You know jealousy is not good... nor is it fun. Every time I see a pregnant women I envy her. I see the belly and I just wish that I could have that. I see a baby in a father's arms and I want so badly to see Jeff holding our child. But beyond even the longing to be like them... I'm mad at them too. I know that's crazy, but I hate that they have what I don't have. I feel like a child thats been told they can't have a candy but their best friend has one. Its like, how dare you have a child if I can't!
Now, before anyone gets freaked out, I love you all dearly. And all this is just irrational thoughts. I don't actually hate pregnant people or people with kids! But its hard to fight against that jealousy.
I figured out what my problem is though. I'm putting this child that I so badly want, before God. That's what jealousy is. Its wanting something more then you want the Lord. If I am to stop my jealousy I need to first walk closer with Christ. I need to be willing to sacrifice ever having children, for Him. I need to be willing to accept whatever decision He has made for me whether that mean a child, or no child. And that is hard for me. My whole life I have wanted a baby. I said as a teen that I only needed a husband to get a child! (that has changed now... no worries sweetie!) I am so caught up in what I want that I'm not being attentive to what Christ wants of me.
Now, I may have just wrote all that out... and in a fairy tale I would be cured and everything would be fine. But I have had these thoughts for a long time... and I still have lots of trouble taking my own advice.
I think we all at some point can let worldly things become more important then God. The goal is to break those habits and let God be in control of our lives. And we will see that when He is in control, our lives are much better off.
Shannon
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A place where I can share my thoughts and feelings on infertility, adoption and loss and all of its struggles and joys. As well as a place where I can find support and prayers from my family and friends.
About Me
- Shannon
- Whitehorse, Yukon, Canada
Our Journey So Far...
Jeff and I met in 1999 at Bible College in Winnipeg. We were married there in April 2002. We didn't start trying to have a baby until 2004. After a couple years of trying on our own we went to our Family Doctor to see what our problem was. After much testing it was discovered that we were dealing with male factor infertility. In November 2007 we were told we had a 1% chance of conceiving on our own and that IVF would be our only solution. We weren't able to afford IVF at the time and so did one round of IUI in April 2009 which was not successful. In the midst of this we decided that Adoption was something God was calling us to and we began looking into what that would be like. in July 2009 we met for the first time with our social worker and began our homestudy to be approved for adoption through social services. In May 2010 we decided we would pursue an adoption of a little boy in Zimbabwe. This eventually fell through due to complications with immigration. While this was going on however we were also hopeful about adopting another little boy from Alberta. In August 2010 we received word that we had been chosen as the adoptive parents. We were ecstatic! In September however, a couple weeks before we were to get him the adoption fell through leaving us heartbroken. Because of this adoption heartbreak, in February 2011 we decided we would pursue IVF again. In June 2012 we traveled to Vancouver for our first (and probably last) IVF treatment. We were able to transfer two day 3 embryos and freeze five day 5 blastocysts. On June 26th for the first time in 8 years of TTC I saw my first positive pregnancy test! We were so happy! Unfortunately a couple weeks later on July 12th we miscarried our precious little ones whom we named Esme (meaning Loved) and Zane (meaning God is Gracious). We were heartbroken but thankful that God saw fit to bless us with their lives even for a few short weeks. In October 2012 we traveled to Vancouver again for a FET. We transferred one sweet little Blast and were blessed to find out we had conceived again. All too soon though little Gabriel (meaning God is my Strength) went to be with Jesus and his Brothers and Sisters on November 15th. We miss our children and look forward to the day that we are reunited with them in Heaven.
And the journey continues...
And the journey continues...
List Of Abbreviations
BFP - Big Fat Positive
BFN - Big Fat Negative
TTC - Trying To Concieve
AF - Aunt Flow (aka Period)
DPO - Days Past Ovulation
BD - Baby Dancing (aka Sex)
POAS - Pee On A Stick (Pregnancy or ovulation testing)
2WW - 2 Week Wait (From ovulation to expected period)
CD - Cycle Day
LP - Luteal Phase (time between ovulation and period)
LPD - Luteal Phase Defect
DH - Dear husband
SA - Semen Analysis
IVF - In Vitro Fertilization
FET - Frozen Embryo Transfer
OHSS - Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
BFN - Big Fat Negative
TTC - Trying To Concieve
AF - Aunt Flow (aka Period)
DPO - Days Past Ovulation
BD - Baby Dancing (aka Sex)
POAS - Pee On A Stick (Pregnancy or ovulation testing)
2WW - 2 Week Wait (From ovulation to expected period)
CD - Cycle Day
LP - Luteal Phase (time between ovulation and period)
LPD - Luteal Phase Defect
DH - Dear husband
SA - Semen Analysis
IVF - In Vitro Fertilization
FET - Frozen Embryo Transfer
OHSS - Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
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4 comments:
I think more often than not, we take for granted all of the gifts God had bestowed upon us. I think by being Westerners we are like spoiled children; the more we get the more we want. Now, I'm not saying you are spoiled - well you were back in the day but that's another story - but we do tend to gripe about what our neighbours have and want we don't have. How much more blessed would we be if we truly were thank for all of God's gifts.
I have been ready your daily posts and really love your honesty and willingness to share your struggles. I think it can be used to help other that enduring similar struggles. However I do think you need to take responsibility for some of your feelings and turn your emotions over to the Lord. If kept unchecked, they will hinder your spiritual walk and keep your focus from what Christ has called you to do. Christina and I have been through many hardships early in our marriage, many to the exact opposite of what you are going through. It was tough keeping our very real 'human' emotions in-line with Christ's teachings. What I did discover was that once we turned our raw emotions over to Him, only then did we truly feel his amazing grace.
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)
Many of your previous posts express the hurt, pain, jealousy - your weaknesses. Christ will allow you to use your struggles for good - if you will allow Him. The Biblical paraphrase, The Message says, "Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." - Romans 8:28 (The Message)
I don't know if you and Jeff will ever be blessed with a child. The harsh fact may be that He never will. What I do know, is that He has blessed the rest of us with two amazing people that can and will use these tough times to help others and be a living example of how His grace is sufficient. I love you and Jeff dearly, and what I do know is that Christ has wonderful things in store for you, and according to this post, you are headed in the right direction.
~2q
Thanks Steve. This blog has been great for me. Not just to get my feelings out, but to also realize how much the people in our lives care about us.
You and Christina have always been an inspiration to me. I know that you have had many struggles, yet you have come through them all so well while always giving the glory to God. I use you and Christina in many of my sermons to illustrate how you can take a bad situation and use it for good.
When we had the floods and fires we had a motto "It is not a problem but an opportunity." Well I believe that my "problems" are an opportunity... like you quoted from 2 Corinthians God uses our weaknesses to show his power and grace. My struggles will help someone else... I believe that.
It can be difficult sometimes for Jeff and I to show our struggles because people automatically assume that we have it all together because of our role as officers. But we don't. What I have been finding is that I can take all my weaknesses and pour them into my ministry. By doing that I am more approachable. Many people here have commented on our honesty in our sermons. I need to learn the lessons just as much as those who are sitting before me and the people know that.
Leading a Christ centered life is always full of challenges, but it is also full of blessings. I'm excited by what I know the Lord is doing in my life.
Thank you again!
Love,
Shannon
Hey Shannon
I agree with your bro..It is so refreshing to have officers with problems and who don't mind sharing the fact that you are human. You and Jeffy are already helping people out with your struggles...It is because of you guys that Mike and I can take comfort in knowing that just because we are called to be officers it doesn't mean that we have to have everything "all together". We are allowed to be human. Humans with emotions right or wrong...Humans with struggles and humans who are striving to walk in holiness the whole time. So even tho your strugle with infertility does not relate to us, you sharing your human side with struggles in general, encourages and reassures our family in more ways then one. I love you! My prayers are with you always.
Melissa.xox
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