THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS OF A WANNA-BE-MOTHER: When will it be OUR turn?

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

When will it be OUR turn?

I have been asked twice this week about our babies. One was someone at church asking whether I was still carrying (hmmm… does that mean I look like I am?? YIKES!) and the other was today. A lady asked if I had had the babies yet. My heart, with each innocent question, broke just a little bit more. No I am not carrying and No I have not given birth… my babies instead are enjoying their days in the presence of their creator.

Last week a friend that went through IVF at the same time as me and got (and stayed) pregnant with twins had her babies. I am so happy for her and that even though the twins were a month premature they are healthy and happy. I can’t help thinking though that this could have been us. Right now at this moment I could be holding my precious little Esme and Zane. I can’t describe the kind of crushing feeling this realization brings to my heart. For short moments it hurts so bad I wonder how I will move on… but thankfully the moment does pass and I find the strength (thank you Jesus!) to put those thoughts away and get on with my day.

I am not looking forward to March 5^th, the Estimated Due date for the twins. Well to be honest I’m not looking forward to these next weeks leading up to it either. This was supposed to be a joyous time for us and instead it’s filled with grief. I’m not sad for our babies… they are in a wonderful place… but I am sad for us and for our empty arms. This month marks 9 years that we have been TTC. 9 YEARS! Never in my wildest imagination did I believe we would still be childless at this point in our lives. And most definitely I did not imagine that we would have said goodbye to three children.

I have found myself saying over and over when will it be OUR time? When will we get to hold our child and love them and protect them? When will we get to hear our child call us Mom and Dad? I don’t care how they come to us, whether it’s biological or adoption, but when will they come?? How long must we wait while everyone around us seems to be able to build a family so easily?

Sigh… Lord please give me strength… I can’t do this without you.

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Our Journey So Far...

Jeff and I met in 1999 at Bible College in Winnipeg. We were married there in April 2002. We didn't start trying to have a baby until 2004. After a couple years of trying on our own we went to our Family Doctor to see what our problem was. After much testing it was discovered that we were dealing with male factor infertility. In November 2007 we were told we had a 1% chance of conceiving on our own and that IVF would be our only solution. We weren't able to afford IVF at the time and so did one round of IUI in April 2009 which was not successful. In the midst of this we decided that Adoption was something God was calling us to and we began looking into what that would be like. in July 2009 we met for the first time with our social worker and began our homestudy to be approved for adoption through social services. In May 2010 we decided we would pursue an adoption of a little boy in Zimbabwe. This eventually fell through due to complications with immigration. While this was going on however we were also hopeful about adopting another little boy from Alberta. In August 2010 we received word that we had been chosen as the adoptive parents. We were ecstatic! In September however, a couple weeks before we were to get him the adoption fell through leaving us heartbroken. Because of this adoption heartbreak, in February 2011 we decided we would pursue IVF again. In June 2012 we traveled to Vancouver for our first (and probably last) IVF treatment. We were able to transfer two day 3 embryos and freeze five day 5 blastocysts. On June 26th for the first time in 8 years of TTC I saw my first positive pregnancy test! We were so happy! Unfortunately a couple weeks later on July 12th we miscarried our precious little ones whom we named Esme (meaning Loved) and Zane (meaning God is Gracious). We were heartbroken but thankful that God saw fit to bless us with their lives even for a few short weeks. In October 2012 we traveled to Vancouver again for a FET. We transferred one sweet little Blast and were blessed to find out we had conceived again. All too soon though little Gabriel (meaning God is my Strength) went to be with Jesus and his Brothers and Sisters on November 15th. We miss our children and look forward to the day that we are reunited with them in Heaven.

And the journey continues...

List Of Abbreviations

BFP - Big Fat Positive

BFN - Big Fat Negative

TTC - Trying To Concieve

AF - Aunt Flow (aka Period)

DPO - Days Past Ovulation

BD - Baby Dancing (aka Sex)

POAS - Pee On A Stick (Pregnancy or ovulation testing)

2WW - 2 Week Wait (From ovulation to expected period)

CD - Cycle Day

LP - Luteal Phase (time between ovulation and period)

LPD - Luteal Phase Defect

DH - Dear husband

SA - Semen Analysis

IVF - In Vitro Fertilization

FET - Frozen Embryo Transfer

OHSS - Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome

HPT - Home Pregnancy Test

THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS OF A WANNA-BE-MOTHER

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

When will it be OUR turn?

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