Doctor's Visit

We finally got the results back from the testing we had done.  Turns out everything is still okay with my hormone levels, thyroid etc.. but Jeff's sperm count is still low.  On a good note the morphology was normal (it never has been before).  We will continue on the vitamins until February when he will get another test and if we still see no improvement we will stop taking them.

The good part of the doctors visit was talking to the doctor about adoption.  Last time we were there we had asked if it would be possible to leave our profile with the main office in case a pregnant women comes into the clinic and mentions she would like to put the child up for adoption.  Then the doctor can give her our information and she can contact us directly.  When we saw the doctor this time he asked us how that was going and said that he will be sure to talk to all the doctors he knows (including the one that delivers most of the babies here in Whitehorse) and tell them about us and that we would like to adopt.  I think at the moment this is our best chance at building a family.  Now we just need to get a profile made up.

I also received a call from our social worker.  She was just checking up on us and making sure we were doing okay.  She was just as shocked and angry that the last adoption fell through.  She said that as she was looking through our file she noticed the "family" picture we had sent her and she just couldn't believe that it ended the way it did.  He really did fit our family so well.  I was hoping when she called that she would have some good news about a possible child, but unfortunately there is nothing on the horizon at the moment and quite frankly she doesn't see anything happening anytime soon.

I think that's about all for now.  We are in the midst of a busy Christmas season plus home renovations so things have been quite hectic.  Hopefully in a couple weeks we will be able to slow down and enjoy the holidays!

Merry Christmas!

Random Thoughts

It's 3:30 am and I'm wide awake.  For some reason I've been really bothered again about the little boy we were going to adopt.  I think it's because Christmas is here and I had dreamed about finally sharing Christmas with a child. 

It's funny how you judge time by holidays.  Every year I think to myself, "this will be the last Christmas we celebrate alone... for sure by next year we will have a child."  It's been almost 8 years... sigh.

I've also been thinking about the other little boy we were going to adopt from Zimbabwe.... I think that's been due to the snow.  Back when we were thinking he was going to be coming here I remember thinking about what it would be like for him to see snow and how cold he would be.  It would have been fun to see his face on the first day he got to play in it though. 

We haven't heard anything from Social Services about any potential children.  We had heard there was a little boy who might be available sometime before Christmas but so far nothing else has been said. 

I go on Monday to have blood taken to make sure things are still okay with me and that I'm ovulating.  I was a little worried, as the last couple months I hadn't detected ovulation, but this month I got a positive test.  So that made me feel a little better.  Once I have the test done I'll make a doctors appointment to get the results, as well as the results of Jeff's Semen Analysis.  I'm praying that his numbers have improved a little with the vitamins he's been taking.

Testing again...

We went to the doctor a couple days ago and had GREAT news!  Since we've been taking these vitamins and doing a few extra things to increase our chances of getting pregnant I thought it would be good for Jeff to have another semen analysis while we are in Calgary in January.  So we went to see our Doctor and asked him to get us an appointment.  Thankfully we found out we can do the test here in Whitehorse!  YAY!  Thats awesome because now we can have the test done a few times to get an accurant picture.  I will also be getting tests done (ones I've had done before) to make sure things are still okay with me.  As well, we found out that they do IUI's here and so if Jeff's count goes up we will probably do a few of those.  I can't believe that we are back to all this testing again! lol!  I thought those days were over!

Busy, Busy!

I guess it's time for another update...

The last few weeks have been really busy for us, especially with work. There is a lot going on and still lots to do. In a few short weeks we will also be heading into the Christmas season and while I enjoy it I'm not looking forward to the stress of finding enough volunteers to stand at the kettles.

This past weekend was also interesting. Until today I really thought I was pregnant. :o( I was 4 days late, had a ton of symptoms (and several I've never had before) and really thought this was our time. But of course that didn't work out. It's so disappointing, but on we go to another month of trying.

Jeff and I have been talking about how any day we may get a call saying that there is a child waiting for us. Ever since our little boy went to his new parents I keep thinking how exciting it must have been for them... from the first phone call to when he went to live with them was about 2 weeks! I can't imagine how exciting that would be! I hope our chance will happen sometime sooner rather than later.

October 21st - A Date we will Always Remember

I've been finding it hard to concentrate... there is a huge lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach as I try to forget what today is...

October 21st is not only our little boys 2nd birthday, but he is also going to his adoptive home today. As happy as I am that he is starting his life with his forever family and especially on his birthday (what a great gift for him and story for the future) I just can't stop thinking that Jeff and I were suppose to be sharing in this day. If he were here with us today we would have been celebrating with him his 2nd birthday. We would get to give him a big hug, see him blow out his 2 candles and watch his eyes light up when we gave him his gifts. I had dreamed about this day... and spending it working was not what I had dreamed of.

Part of me is glad that this day is here though... I am praying that now I can really begin to heal. This date has been looming in my mind and once its over I pray that I can finally start to move on and realise that obviously he was not meant to be ours....he was meant to be theirs. :o(

You know the adoptive parents will probably never know about us and how close we were to getting him. They will never know that in the north a family grieves on the day they rejoice. They won't know that he was first loved by us and that he will always be "ours".

What I am sure they DO know however is that they finally have the child they prayed for and will love for the rest of their lives. They know that God has truly blessed them with an amazing, beautiful little boy. And I pray that as these days progress and they begin to mold together as a family they will always appreciate the gift they have been given and never take it for granted.

Today though is not just the day we grieve... it is also the day the foster family grieves. I can't imagine the turmoil that they are going through. To have such conflicting emotions... sad that he is leaving, happy that he is going to a great home. Joanna, I'm not sure if you read my blog, but I want to let you know that we are praying for you and your family and we will forever be grateful to you for journeying with us and fighting for us. We may not have got the ending we wished for, but at least we got to know each other. :o)

To my little boy... We will always love you.

The Package Has Arrived!

We had a great time in Juneau... even though the weather didn't cooperate. I think the glacier was the best part... it's so beautiful and interesting. It was also cool seeing the salmon swimming upstream. I would recommend for people to visit there... well worth the time and money. I can only imagine what it would have been like if we had all sunny warm days!

When we got back from Juneau we got the package I was waiting for in the mail. We ordered lots of stuff that we are hoping will really increase our chances of getting pregnant. We got everything from early-pregnancy-tests.com. If you are TTC I HIGHLY recommend this site. The shipping is free over $15.00 (even to Canada) and its fast... well it is when it doesn't have to come to the North! As well, the ovulation and pregnancy tests are a LOT cheaper then at the store.

So here's the list...

FertilAid for Men - "A fertility enhancing supplement designed specifically for trying-to-conceive men. Clinically demonstrated to increase sperm count and improve sperm quality and motility, FertilAid for Men contains a proprietary blend of key antioxidants, vitamins, and minerals – as well as the amino acid L-Carnitine."

CountBoost for Men - "CountBoost for Men is a companion product to FertilAid for Men designed specifically for men with a low sperm count. Doctor-designed CountBoost provides an additional dose of the specific vitamins, minerals, and amino acids that have been scientifically demonstrated to increase the total number of sperm a man produces."

MotilityBoost for Men - "MotilityBoost for Men is a companion product to FertilAid for Men designed specifically for men with low sperm motility. Doctor-designed MotilityBoost provides an additional dose of the specific vitamins, minerals, and amino acids that have been scientifically demonstrated to positively impact sperm motility"

FertilAid for Women - "formula of essential vitamins, minerals, and key antioxidants to promote hormonal balance, improve reproductive health, and increase your chances of conceiving."

FertileCM for Women - "designed to increase fertility by supporting the production of "fertile-quality" cervical mucus - and by promoting endometrial secretions that build the uterine lining for implantation of the fertilized egg. In addition, key ingredients in FertileCM have also been clinically demonstrated to support female arousal and sexual stimulation." - Kind of like that last point! lol!

We also ordered pre-seed and softcups... but I'll let you go to the link for a description since I'm sure not everyone would like to know! lol!
http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/softcup.html
http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/preseed-multi-use.html

As well we ordered a whole bunch of ovulation test strips since I will also be using my fertile-focus monitor (that I bought several years ago) which tells you if you are ovulating by looking at your saliva.
http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/saliva-ovulation-test.html

So there you have it... our arsenal of fertility boosting aids. We are really praying that these things will work. I've done TONS of research on them and the success stories are encouraging. As well, Jeff took FertilAid for Men a couple years ago and we saw within just a couple months a boost in his count and motility. So we are hoping it will happen again but even more so. Say a prayer for us! :o)

We're heading to Juneau!

We are really excited to be heading to Juneau Alaska on the weekend. This is the weekend that we were hoping on bringing our boy home and so Jeff and I decided we would take the weekend off and be alone together without any responsibilities... pretty sure our head and hearts wouldn't be in anything anyways.

We also returned things to the store today... that was hard. I was fine until she took the car seat out of my hands. We bought the car seat first for Anesu and then kept it hoping we would use it for this little boy so it held a lot of emotion for us. I was proud of myself though, I made it through with no tears, just a heavy heart. :o(

So, now his room is looking much more bare, though we have still kept a few things that we hope we will one day get to use. I've also kept a little stuffed animal I bought for him... I figure it will be something that will remind me of him in years to come. I'll pack it all away for now though.

On the TTC front we still haven't received the package of goodies we ordered. I'm really hoping it will be here before the week is out. When we ordered from this company before (when we were in High River) it only took a few days... mail takes FOREVER up here in the North.

Well that's an update for now. I'll let you know how our trip went when we get back.

Pet Peeves

*Disclaimer* In no way am I trying to make anyone feel bad through this post and if you have mentioned the pet peeves below to me in the past please do not feel bad... maybe just stay away from saying it in the future! :o) And these are MY pet peeves. Not all people struggling with infertility or who are going through the adoption process would find them as annoying. As well because they are pet peeves it may come off as me being a little "angry" I'm honestly not... I'm just annoyed! lol!

Well as I promised here are my pet peeves...

Pet Peeve #1 - Just Relax
I have had a LOT of people tell me this... from strangers to friends to family. Let me start by saying I know you mean well, I really do, but honestly it doesn't help. I've mentioned this pet peeve in an earlier post(s) because it really gets under my skin. These past two years we have been relaxed... We stopped "trying" meaning we weren't looking at ovulation, I stopped obsessing about getting pregnant and we came to the point where we accepted the fact that we might never build our family that way. Guess what? After all that "relaxing" we're still not pregnant!! So while it may have happened for your friend or a family member... it hasn't happened for us, and each time I hear someone say it, all it does is remind me that yet again someone else has had success getting pregnant while we haven't.

Pet Peeve #2 - Just adopt - It's so easy
I have had numerous people say this to us back before we were in the process to adopt. There are soooo many things wrong with this statement. First and foremost... ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! The word JUST should never be put before the word adopt. Our adoption process has been FAR worse then anything we went through with infertility.
People tend to think that adoption is something that is easy. First, it took us a year to get the courses done and to have our homestudy approved. And that's a quick process compared to what some provinces are like. Second, it could take years before a child is placed with us... or never. Third, if we weren't going through family services it would cost upwards of $10,000 to adopt through a private adoption agency (Tons more if it were international). Fourth, and this is a big one for me... Adopting does not replace the desire to carry a child in your womb and to have a child that is genetically yours. Even after we adopt a child I will still always long to know what it is like to feel a baby kick in my stomach. I will wonder what a child that is half Jeff and half me would look like. Would I love our adopted child any different then a biological child? Not a chance! I believe adoption is just another way that children can come into your home. But that doesn't mean that by adopting all those wants and desires to get pregnant will go away.

Pet Peeve #3 - Just Adopt - TONS of children are waiting
This brings me to my next pet peeve with the statement "Just Adopt". People honestly think there are thousands of children just waiting to go to a good home, and agency's are desperate for adoptive parents. Wrong! Well partly wrong. There are lots of children in foster care but they are either not ready to be adopted yet or have severe mental and pysical disabilities that unfortunately make them hard to be placed with a family (this saddens me greatly). Here in the Yukon on average 2 children get placed per year... meanwhile there are probably 20-30 approved families waiting. In Newfoundland I've been told there is a 10 year waiting list. It takes FOREVER for a child to finally become adoptable through family services. There is a huge process of red tape for the social workers to work through before the parental rights can be taken from the birth parents. Then once they are legally able to be adopted it can take months for family services to go through the process to find the right adoptive home. On top of that not all the children that are ready to be adopted are the right fit for your family. For example, children with FAS would not be a great fit for our family as we do not have a predictable schedule or life and this can cause great stress in a child with FAS. So as I said... "Just" is not a word that should be put in front of adopt.

Pet Peeve #4 - You'll get pregnant if you adopt
Of all my pet peeves this is the one that makes me want to scream. I hate it when people say this to me. First may I say while you may know people who have gotten pregnant after adopting I also know LOTS of people who have adopted and have NOT gotten pregnant. Second, I will NOT use adoption as a means of fertility treatment. Third, a lot of people who did get pregnant while they were adopting were actually still trying to get pregnant and it just so happens whatever they were trying worked... for example a couple I know adopted and then went to have an IUI. When they became pregnant everyone assumed it was because they adopted.
Another thing that irks me about this comment is that when people say that we will get pregnant after we adopt it makes it seem as if the adopted child is not as important as the biological child. When we decided to adopt it wasn't because we felt we had no choice... it was because we felt that it is the right thing to do. Even if I were to get pregnant right now we would still want to adopt.
I think the part that makes me the most mad is that if we do get pregnant when we adopt I don't want anyone taking the credit away from God. I don't want people saying "oh they got pregnant because they adopted". I want people to say "Oh they got pregnant because God decided to give them a child." Make sense?

So there you have it! Four pet peeves of mine... well pet peeves that have to do with the purpose of this blog! I'm sure there are more... if I think of them I'll share them. Enjoy!

We're Doing a Little Better...

Hard to believe it's only been a week since we got the horrific news that we would not be getting our baby boy. It feels like forever ago for some reason.

I was finally able to go in his room last night. It wasn't near as bad as what I thought it would be. I don't know if that's good or not... part of me feels like I've just kind of closed off those emotions... the other part feels like I'm coming to terms with it all and am at peace with it. Maybe its a bit of both? Who knows.

I think part of my feeling better is that Jeff and I have started TTC again. I wasn't going to tell anyone... but that's just not me!! lol! We've decided to take it pretty seriously and have ordered a whole bunch of products that we are hoping will give us a better chance of conceiving. I might go into those at a later date when we've been using them for a while... maybe I'll do a review of them. We are excited yet nervous about venturing onto the fertility roller coaster again. It's been kind of nice this last year and a half not wondering every month if we were pregnant. I know that I am going to be an emotional basket case again... sorry Jeff! :o) But I am excited at the possibility of having a baby.

I think that's it for now... I have a few thoughts and opinions on some things that people have said and pet peeves that I have. I might share that in my next post. Until then...

Thank You!

It never ceases to amaze me the support I get from all my friends and family and even from people I've never met. I am extremely grateful for all the comments, messages and notes telling us that you are thinking about us and praying for us. I've especially been thankful for all the bible verses and reminders that in the midst of all of this God is right here beside us... even when it seems at times he isn't.

I'm feeling a little better now that its been a couple days. I honestly believe that 7 years of disappointments every month has given us the coping skills we need to get through these times. I had my day of crying and now I'm back at work and plugging along trying to forget about everything. I will admit that it's the little things that set me off though. For example, we had to get some groceries today and all of a sudden my heart started racing as I realised I'd have to go past the baby area which is where I bought a TON of stuff. It's easier to ignore the pain in my heart when nothing is around to remind me.

I've had a few people ask if we are going to fight the decision that was made. We explored taking the matter higher up but for every point we had they had a valid answer. We also don't want to get ourselves in trouble with the Yukon Family Services since we are still trying to adopt through them. As for our little boy, they have told us that he shouldn't be in Foster Care for too much longer as they already have some families picked out in Alberta... we are grateful for that.

I can honestly say that I am very skeptical of a system where one person can make such a life changing decision. I agree that policy must be followed... we stress it at our ministry unit all the time... but there comes a point (when other people are involved) where you just slap the hand of the employee and continue on. I really think that is what should have happened in this case.

Well, if there is any lesson we have learned through this it is don't trust any decision until the child is in your arms (and even then with adoption it can be iffy) This is two children now that we have "lost" due to "policy" and "politics". Both of my boys will always be in my heart and I will always remember them.

Thanks again for your support.

How many times can a heart break before it is crushed beyond repair?

I have never been as heartbroken as I am at this moment. I know that I promised some good news... unfortunately the good news I was hoping to share was taken away from us today.

Since February we have been hoping on adopting a 1 year old boy from Alberta. I can't go into many details since this adoption was through Family Services and I must protect the child, but the short story is that the birth father put our names forward as the people he would like to adopt his son. Over the many months since February we have been on a roller coaster of good news and bad news... one moment thinking we would get him, the next thinking we wouldn't.

While we were away in Newfoundland we got a call from Alberta saying that we were chosen as the adoptive family for this child. We were ecstatic. Of course that didn't mean it would actually happen... there would have to be a meeting between the Yukon and Alberta and all the people involved would have to sign off.

While we were in Alberta at the end of August we were allowed to go and visit the foster family and meet our "son". He was so beautiful... I was in love! He was everything we had ever dreamed of. He looks so much like Jeff that I don't think anyone would ever believe that he was adopted! He is such a boy’s boy... rough and tumble. He loves trucks and I don't think there was a moment he didn't have one in his hand. We had a great time getting to know him and getting to know the foster family. Right away we all clicked... it all felt very right.

When we got back to Whitehorse we waited to hear when the big meeting between Alberta and Yukon would be. Finally on September 2nd we got the call that we had been waiting for... they had agreed that we would adopt him!! We were told to start preparing for a toddler in our home! The paperwork would take a while longer since it was an inter-provincial adoption but they were hopeful that we would be able to go and pick him up sometime around October 1st.

I can't describe how excited we were. FINALLY after 7 years of praying for a child our dream was coming true. We started right away preparing his room and buying all the things necessary for an almost 2 year old. I would sit in his room and dream of all the things we would do with him... the places we would take him, the activities we would participate in. I couldn't wait to sit in his room and watch him sleep and to hear him call me mom. I bought a devotional book for children and couldn't wait to have family devotions and teach him about Christ. I had sooooo many dreams...

Unfortunately today our dreams were stripped away. We were waiting on one manager in Alberta to return from vacation to sign off on the papers and when she returned she decided that policy was not followed and put a stop to the adoption. We were hoping and praying that she would have a change of heart but no... today the final decision was made.

I'm so crushed that I honestly don't know how to deal with it... I can't describe to you the pain that is in my heart right now. I honestly feel as if we have had our son ripped from our arms. I just can't believe that after all these months, after all the things we had overcome we are ending HERE.. with my arms empty yet again. sigh...

I have a room now that is filled with all the things we had bought for him... his bed is made, toys are ready to be played with, clothes hanging in the closet. I haven't been able to go in there yet... I just can't imagine having to take it all down and return it all to the store. My dreams are locked in that room at the moment and I honestly don't want to let them go. I don't know when I will be able to... hopefully I get the strength soon.

So, this is what has been happening in our lives this last while. Several people have been asking what’s up... I thought I would let you know. Please pray for us and most importantly please pray for this little boy and that he will go to a GREAT adoptive home where he will be loved and where he will learn about Jesus. I pray that God will protect this child and give him the family he deserves to have.

Shannon

We're back!

Just a short post to say I'm still here... We were away on holidays but we are back now. We had a great time in Newfoundland with my family. Steve, Christina and the kids were home for a week as well so it was great to get the whole family together. It was also great spending almost every day at Mom and Dad's cabin on the lake... what a life! After Newfoundland we headed to Alberta for Officers Camp and while there got to see friends we had left behind when we moved. We had a GREAT visit with everyone but we were glad to get back home to our own bed.

That's all I have time for now, hopefully I will get a chance to post sometime soon about some exciting things that have been happening... until then keep coming back to check for an update!

Shannon

We're Paper Pregnant!

I've been waiting several years to use this term! Ever since we first thought about adoption I always grieved the fact that we would never get to be pregnant. Then one day on a forum a lady said that she was paper pregnant... I thought it was the greatest thing! I finally get to say that we're "pregnant"! We just don't know exactly how long the "pregnancy" will be! lol!

Just so you know, Paper Pregnant means that our homestudy is finally complete. The adoption coordinator signed off on it this week and we are officially on the list to adopt a child. That means that if any children become available our social worker will put our names forward and if our profile is a good match for the child we could potentially adopt him/her. It's pretty exciting!

The other good thing about having our homestudy complete is that now we can begin doing our own searching. We are going to send our profile to the doctors offices in town and are also hoping to get a web page of our profile so that people like YOU can refer potential birth moms to check us out. This will take a while of course, but it's exciting to know that we can start working on it! As soon as it's up and running I will be sure to post the link.

EXCITING!! :o)

Heartbroken... again

I've said before that this adoption has been like a roller coaster... well the ride has unfortunately come to a stop. :o(

Jeff and I have decided, through much prayer, that as of now (unless something drastic changes) we will not be adopting Anesu. As you can imagine we are heartbroken over this decision and we definitely did not come to this conclusion lightly. We met with the adoption coordinator last week and after getting from her a couple pieces of bad news (to add to the other's we already knew) we decided the risk of things not working out, after pouring in LOTS of money, was just too great.

Jeff and I really want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers and for helping us with money. It was such a blessing to see how many people are behind us and really want to see us complete our family.

Shannon

We have a plan...

Well, what a journey adoption has been so far! Because this adoption is so out of the ordinary it's made it really difficult to get all the answers we needed. I have phoned what feels like a ton of people in Immigration, Service Canada, our local government and our Family Services to which I kept getting the same pat answer "It all sounds great.. what a nice thing your doing!" Well that doesn't help me people! lol!

Finally, through a friend of ours, we discovered that the plan we had in place would not work and that it was actually illegal. The illegal part being that we were bringing him to Canada with the intent to adopt and that I guess is not allowed. We finally decided we would go to a lawyer ourselves to get all the information we needed. We met with the lawyer, explained our situation and she promised she would find out the answers.

Well the next day we get a call from our Social Worker saying that the lawyer had contacted the Adoption Coordinator about the adoption (the lawyer was looking for information) which had brought our case to her attention. The Adoption Coordinator called our Social Worker to see why we were going through a lawyer when family services would be able to give us all the answers we needed and as well would help us get everything done!! I must say I was a little annoyed at the thought that we could have skipped a whole lot of time if, when we brought this to Family Services attention back in March, they had told us this.

But here we are, and however long it took to get the answers we needed we at least know now what the process has to be. So here it is...

Jeff and I will begin the paperwork to sponsor Anesu with the intent to adopt him once he is here in Canada. There is an actual process for this kind of adoption ( which no one told me about when I called immigration... grrrr). The sponsorship takes anywhere from 6-8 months OR up to two years. We are seriously hoping for the 6-8 month time frame. Once Anesu has been sponsored and has his permanent resident card his Aunt will fly over and bring him back here to us. Once he is here we will begin both the adoption process and the citizenship process. Not really sure how long those will take, but I don't really care since he will be here with us then.

The only glitch with this plan is whether Zimbabwe will agree to Anesu coming here to be adopted. They are a hard country to work with so please pray that whatever official makes the decision will have a softened heart.

Another slight problem is the fact that we will probably need to send our friend over to Zimbabwe twice. The first time, this summer, will be to fill out the necessary paperwork and the second time would be to bring him home to us. That puts another financial strain on us, so we are really praying that we can figure out a way to get the money together.

Well, I think that's all the update I have for now. Please keep praying that things work out!

We're Adopting!

We are so excited to announce that we will be adopting a 3 year old little boy from Zimbabwe! :o) His full name when we adopt him will be Anesu Matthew. Anesu means "God with us" and Matthew (the name Jeff and I have chosen for him) means "Gift from God" I think it is a very fitting name! Anesu will hopefully be coming to Canada in mid-July. It has been a whirlwind past couple months but I'm sure it is nothing in comparison to what it will be like with a toddler in our home! lol! Let me give you a little taste of what's been happening...

On March 31st I woke up to find an e-mail in my facebook inbox from a friend of ours who we went to Bible College with in Winnipeg. Busi was an international student from Africa. She had written the e-mail to several friends saying that she had many losses in her family and due to those tragedies was now the legal guardian of 8 kids in total. She went on to say that she had been praying about how to care for these kids, since she was in school doing her masters and so finally made the decision to place 3 of them for adoption.

As I continued to read I believe my heart stopped...

"The youngest from my sister who passed away last year is Anesu a normal 2 year old full of life and so so cute."

As I read that sentence my mind began to spin. Could this be our child? I went immediately to Jeff to see what he thought; should I write her back or not? he said go for it. And so I wrote her saying that we were in the middle of our homestudy and we would be willing to start praying for little Anesu and whether we should be his parents.

Later that day I had a reply that she would call me that night. I was so anxious to get that phone call. Would she want us to be his parents? And if so, what were we getting into! Where was he living... in Africa or in Winnipeg? Was he healthy? I had so many thoughts flying around in my head.

When the phone rang that evening I think I was a little more calm and maybe more "realistic" about the whole thing. I kept thinking that maybe some other people had responded to her e-mail and she wouldn't choose us anyways. But as we talked I realised that she was seriously thinking of placing him with us if we felt God leading us that way. I asked her to send a picture so that we could put a face with the name. We talked a little about the details... Anesu was in Zimbabwe living with her brother. His mother passed away last year and his father has never been in the picture.

We only talked for a few minutes but she promised she would send some pictures and would get her sister in Zimbabwe to find out how an adoption would work. We were hoping that it wouldn't be too complicated since Busi is the legal guardian and lives here in Canada. The hope was that she would be able to go over to Zimbabwe and get Anesu and then bring him back to Whitehorse. That way we can be looking after him while the adoption goes through (which can take a long time).

Later that evening she sent a picture of Anesu... I was in LOVE! He was so gorgeous.

Over the next couple months we talked almost every week. Busi was making so any phone calls and talking to proffesionals trying to figure out all the logistics. I felt so bad that she was doing all the work. Unfortunately because we live in the north our resources are limited. We don't even have an adoption agency here (there is only social services... who we did our homestudy with). Nothing would have happened if it wasn't for Busi's dedication. Every time I got off the phone with her I would thank God for what she was doing for us.

And so here we are with enough of the pieces together that we feel we can FINALLY let people know. Right now the plan is that Busi will leave for Zimbabwe the end of June. While there she will get all the paperwork done that is needed to get him to Canada. Hopefully that won't take too long (we are hoping between 2-3 weeks) and then she will fly him back here to Whitehorse. She will spend a few days with us as we get him adjusted and then fly home to Winnipeg. Over the next couple years we will work on getting him his citizenship and then legally adopt him.

Unfortunately, like everything in life, this all costs money... LOTS of money. We figure we are looking at $8,000-$9,000 for the whole thing. To some people that would seem like pocket change I'm sure, but for Jeff and I it seems pretty large. We don't want to go into debt because it will take FOREVER for us to pay off that kind of money and as well we don't want to start off our life with a child with a huge debt hanging over our heads. So, if you know of any way that we can raise some money to help bring Anesu home please let me know.

It's been such a weird feeling to think that we are going to be parents to this beautiful little boy in the pictures. Every time I look at him I feel like I'm dreaming. Is it really possible that God will give us such a gift? That he will entrust Anesu's happiness and well-being to us? And even more important trust us to raise him to love Christ? It just amazes me!

You know I feel sort of like I'm pregnant. I have all the anticipation of being a mom but still a little of the anxiety that it may not happen. Because this adoption is a little abnormal there is a chance that we may run into legal and immigration problems. My heartbreak from the past 6 years of riding the infertility rollarcoaster has made me very sceptical of anything good happening to us and I find myself wanting to hold back from telling people about Anesu because maybe it isn't going to happen... but I feel like God is telling me to trust. So it really is like being pregnant... you spend 9 months planning for the future, decorating a room, buying all the items you need but there is still a chance that something may happen and that child may never get to come home with you. Well I've decided that we will plan for the future, decorate a bedroom and buy all the items we will need and pray like all parents that we will get to bring our child home.

So you know what the best part is? No matter what happens God is in control. That has given me so much peace these last couple months. Even if the worse happens and we can't get our son I know that he is in God's hands and that in the end it will be okay. Would I be heartbroken? Of course... he's already my child. But God is so amazing that I know it would be okay. That peace can come from no one else... how awesome is that! :o)

Well I'm going to sign off... there is so much going on in my head right now that I just can't get it all written out. Hopefully over the next month and a half I will have time to tell more of the details and to explain my feelings as we prepare to become parents to a toddler. All I ask right now, as always, is for your prayers that everything will fall into place and we will have Anesu Matthew here with us very soon!

Shannon

Walk for Life

I did a speech today for Whitehorse's "Walk for Life". Thought maybe I should add it to the blog...


In 1969 a decision was made that has affected millions of lives. It was this year that Abortion became legal in Canada. Since that date millions of healthy, human beings have been lost at the hands of doctors in the name of “women’s rights” In 2005, the latest year on record, 96,815 abortions were performed on Canadian women. Since 1969 in Canada there have been just over 3 million abortions.

But so what? Those are just numbers… statistics. People would have you think that each of those numbers just represents a clump of cells, a non-living being… but I am here today to tell you that each of those numbers represents a life… a life that was never given the chance to see the light of day. Never given the chance to feel the love of a mothers embrace. Never given the chance to grow up and become all that they could have been. Each of those numbers represents a person, a soul that belonged to God and was loved by God.

Psalm 139 says “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

God has a plan even for the unborn child. He loves them, knows them, and cares for them. The biggest argument around abortion is whether a child in the womb is a person or not. We know from scripture that God believes he is. If you have ever seen an ultrasound of a tiny baby you will know that it is not just a clump of cells… it is a perfect, though somewhat alien looking, human being. Did you know that at 5 weeks the heart begins to beat? By 9 weeks fingerprints are already developed and a child is able to grasp and flex. By 11 weeks nearly all structures and organs are formed and beginning to function. So do you know of any other non-living thing has a heartbeat, arms, legs, eyes, muscles and essentially everything we as adults have? I know I don’t.

So we have all of this information… so what? To a pregnant woman who has found herself in a situation that may seem hopeless what does she do? It is easy for us to say don’t have an abortion, but in her shoes, what options does she have?

Well there are two options. Maybe she stays pregnant, gives birth to a beautiful baby and decides keep her child and raise them and love them and care for them. Or maybe she decides that she can’t give them the life she feels they deserve and so she places them for adoption. Both of these options are scary… they are not easy paths. And we have to understand that.

But Abortion isn’t easy either. Abortion may seem to some people to be the easy way out of a difficult situation, but it isn’t. Not only is it destroying and can I be so bold as to say murdering a human being, but there are risks to the women’s health as well. There are short term health risks, like bleeding and infection, long term risks like infertility and breast cancer, and as well risks for future pregnancy’s including premature births and ectopic pregnancy’s. But I think more than the physical risks, there are great psychological risks. Women who have had abortions are at a greater risk of suffering from anxiety, depression, drug-use, post-traumatic stress disorder just to name a few.

You know, it’s unfortunate that no matter what, a woman with an unwanted pregnancy will have to live with pain, in whatever form either physically or emotionally, no matter the choice she makes. It will not be an easy journey I am sure.

Now you may say, what do I know about the pain? I’ve never been in her shoes. I have never experienced an unwanted pregnancy. But I do know pain, because I have never experienced a WANTED pregnancy. My husband and I have tried for 6 years to start a family with no success. So I may not know the pain and suffering a woman who is considering abortion is going through. But I do know the pain of not being able to carry a child. And something else I know is that, that child is wanted and if not by the birth mom, then by someone else. There are thousands of people out there who would love that child. People like my husband and I who have gone through countless hours of paper work, courses and interviews so that we would be able and equipped to adopt a child.

Everyday that I hear of another Mom who has chosen to abort her baby I cry. I cry at the thought of that perfect child, helpless, without rights whose heart use to beat that didn’t know what was coming; a child that was brought into this world by no fault of their own. I cry when I think of the mom that will have to live with that decision for the rest of her life. I cry for the fathers that may not have wanted the child to be aborted, fathers who also have no rights when it comes to abortion. And, selfishly maybe, I think of people like us, who would do anything to have that child in our wombs, to protect them to love them and care for them.

I pray today that if you are pregnant and you are considering having an abortion please, just think about it a little longer. Do your research. Talk to someone you trust. Don’t go into such a life changing, a life ending decision without knowing all the facts.

And maybe today there is someone who has had an abortion. Maybe you are regretting that decision. Please know you are loved! God loves you, and we love you in Christ. And there is help out there for you. You will see on the signs today a number that you can call and receive guidance and help. As well, if you have a pastor feel free to talk with them. But the important thing is to talk to someone… find the emotional help you need.

I hope today that all of us here will understand the pain that is involved with abortions. That abortion is not a solution, but that the women who are faced with it may need our help, guidance and love. I pray that people will see, that Canada will see, that these tiny perfect lives are people who need protecting. Thank-you!

We are rounding the bend...

This week we had our 5th homestudy meeting and were told that next Monday should be our last one! YAY! We've only been meeting for 2 months so we were quite shocked to hear that we were almost done considering we were told in the beginning that it could take 4-6 months. We are that much closer to bringing our child home! :o) I'm Happy!

As well, Jeff had his X-ray today and we will find out the results by early next week. He is doing really well and is now able to walk with just one crutch. I can't believe how fast the time has gone (although he may disagree!). It will be nice to have him back at the office. I hate not having him around... I'm use to spending most of everyday with him!

God is good!

It's funny how fast your plans can change!

Note: This entry is going to be long... very long! As much as I wanted to share with you what has happened with Jeff, I also wanted to document the events so years from now we can come back and read it. This blog tends to be like a journal for me, so it may be a little wordy and have facts that you might not really care about!

On Wednesday March 10th, Jeff was walking back to the office after dropping off the van at the service station for 1:00pm when he slipped on some ice and fell hard on his left hip. Luckily there was a couple driving by that saw him fall and stopped to help. He managed to pull himself to a bench, but when the couple said they would drive him to the office, he couldn't stand. After a few tries the couple said they had better call an ambulance. So, the ambulance came and brought him to the emergency room.

I got a phone call at 2:30pm from a nurse saying that he had fallen and hurt his hip, and so I rushed out the door (I was staying home that day to write my sermon, so I hadn't showered or put on anything other than my sweatshirt and old jeans). I got to the hospital and saw Jeff lying on a stretcher waiting to go in for X-rays. I must say, on my way to the hospital I was kind of thinking, "what a wuss! I'm sure its just bruised!" lol! As soon as I saw him though I knew it was broken. He was having muscle spasms and each time he would grab the bars of the bed and wince at the pain. I've never seen him in so much pain. It was hard to watch. I knew it was broken because a lady from our previous church broke her hip and she had made the exact same sounds and facial expressions when a muscle spasm hit her.

Jeff was wheeled in for x-rays and although I couldn't be in there with him, I could hear him. He says on a scale from 1-10 (and this is the scale the doctors used to assess his pain) the x-ray was an 11. After waiting for about half-hour, he was wheeled out to a room to wait for the doctor. It wasn't too long before they came in and said it was a bad break and that he would have to be airlifted to Vancouver for the surgery. I was in shock! The nurse said that I would be able to fly with him, and that I should rush home and get a bag packed for him and me and be back ASAP as she wasn't sure when the plane would be ready for him.

So off I run, calling people as I was going. Luckily I only live about 2 minutes from the hospital, so I got home quick. I started throwing things in a bag and calling to cancel meetings, talk to DHQ, get Jeff's sister to look after the animals, and letting our shelter manager know so she could look after the office while we were away. It was so hectic and rushed. I had no idea how long we were going to be gone, and I didn't know what I needed to bring. I ended up packing just one change of clothes for me and the bare necessities.

I rushed back to the hospital and waited there for a while until the paramedics came to get him prepared to fly. I began thinking that I didn't pack enough. Luckily, the paramedic told me I should bring Jeff's boots and coat home as he wouldn't need them in Vancouver. So I rushed home again and packed another bag, giving myself three days worth of clothing.

When I returned to the hospital, Jeff was still being looked after by the paramedics, he had to have a catheter, and IV and they did a marvelous job of tying his legs and feet together and then wrapping a blanket tightly around his hips which for the first time since falling gave him relief from the spasms. He said that the moment they did that his pain went from a 10 to a 1. I was so thankful for the paramedics... they were awesome!

By the time he was all strapped in and ready to be airlifted out it was 6:00pm. they wheeled him out to the ambulance and I got to sit in the front seat. They told me as we were driving to the airport that I could fly down with Jeff, but I may not be able to fly back with him. I didn't care... I would do whatever I could to be there with him.

The airport is only a few minutes drive from the hospital and by the time they got us loaded onto the airplane and we were lifting off it was 6:30pm. I must say, if the circumstances had been better, it would have been a really neat experience. It was just a tiny plane, 3 seats (two paramedics and myself) Jeff on a stretcher, and the pilot and co-pilot. People ask me how big the plane was, I respond by saying "you know it's small when the pilot can lean back and talk to you!" The flight was 3 hours, and it was during that time, when I finally had time to think, that I realised what had happened. I couldn't believe I was on an airplane being flown to Vancouver so my husband could have surgery! It just seemed crazy to me. I had no idea where I would stay or how long we would be there. I didn't know what kind of surgery he would have, or how long the recovery time would be. I didn't know if he would come home after surgery, and I wondered if he did come home how would I manage looking after him, my job, and his job. I thought of the million and one things that would need to be done while we were away and wrote a note of people to call and meetings to cancel. I also realised then that I must have looked horrible, since I hadn't showered, or done anything with my hair that day. As well, I hadn't eaten that day other than a light breakfast, so my stomach kept grumbling. I was a mess! I actually think Jeff had a better flight then I did. His pain was almost nil thanks to the paramedics and he slept the whole way. He said it was the best flight he ever had!

We arrived in Vancouver at 9:30pm and was met by another ambulance. The paramedics said that I could use my cell phone now that we had landed, but of course, I forgot to turn it off before take-off and it had run out of battery power from "roaming". I couldn't believe it. Now I'm stuck in Vancouver, and I can't call anyone, like Jeff's parents and my parents to let them know how he was (I had only been able to leave messages while I was rushing around to get ready in Whitehorse.)

Once Jeff was loaded into the ambulance we took the 20 minute trip to the Vancouver General Hospital (VGH). He went into emergency and it was a flurry of activity there. They were concerned about his temperature and his heart was beating way to fast. They were giving him pain killers, more X-rays (which he was not happy about... they HURT!) and taking his vitals. Then, the worst part, they unwrapped him. The moment they did that he went right back to having muscle spasms and right back to cringing and barely breathing. It was frustrating to see. Thankfully the Doctor came in (eventually) to put a splint on him, which helped with the spasms, but didn't help with the pressure of lying on his back the whole day.

Not long after we arrived at the hospital Jeff's Uncle came to see how we were. I had only met Uncle Ted once at our wedding, but was I ever thankful to see him! It was nice having someone to talk to and to support me. He came back to the emergency room and was able to think for me! He asked where I could plug my phone in (so I was then able to update the parents), and got me a hotel room. I stayed at the hospital until about 2:30am and then let Uncle Ted get me set up at the hotel. It was really hard leaving Jeff there, but I knew that I would be of no use to him if I burned myself out.

The next morning I woke up early to phone the hospital to see if Jeff was okay and when he would be in surgery. The nurse said that he was fine and I should call back about 8:15 once the doctor did his rounds to see when he would be in surgery. So I got ready and phoned at 8:15. That's when I found out that Jeff had just been moved to the holding room waiting for the OR to open up. I asked if I could still see him there, to which they told me no. I was also not able to talk to him. I was devastated. I don't think I've cried so much before in my life! I felt like the worst wife ever. All I kept thinking is that he would wonder why I didn't come to see him, and that I didn't care about what he was going through.

Thankfully at about 10:00am I got a call from the nurses saying that Jeff was heading into surgery within a half-hour and he would like to talk to me. The moment I heard his voice I bawled... poor guy! Here he was going into surgery and I was sobbing on the phone! lol! I told him how much I wanted to be there but I had missed him, and that I loved him. He was fine of course.. he figured that was what happened. I only talked to him for a couple minutes, but it made me sooo much more relaxed while I waited for him to come out of surgery.

At about 1:00pm I received a call from the surgeon saying everything went well. They had placed a 16 inch nail through his femur up into the ball of the joint. It took three incisions, one at his knee, one at his hip and one halfway between the two. They were small incisions. The surgeon said that for the next while he would be in recovery and that when he was sent back to his room I could come see him.

It wasn't until around 3:30pm that I got a call from the nurse saying that he was heading back to his room. I ran over to the hospital to see him. He was looking pretty good and alert for just being out of surgery. The alertness didn't stay for too long though! lol! For the next couple days he mostly slept.

Physiotherapy started working with him the next day. That first day they got him to stand with a walker and sit in a wheel chair for about an hour. The next day he stood with the walker, walked to the washroom and then sat in the chair for a little over an hour. The following day he walked with the walker out to the nurses station and back and also the washroom and wheelchair again. I was amazed at how much change there was every day with his movement.

Still, even though he was able to walk a few steps and sit in a chair, he was needing help to get in and out of bed, using the washroom and cleaning up (sponge baths). I took on the job after the first couple days, since I would have to do it all for him when we got home. I will admit it was kind of nice being needed like that! It felt a little like taking care of a 6'2" baby! :o)

On Saturday, Jeff's mom and my parents came to Vancouver to see us. Shelley stayed until Wednesday, my parents just stayed until Sunday at lunch (they had to go back to work at a camp). It was really nice having their support. When your usual support is the one that's sick it quite hard to get through the day on your own. So many times when I was at the hotel I would think of something to tell Jeff and then remember I couldn't. It was pretty lonely... but worse than that was knowing that Jeff was alone at the hospital.

On Sunday towards the end of the afternoon depression started to hit Jeff. It was quite sudden (but not unexpected). Do you know how hard it is to see your husband feeling sad? I hated it. He didn't want me to leave that night, and I stayed until 10:00pm but knew that if I didn't get home and get some sleep (and eat... I think I ate about one meal a day while I was there) I wouldn't be able to keep looking after him. It was so hard leaving him that night... and actually every night after that.

Sunday was also when the Doctor came to say that Jeff was released and they had put in the request for Whitehorse hospital to send the plane back to pick us up. Unfortunately the plane can take anywhere from 1-7 days to come. We were praying for 1 day!

Thankfully the next day we were told that the plane would be leaving Whitehorse at 3:00pm and we would be airlifted back home at 6:30pm. BEST NEWS EVER! So Monday was pretty exciting. Jeff's mom and I took him outside in the wheelchair, hoping the fresh air would help him cheer up a little. It worked for the time being. Days weren't as bad as nights for the depression.

At 5:45pm the paramedics came to get him and we headed off to the airport. At 6:30pm sharp we were on the plane and heading back home. the flight went well, and the paramedics were quite impressed with how little pain Jeff had. Actually, even the nurses and physiotherapist at VGH were pleased with his progress and how well he was doing. I guess most patients with broken hips are not 29 years old! :oP

We arrived back in Whitehorse at 9:00pm and were brought to the emergency room to wait for the doctor to assess him and assign a room. I think of all the waiting I had done up to the point, that felt the longest. I believe we were there for almost 2 hours. I just wanted to see him get settled and get home to see the dog and sleep in my own bed! It was tough being so close to home, yet not being able to go there. I can only imagine what it felt like for Jeff.

At about 11:45pm we were taken to a room upstairs and the nurse got him settled in. It was 12:30am when I finally left and went home. The animals were excited to see me and I was excited to see them. I was looking forward to sleeping in my own bed, but I still didn't sleep too well. My thoughts were always on Jeff. I hated leaving him at night cause that's when he would get lonely and sad. Poor guy.

Tuesday the physiotherapist came to see him and was very impressed with his movement. He actually had him walking the halls and doing a whole flight of stairs (7 of them!) both ways. WOW! I was impressed. He no longer needed the walker and was now on crutches. Tuesday afternoon I was able to get him in the shower, which had to feel great after a week of sitting in bed and only getting sponge baths. I must say, the bathroom was almost flooded by the time he was done and out! lol! Poor janitor!

Not long after, our family doctor came and said that he was free to go home. I panicked a little! I hadn't had time to get the house prepared nor to pick up the items we would need to loan from the Red Cross. So, Jeff stayed in the hospital that night so I could get everything done.

On Wednesday, one week after his fall, Jeff came home. It was late afternoon by the time he was discharged (he did some more stairs and walking and I was taught how to dress his incisions). He surprisingly didn't find it too hard to get into the van or to come up the stairs into the house, which were worries we had at first. It really helps that he's a strong guy and can use his arms to lift himself up.

Once home he was pretty tired and went to bed for pretty much the rest of the day. He finds if he's up too much, he gets really exhausted, though everyday it gets better and better.

It's been nice to be home, but at the same time a little stressful. We aren't equipped with a bed that lowers and moves (which is the way he was able to get comfortable at the hospital). As well, our bathroom isn't exactly "handicap" accessible, so its been a challenge with the items Red Cross gave us to use. I think we've modified it well enough though.

The nights are still the worst part of the day. Jeff can't seem to sleep on his side yet, and so sleeping on his back is becoming tiresome. Then, every few hours he's up to take his pill or use the bathroom, which all include me. I don't mind at all doing it (I'm actually liking that he depends on me... must be the mothering side of me!) but I am alittle concerned about how I'm going to do once I head back to the office.

This morning at 8:30am our social worker came to the house to do an interview with me. I figured it would be a good test to see how it would go, being up early and having Jeff settled before she got here. It worked out well, though I did have an extra hour then what I planned because my alarm clock went off at 6:00am rather than 7:00am!

Tomorrow Jeff goes to our family doctor to have a check-up and to get his staples out. I hope everything is okay with the incisions. They look really good but what do I know!

Jeff has another 4 weeks to go before he has another x-ray to see how the bone healed. If all goes okay he will head back to work and normal activities then. I don't see it being a problem, considering how great he's doing so far. What this does mean for me though is that for the next 4 weeks I'm on my own. I will be looking after him, the house, my job and his job. It's going to be hectic and to tell you the truth I'm a little nervous about it. But thankfully over the next month we are going to be having lots of company. Mom and Dad are coming this Friday for a couple weeks, then our Divisional Commander is coming to do our review (sorry for any non-Salvation Army folks who don't understand those terms!) Next will be our friends from BC for a week, and then Jeff's dad will come at the end of April. It will be nice to have some help and company around.

So, for the next while I will be concentrating on Jeff and getting him back on his feet (and making more and more fun of his "old person" injury), as well as keeping The Salvation Army here afloat (with lots of help from our great staff and DHQ). Thankfully the homestudy process will still be able to continue, though it will set us back a few sessions.

If you've read through this entire entry I congratulate you and I ask, as always, for your prayers!

Shannon

YIKES... kids need a lot of things!

We've now had two homestudy meetings and each have been great. I think we've connected well with our social worker and the best part is that she's a Christian, so she understands our beliefs and values. So far we've just gone over family history, our thoughts on certain subjects, and how we would describe ourselves. She has also walked through the house, and seemed pleased. There are a few things that we will obviously need to change and fix before we have a child (ie. childproofing) but for right now it's all good.

This past week I've been thinking a lot about what we need to buy for a child, and I must say I'm a little freaked out! lol! Jeff and I went to Walmart the other day and ventured into the baby section (which may I say felt very strange!) and we were looking at all the things we will need. There's TONS of things to think about, and tons of money to be spent! It's a little overwhelming... so I think we will just start to buy stuff now. I'm thinking things like sippy cups, bath towels and childproofing items are safe to get since whether we get an infant or a toddler we will need them. I've started a list of what we will need... if you want to give me any pointers I would love to have them!

We are trying to stay realistic about how long it may take to be placed with a child, but I will admit it's hard not to dream about it. I just hope that when the time comes we are as prepared as we can be!

Homestudy

Last week we recieved a call from the adoption co-ordinator who wanted to know where we were with our criminal record checks. I think I mentioned in the last post that the fingerprints that we sent away to Ottawa to get processed came back because we didn't send in everything that was needed. So I told her that we were now having to start all over and send them again (it takes 3 months for them to be processed). She said that's too bad because a social worker just had a spot open that she would have liked us to take. My heart dropped! I was thinking "GREAT when will the next spot open!". But thankfully she said that even without all the paperwork in place she was going to let us take that spot! So tomorrow we will be starting our homestudy! YAY! We are really excited to start this process. Once our homestudy is complete we will officially be on the waiting list for a child. As well we will be able to start getting our name out there that we are looking for a child that needs a loving home. Don't be surprised if you get an e-mail from me asking you to keep your ears open for us!

I'm hoping the homestudy doesn't take too long. Our worker said that it usually takes about 4 months. She did say however that she would like to speed that up a little for us. We were told that this social worker doesn't like to let the dust settle on things and really likes to just get it done, which is awesome news for us! I really hope that we connect well with her and that she likes us. I feel a little like Monica and Chandler on Friends! lol!

Keep the prayers coming everyone... we are very thankful for them!

Shannon

A New Year...

Hellooooooo out there..... Anyone check this thing anymore?? I doubt it. Considering I haven't written a real entry here in a LONG time. Actually I wouldn't have even thought to come and write tonight if it hadn't been for a conversation I had with a friend today. Talking with her shortly about the journey we've been on reminded me that in just a few weeks we will have been TTC for 6 years. 6 YEARS! That seems impossible. The time has gone by very quickly.

I've spent some of the day reading all my old posts and remembering the last few years and the struggles and sorrows that were in them. It's funny though... at one time reading all of those would have made me very sad, but I haven't cried about our struggle with infertility for a very long time now. Funny how things change. I never thought the day would come that I could feel... whats the word... normal! I use to ask my mom (who struggled with infertility herself) when it would get easier. When would the day come that I could be happy for a friend who just found out she's pregnant? When would I be able to hold another person's child and not feel like my heart would crush under the weight of wishing, praying that I could be a mom? When would I be able to truly give it over to God... knowing, not just in my head but in my heart, that his timing, his plan is far better than mine? She use to say that it would just come... one day, some day. And here it is! Do I still feel that slight heartbreak in my chest when I think of it... yes, but it's softened. It's finally at that place where I can live a day without feeling overwhelmed by it. And I am so thankful to God for my continued healing.

Maybe all of this is due in part to the fact that we have started the adoption process. In July we met with the adoption coordinator (which was very successful I believe) and began the paperwork that would be needed to bring a child(ren) into our home. In November we started an adoption class, learning about the troubles and problems these poor children would have because of their upbringing. I must say, instead of coming out of these classes filling better prepared, I was feeling much more worried about what we were getting ourselves in to. We work very closely here in Whitehorse with some very troubled people, a lot of them having been through the foster care and adoption process themselves. Most children here (along with our clients) suffer from FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome). If you have ever spoken with, seen, or tried to help someone with FAS you will know that it is very challenging and can be very heartbreaking. To know that quite likely a child that is chosen for us could have FAS or a myriad of other debilitating and challenging conditions is a little scary when I see the effects of that on peoples lives everyday.

As well, since we are working through the social services system, the children have been taken from their parents not relinquished... and most of those parents happen to be our clients. It all hit home for me just how scary all this was on the last day of our class. A panel of adoptive parents who have been through the system came to answer questions about the process, the joys, the pains. One mother described how since her daughter has been living with her she fears bringing her out in public, afraid that the birth family will see them and cause a scene. She mentioned how just before coming to the class that day she had seen the birth father. She described him and mentioned that thankfully he was so intoxicated and had gone so far down hill that he didn't recognise her. Jeff and I looked at each other and we knew right away who she was talking about... he is one of our regular clients. Sure enough, later we learned the name of the birth father and we were right.

It was in this moment that I began to realise that maybe this was not going to work. Jeff and I are already well known here because of the people we work with. Our clients know where we work, where we live, and they know that on Sundays at 11:00 we are at the church. What happens if we adopt a child of a client of ours who is not happy about losing their baby? How do I deal with the situation if they come to Church on Sunday morning and cause a fuss? I very quickly felt my heart sink as I worried about whether or not we would be able to go through with the adoption process.

But, It was the next story from a lady on the panel that raised my hopes once again. She adopted her sons by writing a generic letter to potential birth moms and putting together a profile made of pictures and information on their lives and sending it to the doctors here in town. The idea is that when a patient who is pregnant comes into see the doctor and mentions that she's looking into adoption he can go to his drawer and pull out the letter and information and let her look through it. It is then up to her (or the doctor) to give the adoptive parents a call and make the first move. This way is called private adoption.

With this kind of adoption the birth mother is giving up her rights to the child... no one is forcing her. As well, the fact that she is seeing a family doctor gives a little more chance that she will be taking care of herself during the pregnancy, meaning less chances of FAS and drug addicted babies.

I knew right away that this would have to be the way we proceed. Of course we will still keep our names on the list to adopt, but we will also go this route. Once our homestudy is completed (hopefully before the summer) we will put together our profile and send it to all the doctors here in town. As well we will send it to people we know all across Canada. Once we have an approved homestudy we are eligible to adopt anywhere in Canada. I've actually thought that we would put together a Facebook page so that friends can direct potential birth moms that they know of to the page to take a look.

But, all of this is still a ways off. We haven't even received back our fingerprints for our police check yet! And the homestudy is a long process taking months to complete. And if you know me, you'll know that by this time next week everything could be changed and we might be deciding on something completely different! lol! Such is my life.

Well, I think I've given a pretty sufficient update. Of course there are tons more things to write about... but it is getting late and I've run out of the energy to continue on (as I'm sure you have in reading it!). I thank each and everyone of my friends and family for being so supportive through this whole journey. I don't think I would be where I am today if it were not for you... and of course the Lord :o)

Blessings to you all in this new year!