Grief

It amazes me how much I still mourn for "our" little boy.  I find myself every once in a while thinking about how different our lives would have been.  Right now we are at a conference in Ontario and this morning during our worship service while I should be listening to the speaker  all I could think of was how if we had him he would most likely be staying with Jeff's parents and we would be checking in to see if he was doing okay being away from us. I'd have a picture in my wallet that I could stare at and marvel at and of course proudly pass around.  I'd get the chance to bring him to Ottawa with us and introduce him to his Aunt and Uncle and cousins.  I'd also be able to bring him shopping at Toys-R-us and spoil him since you can't buy anything decent in the North!  Instead, I have no picture to show, no phone calls to hear his voice, no grandson, nephew, cousin to add to the family, and no chance at seeing a little boys eyes light up in the toy store.  All I have is a dull pain in my heart that just doesn't seem to want to go away.  It just feels like as time passes instead of feeling better I just feel more and more jypped from the life I've been wanting for so long.  I know there are people out there who have gone through far worse than us, have had a child pass away unexpectedly, have only held them in their arms for a few short seconds before they were "taken away" from them.  These people seem to move on (or do they??) so why is it that I still find myself thinking of a "son" that was never really ours?  I wonder, is it not really about him as much as it was about being a mom?  Maybe I'm grieving what could have been?  I don't know... but I hope some day I can finally move on and not have it keep popping up on me... when I should instead be thinking about what the preacher is saying!