Side Effects

So, last night I had no problems with the clomid at all. I feel asleep right away and didn't wake up until morning. Today though I kept noticing that my face would get red and hot just on one side for no apparent reason. I mean my face gets red at the hint of embarrassment, but today it was just out of the blue. I thought it was strange until I remembered that a "red face" is a side effect of the clomid. So I guess that's what was causing it. If that is all that happens I will be happy!

Shannon

HAPPY B-DAY!

Today is my nephews 9th birthday! Happy Birthday Jonah!

Hope you have a good one!

Love,
Auntie Shannon and Uncle Jeff

I made it through!

I'm alive and well... kind of. I'm still sick, but just from a cold I have. I ended up getting to sleep last night at around 1:30am. I'm still kind of thinking that it wasn't the clomid, just my cold. We will see tonight though when I take the next two pills!

Just thought I should update!

Shannon

ITS LATE!!!

So it is 12:30 in the morning here and I am sick. I feel like I am going to puke! I took the first dose of clomid tonight and I am hoping that this is not related. I was so sure that I would not have any side effects... I always figure its mind over matter. Well tonight its head over toilet bowl.

I can't sleep because I keep running to the bathroom. I haven't thrown up yet which makes it even worse because if I did I would probably feel better. I don't think I will... It will just keep me on my toes all night (or knees).

Anyways... just thought I'd keep you posted! Lets hope this is just me being sick and that it doesn't have anything to do with the clomid. I don't want 5 more nights of this!

Good night... well I guess for you.

Shannon

Just Floating Around

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I feel like I am out of touch with everyone I know and love. I haven't been talking to anyone, I have stopped blogging everyday, I just feel like I am floating around in space and the days are just passing by. I think a lot of it is that I have a lot on my mind lately and it's all things that I can't really share with you all. It's just some personal things that I need to work out. So I apologise if I seem to be "strange" lately.

To let you all know, tomorrow I start the clomid, so I am excited about that. I really pray that this will be our month. I just can't imagine ever seeing a + sign on a test! It seems so unreachable to me. I believe when the day comes I won't know whether to cry, scream or laugh. I'll probably do all three!

I haven't been feeling well all day. My throat is swollen and its hard to swallow. I'm going to the drug store to get some Cold F-X tomorrow for Jeff. I REALLY don't want him to get sick. If he gets sick that could mean his sperm are no good for another 3 months. I would really like to know how anyone in the world actually gets pregnant. Its seems so difficult to me. To all of you with children, never think that the child in front of you isn't a miracle. It may have happened quickly for you, but that in and of itself is a miracle.

So hopefully I will be back to my normal self shortly. To all my friends and family who I have not called or talked to for a VERY long time, I'm really sorry! I will talk to you soon.

Shannon

Clomiphene Citrate Tablets it is then...

So Jeff and I met with the doctor today to discuss our options and to hear the results of my blood work from last month. Looks as if everything on my part is normal. I'm ovulating, my thyroid is great, I don't have a tumor at the base of my skull (didn't even know this was a possibility!!) and my uterus is a welcoming and friendly environment for the sperm! So all is good in that area.

So that really just leaves Jeff's sperm quality... which really isn't all that bad. So the doctor prescribed the above mentioned tablets otherwise known as clomid. I start taking it Monday for 5 days (Days 5-9 of your cycle). It stimulates your ovaries so that you produce two eggs rather then one. So twins here we come! The rate of twins is 1 in 10. So you just never know.

They will only do 6 months of clomid. If it doesn't work in that amount of time it won't ever work. If clomid doesn't work we are off to the city for treatments, but the doc said that there is a waiting list for people my age of at least a year. So that sucks. Plus, where as this medication only costs 50 dollars a month, anything after will likely cost up to $10,000 per month. Not a possibility at this point. We'd have to save for a few years to get that kind of money. So if anyone out there is rich... :)

So that's it. We will see on Monday if I have any side effects from the clomid. Some women can't tolerate it. Hopefully I'll be strong!

Shannon

Sorry!

I know, I know... its been days since my last post. And this one won't be too long either! I've been so busy that by the time night comes I'm too tired to think about posts...

I was just interrupted by a lady coming into the office wanting a bible. She saw them on the table through the window. Its 8:30pm here and we just finished our prayer meeting, so God really timed it well!

Anyways.... as I was saying, its been very busy. Mom and Dad arrived last night. We went to the zoo with the youth group today. Had a prayer meeting tonight. Are going to Calgary tomorrow for a meeting about emergency planning for the pandemic. I have rotary tomorrow night. Friday we have dentist appointments in the morning and the doctors appointment in the afternoon. And on Saturday we have a wedding shower to attend!! So as you can see... plenty to do.

So that's it at the moment. Someday soon I will get back into posting every day!

So I bid a good night to all my faithful readers!

Shannon

Home Alone

Jeff left today for Edmonton. He has a meeting at DHQ tomorrow morning so he left this afternoon and is staying at a hotel for the night. I hate when Jeff leaves town. I get so lonely! I guess that happens when you spend almost every minute of the day with someone! I mean we not only live together and sleep together, we work together as well. You'd think I'd like the break... but I don't.

I'm doing alright though. I rented a couple movies and bought a sub from Subway. That should keep my mind off him being gone!

In other news, my parents are going to be coming back with Jeff tomorrow. They are taking a bus from Grande Prairie to Edmonton tomorrow morning and then Jeff will bring them home. I'm excited about that. I love when my mom and dad come here. It makes it seem more homey for some reason. Probably because there is a home cooked meal on the table every day and my house is clean!

So that's about it. I'm going to go and watch some movies and eat a sub! Have a good night all (or day depending on when your reading this!)

Shannon

Jealousy

You know jealousy is not good... nor is it fun. Every time I see a pregnant women I envy her. I see the belly and I just wish that I could have that. I see a baby in a father's arms and I want so badly to see Jeff holding our child. But beyond even the longing to be like them... I'm mad at them too. I know that's crazy, but I hate that they have what I don't have. I feel like a child thats been told they can't have a candy but their best friend has one. Its like, how dare you have a child if I can't!

Now, before anyone gets freaked out, I love you all dearly. And all this is just irrational thoughts. I don't actually hate pregnant people or people with kids! But its hard to fight against that jealousy.

I figured out what my problem is though. I'm putting this child that I so badly want, before God. That's what jealousy is. Its wanting something more then you want the Lord. If I am to stop my jealousy I need to first walk closer with Christ. I need to be willing to sacrifice ever having children, for Him. I need to be willing to accept whatever decision He has made for me whether that mean a child, or no child. And that is hard for me. My whole life I have wanted a baby. I said as a teen that I only needed a husband to get a child! (that has changed now... no worries sweetie!) I am so caught up in what I want that I'm not being attentive to what Christ wants of me.

Now, I may have just wrote all that out... and in a fairy tale I would be cured and everything would be fine. But I have had these thoughts for a long time... and I still have lots of trouble taking my own advice.

I think we all at some point can let worldly things become more important then God. The goal is to break those habits and let God be in control of our lives. And we will see that when He is in control, our lives are much better off.

Shannon

Yum... Ribs!

I'm waiting for my ribs to cook... and I can't wait! So to help the time pass I thought I would blog!

Lets see... well first off, sorry about not posting yesterday. I had a horrible headache that sent me home in the afternoon to sleep. Sleeping and pills didn't really work so that sucked. I was afraid a cold was coming my way... but today things seem fine. Except for sneezing.

I called the Doctor's office today to see if my blood work was actually lost because tomorrow I could go and get the Day 21 test again. I found out that it is all there so I am very relieved. I guess next week at our Doctor's appointment I will finally find out if I am ovulating or not.

I saw my puppy today! She is so gorgeous!! And shes getting big... well as big as one can expect for a chihuahua puppy! The new owners brought her by the office. As soon as she heard my voice her little tail started to wag! It makes me wish I had her all the more. The good news is that our manager has another pregnant dog now, so more puppies will be arriving in April. They are all spoken for which is good cause I won't get attached, but I will get to spoil them like I did this one!

So that's about it. Jeff and I are staying home tonight and just chillin'. We need that!

Talk to you tomorrow... hopefully!

Shannon

Nothing Much

Happy Valentines Day to everyone! Jeff and I went out last night for supper and a movie. We saw "Because I Said So". It was good. Nothing extraordinary... but funny.

I don't have much to tell you today. I've been very tired. We went to Claresholm to check on the Thrift Store there and the whole way back I kept falling asleep. My hubby tells me I have carcalepsy, because I fall asleep as soon as I sit in a vehicle!

I bought yet another baby outfit at the Thrift Store today! This is getting addicting. By the time we do have kids I won't have to buy anything! I also bought a purse.

So that's about it for today. Nothing exciting at all. Sorry to bore you all.

Shannon

I hate doctors!!!

So I phoned for an appointment with my doctor to discuss what we need to do next. I can't get an appointment until next Friday, the 23rd! I'm so frustrated. She is never in her office. The receptionist was reading out her schedule and she is in Calgary doing courses and seminars like every day! This is like the 3rd time I have tried to set up appointments with her and it takes forever. ARGHHH!!

That's life I guess. The ladies on the forum I'm on say that it can take up to a year to actually get going on fertility treatments. Its like the doctors don't care that you've been waiting long enough. There is actually one lady who shared that her doctor told her "Whats one more month when you've been trying for 2 years!" Can you believe it! I think I would have lost my cool at that.

Well, that's my rant for this morning!

Shannon

What a weekend!

I had a pretty good weekend. First off, I'm not sure if i did ovulate last week... my temperatures are all over the place... so there is still a little chance for this month. That's good because it gives me hope. Its amazing how much my mood changes when I know that there is hope and something to look forward to.

Second, on Sunday I shared with the congregation our struggles with infertility. I preached on Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path." It is my favorite Bible Verse and it has gotten me through a lot in my life so far. I shared with them that sometimes we don't understand why God is doing something (or not doing something!), but we need to lean on him and trust that he knows whats best for us. Of course as soon as I shared about our struggles I started crying, and from there the whole sermon kind of flopped! Everyone was very supportive though. It felt good to share this with them. They are like our "family", each and every one of them, and its good to have support from "family".

So that was my weekend. We planned on going to Drumheller to see our friends who had a baby last week, but the weather here has been pretty horrible. It has snowed everyday, almost all day, for well over a week now. Its crazy! So we will head down there maybe next weekend.

So that's it right now. I hope you all had a good weekend. For those who are working this Monday morning... I feel for you! We have the day off today!! YAH!!! Love you all! :)

Shannon

Its done

I just got back from my test and it hurt like hell! It felt like I needed to pee and poop and had the worst possible menstrual cramps, all at the same time. It sucked!! But you will be happy to hear that the results came back normal. So that means there is no blockage in my tubes, and no signs of endometrioisis. And you'd think I'd be happy... and I am... kind of.

You see, I didn't know what I wanted to find out today. If it was something like endometriosis that would have been bad. If it was something like a blocked tube, that would have been kind of good, because its fixable and it would explain why we are still not pregnant.

Normal is not fixable. Something obviously is wrong, and not being able to diagnose it sucks. So I'm happy that things are okay... yet not. Sorry if that doesn't make sense to anyone.

I'm also not happy at my Doctor right now. Supposedly there was a computer failure at her office and they may or may not have lost my blood work from last month. This means that I will have to wait until next month to get them done again, and then wait another month to start any sort of treatment. We have to schedule an appointment with the doctor for next week to sit down and discuss options so we will see then if the computer ate my bloodwork!

So that's my day. Thank you everyone for praying.

Shannon

I'm a nervous wreck

So I go for my test today at 1:00. I wish women didn't have so many hormones. I'm just a wreck today. I've cried enough this morning to make up for a year! I think I am making too much of today, but I just can't seem to help it.

I took a pregnancy test today... and got a faint line. Like I needed that. And no worries to anyone getting excited... it was just an evaporation line.

I will post after my test to let you all know what happened. Please pray that things are okay. I think I will be much better after it is done.

Thanks everyone!

Shannon

Its a bad day... :(

I'm very depressed today. I figured it would happen with the test being tomorrow, but I was hoping that I would be able to ignore it. I've done a decent job of getting through it... but the moment I stop to think I feel like crying.

There are few reasons actually for the feelings. First, this test tomorrow is freaking me out more then I thought it would. Its not because of the test itself, the discomfort or pain, its because I could find out some horrible news tomorrow. This test will direct the future for us. If there is nothing wrong, great! If there is something wrong it could be countless surgeries and drugs and of course a huge load of money. (Fertility treatments can easily cost up to $20,000).

Another reason why I'm pretty bummed out right now is that Jeff is feeling a little sick. If he gets a cold or the flu, it can affect his already poor sperm quality. It would then take another 3 months for the sperm to regenerate. That's a long time!

Yet another reason is that I think I may be ovulating right now. This means that I will miss my chance this month. I was really hoping that I would ovulate late, like last month, but I have all the symptoms of ovulation today. If my egg has already released, tomorrow the dye will get rid of it.

So today just downright sucks. And to top it off I had to volunteer at "healthy moms healthy babies" today. I do the childcare for them twice a month. This morning there was a 9 month old there who was sick with a cold. What really gets to me is that his Mom smokes around them all the time. The poor kid can hardly breath as it is because of the smoke, never mind with a cold. So as I held him and rocked him to sleep I had to hold back tears once again as I thought of how unfair all of this is. In our line of work we see so many families that really don't deserve to have kids. Its hard not to want to take them and raise them as our own.

So that's it for today... sorry for being such a cry baby. There is a moment of joy coming to end my day with though.... Survivor starts tonight!! YAH!! So that will cheer me up!

Shannon

Miracles

Heres a video that I have found very helpful this year. Its a bit of a tear jerker. Enjoy!

um.. goodnight brain

All I can think about is babies and being pregnant and it is driving me nuts! I haven't been this obsessed for a long, long time. I closed off much of my emotions a long time ago, mainly, I believe, to protect myself. I don't think I could cope with this type of emotional roller coaster every month. I'd go insane!

Everything I see, or do reminds me of being pregnant or having a child. Do you know how many times the commercial for home pregnancy tests comes on in one night? A lot! I walk by the spare room (Or as we call it.. the babies room) and I envision how I will set everything up. I sit in our living room and I imagine where I will put the toys, and the high chair. Literally, everything I do somehow makes me think of babies!!

Today was kind of stupid too because I was nauseous and having to go pee a lot, which of course are signs of pregnancy... which is impossible since I am way too early in my cycle for all that. But my brain just automatically thinks..."I must be pregnant!". This doesn't help because my exam is on Friday and if I am pregnant, the test will terminate it. So I think my worries about all of that is making my body play tricks on me. I shouldn't ovulate until after the test.

If someone knows a way to turn off your brain... please let me know!

Good night all!
Shannon

My Little Doggy

So this probably won't be the last time I post today... but I thought I should share with you a picture of my little puppy. Isn't it just the cutest thing! Now you know why I fell in love!

My doggy went to its new home on Sunday. Supposedly she is doing well there. I miss her tons.

Anyways, I'll probably write more later!

Shannon

A Pretty Good Day

Today has been another decently relaxing day. Mondays are usually our day off, and I only had to work this morning so far! So not bad!

I bought more baby clothes today. Nothing near as cute as that first outfit, but nice enough! I even got a boy one, just in case! ;-)

Last night I tried on some maternity clothes that I got from a friend of mine. That was a neat thing. Just to see a pretend belly. (Well, unfortunately I didn't have to "pretend" much!). There were some really nice shirts in there.

My Friend, Allison, had a baby boy yesterday. His name is Aaron Micah Downey. He was 9 lbs 3 oz! So a big one! Congrats guys!

I think that's about it. Sorry for all these boring posts lately! As Friday gets closer and closer I imagine that my posts will become a little more interesting as I fret about the test. So stay tuned!

Shannon

Oh No... I missed one!

I missed a post yesterday! The first one since I started this! Oh well, it was a pretty lazy day anyway.

Today has gone pretty well. There was a good turn out at church and I preached and didn't make too big of a flop! OH.. and I got to talk to my Mom today. So I was really happy about that. We also made plans for her to phone on Friday after my test so that I can let her know the details. So that helps relieve my mind. Also, Jeff and I watched a movie today, "A Good Woman". It was quite good.

That's about it! Its a boring day which is just fine with me! This week is budget week, so we will be very busy getting that together, so a day to relax is nice.

I hope you all have had a good day. I'll write tomorrow!

Shannon

Mom... where are you?

I love my mom and dad. They are wonderful parents and have always been great supporters of my calling, my decisions, and my life in general.

For those who don't know, my parents are working at oil camps in northern Alberta. My Mom is the second cook and my dad is the camp attendant. Sometimes they get to go to a camp that has cell phone access. Other times, like right now, they are so far out in the woods that there isn't a chance that a cell phone would work! I believe they are near the Yukon boarder actually.

I like to talk to my Mom (a lot) and especially in these past few years. You see, my mom had trouble getting pregnant as well. She was diagnosed with endometriosis. It took many years for her to get pregnant. And for all those years she went through the same heartbreaks that I have been going through.. seeing others having babies, seeing people who don't want to be pregnant having babies and having to put your life on hold as you spend time, emotions, and money on treatments.

My Mom is the only other person that I know personally that has gone through what I am going through. And not having her here to talk to has been a little difficult. Especially with us now going to doctors and having tests done. My biggest fear right now is that next week at my HSG Dye Test I will find out I have endometriosis and I won't be able to talk to her about it. I mean no offense to any of my family and friends reading this, you would all be very supportive, but my mom would truly understand.

So I am very sad that I cannot talk to her right now, but I am praying that the test will go fine and I won't need her shoulder to cry on. I am also hoping that she will be placed in a new and closer camp soon!

I love you Mom!

Shannon

Age...

I'm 25 years old. Now I know that I am not old, but each year that passes by I get a little more tense about this baby thing. Not because I feel I will be too old to have kids, but that I will be too old when they move out!! Don't laugh! I always dreamed of having kids young so that by the time they are off to college, I would only be in my early 40's. That would be awesome! I mean there are some women who are only just starting their families at 40!

I know that this is all very silly, but I really do hate that the months pass by and that even if I get pregnant now and everything went as planned (I want to have 3 kids... well right now I want three... ask me again after the first!), I will be 30 by the time I have my last. That means I will be almost 50 before they leave the house! Not bad, but still 40 would be much better!

So, most of you are probably laughing at me right now, and rightly so! I'm laughing at the stupidity of it to! But come on... wouldn't you love to be young(er) when the kids left the nest?

Shannon :)