Its a bad day... :(

I'm very depressed today. I figured it would happen with the test being tomorrow, but I was hoping that I would be able to ignore it. I've done a decent job of getting through it... but the moment I stop to think I feel like crying.

There are few reasons actually for the feelings. First, this test tomorrow is freaking me out more then I thought it would. Its not because of the test itself, the discomfort or pain, its because I could find out some horrible news tomorrow. This test will direct the future for us. If there is nothing wrong, great! If there is something wrong it could be countless surgeries and drugs and of course a huge load of money. (Fertility treatments can easily cost up to $20,000).

Another reason why I'm pretty bummed out right now is that Jeff is feeling a little sick. If he gets a cold or the flu, it can affect his already poor sperm quality. It would then take another 3 months for the sperm to regenerate. That's a long time!

Yet another reason is that I think I may be ovulating right now. This means that I will miss my chance this month. I was really hoping that I would ovulate late, like last month, but I have all the symptoms of ovulation today. If my egg has already released, tomorrow the dye will get rid of it.

So today just downright sucks. And to top it off I had to volunteer at "healthy moms healthy babies" today. I do the childcare for them twice a month. This morning there was a 9 month old there who was sick with a cold. What really gets to me is that his Mom smokes around them all the time. The poor kid can hardly breath as it is because of the smoke, never mind with a cold. So as I held him and rocked him to sleep I had to hold back tears once again as I thought of how unfair all of this is. In our line of work we see so many families that really don't deserve to have kids. Its hard not to want to take them and raise them as our own.

So that's it for today... sorry for being such a cry baby. There is a moment of joy coming to end my day with though.... Survivor starts tonight!! YAH!! So that will cheer me up!

Shannon