July 15th

Today would have been our sweet Gabe's due date.  It's hard to believe that 9 months have gone and this date has come.  A lot of healing has happened the last few months.  The due date for the twins was incredibly hard but since then I have really been able to let go and let God bring the healing he wanted into my heart.  I miss our little ones so much and wish more than anything that they were here with me but I'm okay.  I'm happy that today Gabe and all my children in heaven are celebrating with my Nan on her birthday!  I am happy that they are "home" and living in paradise.  I am happy that I don't have to worry about them.  I am happy that they are happy!


To our little sweet Gabriel... I miss you, I love you.  I wish I could just give you a big giant hug and a big sloppy kiss today.  When I think of you I picture you as a happy, carefree, sweet little boy and I can't wait until the day I get to meet you in person and see for myself what you look like and find out all about you.  I pray that today you are having a great time celebrating with your great-grandmother.  I always said that I couldn't wait for her to meet my children.  I am so happy that she is there now to keep you company until we come home.  Give my love to all your siblings and a big birthday kiss to Nan.

Love you forever,

Mom

March 5th

Esme and Zane,

Today is the day... it would have been your due date.  I've been dreading this day for many months wondering how I would get through it without you.  I miss you.  I know that I only "knew" you for a short while but in just a few short weeks you were able to wind yourselves around my heart and I loved you.  I wanted you.  I prayed for many years to have the chance to carry you and God blessed us with you!  I just wish that it could have been for longer.

While my heart may ache to have you here on this earth I am also overjoyed that you are where you belong.  I wonder some days what you are like there.  What body do you have... that of a child... an adult?  Do you know me?  Do you look down and remember me?  I know this side of heaven I will never have those answers but I am comforted by knowing that no matter what, you are safe, happy and living in the most beautiful place imaginable. I am happy for you!

I will be honest and say that I am sad that I never got to meet the two of you.  I was looking forward to the day that I would get to hold you and kiss you and be your everything.  I look around at my life and there is a hole where you both should have been.  You were suppose to be here.  I was suppose to be either uncomfortably pregnant or horribly sleep deprived by now.  But neither of those are true... instead I have this empty spot in my heart and in my home.

Please don't worry about me though.  God has been good!  I'm sure you know that.  At my darkest time he has held me.  When my faith was shaken and doubts came He stood strong for me and pulled me through.  I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for Him.  I may not understand why you were not meant to walk on this earth but I trust in his plan and in his goodness.

I pray that you know how much I love you both!  You changed my life... you made me a Mom!  I will always miss you, always grieve what we lost when you left but we will make it through.  And someday we will get to meet!  I look forward to that day!  And until then I will hold you in my heart and love you at a distance.

Love you forever,

Mom

When will it be OUR turn?

I have been asked twice this week about our babies. One was someone at church asking whether I was still carrying (hmmm… does that mean I look like I am?? YIKES!) and the other was today. A lady asked if I had had the babies yet. My heart, with each innocent question, broke just a little bit more. No I am not carrying and No I have not given birth… my babies instead are enjoying their days in the presence of their creator.

Last week a friend that went through IVF at the same time as me and got (and stayed) pregnant with twins had her babies. I am so happy for her and that even though the twins were a month premature they are healthy and happy. I can’t help thinking though that this could have been us. Right now at this moment I could be holding my precious little Esme and Zane. I can’t describe the kind of crushing feeling this realization brings to my heart. For short moments it hurts so bad I wonder how I will move on… but thankfully the moment does pass and I find the strength (thank you Jesus!) to put those thoughts away and get on with my day.

I am not looking forward to March 5^th, the Estimated Due date for the twins. Well to be honest I’m not looking forward to these next weeks leading up to it either. This was supposed to be a joyous time for us and instead it’s filled with grief. I’m not sad for our babies… they are in a wonderful place… but I am sad for us and for our empty arms. This month marks 9 years that we have been TTC. 9 YEARS! Never in my wildest imagination did I believe we would still be childless at this point in our lives. And most definitely I did not imagine that we would have said goodbye to three children.

I have found myself saying over and over when will it be OUR time? When will we get to hold our child and love them and protect them? When will we get to hear our child call us Mom and Dad? I don’t care how they come to us, whether it’s biological or adoption, but when will they come?? How long must we wait while everyone around us seems to be able to build a family so easily?

Sigh… Lord please give me strength… I can’t do this without you.

Baby's first Christmas... in heaven

It's Christmas morning for us!  We are so thankful to be done with the work side of Christmas (it has been a stressful and tiring month) and are looking forward to this time off but my heart is heavy this morning as I think about my  babies that should still be here with us. :(  This Christmas was suppose to be different.  This Christmas I was suppose to be excited for the coming year and the arrival of our little ones.  If I were still pregnant with Esme and Zane I would be 30 weeks today.  I would be making final preperations for their arrival.  If I were still carrying Gabe I would be approaching the 12 week mark in a few days and would probably be finding a little relief to be done with the first trimester.  But I'm not pregnant.  Once again Christmas will come and go and we will be childless.  It's so hard sometimes not to just give up and let sorrow and grief over take me.  This is not where I thought I would be 10 years into our marriage.  I really thought by now that we would have had a child either by birth or adoption.  And here I still sit with empty arms.  Sigh... 

Someone posted this poem on my forum yesterday and I wanted to share it...

"First Christmas"

I hear that on the Earth below
This is a special season
With lights and songs and gifts and such,
And Jesus is the reason!

In the place I would have lived
Are strings of light that blink and shine,
But you should see the light up here
That glows from Jesus all the time!

In the place I would have lived
Carols play, and special songs,
But you should hear the music that
The angels sing here all day long!

In the place I would have lived,
Gifts are giv’n on Christmas Day,
But you should feel the joy we feel
Because God’s gift is here to stay!

In the place I would have lived,
Tears have flowed because I’m gone.
My family wishes I were there
To see and hear and feel it all.

But in this place where I now live,
It’s Christmas all day, all year long,
And the sights and sounds I’d see with them
Are pure, unblemished by all wrong.

So on this day that would have been
My first Christmas on the Earth,
Mama, Daddy, you need to know
I’m celebrating Jesus’ birth!

When you sing songs to worship Him,
I’m singing with the angels, too.
I’m never closer than when we all
Praise Him for our life anew.

I know this life began for me
Sooner than you thought it would.
I know your hearts are hurting now,
And you would change things if you could.

But in this place, where you’ll come, too,
We’ll be together, forever.
And there will be no more good-byes
When we celebrate Christmas in heaven – together! 

I miss my babies and I can't wait until the day I get to meet them in Heaven and celebrate Christmas with them there.

The Cord

The Cord

 

We are connected,

My child and I, by

An invisible cord,

Not seen by the eye.

 

It’s not like the cord

That connects us ‘til birth

This cord can’t be seen

By any on earth.

 

 

This cord does its work

Right from the start.

It binds us together

Attached to my heart.

 

 

I know that it’s there

Though no one can see

The invisible cord

From my child to me.

 

 

The strength of this cord,

It’s hard to describe,

It can’t be destroyed

It can’t be denied.

 

 

It’s stronger than any cord

Man could create.

It withstands the test

Can hold any weight.

 

 

And though you are gone,

Though you’re not here with me,

The cord is still there

But no one can see.

 

 

It pulls at my heart

I am bruised, I am sore.

But the cord is my lifeline

As never before

 

 

I am thankful that God

Connects us this way

A Mother and Child

Death can’t take it away

(Author Unknown)

 

 

 

I found this poem last night and thought it was so beautiful.  I know that sometimes to those that are around me I can seem like everything is okay and I'm doing alright, but that Cord that connects me to my babies is strong and sometimes it really just pulls me so hard that I feel like my heart could break in half.  I know I will be okay... I know that time heals.  But it does leave a scar.

 

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the Doctor... I am both thankful and scared.  I am thankful that this time I am going to see a doctor... last time I didn't have any medical attention and I felt kind of lost and alone in the whole ordeal.  But I'm scared because this appointment was originally set up as my first prenatal appointment.  I would have been 7 weeks today.  I didn't realise how hard it would be to keep the same appointment.  Plus I have to go to the women's clinic which I'm sure will be filled with pregnant women.  I'm really praying I can keep it together while I am there.

 

As always, would appreciate your prayers.  Thanks everyone.

 

 

We've Lost Another One

I know I promised that I would write updates as we went through our FET journey but I never seemed to find the time to write. As you may have guessed from my title, we were very fortunate and blessed to conceive again but unfortunately at 5 weeks 3 days on November 15th we miscarried again. I just don't have the energy to write our story out at the moment. Maybe someday... we will see.

 

It has only been a little over a week since we lost our little Gabriel (Gabe for short). Right from day one I felt that this one was a boy. I kept saying that if it came out a girl it would end up having an identity crisis! Gabriel means "God is my strength". Right now, it is definitely God's strength that is keeping me going.

 

I'm really missing my babies tonight. It seems like everywhere around me are reminders of what we don't have... of what we lost. It's only been a week since we found out for sure that we miscarried Gabe and it feels like an eternity. I can't believe that I am now a Mother of three (well three miscarried babies... We also have 23 other little ones, lost as embryos) in heaven. We have been TTC for nearly 9 years and somedays I wish I could go back to the "simpler" time of just having infertility to grieve over. But then I also think of how grateful I am that at least I have children... even if they are waiting for us in heaven.

 

Esme, Zane, Gabe and my 23 precious little ones...

 

I love you and I miss you! I can't wait for the day that I get to meet you in heaven and hug and kiss you. I wish we could have met this side of heaven but I am thankful that you are spending eternity in your heavenly home. Someday we will all get to be a family together, but until then I will hold you each in my heart.

 

Love your Mom

We Have The Dates!

We finally have the dates for our upcoming FET (frozen embryo transfer)!  We had to wait until my cycle started to know for sure when things would be happening.  So, if all goes well here's what will happen...

On October 22nd we have our first ultrasound at the clinic to check my lining.  They will want to see that it is between 7mm and 12mm in thickness.  For our IVF cycle my lining was at 11.4mm so they don't expect that I will have any issues.  However, you never know what your body will do and what worked one month might not work the next.

If my lining looks good then we will transfer our embryo on October 26th.  Thawing embryos can be tricky and there is a chance that our embryo will not survive the thaw.  We are praying hard that this will not happen.  IF our little one doesn't make it they will take out another one and thaw that one.  And if that one doesn't make it they will go to the next and so on and so on.  There is a chance that by the end of this month we will have lost all our babies.  That is probably the scariest part for me right now.  The idea of losing our 5 babies without them ever having a chance to live inside of me even if only for a couple weeks makes my heart stop a beat.  That will be the most devastating outcome.

If our embryo thaws well though (please Lord let that be the case) they will transfer it that Friday and then we will be into our 2ww.  Our Beta test for pregnancy will be on November 7th.  I haven't determined yet if we will take a HPT (home pregnancy test) before that.  Part of me likes the idea of not knowing for as long as possible so that if the result is negative I can "pretend" for a few more days.  I guess we will see when the time comes.

So that's the plan for now.  If those dates change I will keep you all updated.  Please continue praying for our little embryo and that he/she thaws well and will be able to snuggle in tight.

Naming Our Little Ones

A couple weeks ago I decided that I would like to give names to the two babies we lost through the miscarriage.  While I am sad that we lost 23 embryo's and I love them all dearly, the two we miscarried have left a little bigger of an impression on my heart.  To have had them live inside me for 6 weeks I think made our connection to them a little deeper.  I felt it would be nice to be able to refer to them by names sometimes rather than always "little ones".

I wanted names that had meaning, not necessarily names that we would have chosen had they lived.  I scoured through baby name sites and started a list of names that had meanings I liked.  Two stood out on the list so we decided to go with those.

The first name is Esme.  Esme means Loved.  As soon as we transferred our two little embryos I had a strong feeling that one was a girl.  For this reason I felt comfortable going with a female name.  I think the meaning says it all.  Our little girl was and is Loved. 

The second name is Zane.  Zane means Gift from God or God is Gracious.  I don't have any feelings about whether the second baby was a girl or a boy so I wanted something that was unisex (though I must admit I think of Zane as a boys name first).  This little baby was an incredible gift from God and through this whole experience God's Grace has been so evident to us.  The meaning is yet again perfect for our little one.

So, we miss our little Esme and Zane and all our little ones in Heaven and we thank God everyday that he saw fit to bless us with their lives no matter how short they were.

I AM A MOM

I have 30 children... and all but five live in Heaven. Four of my babies lived only two days, nineteen lived for four days, two lived for thirty days and five are still living waiting for the chance to hopefully snuggle into my womb and grow healthy and strong until we can meet and hold them in our arms.

Some may not agree with me. There are many debates about when life begins. I believe it starts at conception. The moment my egg and Jeff's sperm fused together it created a unique set of genes and therefore a unique child... and I became a mom. I do not know if they have red hair or blond; blue eyes or green; or if they are tall or short. I don't even know how many are my sons and how many are my daughters. What I do know is that they're perfect and beautiful and they are mine.

The bible tells us that when we die we have a new body in heaven... A perfect one with no flaws or scars. How beautiful that my children never had to experience the pain of this world! They never had to experience a scrapped knee, a broken heart, or the loss of a loved one. I know that some of you will say that while they may have been saved from pain and suffering they also missed out on the good things of this world. I disagree! This world has NOTHING on our Heavenly home. My children are NOT missing out. They are living in paradise!! So quickly after their souls were born they got to meet their creator! How amazing is that!

While I selfishly wish that they were here with me I really couldn't have asked for a better life for my children! And while I wholeheartedly believe that, I know I will and am praying that God will see fit to bless me with one of my babies here on earth so that I don't have to wait so long to feel their hugs or hear their voice.

This past Monday I started my medication for our upcoming FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). By the end of October we hope to be able to transfer one of our five frozen babies. I am looking forward to being united with my child but I'm scared. So many things can go wrong. First, it isn't a guarantee that the embryo will thaw well and we may lose one or more in the process. If they do survive the thaw and are transferred there is no guarantee that they will implant. And if they do implant there is no guarantee that they will snuggle in for the long haul. I love my frozen children... even as tiny as they are. To lose them will be devastating... no matter at what point.

It is my plan this time to keep everyone updated on our journey to getting pregnant again. While I would love to be able to keep everything a secret and then hopefully surprise everyone with an announcement there is no way for us to hide the fact (at least from the people we are close to) that we are traveling to Vancouver at the end of the month. It wouldn't take long for people to figure out why we went there! (I have no doubts you are all smart enough to put two and two together! lol!). So instead this time we decided we would just keep everyone updated and that way we can record our journey here so that I can look back on it (and maybe educate people about the process or help someone out who is going through it themselves) but also, and most importantly, I can have people praying for us as we go. I'm not sure you all realize how AMAZING Jeff and I find it to know that our journey to parenthood is covered in prayer not only by friends and family but also by people we have never met! I know that our story has affected many people through the years and when we grieve you grieve and when we are happy you are happy. For that reason I am honored to share our lives with you.

So as these next few weeks progress I'll share with you what is happening and where we are in the process. Please begin praying now for our little embryo that we hope to transfer. Also, I would really appreciate prayers for Jeff and I as we walk this path again.... it's scary I admit and every so often I allow myself to start worrying rather than trusting in God's plan for us. Prayers for peace and strength would be great! Thanks everyone!

Memorial Necklace

This is the memorial necklace that I had made to remember my precious little ones.  If I ever miscarry again I can add an EDD (Estimated Due Date) birthstone to the necklace.  I pray of course that there will only ever be these two on here, but we never know our future.  Proverbs 3:5-6 is my favorite bible verse and has been since I was a teenager.  It has helped me through so many tough times, especially in my IF journey.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." - Proverbs 3:5-6