A few years ago I was praying through the Psalms and when I read Psalm 73 I felt compelled to "re-work" it to reflect my life. I quickly jotted it down and tucked it away.
I came upon it yesterday after unpacking a box and reflected back on how I was feeling at the time. Since then many things have changed in my heart. I feel I have finally come to a place where I have given over to God my "obsession" to have a child. My focus now is not on fulfilling my wants, but instead on fulfilling the need of a child for a mother. Even though I pray each day to feel a child in my womb, I am no longer consumed by it. I hope you enjoy the following Psalm...
Psalm 73
A Psalm of the Infertile Woman
Surely God is good to the infertile women,
to those who crave a child.
But as for me, my heart had almost lost hope;
I had nearly given up.
For I envied the pregnant
when I saw their rounded bellies.
They have children;
healthy and strong.
They are free from the torture of childlessness;
they are not plagued by desires of
motherhood.
Therefore pride of their children is shown on the walls
Their artwork displayed on the fridge
The stories of their children have no limit
They give advice and suggestions
and claim it will cure our problem.
Their mouths speak out words of emptiness
mixed with false hope.
Therefore, People believe them and forget that
GOD holds the hope.
This is what the mothers are like –
always carefree, they increase their family
Surely in vain have I dreamt of a child;
in vain have I prayed to conceive.
All day long I am plagued by my wants,
I am punished at the end of each month
If I had said all I felt
I would have ruined relationships
When I try to understand all this
it brings me down further
Till I pray to God and enter His presence
Then I understand their own struggles.
Surely they have their own issues
That may break them in an instant.
How suddenly their world could come crashing down
if something were to happen.
As in a dream I awake and realise
we all have problems.
When my heart was grieving;
A child never there;
My spirit became embittered by it.
I was not thinking and was ignorant
of you and your love for me.
Yet I know you are always with me;
You hold me in your arms.
You guide me with your Spirit
And when all is said and done
I will meet you in heaven
Who do I need more, but you?
No child could ever give me what you can.
My quest for a baby may fail
But God is the strength of my heart
And all I need forever.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Praying
Do you know what I have enjoyed these last couple weeks? Praying for our child. It is quite likely that our son or daughter has already been born (unless we get an infant when we adopt). That is both exciting and scary. I pray everyday that God will protect them until we are together as a family. It scares me to think what they may be facing in their young lives.
I also imagine that somewhere out there a child is praying for us too. Not us specifically of course, but for a mom and dad. I pray that we will be great parents.. understanding, patient and loving. I pray that God will help me with the skills I will need for a child that has been through a tough life.
I would appreciate any prayers for Jeff and I as we go through this journey to get our family.
Shannon
I also imagine that somewhere out there a child is praying for us too. Not us specifically of course, but for a mom and dad. I pray that we will be great parents.. understanding, patient and loving. I pray that God will help me with the skills I will need for a child that has been through a tough life.
I would appreciate any prayers for Jeff and I as we go through this journey to get our family.
Shannon
Friday, March 13, 2009
Finally... an UPDATE!
Wow, it has been a long time since I've written on here. As you probably figured out, after my last post I was pretty discouraged and because of that lost all will to update. Well, a lot has happened since September so let me fill you in (this will be long!).
Jeff and I did see the doctor eventually (in January) after deciding that IVF would definitely be out for us. We went wanting to discuss another option... IUI. IUI is a much cheaper procedure (about 400 bucks a month) but it is not nearly as successful. With IVF we had about an 80% chance of getting pregnant... with the IUI our chances only go up to 5 % (from the 1% chance we have now without treatment). The doctor was not so pleased that we wanted to go this route (I'm not so pleased with him actually but oh well!) but gave in and told us we could do three rounds. So he wrote us out the prescription for Clomid and told us we could start with my next cycle.
Well, February 1st was the beginning of my next cycle, so I called in to let them know that I would be doing a round of IUI that month. A couple days later I get a call saying that they missed a blood test (rubella immunity) on me and that I needed to go and have it done before I could do the IUI. I asked whether I should still take the clomid, and they said yes, go ahead. I had the blood test done that day.
5 days later (after I had taken all my clomid) I get a call saying that the blood test came back negative and that I was not immune to rubella (even though my mom is pretty sure I was vaccinated when I was child). I was devastated. I had just taken my last "crazy" pill ($60), had just paid for the administration part of the IUI ($75) and now I find out I have to cancel the cycle!! They told me that I had to go right away and get vaccinated for Rubella and I couldn't get pregnant until 4 weeks after the shot. Actually it was kind of funny... they told me to use birth control as well so I wouldn't get pregnant that month. HA!! Like that would happen!
Because I can't get pregnant for four weeks after the shot, this cycle was out for IUI as well. So, next month we will try the process again and see what happens. To tell you the truth I'm not all that hopeful about it... but am willing to give it a try just in case.
Now, the other big development that has happened since September is that we have decided that we will apply to adopt a child through social services!! We are sooooo excited about it! Jeff was actually the one to bring it up (on the way back from our doctors appointment in January) and I was the one that was more against it... kind of a reversal from a few years ago! The last couple months though, the more I thought of it, the more it seemed that this was the plan God had for our lives... even if we have biological children. It just began to feel right.
Well, last Wednesday we went to an adoption information meeting in Calgary to see what it would involve. We came out of there feeling positive that this was what we needed to do. We both just felt a peace about it. Jeff actually came out saying that there was no way we couldn't do it!
The problem with this plan to adopt is that there is a high probability that we will be moving this year or next year. Because of that we can't apply while we are here in High River. We have decided that whenever we move we will begin the application process right away. I get so excited thinking about it!
Jeff and I have also decided (and this may change as time goes on) that we would like to apply for a child between the ages of 0-5. We are also willing to adopt a sibling group and children with some physical disabilities (blind, deaf, missing limbs etc.) but not mental disabilities. I just can't make a conscience decision to take on a child that may need to be dependant on us for the rest of our lives. Saying that, if God chooses that child for us we will love them completely and face the challenges, but right now I can't knowingly take that on.
So, there it is... our update! I want to thank you all for praying for us and helping us through this emotional roller coaster. I know we are still on it, but I feel like we are rounding the last bend.
Please keep praying for us!
Shannon
Jeff and I did see the doctor eventually (in January) after deciding that IVF would definitely be out for us. We went wanting to discuss another option... IUI. IUI is a much cheaper procedure (about 400 bucks a month) but it is not nearly as successful. With IVF we had about an 80% chance of getting pregnant... with the IUI our chances only go up to 5 % (from the 1% chance we have now without treatment). The doctor was not so pleased that we wanted to go this route (I'm not so pleased with him actually but oh well!) but gave in and told us we could do three rounds. So he wrote us out the prescription for Clomid and told us we could start with my next cycle.
Well, February 1st was the beginning of my next cycle, so I called in to let them know that I would be doing a round of IUI that month. A couple days later I get a call saying that they missed a blood test (rubella immunity) on me and that I needed to go and have it done before I could do the IUI. I asked whether I should still take the clomid, and they said yes, go ahead. I had the blood test done that day.
5 days later (after I had taken all my clomid) I get a call saying that the blood test came back negative and that I was not immune to rubella (even though my mom is pretty sure I was vaccinated when I was child). I was devastated. I had just taken my last "crazy" pill ($60), had just paid for the administration part of the IUI ($75) and now I find out I have to cancel the cycle!! They told me that I had to go right away and get vaccinated for Rubella and I couldn't get pregnant until 4 weeks after the shot. Actually it was kind of funny... they told me to use birth control as well so I wouldn't get pregnant that month. HA!! Like that would happen!
Because I can't get pregnant for four weeks after the shot, this cycle was out for IUI as well. So, next month we will try the process again and see what happens. To tell you the truth I'm not all that hopeful about it... but am willing to give it a try just in case.
Now, the other big development that has happened since September is that we have decided that we will apply to adopt a child through social services!! We are sooooo excited about it! Jeff was actually the one to bring it up (on the way back from our doctors appointment in January) and I was the one that was more against it... kind of a reversal from a few years ago! The last couple months though, the more I thought of it, the more it seemed that this was the plan God had for our lives... even if we have biological children. It just began to feel right.
Well, last Wednesday we went to an adoption information meeting in Calgary to see what it would involve. We came out of there feeling positive that this was what we needed to do. We both just felt a peace about it. Jeff actually came out saying that there was no way we couldn't do it!
The problem with this plan to adopt is that there is a high probability that we will be moving this year or next year. Because of that we can't apply while we are here in High River. We have decided that whenever we move we will begin the application process right away. I get so excited thinking about it!
Jeff and I have also decided (and this may change as time goes on) that we would like to apply for a child between the ages of 0-5. We are also willing to adopt a sibling group and children with some physical disabilities (blind, deaf, missing limbs etc.) but not mental disabilities. I just can't make a conscience decision to take on a child that may need to be dependant on us for the rest of our lives. Saying that, if God chooses that child for us we will love them completely and face the challenges, but right now I can't knowingly take that on.
So, there it is... our update! I want to thank you all for praying for us and helping us through this emotional roller coaster. I know we are still on it, but I feel like we are rounding the last bend.
Please keep praying for us!
Shannon
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