I found this video on YouTube. It's a music video by Kellie Coffey who struggled with infertility herself. Thought I would share it with you!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ
Shannon
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Made it through... on to another month!
Sorry for worrying some of you with my last post. I forget sometimes that you only see the comments I make in the heat of the moment and not the time after. As heartbroken as I was to see AF come, as angry and disappointed I was at not being pregnant... again, I'm okay. It is always hardest the first day, and then the pain slowly drains away as the days pass by. And then hope starts to take the place of pain and the roller coaster ride starts all over again. Unfortunately, this has become the norm in my life.
We were away in Red Deer this week and while there we went to "Parables" the christian book store. While there I found a book called "Empty Womb, Aching Heart". It's a collection of short stories written by both men and women, about their struggles with infertility. It is Christian based, so the stories are mainly about God's grace. The stories so far have been very helpful. The first two in the book were exactly what I was needing those first few days after AF arrived.
The first chapter is titled "Crying In The Diaper Aisle". It was because of this title that I bought the book. I have had many a tear in the "Diaper Aisle". The chapter is about a lady, Megan, and her husband who have been trying for 5 years to get pregnant with no luck. She talks about how she use to never cry but now all of a sudden she cries at anything baby related, TV Shows, parents at the mall, the child on the diaper box. And every time she cries she rememberes what people have said to her:
"God's timing is perfect" my friends would say. "God knows what's best," my pastor assured us. "Get a hold of yourself," my mother urged. "Christians are supposed to be happy. Remember all things work together for good to those who love the Lord!"
"Maybe they were right. Did my tears show a lack of faith? Did these sudden outbursts reveal that I wasn't trusting in God? What kind of witness was I, with my long face, and tears in the diaper Aisle?"
Then Megan goes to lunch with her friend Debbie who had lost her dad recently and was still grieving. Her friend shares how even though the months have passed she still cries at the sight of his picture or at anything that reminds her of her dad. She feels guilty for this because he was a christian and she was suppose to be happy that he was with Jesus now. Megan tells her that it is normal to grieve.
"You've lost your father. Just because he's in heaven doesn't mean it shouldn't hurt. You have to cry; its part of the grieving process."
So Megan leaves the restaurant and while driving home thinks about their conversation:
"As I thought about it, I realised that, like Debbie, I too had lost someone I loved - the child I longed for, but didn't have. Why did I think my loss was less significant, less painful? Why did I believe that I didn't need to grieve? Perhaps, like I'd told Debbie, it was okay to cry."
"All this time I'd been fighting the tears and telling myself I should trust God and be content, I hadn't allowed myself to grieve. I thought crying was a sign of weak faith, but maybe it was a sign of God's attempt to bring healing to my heart."
"Infertility is a hard road, a painful road. Sometimes tears are needed to smooth the way. Sometimes it's right to cry."
You have no idea how this story helped calm my fear about my trust, or what I thought to be lack of trust, in God. So many times I felt guilty for feeling so depressed. I felt like every tear I cried just proved how mush I distrusted God's plan for my life.
When I read this chapter, I realised... it is exactly like grieving for someone. Every month I grieve for the child I "lost" yet I felt guilty for doing it. Yet I wouldn't tell one of my congregants who had lost someone to "buck up and get over it". So why should I tell myself that? I have realised that if I need to cry and be depressed and grieve then I need to let that happen. It is only though the grieving process that I can receive healing from Christ.
So from now on... if I need to cry, I will! And If I need to grieve, I will! And if I need to be angry at the injustice of it all, I will! But through all of that, I will allow God's healing to come upon me. I will allow God to give me hope again... for another month.
Shannon
We were away in Red Deer this week and while there we went to "Parables" the christian book store. While there I found a book called "Empty Womb, Aching Heart". It's a collection of short stories written by both men and women, about their struggles with infertility. It is Christian based, so the stories are mainly about God's grace. The stories so far have been very helpful. The first two in the book were exactly what I was needing those first few days after AF arrived.
The first chapter is titled "Crying In The Diaper Aisle". It was because of this title that I bought the book. I have had many a tear in the "Diaper Aisle". The chapter is about a lady, Megan, and her husband who have been trying for 5 years to get pregnant with no luck. She talks about how she use to never cry but now all of a sudden she cries at anything baby related, TV Shows, parents at the mall, the child on the diaper box. And every time she cries she rememberes what people have said to her:
"God's timing is perfect" my friends would say. "God knows what's best," my pastor assured us. "Get a hold of yourself," my mother urged. "Christians are supposed to be happy. Remember all things work together for good to those who love the Lord!"
"Maybe they were right. Did my tears show a lack of faith? Did these sudden outbursts reveal that I wasn't trusting in God? What kind of witness was I, with my long face, and tears in the diaper Aisle?"
Then Megan goes to lunch with her friend Debbie who had lost her dad recently and was still grieving. Her friend shares how even though the months have passed she still cries at the sight of his picture or at anything that reminds her of her dad. She feels guilty for this because he was a christian and she was suppose to be happy that he was with Jesus now. Megan tells her that it is normal to grieve.
"You've lost your father. Just because he's in heaven doesn't mean it shouldn't hurt. You have to cry; its part of the grieving process."
So Megan leaves the restaurant and while driving home thinks about their conversation:
"As I thought about it, I realised that, like Debbie, I too had lost someone I loved - the child I longed for, but didn't have. Why did I think my loss was less significant, less painful? Why did I believe that I didn't need to grieve? Perhaps, like I'd told Debbie, it was okay to cry."
"All this time I'd been fighting the tears and telling myself I should trust God and be content, I hadn't allowed myself to grieve. I thought crying was a sign of weak faith, but maybe it was a sign of God's attempt to bring healing to my heart."
"Infertility is a hard road, a painful road. Sometimes tears are needed to smooth the way. Sometimes it's right to cry."
You have no idea how this story helped calm my fear about my trust, or what I thought to be lack of trust, in God. So many times I felt guilty for feeling so depressed. I felt like every tear I cried just proved how mush I distrusted God's plan for my life.
When I read this chapter, I realised... it is exactly like grieving for someone. Every month I grieve for the child I "lost" yet I felt guilty for doing it. Yet I wouldn't tell one of my congregants who had lost someone to "buck up and get over it". So why should I tell myself that? I have realised that if I need to cry and be depressed and grieve then I need to let that happen. It is only though the grieving process that I can receive healing from Christ.
So from now on... if I need to cry, I will! And If I need to grieve, I will! And if I need to be angry at the injustice of it all, I will! But through all of that, I will allow God's healing to come upon me. I will allow God to give me hope again... for another month.
Shannon
Saturday, August 18, 2007
well...
The dreaming is over... AF showed up. And as predicted, I'm heartbroken. It feels as if I've lost someone I love. I keep wondering when this will get easier... when I will get to the point where I can accept the facts. How long will I keep putting my emotions through this? When will the time come that I don't feel this ache in my heart? Because I really don't know how much more I can take.
Shannon
Shannon
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
2ww
Hi all.... or is there anyone there? I don't know if anyone is reading this blog anymore, but no matter, it helps me get my "thoughts and feelings" out.
I am now in the 2ww. I was sitting in the TV room this morning watching "a baby story" (I'm totally addicted!) thinking about how these weeks suck, when I thought of a good part of it. When I am in the 2ww it is hard because you want to find out if you are pregnant and 2 weeks is a long time to find out. The good part is that you have 2 weeks where you can pretend to be pregnant. You have hope. If I let myself, I can dream about being pregnant, when I would be due, how we would tell people, how the room would be set up and so on.
The catch to this fantasy land of pregnant bellies and baby clothes is that so far in my life, after the 2ww I end up not being pregnant and therefore crushed. The problem with letting your emotions run high is that they can then run VERY low. The emotional trip is not just unpleasant, it eats away a little part of you each time.
So, some months I let myself dream and prepare for the heartbreak, but other times I hold back. It is as if my brain knows when I can handle it, and when I can't. The mind is amazing like that.
I guess this month my brain sees fit to let me dream!
Shannon
I am now in the 2ww. I was sitting in the TV room this morning watching "a baby story" (I'm totally addicted!) thinking about how these weeks suck, when I thought of a good part of it. When I am in the 2ww it is hard because you want to find out if you are pregnant and 2 weeks is a long time to find out. The good part is that you have 2 weeks where you can pretend to be pregnant. You have hope. If I let myself, I can dream about being pregnant, when I would be due, how we would tell people, how the room would be set up and so on.
The catch to this fantasy land of pregnant bellies and baby clothes is that so far in my life, after the 2ww I end up not being pregnant and therefore crushed. The problem with letting your emotions run high is that they can then run VERY low. The emotional trip is not just unpleasant, it eats away a little part of you each time.
So, some months I let myself dream and prepare for the heartbreak, but other times I hold back. It is as if my brain knows when I can handle it, and when I can't. The mind is amazing like that.
I guess this month my brain sees fit to let me dream!
Shannon
Saturday, August 11, 2007
"Facing the Giants"
Have you seen this movie? If you haven't, go and rent it. It's got a great story... unfortunately the acting isn't the best, but for a movie that was made on 100,000 dollars... not bad! It was done by a church in the States. We watched it in June with the Bible Study group, but I saw it again tonight on TV.
The movie is about a high school coach and team that haven't had a winning season in 6 years. It goes through the coaches struggles with his work, his house, car, and, you guessed it, infertility. Him and his wife have been trying for 4 years and finally decide to go and get tested. It turns out that the wife is okay but the husband's check-up isn't good. The whole movie is based around what God can do. I won't give away the ending... just go and see it.
Anyways, there is a quote in the movie that has stayed with me since I saw it in June. The wife is talking to her husband about going to get "checked out" and how he shouldn't be scared to do it. She then goes into how much she wants children. She dreams of them running around the house, of reading them stories, etc. Then she says "How can I miss someone so much who I haven't ever even met?" I bawled at that. It describes my feelings to a tee. Every month I grieve for a child I have never seen. I cry for the life that never was, and maybe never will be. And I wonder like her "how can I miss someone so much that I have never even met?"
If you want to understand a little about what Jeff and I go through every month... watch this movie. I have not seen a movie yet that better portrays the struggles of infertility.
Most of all though, what I want to remember from this movie is the theme. NOTHING is impossible with God. I need to not only believe that... I need to live that.
Go watch the movie!
Shannon
The movie is about a high school coach and team that haven't had a winning season in 6 years. It goes through the coaches struggles with his work, his house, car, and, you guessed it, infertility. Him and his wife have been trying for 4 years and finally decide to go and get tested. It turns out that the wife is okay but the husband's check-up isn't good. The whole movie is based around what God can do. I won't give away the ending... just go and see it.
Anyways, there is a quote in the movie that has stayed with me since I saw it in June. The wife is talking to her husband about going to get "checked out" and how he shouldn't be scared to do it. She then goes into how much she wants children. She dreams of them running around the house, of reading them stories, etc. Then she says "How can I miss someone so much who I haven't ever even met?" I bawled at that. It describes my feelings to a tee. Every month I grieve for a child I have never seen. I cry for the life that never was, and maybe never will be. And I wonder like her "how can I miss someone so much that I have never even met?"
If you want to understand a little about what Jeff and I go through every month... watch this movie. I have not seen a movie yet that better portrays the struggles of infertility.
Most of all though, what I want to remember from this movie is the theme. NOTHING is impossible with God. I need to not only believe that... I need to live that.
Go watch the movie!
Shannon
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Grrrrrrr...
I went to the doctor yesterday to ask about doing IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). (For more information on this procedure you can read about it here http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/iui.html ) I was really hoping that we could have it done next cycle since this is my last cycle on Clomid. Well, the doctor said that we can begin the process but it will take several months before we can do it. I REALLY had my heart set on next month. But I guess I have to be a little more patient. Grrrrrrrrr!
Also, Jeff and I were on the C-Train a couple days ago and while we were sitting there a little boy started crying... very quietly actually, and the mom got mad and covered up his mouth.... and nose!!! I was ready to jump on her. She was trying to keep him quiet by just covering his mouth (Which by the way wasn't working... he was getting more and more upset) but her hand was big and he was only about 2 so she kept plugging his nose too. I thought he was going to suffocate... I was steaming. I felt so bad... should I have said something? I didn't want to pick a fight... but I mean how many times do we let adults get away with things like that? I always wonder about that. So often we turn a blind eye to it. It's so hard to know what is right. So anyways, of course I start feeling really upset that this women has a child and I am without. It always seems so unfair. Grrrrrrrrrr!
Anyways, that's my life at the moment. As I mentioned this is my last cycle on clomid. So for the next few months until the IUI I will be ovulating on my own. I'm not to worried about stopping them... they haven't worked so far. I just pray that in these next few months we get pregnant on our own so that we don't have to go through the IUI.
Have a great day everyone!
Shannon
Also, Jeff and I were on the C-Train a couple days ago and while we were sitting there a little boy started crying... very quietly actually, and the mom got mad and covered up his mouth.... and nose!!! I was ready to jump on her. She was trying to keep him quiet by just covering his mouth (Which by the way wasn't working... he was getting more and more upset) but her hand was big and he was only about 2 so she kept plugging his nose too. I thought he was going to suffocate... I was steaming. I felt so bad... should I have said something? I didn't want to pick a fight... but I mean how many times do we let adults get away with things like that? I always wonder about that. So often we turn a blind eye to it. It's so hard to know what is right. So anyways, of course I start feeling really upset that this women has a child and I am without. It always seems so unfair. Grrrrrrrrrr!
Anyways, that's my life at the moment. As I mentioned this is my last cycle on clomid. So for the next few months until the IUI I will be ovulating on my own. I'm not to worried about stopping them... they haven't worked so far. I just pray that in these next few months we get pregnant on our own so that we don't have to go through the IUI.
Have a great day everyone!
Shannon
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
