Thought for the day...

I have a calender on my desk that has little thoughts on it and this is what today's said:

"Why does God do this to me? That question loses its power when I remember that this Lord, into whose strong hands I long ago committed my life, is engineering a universe of unimaginable proportions and complexity. How could I possibly understand all that He must take into consideration as He deals with it and with me, a single individual! He has given us countless assurances that we cannot get lost in the shuffle."

That helped today. Sometimes I wonder why God has made us wait so long for a child. Its hard not to get angry some days and feel as if he has forgotten us. But I know better. I know that he has done many wonderful things for Jeff and I, things that we don't even deserve. I complain about God not answering my prayers, but how often do I pray? And when I do... is it always about me? ME, ME, ME! What about thanks for the wonderful life he has given us! What about thanks for our health, our family, friends, and church. We have tons to be thankful for.

I know that some day I will have a child. Whether it be of my own flesh and blood or if we adopt. I also know that there will still be difficult days ahead, days when I will be angry, and bitter. But God is great! And I know that he has a plan for us, and for our unborn child. I just need to learn patience.

Shannon

Happy Birthday!

It's my Nephews 10th birthday today!

Happy Birthday Josh! I can't believe it was 10 years ago! How time flies!

I hope you have a good one! We love you lots!

See you in March!
Auntie Shannon and Uncle Jeff

I got an appointment!!

I phoned the Doctor today and made an appointment to have the HSG dye test. Its next Friday at 1:00, here at the High River Hospital. I'm excited about it. I will be on cycle day 13 which will be just before I ovulate (even if I ovulate early). This means that when I get the test done it may have helped clean out my uterus and tubes and it gives me a 20% better chance of getting pregnant. So the test, with the knowledge that I may ovulate later, could make this month an exciting one!

So I am excited, but also very scared. When I get positive like this it always ends in heartbreak. Let's just pray that this month it won't.

Shannon

Bye, Bye Puppy!

I found out today that my little puppy has a new home. She goes to her new family on Sunday. So I only have a few days left to pretend I own her! I really wanted her... I just didn't think I could handle it. Now I'm regretting it. I had her all day today at home and she was so good... no trouble at all. But I guess my chance went by. I'm sure its for the better, although that doesn't make it easier.

So, not much else to say today. Had a pretty relaxing day at home. Had to go to work this morning but was able to take the afternoon and night off. My friend and I went for a nice long walk so that felt good. Besides for that... pretty boring!

I hope you all had a great day.

Shannon

Give me pills and a heating pad please

So I started my period today, otherwise known as "AF" (Aunt Flow) in the forum world. And it sucks big time. First of all, to all you men out there.... YOU SUCK! Every single month us women have to go through the most disgusting, painful thing, and what do you get... nothing!

Okay, I know its not your fault... Sorry. See there go my hormones again... I did warn you in advance about them.

On happier news... we dedicated a baby today! Friends of ours, Dave and Sue Clark, wanted Jeff and I to go to Glenmore Temple and dedicate their new baby girl, Claire. So it was a fun day. The dedication went very well, we didn't have to preach or lead the service, and we went to Red Lobster for lunch! So not to shabby! Today was quite special for us actually. Dave and Sue have asked Jeff and I to be Claire's God parents, and I was privileged to see Claire being born. (That was the most amazing experience!)

So the day started off kind of crappy, but it ended well. I must say even though AF is here, I am excited about the month to come. Maybe this will be it for us! Keep praying people!

And to the men.... Sorry again for the earlier outburst! :)

Love you all!

Shannon

Alien Activity Detected...BEWARE!

All I have to say today is.... my poor sweet Jeff. It must be hard when it seems as if your wife's body has been taken over by an alien. It has to be confusing when one day she seems so sweet and the next she acts like she's been possessed by demons. My dear, dear husband.... I will be back again... soon (give it about a week).

Shannon

I... Hate... HORMONES!!!!!

During this time of my cycle my hormones RAGE! Poor, poor Jeff! One minute I'm bawling my eyes out, and the next I'm bawling him out! He's been so good though. He just laughs at me, which of course just makes me even more mad!

I was looking at pictures of a childhood friends newborn baby today. He was just born last week. I was fine looking at them until I saw a picture of the dad holding the baby while sitting at the computer. That one made me cry. I'm not exactly sure why, but I think it's because of two things. One, I love to see a man with a baby, and I can't wait to see Jeff with our baby. Two, they weren't posing or looking at the camera. It was just a snapshot of everyday life. The life that I want to have. I just imagined what it would be like to hold my baby while still doing the everyday things.

So I cried, which is nothing all that new. But then to top it off I'm stupid enough to watch a Baby Story during my lunch break. That just isn't smart at this time of the month! So I sat there crying through the whole thing. I was a mess.

I just want to apologise ahead of time for how sappy, emotional or angry the next few posts may be. Until the beginning of February I have no control over what I say or do! Just blame it on the hormones.

Have a good day!

Shannon

What?!!!!

So this month I have been charting my temperature, otherwise known as BBT charting (basal body temperature). You have to take your temperature the moment you wake up. Before you step out of bed, or even before you talk. This is suppose to help you understand your cycle, so that you know when you ovulate. The concept is that when your temperature rises you are ovulating.

Now I have tried ovulation tests, and I never get a positive. I even bought a saliva ovulation predictor test and that didn't work. I tried taking my temperature last year and that didn't work either, but only because I couldn't ever remember to take my temperature before I got out of bed in the morning.

So this month I decided that I would try it again, since so many women have had success with using it. I have only forgotten one morning. So that's good.

But guess what I found out this month! I ovulate a LOT later then I thought! So this is excellent news! If I know when I ovulate, Jeff and I can... well... "do the business" at the right time!

So here we come February... armed and dangerous!

Shannon

I love puppys!

I had the privilege today of puppy sitting! Our Thrift Store manager breeds Chihuahuas and has been bringing the puppy to work. I of course have been helping her out with looking after the puppy! She actually wants me to have the dog, especially since I have been spoiling the puppy left, right and centre!

Jeff does not understand why anyone would want a dog. They pee on the floor, smell bad, lick your face and can't be left at home alone! He prefers cats. I on the other hand would have any animal I could get my hands on... including a dog!

So for the past couple weeks I have had my manager pretty much begging me to take the puppy, and Jeff saying don't you dare! I am very much conflicted by this! On the one hand, I love the puppy. She is the cutest little thing you have ever seen. I have always wanted a chihuahua so that I can dress it (you actually HAVE to do this in the winter... they lose to much heat) and carry it around with me where ever I go. On the other hand, I agree with Jeff about one thing... they need a lot of attention. We travel a fair amount and the dog wouldn't be able to go with us so we would have to find a sitter for it. While we are here in High River our Store manager would take the dog. But what happens when we move from here? Will we be able to find someone? Our Cats are easy because we can leave for a few days without even worrying about them.

All of this made me think. People say that a dog is like a child. They are very dependant. If I feel that a dog would be too much work, that you have to find "puppy sitters" all the time and they make a mess, then what am I going to do with a kid!! I know that obviously a child is a lot different then a dog, but if I can't handle a mere puppy, can I handle a child?

I guess it made me think about how much a child changes your life. I have wanted children for as long as I can remember and I have thought about all the wonderful things that a child brings to your life, but I haven't fully thought of the challenges. Jeff and I are very use to living a carefree life. We are use to being able to take off at any time of the night for a drive or for a late night snack. We can decide at a moments notice to go camping, or take a trip somewhere. A child will change all that. It will also change our relationship. I am sure for the better, but there will be tough times too.

So I really don't have a point in this post, other then to say to the mothers and fathers out there... how on earth do you do it?

Shannon

Baby Clothes

Aren't baby clothes the cutest things you have ever seen? I, like many women struggling with infertility, have a love/hate relationship with the baby clothes aisle. I love to look at all the little garments and I hate that I can't buy them!

Jeff and I go frequently to our Thrift Stores to check in and make sure everything is going okay. When we go I usually do a lot of shopping! I have to support our stores! :) Sometimes I find the cutest baby items. Usually if they are brand new or in good shape I buy them for friends. (I tell them its from the Thrift Store!)

On Monday, we went around to the thrift stores and I saw the most adorable pair of Dr. Scholl's shoes. They are a size two! They are pink,white and purple and of course never been walked in! I also found a really cute outfit that still had the store tags. I bought the items thinking I could give them to a friend of mine who just had a baby girl. When I got home though, Jeff and I looked at the items and we decided that we would keep them! Now this may seem like a simple little thing... but I never keep baby items for myself. It's a fear I guess. I'm afraid I'll never use them... that they will sit there as a reminder of our troubles. But we want to stay positive. And I think this is a way that we can do that.

So here I am writing this blog, while staring at those tiny shoes and the most adorable little girls outfit, and I have hope... in the midst of despair. And I think a lot of it has to do with those who are reading this blog. Your prayers are helping, your kind words are soothing, and your encouragement is healing. I know that God is using you to bless us. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Shannon

ARGGGGG!!!!

So I went yesterday for my blood work and while I was there, a girl and her mom were waiting in the waiting room. They looked like they were from a lower income family. The mom was quite anxious, and had a few "chats" with the nurse about how long it was taking to get the results back on a test. The daughter looked quite calm and actually was telling her mother to sit down and relax.

While I was giving my information to the nurse one of the lab techs delivered the news to them. The daughter was pregnant! They screamed and jumped and cried and hugged... and it was quite emotional. Except the daughter is like 16!!!!!! I was so mad. It is so unfair that a 16 year old is pregnant, that the family looks as if they can't even afford the clothes on their back! Here I am taking a stupid blood test to see why I, a mature (okay... somewhat mature) married women, who can provide a loving, supportive home can't get pregnant. Then of course the nurse I was working with goes into how she found out she was pregnant, and how excited she was, and how it just happened! I mean shes filling out a form that's about my infertility. Have a little sensitivity!

So anyways, I came back to the office to see Jeff and I was almost in tears. I wanted so badly to be that girl... to find out I was pregnant and scream for joy! I was jealous of her more then anything.

And yes I know that I am being a little judgmental of this family. And they just may be the best people in the world to raise a baby. So I apologise for being mean about them. I just wanted to get the frustration off my chest.

Shannon

Gone to get a hole in my arm!

So I go for my "Day 21" blood test this morning. Please pray that the results will be good. I won't find out probably until next month. This one tests whether or not I ovulated, and whether I have enough progesterone to let the egg attach to the uterine lining. If there is a low progesterone level that means that there is a high estrogen level, which means that the follicles won't release an egg.

Hey, by the way... this is my fourth blog entry! Better then any diary I had as a little girl! Maybe this thing will work!

Have a good day everyone!

Shannon

The dreaded 2 week wait!

The 2 week wait (2ww) has to be the hardest part of the month. It is the time from ovulation to your period. During those two weeks your mind plays havoc with your emotions. One day you feel a little cramp... Am I pregnant? Or your breasts hurt... am I pregnant? Or you feel a little nauseous.... am I pregnant? Its really annoying. And no matter how much you determine not to get your hopes up every time you "feel" something you think this just may be the month. And of course in my case I have been wrong about that 36 times!

Do you know what really bugs me though? When people say "Don't think about it... just let it happen" Please, I beg of you, if you ever meet or know someone who has fertility issues do NOT say this. I don't care if that's how you got pregnant, or your friend got pregnant or your mother! It is not the point. The point is this... HOW?! I would love to not spend my days dreaming of the morning I pee on a stick and get two lines rather then one! I would love to not cry myself to sleep after I have spent the day with friends who have children. I would love to not be jealous every time I hear someone is pregnant. So if someone can tell me how to NOT think about it.. please share it with me.

So meanwhile I will go to bed at night dreaming of the day that I hold my baby, and I will think about all the things I will do with him/her, and I will continue to cry as I think of the unfairness of it all. And I will wait, the dreaded two week wait, in hopes that my dreams will come true this month.

Shannon

A History

So here's the scoop so far in this journey called infertility. Jeff and I have been married for almost 5 years. April 30th, 2002 was the wedding date. Our first year and a half was spent in Training College in Toronto. When we arrived in High River, AB on January 13th, 2004 we began discussing having children. By February we had stopped any kind of Birth Control and began trying to conceive (or TTC). The TTC process was very hard in the beginning. Every month that went by without a positive pregnancy test was devastating. I believe those first few months were some of the hardest actually. It was all I thought about, every day and every night. But the months soon turned into years and as of this February it will have been 3 years.

3 Years is a long time to ride an emotional roller coaster. Some months I am fine, others I feel like I am going crazy. Some months I cry, others I scream. There is rarely a month that there is not a huge let down. But I believe for the most part I've been good about it. We have been so super busy here in High River with our jobs that a child wouldn't have been good anyways. We have had Financial disaster, floods, and fires. None of which would have been very easy with a baby to care for. So for the first 2 years we were kind of happy (KIND of) to be childless. We saw it as a blessing from God that we hadn't yet been pregnant when we remember everything that we have had to do.

But now we are feeling that it is definitely past due. So we are now looking into treatment. Something we have both dreaded. We both wanted so badly to have a child the "normal" way. Especially when the people around us were having babies so effortlessly it seemed.

So.... we have been to the doctor and had our health checked. We are both quite healthy. Jeff has had a sperm analysis, which did come back a little low... but it could be a false reading. Being sick, or having stress or anything like that in the 3 months before the test can produce false readings. It takes 3 months for sperm to regenerate into healthy sperm. This has been hard with so many flu's and colds floating around out here.

So it is now onto me. I have been to the fertility specialist here in town. She is a great doctor, but testing has been slow. This month I went and had a "day 3" blood test. This test is taken on day 3 of your cycle and tells you whether or not your estrogen levels are okay. On day 21 (which is on Monday) I have the "day 21" blood test that will tell me whether or not I ovulated. It looks at your progesterone levels. Next month I then meet with my Doctor and discuss the results while I have a HSG dye test. (any men who do not want to have the details can stop reading now!) This test involves having an ultrasound while the doctor injects dye into your uterus. If the dye spills out of your fallopian tubes then it means there are no blockages. If it just stays in the uterus then there is a problem.

So that is next months task... but I am focusing this month on the very easy, not embarrassing, blood test! I hate exams as it is... having dye pumped into you... not my idea of fun. Give me a needle and draw my blood any day. But it will be good to finally get some answers.

So that is the journey so far. I know that this post is super long and I apologise. I just thought that I would get it all out there from the beginning.

Thanks for reading. Please pray that the blood tests this month show normal levels of estrogen and progesterone.

Shannon

Hello All!

So, I never thought I would do this... write a blog. I have never been able to keep a diary. I have a whole bunch of journals that have only one entry in them! But I am hoping that I may write a few more here!

For most reading this blog, you know that Jeff and I are struggling with infertility. It has been a rough time for us and for the most part we have been keeping our struggles to ourselves. But we believe that by doing this we have limited those who a) we may be able to help with our experiences b) can pray for us and support us.

So, this may be hard for me. I don't like to write. It isn't one of my giftings. So don't expect any deep thoughts! But do expect some honesty and emotions. And for the first while don't expect this to last! It just may end up with one entry!

Shannon