Made it through... on to another month!

Sorry for worrying some of you with my last post. I forget sometimes that you only see the comments I make in the heat of the moment and not the time after. As heartbroken as I was to see AF come, as angry and disappointed I was at not being pregnant... again, I'm okay. It is always hardest the first day, and then the pain slowly drains away as the days pass by. And then hope starts to take the place of pain and the roller coaster ride starts all over again. Unfortunately, this has become the norm in my life.

We were away in Red Deer this week and while there we went to "Parables" the christian book store. While there I found a book called "Empty Womb, Aching Heart". It's a collection of short stories written by both men and women, about their struggles with infertility. It is Christian based, so the stories are mainly about God's grace. The stories so far have been very helpful. The first two in the book were exactly what I was needing those first few days after AF arrived.

The first chapter is titled "Crying In The Diaper Aisle". It was because of this title that I bought the book. I have had many a tear in the "Diaper Aisle". The chapter is about a lady, Megan, and her husband who have been trying for 5 years to get pregnant with no luck. She talks about how she use to never cry but now all of a sudden she cries at anything baby related, TV Shows, parents at the mall, the child on the diaper box. And every time she cries she rememberes what people have said to her:

"God's timing is perfect" my friends would say. "God knows what's best," my pastor assured us. "Get a hold of yourself," my mother urged. "Christians are supposed to be happy. Remember all things work together for good to those who love the Lord!"

"Maybe they were right. Did my tears show a lack of faith? Did these sudden outbursts reveal that I wasn't trusting in God? What kind of witness was I, with my long face, and tears in the diaper Aisle?"

Then Megan goes to lunch with her friend Debbie who had lost her dad recently and was still grieving. Her friend shares how even though the months have passed she still cries at the sight of his picture or at anything that reminds her of her dad. She feels guilty for this because he was a christian and she was suppose to be happy that he was with Jesus now. Megan tells her that it is normal to grieve.

"You've lost your father. Just because he's in heaven doesn't mean it shouldn't hurt. You have to cry; its part of the grieving process."

So Megan leaves the restaurant and while driving home thinks about their conversation:

"As I thought about it, I realised that, like Debbie, I too had lost someone I loved - the child I longed for, but didn't have. Why did I think my loss was less significant, less painful? Why did I believe that I didn't need to grieve? Perhaps, like I'd told Debbie, it was okay to cry."

"All this time I'd been fighting the tears and telling myself I should trust God and be content, I hadn't allowed myself to grieve. I thought crying was a sign of weak faith, but maybe it was a sign of God's attempt to bring healing to my heart."

"Infertility is a hard road, a painful road. Sometimes tears are needed to smooth the way. Sometimes it's right to cry."

You have no idea how this story helped calm my fear about my trust, or what I thought to be lack of trust, in God. So many times I felt guilty for feeling so depressed. I felt like every tear I cried just proved how mush I distrusted God's plan for my life.

When I read this chapter, I realised... it is exactly like grieving for someone. Every month I grieve for the child I "lost" yet I felt guilty for doing it. Yet I wouldn't tell one of my congregants who had lost someone to "buck up and get over it". So why should I tell myself that? I have realised that if I need to cry and be depressed and grieve then I need to let that happen. It is only though the grieving process that I can receive healing from Christ.

So from now on... if I need to cry, I will! And If I need to grieve, I will! And if I need to be angry at the injustice of it all, I will! But through all of that, I will allow God's healing to come upon me. I will allow God to give me hope again... for another month.

Shannon