IVF is out

We got a letter from the fund today that said we were approved for $3000.00. I am so disappointed. That leaves us trying to come up with $9500.00... and that just isn't possible right now. So, needless to say I am once again crushed. I just want something to work out... something that will move us along to finally being parents.

I did phone the doctors office to set up an appointment. I want to see if it is possible to use the grant money for treatment other then IVF... for example a round of injectables with IUI (which the $3000 would cover easily.. maybe even two rounds). When we were last there the doctor said this wasn't really an option for us because the percentage of success was low, but the way I figure it, IVF is out of the picture so it's worth a try right? Without the doctors recommendation though, I know we won't be able to use the money. So we will see.

Anyways, I may write more later... not really in the mood to write right now, but I wanted to let you all know.

Shannon

Prayers for Tuesday night please!!

This past weekend I wrote an e-mail to the "Generations of Hope" fund to see if they had even received our application. Since we sent it by mail, and we hadn't heard anything from them, I wanted to make sure that they had it. Well we got a response back today that they have received it and that it should make it on their agenda for tomorrow night!! We should hear back sometime either late this week or early next week. I'm so excited, even though it may come back saying we weren't approved, but at least then we will know and can plan our future accordingly.

Anyways, I just wanted to let you all know and ask that you pray tomorrow night that the right decision will be made (whether it's to approve it or not) and that we will be able to accept whatever outcome. I really feel that this will help give us some clarification on what God's will is in all of this. If it's approved then I know that we can move forward... if not I know God is stopping it for some reason or another.

Thanks in advance for your prayers and as soon as we hear I will let you all know!

Shannon

Midnight Ramblings...

I've been re-reading my old blog entries tonight and I am both encouraged and saddened by them.

First, reading everyone's encouraging words and sensing their love for us has made me realise how blessed we really are. We have amazing family and friends. I can't thank you enough for supporting us.

But mostly tonight I am saddened. As I read old posts I realised just how long we have been trying. I realise the kind of roller coaster we have been on. My oldest posts are all about hope, and then it turns to anger, then to extreme grief, and then nothing. That's what I feel like lately... nothing. Sure I still cry here and there, but for the most part I feel numb. I feel like I am just floating, like my feet aren't touching the ground. Its an odd feeling, to feel nothing.

Jeff and I have pretty much stopped TTC and to tell you the truth the break has been nice. For months now, when AF comes I am not depressed by it at all. I know when to expect her and I know (most months without a shadow of a doubt) that I am not pregnant.

But this month I've been feeling like I need to touch the ground again. I feel kind of lost... or something. I don't really know what it is. All I know is that I don't think it is good for me to be feeling nothing... to feel empty. Maybe that's what it is... emptiness. Hmm.. I may have to think on that.

We're back!

Hi All!

I'm back from Newfoundland and it was great! We had an awesome time. It was really the perfect holiday... just the right amount of time.

When we arrived home I was really hoping to see an envelope with good news sitting on my table, but it wasn't there. I guess now we will hopefully hear back in September. I hate this waiting game. I just want to know, good or bad.

We found out this week that friends of ours who were also struggling with infertility are now pregnant. I'm very happy for them, but at the same time I feel very saddened. Once again we are left on our own... I believe they were the last married friends that didn't have a baby. It seems like everyone else is realising their dreams while we sit here waiting. It's very frustrating.

Anyways, that's it for an update... not much is happening in the fertility department...as usual. As soon as we hear I will update with the news.

Shannon

No news yet...

We still haven't heard about our funding, and I'm not expecting to hear now until next month. The Doctor mentioned that they meet at the beginning of every month so if we made it to that meeting I would think we would have heard back by now. So, we have to wait a little longer before we know what our future holds.

On a good note one week from tomorrow we will be heading to Newfoundland for a three week vacation! I can't wait! We're going to take the first 5 days to travel up to L'Anse aux Meadows and then spend one week at mom and dad's cabin on the lake and a week in my home town. Should be fun!

I'm hoping that when we return there will be an envelope with good news sitting on my table! Even funding for $8,000 or so would be helpful. Well, I guess I just have to be patient.

You probably won't hear from me now until I get back... so have a great summer!

Shannon

What are you?

Are you an optimist or a pessimist?

I am definitely a pessimist! Last night I was talking with Jeff about our application and that I'm not feeling very confident that we are going to get funding. Jeff on the other hand thinks we will.

For as long as I remember I have always been a pessimist. Really, I think being a pessimist is the best way. Its a win, win situation! For example, I believe we aren't going to get funding. If we do get it I will be surprised and will be ecstatic. If we don't I won't be too disappointed because I wasn't thinking we would anyway. If I were an optimist and we didn't get funding I would be heartbroken.

So I got thinking about all that and I wonder if God made me a pessimist because he knew I would be struggling with infertility. I think it would be very hard to be an optimist while going through this journey. On those rare months when I am optimistic I have the most heartbreaking let down. It's not worth it I don't think. I would much rather prepare my self for the worst and hope for the best.

So how about you? Do you see the glass as half full or half empty?

Shannon

It's out of our hands...

We sent our funding application for IVF today. What a relief to have it done and in the mail! Although now I am going to be on pins and needles waiting for an answer. We could find out early next month or a couple months from now. Not knowing when will be hard.

As I dropped it into the mail I said a little prayer that God's will would be done. We still aren't sure if this is the path God has chosen for us, but until he puts up a road block we will continue on. I am really hoping that it is right for us. The idea that we could be pregnant before Christmas is exciting! And maybe even with Twins! Although, that idea is also a little scary. :)

If you wouldn't mind, please keep this in your prayers as well. We really want to do what God wants us to do. I don't want to end up on the operating table thinking we made the wrong decision!

I will keep you all posted!

Shannon

Still here...

What a BORING blog I have!! I just never seem to want to write on here anymore.

Just to keep you updated, we were given the application to apply for funding for IVF a couple months ago and we still haven't completed it yet. I don't know if it's just my procrastination or if it's the fact that I don't want to travel down that road. Maybe it's a bit of both. I figure if I was that excited about doing it I would have sat down and filled it out by now. But, I really am a BIG procrastinator!

As for the rest of life:

• We are STILL in the process of trying to get the new church completed. We are waiting on a building permit so we can start on the inside work.
• All of our weekly programs have shut down for the summer now so that will free us up a little more.
• We are planning on going to the mountains for camping next Sunday after church. I'm really looking forward to that.
• We are going to newfie-land this summer for 3 weeks. Should be tons of fun! We just need to find cheap tickets!

Today is also a sad day for me... it was one year ago today that my Nan passed away. I can't believe a year has gone by already! I don't think her death has really sunk in for me yet. I think when we go home this summer it will really hit me.

So that's life at the moment. As soon as anything else happens I will update you all.

Shannon

Mothers Day...

...or as I like to call it "rub it in your face that you don't have a kid" day.

This day sucks... well for me at least. It is just another reminder that I do not get the chance to celebrate as a mother. But meanwhile, I have to go to church and put on a happy face and give out flowers to all the moms and say "Happy Mothers Day" to everyone I see. I hate it. It drains me. All I want to do is stay home, curl up and cry. It is all so unfair.

I've been dreading this day all week. To top it off, I brought Tillsley to the breeders house today. We are going to a course in Winnipeg this week so he is staying with her for 10 days! I miss him already.

A good part of tomorrow though is that I am going to see my best friend. I can't wait! Although I wish we didn't have to go to class all week. But we are staying there next weekend so we will get a few free days with them. It should be a busy, but fun week!

Well, sorry to all you mothers. I really do wish you all a wonderful mothers day! And to my mom... I love you! I wouldn't be able to get through my days without you... so Happy Mother's Day! xox

Shannon

I miss my puppy!!

This has nothing to do with infertility... but I miss my puppy! I just dropped him off at my friend Dawns house. We are going to be in Calgary all this week at a conference and it didn't seem fair to have him in his kennel all day and night (6:30am - 8:00pm). This is the first time I've been away from him since we got him in November. I really hope that he doesn't terrorise them all week!!

Seriously, I am really going to find this week hard. I know some of you are thinking... "its just a dog"... and I wish I could think that way, but he really has become my baby. You have no idea what that puppy has done for me during these last few months. We got him just after finding out about our 1% chance of ever having children (without IVF) and I think it is because of him that I didn't have a complete breakdown. Having to look after him and "baby" him has helped fulfil that motherly side of me. And of course bringing him everywhere with me and having people tell me how cute he is!

Well, I will probably regret writing this in the morning when I realise just how lame all of this is... but oh well. I miss my puppy... that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Shannon

To fund or not to fund? That is the question.

We had our doctor's appointment today. It went well. Not a whole lot accomplished, but I wasn't really expecting it to. We did receive an application to apply to "Generations Of Hope", an organization that helps fund couples for IVF. The fact that the doctor gave us the application is a good indication that we might get approved, but you never know. So for now we are going to fill out the forms, send them off and see what they say. I really hope that we get full funding rather then partial.

I had mixed emotions this morning after the appointment. Part of me is so angry and frustrated that we have to even see a fertility specialist, and the other part of me is excited about the possibility of IVF. Not the actual procedure but the fact that we might actually get pregnant this year. I haven't had hope like that for a long time. It feels good to see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel when we were in darkness for so long.

Off the topic of infertility, I went to the emergency room this afternoon, after my fertility doctor suggested it, to check out a blood shot eye. Turns out I have a contagious infection that I received when looking after a friends day home children for a morning last Thursday. No good deed goes unpunished right? lol! So, along with a horrible cold I have been fighting since Saturday (which I also caught from the kids), I have not been to work this week and looks like until my eye clears up I won't be back there for a couple more days yet. Staying home was fun for the first day... now I'm just bored!

Well, I believe that is all for now. Keep praying... especially for guidance as we decide what path God has choosen for us.

Shannon

I would die for that... or would I?

The last several weeks I have been listening non-stop to my favorite infertility song by Kellie Coffey. I posted the you-tube video on here a while back but I thought I would just give you the post to her music. http://www.kelliecoffey.com/Music.asp. I like the video, but I find that it distracts me from the words of the song. Listen to it if you have a moment.

The songs main point is that she would die to have the family that everyone else has. She would do anything to have the chance to hear a child call her mom. I've been thinking about that statement "I would die for that", and I wonder, would I? Would I do ANYTHING to have a child? I don't think I would.

I heard a couple months ago about a couple who had been trying for years (12) to have a child and she finally got pregnant. About 6 months into the pregnancy her husband died of a massive heart attack. I thought how horrible... to finally get your "gift" but to not be able to enjoy it. And I know God doesn't work this way, but I thought what if God had said its either a baby or your husband... you choose! I phoned Jeff after I heard the story, with tears in my eyes, and told him no baby was ever worth him and our marriage. I would never sacrifice our lives together to have a child. It isn't worth it to me.

There was a show on TV once about a women who had told her husband that her parents would pay for a round of IVF ($10,000) so they did the procedure (it didn't work) only to find out after that she had actually applied for several credit cards behind his back and had charged the cost of the procedure to the cards, sending them into more debt (they had already spent about $20,000 on IVF cycles before). I can't imagine doing something like that. To want a child so bad that you put your future in jeopardy? I would never think of doing something like that.

Saying that, I will go as far as God allows to bring this dream of ours to reality. Any door he opens I will go through, and any door he closes I will accept. The song says "and I won't understand it, if its not meant to be." That's true, I won't understand it... I won't understand why God has given me a heart that aches for a child and then not give me the child to love... but who am I? I can't see the big picture. I don't know what the future holds, only He does.

So would I die to have what so many of my friends and family have? Would I die to hold a baby in my arms, and not have to pass it back to it's mother? Would I die to hear the words "I love you mom"? The answer is no... I wouldn't... but I would still love to experience it all and will continue on this journey until I feel I need to stop.

Infertility SUCKS!!

We had our information meeting on IVF last night. It wasn't too informative, only because I have done so much research I kind of knew it all. I figured it would be good for Jeff but he said nothing was new to him either because I tell him everything. :) I can't help it I'm a women... I talk!

So, we didn't find out anything new but it was frustrating listening to all of it. If you ever have a minute research IVF and see what is involved in doing it. It is such a complicated, time and money consuming thing. I left feeling rather mad that we are at this point in our journey. This is not how babies are suppose to be made. Its suppose to be free... you know in the back seat of the car kind of deal!

Jeff and I are still deciding on whether this is the path for us. There are a lot of factors to consider. There is funding available but it seems that it wouldn't be fully funded just partial. Also, the ethics of IVF are to be considered. And of course the time and strain put on my body. We figure we will go as far as God allows. So right now I have a Pelvic Ultrasound this afternoon and then we will book an appointment with the doctor to see about funding.

There was a psychologist there last night as well. Again, I kind of knew everything she was saying, but one thing stuck in my mind. She was talking about the grief that infertility patients go through and that many people grieve the loss of the ability to have children easily. That is where I am at. I am so MAD that this is what we have come to. I am so MAD that we can't just have sex and 9 months later have a baby. When I hear of people who got pregnant by "oops" or tried for a couple months and then got pregnant I just want to scream! Why can't that be us! It isn't fair.

And I'm not mad at God. We live in a fallen world. Our (being all of humanity) sin has caused the suffering. I am just mad at the circumstance we are in. If it weren't for God, I don't think I would be able to cope with this at all.

So anyways, sorry again that there hasn't been regular updates. I don't even know if people come by to check this blog anymore, but it does help me get out all of my feelings.

Shannon

Preparing The Field

I just finished watching the movie "Facing the Giants" for the fourth time! Every time it comes on tv I am drawn to it. I guess because it matches our lives so perfectly. Every time I watch it something new stands out to me and this time it was this quote:

“The Lord will send the rain. You need to prepare your field to receive it.”

I need to prepare my life to accept God's blessings. And that doesn't necessarily mean that he will send a baby... I pray that he will... but that any blessing he is wanting to send I must first prepare myself for it.

So often we pray for something and then sit around and wait for the answer. Instead of that we must pray believing. If we pray for rain we must prepare the fields in anticipation of it.

I truly believe that God will send a child into our lives at some point. Maybe it will be our own flesh and blood, adopted or even a child that has a home but needs someone to love them. I must prepare my body, my house, my life, my heart for that child. All these years that we have been waiting I could have been getting ready!

Anyways, that was my thought this morning. It gives me hope and something to work on as we wait.

Shannon

Back in the game... sadly

Well, last week was the first time in a long time that I became depressed over not having a baby.

We were at officers retreat and a friend of mine had a baby shower while we were there. I am excited for them, but at the same time it is difficult. I feel horribly selfish and stupid. I was contemplating not going (she would have understood) but decided that it would be fine and I was making too much of an issue out of it, but it really did me in. And I hate that I let it get to me. It wasn't even so much seeing my friend with her cute pregnant belly... it was the fact that every women in that room (who was married) had a child. They were all talking about their pregnancies and baby tips and what they read to their child at bed time. It sucks not being able to join into those conversations.

After that the rest of the day and night was nothing but tears. I couldn't sleep I just kept thinking how unfair it was that I may never experience that. I was glad that I had brought one of my infertility books. It gave me comfort to read it and realise that there are people who understand. I ended up getting up at 4:30am and going to the lobby to read.

The book that I am re-reading has so much information in it. Every word I read I feel like all my weird feelings are normal. Did you know that "infertility patients are second only to Cancer patients in terms of what they will endure for a cure?" And that "women with infertility had levels of emotional distress equal to those of patients with cancer or heart disease. For every failed attempt to conceive, couples experience grief for what could have been. As this is repeated month after month, sometimes for years, it becomes chronic grief." THAT'S ME! How sad is that.

Anyways, you may be hearing from me a little more now. This book has helped me put to words a lot of my feelings.

Until then,

Shannon