I promised in my last post to tell you about seeing those two beautiful lines on a pregnancy test and I really want to be able to document our story here so even though we know the ending came far to soon I still want to share the joy we had over finding out we were pregnant.
This is the post I had started writing but didn't get a chance to post...
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So here's the continuing story of our journey to seeing two lines!
*note: There may be TMI (Too much information) ahead!!
We arrived home from Vancouver on June 21st. The first few days back I was still taking it easy as I wasn't out of the woods for getting OHSS. I felt fine, and could no longer feel my ovaries, but that didn't mean that they weren't still enlarged. As well HCG, the pregnancy hormone, is what starts OHSS so if I did end up getting pregnant I had a higher chance of getting it. So I took it easy, which is hard when you feel fine and want to get back into life!
On Saturday, June 23rd I decided I would take a HPT (home pregnancy test) fully expecting to see a negative since I was only 10dpo (days past ovulation). I waited about 1 minute and saw the control line pop up and no second line so I threw it away. Later on I took it out of the trash and saw a VERY faint line. I thought it was an evaporation line and so threw it away again.
On Sunday I took another test and did the same thing... waited a minute or so, saw the control line pop up and no other line, decided it was negative and threw it out. I went to church that morning feeling slightly discouraged, but not too bad since it was still really early to see a positive. After church I started to get a little worried because I felt I had overdone it and was now getting really bad cramps. On the way home I told Jeff that I felt like AF (Aunt Flow aka. Period) was coming since my cramps were getting really bad and was starting to go into my back. Sure enough when I got home and used the bathroom there was blood when I wiped. Immediately I knew in my heart that we were out of the game. Jeff asked if it could be implantation bleeding (about 30% of women get this when the embryo burrows into the lining of the uterus) and my head said it could be, but for some reason my heart said it wasn't. I went out to the living room and started to pray.
All through this journey Jeff and I have been praying that God's will be done. We do not want a child outside of His will. If that means that we never get pregnant, that we go through all of this and spend tons of money and not get a positive then so be it. On that Sunday when I thought everything was over I felt a peace from God even though I was heartbroken. A couple hours later I needed to take my progesterone suppository. I knew that if the applicator had lots of red blood (fresh blood) on it then it was over. So before inserting it I prayed earnestly... "Lord if you want these two babies then take them. They have always been and always will be yours first, mine second." Well, praise the Lord the applicator was basically clean!! In that moment I knew that God had tested me. I knew that he was testing my prayers... it felt like an Abraham and Isaac moment (if you don't know that story check our Genesis 22:1-18). I knew then in that moment that we were pregnant.
On Tuesday I decided I would take another HPT in the morning. I thought for sure it would be positive because of Sunday's amazing turnout. Well, once again I waited until the control line popped up and when no second line appeared I threw it away and walked away wondering what was going on. I was in the living room praying when I felt that I should go take another look at the test. Well, low and behold there was a second line! It was fairly faint but it was there! I wasn't excited though because it was now 20 minutes past the window of time that you are suppose to read the results. I was a little worried it was an evaporation line. I decided to take another one at lunch time but as the morning progressed I felt more and more confident that I had seen for the first time in 8 years of TTC a positive pregnancy test.
At this point I hadn't told Jeff about any of the tests I had taken. I wanted to be able to surprise him. Sometime in the first few months of TTC I had bought a tiny little coke glass for Jeff planning on using that to tell him we were pregnant. I have had it wrapped and sitting in my nightstand ever since. I went home at lunch and took another test and this time watched the second line appear in the allotted time. I was so happy to see that second line! I wrapped it up and put it in the bag with the tiny coke glass and put it on the computer desk for Jeff to find when he came home. Jeff came home at supper time and went straight to the office. I went in behind him to see his reaction. He opened the bag up and looked inside and asked "Is it positive?" I laughed and said well it would be pretty silly to wrap a negative test! lol!
We were both really happy and excited to finally be at this point in our infertility journey. We decided to go out for supper to celebrate. It was so great to be able to talk about our little ones knowing they had decided to snuggle in. We talked about the future and what it would be like to have two if they both had implanted. I couldn't stop touching my belly knowing that my little ones were there.
The next day we decided to tell our family and close friends. We took pictures of me holding the pregnancy test in front of a T-shirt Jeff had bought me that said 'Finally". Here's the picture...
We sent the picture to our parents and friends... it was fun to be able to tell them that we had good news. No one was expecting the news until the next week when I would have my beta test (blood test for pregnancy). We had planned it that way so that we could have at least a little surprise like a normal couple would.
The next day we announced it on Facebook... a decision that we thought and prayed about long and hard. I couldn't make up my mind... do we share now or wait until we are out of the first trimester? We decided that all through our journey of infertility and adoption loss we have been honest and open about our lives. Because of that we have met new friends, have had people pray for us from all over the world and people have become invested in our lives. For that reason we knew we had to share our good news with the world. We owed it to the people who love us to celebrate with us the miracle of our little babies and we knew that if anything happened and our little ones were taken too soon we would need to rely on the strength and prayers from our friends. I was so nervous when I pressed the "post" button, but the moment the first comment came in I knew we had made the right decision.
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Our first Beta test came back at 301 on Friday. It was a great first number and we were so happy. Unfortunately on Sunday I had more bleeding again. It was just spotting but scary none the less. I knew though that spotting can be very normal in early pregnancy and as long as there were no cramps we were probably okay. I took the afternoon and evening easy and thankfully the spotting was gone by that night. The next day I went shopping with my sister-in-law for a couple hours and again the spotting started up. I decided then that I should probably take it easy as it seemed that I only had bleeding when I was on my feet for a while.
I had my second Beta test done on that Thursday. That day I had more bleeding... but this time it was a little more than just spotting. I called the clinic sure that I was miscarrying and they told me that my Beta from that morning wasn't great. Your beta numbers should double every 48-72 hours. Ours had only gone up to 898... that meant it had a doubling time of 91 hours. We still had hope though that maybe one of our children was still holding on and we had lost a twin. While we were sad to even think of losing one of them we hoped and prayed that we would have one healthy baby. The bleeding stopped again by that night after I rested for the rest of the afternoon and evening.
After that day I put myself on bedrest and for four days I had no bleeding. My symptoms were starting to increase and I was feeling a little more pregnant. I was getting hopeful that our next Beta would show the appropriate doubling but at the same time was preparing myself for the worse.
I had my 3rd Beta done on Monday. The next day we had a meeting at the church that I had to go to. While we were sitting at the meeting I felt a little wet and went to the washroom. I was devastated... I was bleeding... not spotting. The toilet water was red. I went back out to the meeting and told Jeff with my eyes and a little shake of my head that things weren't good. We made it through the meeting and went home. I thought for sure that was it... it was over. I ate lunch and not ten minutes later it came back up... I thought this was a good sign! Nausea is a good pregnancy symptom! But I figured when the nurses called later with my results they would say that they hadn't risen but dropped. Well to my surprise they did rise! But, they still didn't double like they should have. They went from 898 to 1710 in 4 days. The nurse held out hope that maybe my betas just weren't going to double like normal and that there are women who go on to have healthy babies after having slow doubling betas. My bleeding had slowed down and I wasn't having cramps so we thought once again that being on my feet had brought on the bleeding. So I went back to bed and stayed there.
On Thursday, July 12th I had another Beta. I went to the hospital had the blood test and came home. I was feeling fine and hadn't had any bleeding since Tuesdays scare. By lunch time I was having cramps but put them off to gas. That afternoon I went to my sis-in-laws house and picked up a couple items at Walmart. I took it easy the whole way, walking slow like I would at home. As the afternoon progressed my "gas" pains were getting a little worse. By the time I got home they were starting to feel more and more like period cramps. At supper time I went to the washroom and passed a large clot. I knew then that I was miscarrying. I didn't want to believe it. I went and laid on my bed with Jeff and realised that my cramps were coming and going... like contractions. We timed them... and sure enough every five minutes they came. I was devastated but numb. I knew this was it... my babies were dead and my body was trying to get rid of them.
The contractions were intense... hard to describe. They were painful but bearable. I didn't want to take any medication... just in case I was wrong. I got in the bath and that helped a little. Thankfully that night I slept. I woke in the morning not wanting to go to the washroom for fear of what I would find. Sure enough, the moment I stood I could feel the contractions and when I went to the washroom there was blood and lots of clots. I called the clinic to let them know what was happening and they called back at 9:00am. They confirmed what I already knew... I was indeed miscarrying. My beta level had dropped to 221.
That day was a blur. That weekend was a blur actually. I was feeling okay and other than a few tears here and there I was able to carry on. The contractions were still coming on strong and pain meds weren't taking them away. By Monday they had stopped and I was only bleeding lightly. I had another Beta test that day which came back at 20. I was happy that my levels were dropping quickly and it looked like I would miscarry everything naturally and wouldn't need any medical intervention.
Tuesday was the day that I finally grieved. Jeff had left for work and was going to go in later in the morning. As I was getting ready in the bathroom the dam finally let loose and I sank to my knees and cried. My heart broke into a million pieces as I finally realised what had happened. I couldn't stop crying. I went to work but had to come home... my tears wouldn't stop. I was overwhelmed by sadness. I was terrified of the future. Would God take my other 5 little babies? Would I have to go through this all over again? Would I have to lose them all? Maybe we are meant to be childless?
I struggled all that day. I wasn't mad at God for taking them... I meant it when I prayed that he could take them since they are HIS first. I was worried however that I wouldn't be strong enough for the journey he had planned for us. When it comes to us having a family we have had so many struggles and loses. Could I really make it through more??
By the next day I was feeling better. I had prayed and grieved and while I was still incredibly sad I could feel already God's strength coming through. That week was difficult... I desperately wanted my babies back. But each day I grew stronger and each day I could feel my heart healing.
And here we are today... here I sit with an empty womb, a heavy heart and tears in my eyes. BUT, I also sit here with knowledge that my children are sitting in the arms of Jesus, they have met my Nan I'm sure and she is taking good care of them and loving them for me. I also sit here feeling peace and strength from God and his arms of comfort around me. It's been just over two weeks and I am amazed and so thankful for the healing he has brought me in such a short time. I know that it is because we prayed from the beginning that if this was to be the outcome that he would give us the strength to deal with it... and of course he has come through for us as always.
I can't thank you all enough for your prayers and encouragement. I'm sad that we have had to depend on those prayers so many times in our journey but so incredibly thankful that we have so many people behind us lifting us up when we are at our lowest. From the bottom of my heart... Thanks.
And to my sweet little ones... I miss you. I only had you for a few short weeks but in that time you gave me my greatest dream... to be a mom. I may not ever get to hear you say "mommy" on this earth but I know that someday when we are reunited in heaven I will get to hug you and hear your sweet voices. I love you!
Love your Mom.
