Tuesday, February 5, 2013

When will it be OUR turn?

I have been asked twice this week about our babies. One was someone at church asking whether I was still carrying (hmmm… does that mean I look like I am?? YIKES!) and the other was today. A lady asked if I had had the babies yet. My heart, with each innocent question, broke just a little bit more. No I am not carrying and No I have not given birth… my babies instead are enjoying their days in the presence of their creator.

Last week a friend that went through IVF at the same time as me and got (and stayed) pregnant with twins had her babies. I am so happy for her and that even though the twins were a month premature they are healthy and happy. I can’t help thinking though that this could have been us. Right now at this moment I could be holding my precious little Esme and Zane. I can’t describe the kind of crushing feeling this realization brings to my heart. For short moments it hurts so bad I wonder how I will move on… but thankfully the moment does pass and I find the strength (thank you Jesus!) to put those thoughts away and get on with my day.

I am not looking forward to March 5th, the Estimated Due date for the twins. Well to be honest I’m not looking forward to these next weeks leading up to it either. This was supposed to be a joyous time for us and instead it’s filled with grief. I’m not sad for our babies… they are in a wonderful place… but I am sad for us and for our empty arms. This month marks 9 years that we have been TTC. 9 YEARS! Never in my wildest imagination did I believe we would still be childless at this point in our lives. And most definitely I did not imagine that we would have said goodbye to three children.

I have found myself saying over and over when will it be OUR time? When will we get to hold our child and love them and protect them? When will we get to hear our child call us Mom and Dad? I don’t care how they come to us, whether it’s biological or adoption, but when will they come?? How long must we wait while everyone around us seems to be able to build a family so easily?

Sigh… Lord please give me strength… I can’t do this without you.

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