me hope. Its amazing how much my mood changes when I know that there is hope and something to look forward to.

Second, on Sunday I shared with the congregation our struggles with infertility. I preached on Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path." It is my favorite Bible Verse and it has gotten me through a lot in my life so far. I shared with them that sometimes we don't understand why God is doing something (or not doing something!), but we need to lean on him and trust that he knows whats best for us. Of course as soon as I shared about our struggles I started crying, and from there the whole sermon kind of flopped! Everyone was very supportive though. It felt good to share this with them. They are like our "family", each and every one of them, and its good to have support from "family".

So that was my weekend. We planned on going to Drumheller to see our friends who had a baby last week, but the weather here has been pretty horrible. It has snowed everyday, almost all day, for well over a week now. Its crazy! So we will head down there maybe next weekend.

So that's it right now. I hope you all had a good weekend. For those who are working this Monday morning... I feel for you! We have the day off today!! YAH!!! Love you all! :)

Shannon

Its done

I just got back from my test and it hurt like hell! It felt like I needed to pee and poop and had the worst possible menstrual cramps, all at the same time. It sucked!! But you will be happy to hear that the results came back normal. So that means there is no blockage in my tubes, and no signs of endometrioisis. And you'd think I'd be happy... and I am... kind of.

You see, I didn't know what I wanted to find out today. If it was something like endometriosis that would have been bad. If it was something like a blocked tube, that would have been kind of good, because its fixable and it would explain why we are still not pregnant.

Normal is not fixable. Something obviously is wrong, and not being able to diagnose it sucks. So I'm happy that things are okay... yet not. Sorry if that doesn't make sense to anyone.

I'm also not happy at my Doctor right now. Supposedly there was a computer failure at her office and they may or may not have lost my blood work from last month. This means that I will have to wait until next month to get them done again, and then wait another month to start any sort of treatment. We have to schedule an appointment with the doctor for next week to sit down and discuss options so we will see then if the computer ate my bloodwork!

So that's my day. Thank you everyone for praying.

Shannon

I'm a nervous wreck

So I go for my test today at 1:00. I wish women didn't have so many hormones. I'm just a wreck today. I've cried enough this morning to make up for a year! I think I am making too much of today, but I just can't seem to help it.

I took a pregnancy test today... and got a faint line. Like I needed that. And no worries to anyone getting excited... it was just an evaporation line.

I will post after my test to let you all know what happened. Please pray that things are okay. I think I will be much better after it is done.

Thanks everyone!

Shannon

Its a bad day... :(

I'm very depressed today. I figured it would happen with the test being tomorrow, but I was hoping that I would be able to ignore it. I've done a decent job of getting through it... but the moment I stop to think I feel like crying.

There are few reasons actually for the feelings. First, this test tomorrow is freaking me out more then I thought it would. Its not because of the test itself, the discomfort or pain, its because I could find out some horrible news tomorrow. This test will direct the future for us. If there is nothing wrong, great! If there is something wrong it could be countless surgeries and drugs and of course a huge load of money. (Fertility treatments can easily cost up to $20,000).

Another reason why I'm pretty bummed out right now is that Jeff is feeling a little sick. If he gets a cold or the flu, it can affect his already poor sperm quality. It would then take another 3 months for the sperm to regenerate. That's a long time!

Yet another reason is that I think I may be ovulating right now. This means that I will miss my chance this month. I was really hoping that I would ovulate late, like last month, but I have all the symptoms of ovulation today. If my egg has already released, tomorrow the dye will get rid of it.

So today just downright sucks. And to top it off I had to volunteer at "healthy moms healthy babies" today. I do the childcare for them twice a month. This morning there was a 9 month old there who was sick with a cold. What really gets to me is that his Mom smokes around them all the time. The poor kid can hardly breath as it is because of the smoke, never mind with a cold. So as I held him and rocked him to sleep I had to hold back tears once again as I thought of how unfair all of this is. In our line of work we see so many families that really don't deserve to have kids. Its hard not to want to take them and raise them as our own.

So that's it for today... sorry for being such a cry baby. There is a moment of joy coming to end my day with though.... Survivor starts tonight!! YAH!! So that will cheer me up!

Shannon

Miracles

Heres a video that I have found very helpful this year. Its a bit of a tear jerker. Enjoy!

um.. goodnight brain

All I can think about is babies and being pregnant and it is driving me nuts! I haven't been this obsessed for a long, long time. I closed off much of my emotions a long time ago, mainly, I believe, to protect myself. I don't think I could cope with this type of emotional roller coaster every month. I'd go insane!

Everything I see, or do reminds me of being pregnant or having a child. Do you know how many times the commercial for home pregnancy tests comes on in one night? A lot! I walk by the spare room (Or as we call it.. the babies room) and I envision how I will set everything up. I sit in our living room and I imagine where I will put the toys, and the high chair. Literally, everything I do somehow makes me think of babies!!

Today was kind of stupid too because I was nauseous and having to go pee a lot, which of course are signs of pregnancy... which is impossible since I am way too early in my cycle for all that. But my brain just automatically thinks..."I must be pregnant!". This doesn't help because my exam is on Friday and if I am pregnant, the test will terminate it. So I think my worries about all of that is making my body play tricks on me. I shouldn't ovulate until after the test.

If someone knows a way to turn off your brain... please let me know!

Good night all!
Shannon

My Little Doggy

So this probably won't be the last time I post today... but I thought I should share with you a picture of my little puppy. Isn't it just the cutest thing! Now you know why I fell in love!

My doggy went to its new home on Sunday. Supposedly she is doing well there. I miss her tons.

Anyways, I'll probably write more later!

Shannon

A Pretty Good Day

Today has been another decently relaxing day. Mondays are usually our day off, and I only had to work this morning so far! So not bad!

I bought more baby clothes today. Nothing near as cute as that first outfit, but nice enough! I even got a boy one, just in case! ;-)

Last night I tried on some maternity clothes that I got from a friend of mine. That was a neat thing. Just to see a pretend belly. (Well, unfortunately I didn't have to "pretend" much!). There were some really nice shirts in there.

My Friend, Allison, had a baby boy yesterday. His name is Aaron Micah Downey. He was 9 lbs 3 oz! So a big one! Congrats guys!

I think that's about it. Sorry for all these boring posts lately! As Friday gets closer and closer I imagine that my posts will become a little more interesting as I fret about the test. So stay tuned!

Shannon

Oh No... I missed one!

I missed a post yesterday! The first one since I started this! Oh well, it was a pretty lazy day anyway.

Today has gone pretty well. There was a good turn out at church and I preached and didn't make too big of a flop! OH.. and I got to talk to my Mom today. So I was really happy about that. We also made plans for her to phone on Friday after my test so that I can let her know the details. So that helps relieve my mind. Also, Jeff and I watched a movie today, "A Good Woman". It was quite good.

That's about it! Its a boring day which is just fine with me! This week is budget week, so we will be very busy getting that together, so a day to relax is nice.

I hope you all have had a good day. I'll write tomorrow!

Shannon

Mom... where are you?

I love my mom and dad. They are wonderful parents and have always been great supporters of my calling, my decisions, and my life in general.

For those who don't know, my parents are working at oil camps in northern Alberta. My Mom is the second cook and my dad is the camp attendant. Sometimes they get to go to a camp that has cell phone access. Other times, like right now, they are so far out in the woods that there isn't a chance that a cell phone would work! I believe they are near the Yukon boarder actually.

I like to talk to my Mom (a lot) and especially in these past few years. You see, my mom had trouble getting pregnant as well. She was diagnosed with endometriosis. It took many years for her to get pregnant. And for all those years she went through the same heartbreaks that I have been going through.. seeing others having babies, seeing people who don't want to be pregnant having babies and having to put your life on hold as you spend time, emotions, and money on treatments.

My Mom is the only other person that I know personally that has gone through what I am going through. And not having her here to talk to has been a little difficult. Especially with us now going to doctors and having tests done. My biggest fear right now is that next week at my HSG Dye Test I will find out I have endometriosis and I won't be able to talk to her about it. I mean no offense to any of my family and friends reading this, you would all be very supportive, but my mom would truly understand.

So I am very sad that I cannot talk to her right now, but I am praying that the test will go fine and I won't need her shoulder to cry on. I am also hoping that she will be placed in a new and closer camp soon!

I love you Mom!

Shannon