Baby's first Christmas... in heaven

It's Christmas morning for us!  We are so thankful to be done with the work side of Christmas (it has been a stressful and tiring month) and are looking forward to this time off but my heart is heavy this morning as I think about my  babies that should still be here with us. :(  This Christmas was suppose to be different.  This Christmas I was suppose to be excited for the coming year and the arrival of our little ones.  If I were still pregnant with Esme and Zane I would be 30 weeks today.  I would be making final preperations for their arrival.  If I were still carrying Gabe I would be approaching the 12 week mark in a few days and would probably be finding a little relief to be done with the first trimester.  But I'm not pregnant.  Once again Christmas will come and go and we will be childless.  It's so hard sometimes not to just give up and let sorrow and grief over take me.  This is not where I thought I would be 10 years into our marriage.  I really thought by now that we would have had a child either by birth or adoption.  And here I still sit with empty arms.  Sigh... 

Someone posted this poem on my forum yesterday and I wanted to share it...

"First Christmas"

I hear that on the Earth below
This is a special season
With lights and songs and gifts and such,
And Jesus is the reason!

In the place I would have lived
Are strings of light that blink and shine,
But you should see the light up here
That glows from Jesus all the time!

In the place I would have lived
Carols play, and special songs,
But you should hear the music that
The angels sing here all day long!

In the place I would have lived,
Gifts are giv’n on Christmas Day,
But you should feel the joy we feel
Because God’s gift is here to stay!

In the place I would have lived,
Tears have flowed because I’m gone.
My family wishes I were there
To see and hear and feel it all.

But in this place where I now live,
It’s Christmas all day, all year long,
And the sights and sounds I’d see with them
Are pure, unblemished by all wrong.

So on this day that would have been
My first Christmas on the Earth,
Mama, Daddy, you need to know
I’m celebrating Jesus’ birth!

When you sing songs to worship Him,
I’m singing with the angels, too.
I’m never closer than when we all
Praise Him for our life anew.

I know this life began for me
Sooner than you thought it would.
I know your hearts are hurting now,
And you would change things if you could.

But in this place, where you’ll come, too,
We’ll be together, forever.
And there will be no more good-byes
When we celebrate Christmas in heaven – together! 

I miss my babies and I can't wait until the day I get to meet them in Heaven and celebrate Christmas with them there.

The Cord

The Cord

 

We are connected,

My child and I, by

An invisible cord,

Not seen by the eye.

 

It’s not like the cord

That connects us ‘til birth

This cord can’t be seen

By any on earth.

 

 

This cord does its work

Right from the start.

It binds us together

Attached to my heart.

 

 

I know that it’s there

Though no one can see

The invisible cord

From my child to me.

 

 

The strength of this cord,

It’s hard to describe,

It can’t be destroyed

It can’t be denied.

 

 

It’s stronger than any cord

Man could create.

It withstands the test

Can hold any weight.

 

 

And though you are gone,

Though you’re not here with me,

The cord is still there

But no one can see.

 

 

It pulls at my heart

I am bruised, I am sore.

But the cord is my lifeline

As never before

 

 

I am thankful that God

Connects us this way

A Mother and Child

Death can’t take it away

(Author Unknown)

 

 

 

I found this poem last night and thought it was so beautiful.  I know that sometimes to those that are around me I can seem like everything is okay and I'm doing alright, but that Cord that connects me to my babies is strong and sometimes it really just pulls me so hard that I feel like my heart could break in half.  I know I will be okay... I know that time heals.  But it does leave a scar.

 

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the Doctor... I am both thankful and scared.  I am thankful that this time I am going to see a doctor... last time I didn't have any medical attention and I felt kind of lost and alone in the whole ordeal.  But I'm scared because this appointment was originally set up as my first prenatal appointment.  I would have been 7 weeks today.  I didn't realise how hard it would be to keep the same appointment.  Plus I have to go to the women's clinic which I'm sure will be filled with pregnant women.  I'm really praying I can keep it together while I am there.

 

As always, would appreciate your prayers.  Thanks everyone.

 

 

We've Lost Another One

I know I promised that I would write updates as we went through our FET journey but I never seemed to find the time to write. As you may have guessed from my title, we were very fortunate and blessed to conceive again but unfortunately at 5 weeks 3 days on November 15th we miscarried again. I just don't have the energy to write our story out at the moment. Maybe someday... we will see.

 

It has only been a little over a week since we lost our little Gabriel (Gabe for short). Right from day one I felt that this one was a boy. I kept saying that if it came out a girl it would end up having an identity crisis! Gabriel means "God is my strength". Right now, it is definitely God's strength that is keeping me going.

 

I'm really missing my babies tonight. It seems like everywhere around me are reminders of what we don't have... of what we lost. It's only been a week since we found out for sure that we miscarried Gabe and it feels like an eternity. I can't believe that I am now a Mother of three (well three miscarried babies... We also have 23 other little ones, lost as embryos) in heaven. We have been TTC for nearly 9 years and somedays I wish I could go back to the "simpler" time of just having infertility to grieve over. But then I also think of how grateful I am that at least I have children... even if they are waiting for us in heaven.

 

Esme, Zane, Gabe and my 23 precious little ones...

 

I love you and I miss you! I can't wait for the day that I get to meet you in heaven and hug and kiss you. I wish we could have met this side of heaven but I am thankful that you are spending eternity in your heavenly home. Someday we will all get to be a family together, but until then I will hold you each in my heart.

 

Love your Mom

We Have The Dates!

We finally have the dates for our upcoming FET (frozen embryo transfer)!  We had to wait until my cycle started to know for sure when things would be happening.  So, if all goes well here's what will happen...

On October 22nd we have our first ultrasound at the clinic to check my lining.  They will want to see that it is between 7mm and 12mm in thickness.  For our IVF cycle my lining was at 11.4mm so they don't expect that I will have any issues.  However, you never know what your body will do and what worked one month might not work the next.

If my lining looks good then we will transfer our embryo on October 26th.  Thawing embryos can be tricky and there is a chance that our embryo will not survive the thaw.  We are praying hard that this will not happen.  IF our little one doesn't make it they will take out another one and thaw that one.  And if that one doesn't make it they will go to the next and so on and so on.  There is a chance that by the end of this month we will have lost all our babies.  That is probably the scariest part for me right now.  The idea of losing our 5 babies without them ever having a chance to live inside of me even if only for a couple weeks makes my heart stop a beat.  That will be the most devastating outcome.

If our embryo thaws well though (please Lord let that be the case) they will transfer it that Friday and then we will be into our 2ww.  Our Beta test for pregnancy will be on November 7th.  I haven't determined yet if we will take a HPT (home pregnancy test) before that.  Part of me likes the idea of not knowing for as long as possible so that if the result is negative I can "pretend" for a few more days.  I guess we will see when the time comes.

So that's the plan for now.  If those dates change I will keep you all updated.  Please continue praying for our little embryo and that he/she thaws well and will be able to snuggle in tight.

Naming Our Little Ones

A couple weeks ago I decided that I would like to give names to the two babies we lost through the miscarriage.  While I am sad that we lost 23 embryo's and I love them all dearly, the two we miscarried have left a little bigger of an impression on my heart.  To have had them live inside me for 6 weeks I think made our connection to them a little deeper.  I felt it would be nice to be able to refer to them by names sometimes rather than always "little ones".

I wanted names that had meaning, not necessarily names that we would have chosen had they lived.  I scoured through baby name sites and started a list of names that had meanings I liked.  Two stood out on the list so we decided to go with those.

The first name is Esme.  Esme means Loved.  As soon as we transferred our two little embryos I had a strong feeling that one was a girl.  For this reason I felt comfortable going with a female name.  I think the meaning says it all.  Our little girl was and is Loved. 

The second name is Zane.  Zane means Gift from God or God is Gracious.  I don't have any feelings about whether the second baby was a girl or a boy so I wanted something that was unisex (though I must admit I think of Zane as a boys name first).  This little baby was an incredible gift from God and through this whole experience God's Grace has been so evident to us.  The meaning is yet again perfect for our little one.

So, we miss our little Esme and Zane and all our little ones in Heaven and we thank God everyday that he saw fit to bless us with their lives no matter how short they were.

I AM A MOM

I have 30 children... and all but five live in Heaven. Four of my babies lived only two days, nineteen lived for four days, two lived for thirty days and five are still living waiting for the chance to hopefully snuggle into my womb and grow healthy and strong until we can meet and hold them in our arms.

Some may not agree with me. There are many debates about when life begins. I believe it starts at conception. The moment my egg and Jeff's sperm fused together it created a unique set of genes and therefore a unique child... and I became a mom. I do not know if they have red hair or blond; blue eyes or green; or if they are tall or short. I don't even know how many are my sons and how many are my daughters. What I do know is that they're perfect and beautiful and they are mine.

The bible tells us that when we die we have a new body in heaven... A perfect one with no flaws or scars. How beautiful that my children never had to experience the pain of this world! They never had to experience a scrapped knee, a broken heart, or the loss of a loved one. I know that some of you will say that while they may have been saved from pain and suffering they also missed out on the good things of this world. I disagree! This world has NOTHING on our Heavenly home. My children are NOT missing out. They are living in paradise!! So quickly after their souls were born they got to meet their creator! How amazing is that!

While I selfishly wish that they were here with me I really couldn't have asked for a better life for my children! And while I wholeheartedly believe that, I know I will and am praying that God will see fit to bless me with one of my babies here on earth so that I don't have to wait so long to feel their hugs or hear their voice.

This past Monday I started my medication for our upcoming FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). By the end of October we hope to be able to transfer one of our five frozen babies. I am looking forward to being united with my child but I'm scared. So many things can go wrong. First, it isn't a guarantee that the embryo will thaw well and we may lose one or more in the process. If they do survive the thaw and are transferred there is no guarantee that they will implant. And if they do implant there is no guarantee that they will snuggle in for the long haul. I love my frozen children... even as tiny as they are. To lose them will be devastating... no matter at what point.

It is my plan this time to keep everyone updated on our journey to getting pregnant again. While I would love to be able to keep everything a secret and then hopefully surprise everyone with an announcement there is no way for us to hide the fact (at least from the people we are close to) that we are traveling to Vancouver at the end of the month. It wouldn't take long for people to figure out why we went there! (I have no doubts you are all smart enough to put two and two together! lol!). So instead this time we decided we would just keep everyone updated and that way we can record our journey here so that I can look back on it (and maybe educate people about the process or help someone out who is going through it themselves) but also, and most importantly, I can have people praying for us as we go. I'm not sure you all realize how AMAZING Jeff and I find it to know that our journey to parenthood is covered in prayer not only by friends and family but also by people we have never met! I know that our story has affected many people through the years and when we grieve you grieve and when we are happy you are happy. For that reason I am honored to share our lives with you.

So as these next few weeks progress I'll share with you what is happening and where we are in the process. Please begin praying now for our little embryo that we hope to transfer. Also, I would really appreciate prayers for Jeff and I as we walk this path again.... it's scary I admit and every so often I allow myself to start worrying rather than trusting in God's plan for us. Prayers for peace and strength would be great! Thanks everyone!

Memorial Necklace

This is the memorial necklace that I had made to remember my precious little ones.  If I ever miscarry again I can add an EDD (Estimated Due Date) birthstone to the necklace.  I pray of course that there will only ever be these two on here, but we never know our future.  Proverbs 3:5-6 is my favorite bible verse and has been since I was a teenager.  It has helped me through so many tough times, especially in my IF journey.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." - Proverbs 3:5-6

Sorrow

I would have been twelve weeks today.  This week would have been an exciting and relief filled one as I entered into the second trimester.   It is this week that I probably would have relaxed a little more and felt a little more sure that there were healthy babies growing in my belly. But, instead of relief I'm feeling much sorrow at the fact that my babies are gone. 

I'm at our leadership camp this week and seeing many of my colleagues with their young children has been incredibly hard.  Seeing, especially, how much their children look like them opens wider the wound on my heart.  It's been many years since I've felt this kind of pain when looking at others children.  The beauty of long term infertility is that, with God's strength, you learn to cope and be happy when you see things that would normally hurt.  I guess the miscarriage has added a new level to my pain and so I find that I am having to learn how to adjust again.  

I am so thankful to the Lord to know that no  matter how much my heart aches right now I can lean on His arms and trust Him to hold me up.  I'm also thankful for Jeff.  He's Been good these last few days at asking how I'm doing and just listening to my thoughts rather than doing the typical guy thing of trying to "fix things".  

I know that this pain too shall pass and I know that I will come out the other side a stronger person, but I admit that while I'm in it it is hard to not just wallow in my pain and pity for myself.  I would love your prayers as always.

Taken to soon...

July 12th, 2012 will forever be etched into my brain... it was the day that my precious little ones, the tiny little beings that I had prayed for for so long went to be with Jesus. 

I promised in my last post to tell you about seeing those two beautiful lines on a pregnancy test and I really want to be able to document our story here so even though we know the ending came far to soon I still want to share the joy we had over finding out we were pregnant. 

This is the post I had started writing but didn't get a chance to post...

_______________________________________________

So here's the continuing story of our journey to seeing two lines!


*note:  There may be TMI (Too much information) ahead!!


We arrived home from Vancouver on June 21st.  The first few days back I was still taking it easy as I wasn't out of the woods for getting OHSS.  I felt fine, and could no longer feel my ovaries, but that didn't mean that they weren't still enlarged.  As well HCG, the pregnancy hormone, is what starts OHSS so if I did end up getting pregnant I had a higher chance of getting it.  So I took it easy, which is hard when you feel fine and want to get back into life!


On Saturday, June 23rd I decided I would take a HPT (home pregnancy test) fully expecting to see a negative since I was only 10dpo (days past ovulation).  I waited about 1 minute and saw the control line pop up and no second line so I threw it away.  Later on I took it out of the trash and saw a VERY faint line.  I thought it was an evaporation line and so threw it away again.


On Sunday I took another test and did the same thing... waited a minute or so, saw the control line pop up and no other line, decided it was negative and threw it out.  I went to church that morning feeling slightly discouraged, but not too bad since it was still really early to see a positive.  After church I started to get a little worried because I felt I had overdone it and was now getting really bad cramps.  On the way home I told Jeff that I felt like AF (Aunt Flow aka. Period) was coming since my cramps were getting really bad and was starting to go into my back.  Sure enough when I got home and used the bathroom there was blood when I wiped.  Immediately I knew in my heart that we were out of the game.  Jeff asked if it could be implantation bleeding (about 30% of women get this when the embryo burrows into the lining of the uterus) and my head said it could be, but for some reason my heart said it wasn't.  I went out to the living room and started to pray.


All through this journey Jeff and I have been praying that God's will be done.  We do not want a child outside of His will.  If that means that we never get pregnant, that we go through all of this and spend tons of money and not get a positive then so be it.  On that Sunday when I thought everything was over I felt a peace from God even though I was heartbroken.  A couple hours later I needed to take my progesterone suppository.  I knew that if the applicator had lots of red blood (fresh blood) on it then it was over.  So before inserting it I prayed earnestly... "Lord if you want these two babies then take them.  They have always been and always will be yours first, mine second."  Well, praise the Lord the applicator was basically clean!!  In that moment I knew that God had tested me.  I knew that he was testing my prayers... it felt like an Abraham and Isaac moment (if you don't know that story check our Genesis 22:1-18).  I knew then in that moment that we were pregnant.


On Tuesday I decided I would take another HPT in the morning.  I thought for sure it would be positive because of Sunday's amazing turnout.  Well, once again I waited until the control line popped up and when no second line appeared I threw it away and walked away wondering what was going on.  I was in the living room praying when I felt that I should go take another look at the test.  Well, low and behold there was a second line!  It was fairly faint but it was there!  I wasn't excited though because it was now 20 minutes past the window of time that you are suppose to read the results.  I was a little worried it was an evaporation line.  I decided to take another one at lunch time but as the morning progressed I felt more and more confident that I had seen for the first time in 8 years of TTC a positive pregnancy test.

At this point I hadn't told Jeff about any of the tests I had taken.  I wanted to be able to surprise him.  Sometime in the first few months of TTC I had bought a tiny little coke glass for Jeff planning on using that to tell him we were pregnant.  I have had it wrapped and sitting in my nightstand ever since.  I went home at lunch and took another test and this time watched the second line appear in the allotted time.  I was so happy to see that second line!  I wrapped it up and put it in the bag with the tiny coke glass and put it on the computer desk for Jeff to find when he came home.  Jeff came home at supper time and went straight to the office.  I went in behind him to see his reaction.  He opened the bag up and looked inside and asked "Is it positive?"  I laughed and said well it would be pretty silly to wrap a negative test! lol!

We were both really happy and excited to finally be at this point in our infertility journey.  We decided to go out for supper to celebrate.  It was so great to be able to talk about our little ones knowing they had decided to snuggle in.  We talked about the future and what it would be like to have two if they both had implanted.  I couldn't stop touching my belly knowing that my little ones were there.

The next day we decided to tell our family and close friends.  We took pictures of me holding the pregnancy test in front of a T-shirt Jeff had bought me that said 'Finally".  Here's the picture...

We sent the picture to our parents and friends... it was fun to be able to tell them that we had good news.  No one was expecting the news until the next week when I would have my beta test (blood test for pregnancy).  We had planned it that way so that we could have at least a little surprise like a normal couple would.

The next day we announced it on Facebook... a decision that we thought and prayed about long and hard.  I couldn't make up my mind... do we share now or wait until we are out of the first trimester?  We decided that all through our journey of infertility and adoption loss we have been honest and open about our lives.  Because of that we have met new friends, have had people pray for us from all over the world and people have become invested in our lives.  For that reason we knew we had to share our good news with the world.  We owed it to the people who love us to celebrate with us the miracle of our little babies and we knew that if anything happened and our little ones were taken too soon we would need to rely on the strength and prayers from our friends.  I was so nervous when I pressed the "post" button, but the moment the first comment came in I knew we had made the right decision. 

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Our first Beta test came back at 301 on Friday.  It was a great first number and we were so happy.  Unfortunately on Sunday I had more bleeding again.  It was just spotting but scary none the less.  I knew though that spotting can be very normal in early pregnancy and as long as there were no cramps we were probably okay.  I took the afternoon and evening easy and thankfully the spotting was gone by that night.  The next day I went shopping with my sister-in-law for a couple hours and again the spotting started up.  I decided then that I should probably take it easy as it seemed that I only had bleeding when I was on my feet for a while.

I had my second Beta test done on that Thursday.  That day I had more bleeding... but this time it was a little more than just spotting.  I called the clinic sure that I was miscarrying and they told me that my Beta from that morning wasn't great.  Your beta numbers should double every 48-72 hours.  Ours had only gone up to 898... that meant it had a doubling time of 91 hours.  We still had hope though that maybe one of our children was still holding on and we had lost a twin.  While we were sad to even think of losing one of them we hoped and prayed that we would have one healthy baby.  The bleeding stopped again by that night after I rested for the rest of the afternoon and evening.

After that day I put myself on bedrest and for four days I had no bleeding.  My symptoms were starting to increase and I was feeling a little more pregnant.  I was getting hopeful that our next Beta would show the appropriate doubling but at the same time was preparing myself for the worse.

I had my 3rd Beta done on Monday.  The next day we had a meeting at the church that I had to go to.  While we were sitting at the meeting I felt a little wet and went to the washroom.  I was devastated... I was bleeding... not spotting.  The toilet water was red.  I went back out to the meeting and told Jeff with my eyes and a little shake of my head that things weren't good.  We made it through the meeting and went home.  I thought for sure that was it... it was over.  I ate lunch and not ten minutes later it came back up... I thought this was a good sign!  Nausea is a good pregnancy symptom!  But I figured when the nurses called later with my results they would say that they hadn't risen but dropped.  Well to my surprise they did rise!  But, they still didn't double like they should have.  They went from 898 to 1710 in 4 days.  The nurse held out hope that maybe my betas just weren't going to double like normal and that there are women who go on to have healthy babies after having slow doubling betas.  My bleeding had slowed down and I wasn't having cramps so we thought once again that being on my feet had brought on the bleeding.  So I went back to bed and stayed there.

On Thursday, July 12th I had another Beta.  I went to the hospital had the blood test and came home.  I was feeling fine and hadn't had any bleeding since Tuesdays scare.  By lunch time I was having cramps but put them off to gas.  That afternoon I went to my sis-in-laws house and picked up a couple items at Walmart.  I took it easy the whole way, walking slow like I would at home.  As the afternoon progressed my "gas" pains were getting a little worse.  By the time I got home they were starting to feel more and more like period cramps.  At supper time I went to the washroom and passed a large clot.  I knew then that I was miscarrying.  I didn't want to believe it.  I went and laid on my bed with Jeff and realised that my cramps were coming and going... like contractions.  We timed them... and sure enough every five minutes they came.  I was devastated but numb.  I knew this was it... my babies were dead and my body was trying to get rid of them. 

The contractions were intense... hard to describe.  They were painful but bearable.  I didn't want to take any medication... just in case I was wrong.  I got in the bath and that helped a little.  Thankfully that night I slept.  I woke in the morning not wanting to go to the washroom for fear of what I would find.  Sure enough, the moment I stood I could feel the contractions and when I went to the washroom there was blood and lots of clots.  I called the clinic to let them know what was happening and they called back at 9:00am.  They confirmed what I already knew... I was indeed miscarrying.  My beta level had dropped to 221.

That day was a blur.  That weekend was a blur actually.  I was feeling okay and other than a few tears here and there I was able to carry on.  The contractions were still coming on strong and pain meds weren't taking them away.  By Monday they had stopped and I was only bleeding lightly.  I had another Beta test that day which came back at 20.  I was happy that my levels were dropping quickly and it looked like I would miscarry everything naturally and wouldn't need any medical intervention. 

Tuesday was the day that I finally grieved.  Jeff had left for work and was going to go in later in the morning.  As I was getting ready in the bathroom the dam finally let loose and I sank to my knees and cried.  My heart broke into a million pieces as I finally realised what had happened.  I couldn't stop crying.  I went to work but had to come home... my tears wouldn't stop.  I was overwhelmed by sadness.  I was terrified of the future.  Would God take my other 5 little babies?  Would I have to go through this all over again?  Would I have to lose them all?  Maybe we are meant to be childless?

I struggled all that day.  I wasn't mad at God for taking them... I meant it when I prayed that he could take them since they are HIS first.  I was worried however that I wouldn't be strong enough for the journey he had planned for us.  When it comes to us having a family we have had so many struggles and loses.  Could I really make it through more??

By the next day I was feeling better.  I had prayed and grieved and while I was still incredibly sad I could feel already God's strength coming through.  That week was difficult... I desperately wanted my babies back.  But each day I grew stronger and each day I could feel my heart healing.

And here we are today... here I sit with an empty womb, a heavy heart and tears in my eyes.  BUT, I also sit here with knowledge that my children are sitting in the arms of Jesus, they have met my Nan I'm sure and she is taking good care of them and loving them for me.  I also sit here feeling peace and strength from God and his arms of comfort around me.  It's been just over two weeks and I am amazed and so thankful for the healing he has brought me in such a short time.  I know that it is because we prayed from the beginning that if this was to be the outcome that he would give us the strength to deal with it... and of course he has come through for us as always.

I can't thank you all enough for your prayers and encouragement.  I'm sad that we have had to depend on those prayers so many times in our journey but so incredibly thankful that we have so many people behind us lifting us up when we are at our lowest.  From the bottom of my heart... Thanks.

And to my sweet little ones... I miss you.  I only had you for a few short weeks but in that time you gave me my greatest dream... to be a mom.  I may not ever get to hear you say "mommy" on this earth but I know that someday when we are reunited in heaven I will get to hug you and hear your sweet voices.  I love you!

Love your Mom.

Big News!

I'm back!!  And with BIG news!  I need to change the name of this blog to "Thoughts and Feelings of a Soon-to-be-mother!!  We're PREGNANT!!

I'm sorry I've been absent for so long.  I haven't been in the mood to write the last while... probably because I felt like I just said the same things over and over again!  8 years of that was kind of getting boring... but, I have a feeling the posts will be a little different now! ;)

So here's our journey to seeing two lines on a pregnancy test....

As I mentioned way back Jeff and I decided that we would go ahead with IVF.  We had hoped for February but things didn't move as fast as we had hoped and so it ended up being June before we could do it.  We went to the Genesis Fertility Clinic in Vancouver.  They were AWESOME!  And I'm not just saying that because we are pregnant... even if it was a negative outcome I would still be pleased.  They were super friendly, knowledgeable and didn't make the whole process seem so clinical.

I started doing my injections May 31st.  Everything came in powder form so I had to mix each vial with saline.  Thankfully they could all be mixed in the same vial so I only needed to do one injection each day in the beginning.  Here's the first load of medication I got... there was MUCH, MUCH more as I progressed!



On June 3rd we flew down to Vancouver, rented a car and headed to our friends condo.  They have a guest suite there that we were able to rent for really cheap.  We couldn't have done this whole thing without Noel and Julie.  We went there thinking we would cook all our own meals since we didn't want to be a burden on them, but they ended up taking care of everything for us.  This was an incredible blessing as I wasn't able to stand around much and spent most of my time sitting or lying down. 

The next morning we went in for the first of many blood tests. At first I was slow to respond so they kept increasing my medications (ouch on a couple levels... one it meant more shots (my poor stomach looked like a minefield).  Two, each vial cost $75 dollars... we were spending about $500 every couple days).  Eventually I was taking a shot at 6:00am, 9:30am and 6:00pm.  It made going out places like dinner or a movie a little difficult and I would end up bringing along all my medications with me.  Our friends, Brenda and Rick came across from the Island to spend a couple days with us and while we were at IKEA I needed to take my meds, so we went to the "Baby Care Room" to do them.  We thought it was quite appropriate! :)

On day 9 of stimming (the term for the stimulation phase) they did my first ultrasound.  The Dr. wasn't overly pleased with how my follicles were looking... he said I had lots of really small ones and only a few that were the size they would like to see by then.  They increased my meds again and he mentioned that he figured the little ones would take off in the next few days.  Well he predicted right.  Two days later I went back and I had 14 good size follicles and many smaller ones.  We were really pleased to hear that 14 were almost mature... that would be a great number for the embryo retrieval.  We went home from the appointment feeling very good. 

The next day, June 11th, we went for our last ultrasound.  It was a different doctor who did it and the moment she put the ultrasound wand in she was shocked!  All my smaller follicles had grown overnight.  However, she still counted about 15 really good size ones and we figured the smaller ones wouldn't be viable (wouldn't have a mature egg in them).  She told us that we would be doing our retrieval in a couple days.  They were concerned however that my estrodial levels (E2 levels) were really high.  This meant that I was at risk of developing Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome a painful condition where fluids start leaking into your abdomen and cause a multitude of problems (like bloating, vomiting, diarrhea).  It can be mild (just monitor it at home) to severe (where they hospitalize you and drain fluids through needles from your abdomen and lung cavity).  Because of this the doctor decided to "trigger" (a shot that matures the eggs) me differently using a different drug,  We hoped that this drug would work and I wouldn't develop OHSS.

On June 13th we went in for our egg retrieval.  When we got to the clinic they put an IV in (after several tries!) and gave me some medication to relax me... I was already pretty relaxed so it didn't do anything!  Jeff went to give his sample and sign all the paperwork making sure they had all the correct information.  Then they took us into the procedure room.  They gave me medication that they told me would make me feel like I had several glasses of wine... to which I replied I've never drank so I don't know what that feels like! lol!  They couldn't believe that!  So they gave me the lowest dose and said if I needed more they could give it to me.  The room spun a little bit but I was able to carry a conversation with everyone while they retrieved the eggs.  Jeff was able to be there with me so that was really nice.

Once again as they put the Ultrasound guided needle in they were shocked by how big my ovaries were and how many follicles there were.  The doctor and the nurses were quite amazed.  I told them that a couple days before I was walking with Jeff to Tim Horton's across from our hotel and could feel them jiggle as I walked! lol!  They had no doubt about that!  I think my ovaries went from the size of plums to the size of grapefruits!  So, quite the increase!  Anyways, the retrieval was not painful at all and the best part is that Jeff and I could watch them drain the follicles on the screen.  She would poke the needle into the follicle and then suction out the fluid inside which contained the egg.  On the screen you watch the black hole shrink down to nothing and then disappear!  It's very neat! 

The embryologist is right there in the next room collecting the fluid and looking for eggs.  As they collected them they told us the numbers... 1 egg.... 8 eggs.... 20 eggs... and then that was where they stopped.  I was so pleased with that number, thinking that was the total.  Well, they cleaned me up and sent me out to the recovery area and a few minutes later I see the Doctor coming towards me.  She says "you have made the embryologist very mad!  They collected 40 EGGS!  They're going to be here all night!!" lol!  She laughed and said that they have never seen that many eggs collected at the clinic.  We were in shock!  I did not expect to get 40 eggs!  I guess all of our little follicles had eggs in them after all!

Here we are after the retrieval...  They gave us juice and a cookie! :)



The next day we got the call from the embryologist with our fertilization report.  Of the 40 eggs collected, 34 were mature.  Those 34 were fertilized using ICSI, a process where they inject a single sperm into each egg (hence the reason why they would be there all night! It's a long process!).  Of those 34 mature eggs, 30 took and became embryos.  We were in shock!  30 Embryos!!  Considering we went into this process knowing that we would use every embryo we created we were a little panicked!!  Obviously there would be no way we could use that many embryos!  We prayed lots that day that God would give us peace about what we were doing.  We knew that he was in control and we trusted that he would look out for us.  We thought, if he's giving us this many then there is a purpose for that... maybe that is how many we need to get the size family he wants for us. 

On day 3, June 16th, we got the call that we needed to come in for the transfer.  We were shocked!  We thought we would be called in for a Day 5 transfer.  Day 5 transfers have a higher success rate since by that stage if an embryo has survived you know that they are strong.  Considering that we had 30 embryos I was sure that we would make it to day 5.  Unfortunately the 26 embryos that were left (4 had arrested over night) were all Grade C (fair) and only 12 were at the cell development they should have been by that day (6-8 cells).  They decided it was better to do a day 3 transfer just in case none of them made it to day 5. 

We got ready and headed down to the clinic a little nervous about having to a Day 3 but excited that we were at this point.  I had to drink a litre of water an hour before my ultrasound and by the time I was brought into the procedure room I was in PAIN.  Just sitting down was excruciating!  The nurse asked me if I wanted to go release a little bit but I refused because I figured I would end up not being able to stop! lol!  Because of my full bladder the transfer was the most painful part of the whole IVF journey.  Also, because I was terrified of peeing on the doctor I was clenching... which made it impossible for them to get the catheter into my uterus! So, once they figured that out they made me relax and it all went well after that.  They transferred TWO Grade C 8-cell embryos.  Here's our future child(rens) first picture...

After the transfer we went back to our guest suite and I pretty much stayed in bed for the next 5 days until we flew home.  We went out a couple times, but just for a few minutes and barely any walking.  One, I wasn't really feeling up to it and two I wanted to make sure I gave my ovaries as much rest as possible.  OHSS was still a big concern.  I drank tons of water and Gatorade and tried to eat lots of protein... all things they say can help.  Thankfully I didn't get any signs of OHSS which is quite the miracle considering how many Eggs I had.

On Day 6 we got the call about our remaining Embryos.  Of the 26 that were still growing on Day 3, five were able to be frozen for future use!  We were so thankful to God and amazed at how he works!  When we first found out we had 30 Embryos we were so scared that we would have too many left.  Hearing that we had 5 embryos frozen was just perfect!!  That means that if every Embryo makes it (which is highly unlikely unfortunately) we would have at the most 7 children.  Now, I know all you parents of 2 or 3 are laughing at that... but at least 7 is a "doable" number... not like 26 which would be humanly IMPOSSIBLE!  If God so desires for each one to make it and we end up with 7 children then I also know that he will provide for us and give us the strength and patience needed.  I believe wholeheartedly that He is is in control... we may get 7 children, 5 children, 3... and maybe even none out of all this.  Either way I know now that we can and will use each embryo.

So I'm going to be mean and stop here for the time being.  Hopefully in the next couple days I'll get a chance to write about how we found out we were pregnant and how we told family and friends.  Plus I'll give you an update on how I'm feeling and start the first of my weekly "baby bump" pics. (unfortunately the only bump for the next while will have nothing to do with baby! lol!)

Until then... :)