A New Year...

Hellooooooo out there..... Anyone check this thing anymore?? I doubt it. Considering I haven't written a real entry here in a LONG time. Actually I wouldn't have even thought to come and write tonight if it hadn't been for a conversation I had with a friend today. Talking with her shortly about the journey we've been on reminded me that in just a few weeks we will have been TTC for 6 years. 6 YEARS! That seems impossible. The time has gone by very quickly.

I've spent some of the day reading all my old posts and remembering the last few years and the struggles and sorrows that were in them. It's funny though... at one time reading all of those would have made me very sad, but I haven't cried about our struggle with infertility for a very long time now. Funny how things change. I never thought the day would come that I could feel... whats the word... normal! I use to ask my mom (who struggled with infertility herself) when it would get easier. When would the day come that I could be happy for a friend who just found out she's pregnant? When would I be able to hold another person's child and not feel like my heart would crush under the weight of wishing, praying that I could be a mom? When would I be able to truly give it over to God... knowing, not just in my head but in my heart, that his timing, his plan is far better than mine? She use to say that it would just come... one day, some day. And here it is! Do I still feel that slight heartbreak in my chest when I think of it... yes, but it's softened. It's finally at that place where I can live a day without feeling overwhelmed by it. And I am so thankful to God for my continued healing.

Maybe all of this is due in part to the fact that we have started the adoption process. In July we met with the adoption coordinator (which was very successful I believe) and began the paperwork that would be needed to bring a child(ren) into our home. In November we started an adoption class, learning about the troubles and problems these poor children would have because of their upbringing. I must say, instead of coming out of these classes filling better prepared, I was feeling much more worried about what we were getting ourselves in to. We work very closely here in Whitehorse with some very troubled people, a lot of them having been through the foster care and adoption process themselves. Most children here (along with our clients) suffer from FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome). If you have ever spoken with, seen, or tried to help someone with FAS you will know that it is very challenging and can be very heartbreaking. To know that quite likely a child that is chosen for us could have FAS or a myriad of other debilitating and challenging conditions is a little scary when I see the effects of that on peoples lives everyday.

As well, since we are working through the social services system, the children have been taken from their parents not relinquished... and most of those parents happen to be our clients. It all hit home for me just how scary all this was on the last day of our class. A panel of adoptive parents who have been through the system came to answer questions about the process, the joys, the pains. One mother described how since her daughter has been living with her she fears bringing her out in public, afraid that the birth family will see them and cause a scene. She mentioned how just before coming to the class that day she had seen the birth father. She described him and mentioned that thankfully he was so intoxicated and had gone so far down hill that he didn't recognise her. Jeff and I looked at each other and we knew right away who she was talking about... he is one of our regular clients. Sure enough, later we learned the name of the birth father and we were right.

It was in this moment that I began to realise that maybe this was not going to work. Jeff and I are already well known here because of the people we work with. Our clients know where we work, where we live, and they know that on Sundays at 11:00 we are at the church. What happens if we adopt a child of a client of ours who is not happy about losing their baby? How do I deal with the situation if they come to Church on Sunday morning and cause a fuss? I very quickly felt my heart sink as I worried about whether or not we would be able to go through with the adoption process.

But, It was the next story from a lady on the panel that raised my hopes once again. She adopted her sons by writing a generic letter to potential birth moms and putting together a profile made of pictures and information on their lives and sending it to the doctors here in town. The idea is that when a patient who is pregnant comes into see the doctor and mentions that she's looking into adoption he can go to his drawer and pull out the letter and information and let her look through it. It is then up to her (or the doctor) to give the adoptive parents a call and make the first move. This way is called private adoption.

With this kind of adoption the birth mother is giving up her rights to the child... no one is forcing her. As well, the fact that she is seeing a family doctor gives a little more chance that she will be taking care of herself during the pregnancy, meaning less chances of FAS and drug addicted babies.

I knew right away that this would have to be the way we proceed. Of course we will still keep our names on the list to adopt, but we will also go this route. Once our homestudy is completed (hopefully before the summer) we will put together our profile and send it to all the doctors here in town. As well we will send it to people we know all across Canada. Once we have an approved homestudy we are eligible to adopt anywhere in Canada. I've actually thought that we would put together a Facebook page so that friends can direct potential birth moms that they know of to the page to take a look.

But, all of this is still a ways off. We haven't even received back our fingerprints for our police check yet! And the homestudy is a long process taking months to complete. And if you know me, you'll know that by this time next week everything could be changed and we might be deciding on something completely different! lol! Such is my life.

Well, I think I've given a pretty sufficient update. Of course there are tons more things to write about... but it is getting late and I've run out of the energy to continue on (as I'm sure you have in reading it!). I thank each and everyone of my friends and family for being so supportive through this whole journey. I don't think I would be where I am today if it were not for you... and of course the Lord :o)

Blessings to you all in this new year!