I would die for that... or would I?

The last several weeks I have been listening non-stop to my favorite infertility song by Kellie Coffey. I posted the you-tube video on here a while back but I thought I would just give you the post to her music. http://www.kelliecoffey.com/Music.asp. I like the video, but I find that it distracts me from the words of the song. Listen to it if you have a moment.

The songs main point is that she would die to have the family that everyone else has. She would do anything to have the chance to hear a child call her mom. I've been thinking about that statement "I would die for that", and I wonder, would I? Would I do ANYTHING to have a child? I don't think I would.

I heard a couple months ago about a couple who had been trying for years (12) to have a child and she finally got pregnant. About 6 months into the pregnancy her husband died of a massive heart attack. I thought how horrible... to finally get your "gift" but to not be able to enjoy it. And I know God doesn't work this way, but I thought what if God had said its either a baby or your husband... you choose! I phoned Jeff after I heard the story, with tears in my eyes, and told him no baby was ever worth him and our marriage. I would never sacrifice our lives together to have a child. It isn't worth it to me.

There was a show on TV once about a women who had told her husband that her parents would pay for a round of IVF ($10,000) so they did the procedure (it didn't work) only to find out after that she had actually applied for several credit cards behind his back and had charged the cost of the procedure to the cards, sending them into more debt (they had already spent about $20,000 on IVF cycles before). I can't imagine doing something like that. To want a child so bad that you put your future in jeopardy? I would never think of doing something like that.

Saying that, I will go as far as God allows to bring this dream of ours to reality. Any door he opens I will go through, and any door he closes I will accept. The song says "and I won't understand it, if its not meant to be." That's true, I won't understand it... I won't understand why God has given me a heart that aches for a child and then not give me the child to love... but who am I? I can't see the big picture. I don't know what the future holds, only He does.

So would I die to have what so many of my friends and family have? Would I die to hold a baby in my arms, and not have to pass it back to it's mother? Would I die to hear the words "I love you mom"? The answer is no... I wouldn't... but I would still love to experience it all and will continue on this journey until I feel I need to stop.