I would have been twelve weeks today. This week would have been an exciting and relief filled one as I entered into the second trimester. It is this week that I probably would have relaxed a little more and felt a little more sure that there were healthy babies growing in my belly. But, instead of relief I'm feeling much sorrow at the fact that my babies are gone.
I'm at our leadership camp this week and seeing many of my colleagues with their young children has been incredibly hard. Seeing, especially, how much their children look like them opens wider the wound on my heart. It's been many years since I've felt this kind of pain when looking at others children. The beauty of long term infertility is that, with God's strength, you learn to cope and be happy when you see things that would normally hurt. I guess the miscarriage has added a new level to my pain and so I find that I am having to learn how to adjust again.
I am so thankful to the Lord to know that no matter how much my heart aches right now I can lean on His arms and trust Him to hold me up. I'm also thankful for Jeff. He's Been good these last few days at asking how I'm doing and just listening to my thoughts rather than doing the typical guy thing of trying to "fix things".
I know that this pain too shall pass and I know that I will come out the other side a stronger person, but I admit that while I'm in it it is hard to not just wallow in my pain and pity for myself. I would love your prayers as always.
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A place where I can share my thoughts and feelings on infertility, adoption and loss and all of its struggles and joys. As well as a place where I can find support and prayers from my family and friends.
About Me
- Shannon
- Whitehorse, Yukon, Canada
Our Journey So Far...
Jeff and I met in 1999 at Bible College in Winnipeg. We were married there in April 2002. We didn't start trying to have a baby until 2004. After a couple years of trying on our own we went to our Family Doctor to see what our problem was. After much testing it was discovered that we were dealing with male factor infertility. In November 2007 we were told we had a 1% chance of conceiving on our own and that IVF would be our only solution. We weren't able to afford IVF at the time and so did one round of IUI in April 2009 which was not successful. In the midst of this we decided that Adoption was something God was calling us to and we began looking into what that would be like. in July 2009 we met for the first time with our social worker and began our homestudy to be approved for adoption through social services. In May 2010 we decided we would pursue an adoption of a little boy in Zimbabwe. This eventually fell through due to complications with immigration. While this was going on however we were also hopeful about adopting another little boy from Alberta. In August 2010 we received word that we had been chosen as the adoptive parents. We were ecstatic! In September however, a couple weeks before we were to get him the adoption fell through leaving us heartbroken. Because of this adoption heartbreak, in February 2011 we decided we would pursue IVF again. In June 2012 we traveled to Vancouver for our first (and probably last) IVF treatment. We were able to transfer two day 3 embryos and freeze five day 5 blastocysts. On June 26th for the first time in 8 years of TTC I saw my first positive pregnancy test! We were so happy! Unfortunately a couple weeks later on July 12th we miscarried our precious little ones whom we named Esme (meaning Loved) and Zane (meaning God is Gracious). We were heartbroken but thankful that God saw fit to bless us with their lives even for a few short weeks. In October 2012 we traveled to Vancouver again for a FET. We transferred one sweet little Blast and were blessed to find out we had conceived again. All too soon though little Gabriel (meaning God is my Strength) went to be with Jesus and his Brothers and Sisters on November 15th. We miss our children and look forward to the day that we are reunited with them in Heaven.
And the journey continues...
And the journey continues...
List Of Abbreviations
BFP - Big Fat Positive
BFN - Big Fat Negative
TTC - Trying To Concieve
AF - Aunt Flow (aka Period)
DPO - Days Past Ovulation
BD - Baby Dancing (aka Sex)
POAS - Pee On A Stick (Pregnancy or ovulation testing)
2WW - 2 Week Wait (From ovulation to expected period)
CD - Cycle Day
LP - Luteal Phase (time between ovulation and period)
LPD - Luteal Phase Defect
DH - Dear husband
SA - Semen Analysis
IVF - In Vitro Fertilization
FET - Frozen Embryo Transfer
OHSS - Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
BFN - Big Fat Negative
TTC - Trying To Concieve
AF - Aunt Flow (aka Period)
DPO - Days Past Ovulation
BD - Baby Dancing (aka Sex)
POAS - Pee On A Stick (Pregnancy or ovulation testing)
2WW - 2 Week Wait (From ovulation to expected period)
CD - Cycle Day
LP - Luteal Phase (time between ovulation and period)
LPD - Luteal Phase Defect
DH - Dear husband
SA - Semen Analysis
IVF - In Vitro Fertilization
FET - Frozen Embryo Transfer
OHSS - Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
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3 comments:
I pray for you a lot Shannon, I cannot imagine your pain, I think about you all often. I pray the Lord will give you the strength you need to get through this extremely difficult time and I pray he has many miracles and blessings of children coming your way!
Shannon I love you so much!!! I can't believe how strong u have been through all of this I am so thankful that we have a God who helps us through these things....your faith amazes me!!!
Shannon
You are so much in our hearts and prayers as you go through this pain. I know it is so real and yet so silent.
Much Love
xo
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