Well, last week was the first time in a long time that I became depressed over not having a baby.
We were at officers retreat and a friend of mine had a baby shower while we were there. I am excited for them, but at the same time it is difficult. I feel horribly selfish and stupid. I was contemplating not going (she would have understood) but decided that it would be fine and I was making too much of an issue out of it, but it really did me in. And I hate that I let it get to me. It wasn't even so much seeing my friend with her cute pregnant belly... it was the fact that every women in that room (who was married) had a child. They were all talking about their pregnancies and baby tips and what they read to their child at bed time. It sucks not being able to join into those conversations.
After that the rest of the day and night was nothing but tears. I couldn't sleep I just kept thinking how unfair it was that I may never experience that. I was glad that I had brought one of my infertility books. It gave me comfort to read it and realise that there are people who understand. I ended up getting up at 4:30am and going to the lobby to read.
The book that I am re-reading has so much information in it. Every word I read I feel like all my weird feelings are normal. Did you know that "infertility patients are second only to Cancer patients in terms of what they will endure for a cure?" And that "women with infertility had levels of emotional distress equal to those of patients with cancer or heart disease. For every failed attempt to conceive, couples experience grief for what could have been. As this is repeated month after month, sometimes for years, it becomes chronic grief." THAT'S ME! How sad is that.
Anyways, you may be hearing from me a little more now. This book has helped me put to words a lot of my feelings.
Until then,
Shannon
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3 comments:
I understand about the baby shower...I myself skipped a few for that very reason!
Love you.
Thanks for sharing Shannon. As you know I am in my own state of grief right now, and to read of how that is really a monthly experience for you is devastating. I feel like I am walking through the last last 4 days in a daze, only half aware of the world around me while the other half is wanting to be in denial of life at all. Know that we pray for you regularly and believe that as the Psalms of ascent say, we watch with hope for the morning to come, as the watchman waits for morning. We KNOW that our God will come and carry us out of our suffering, so we will watch hopefully for that time.
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