UPDATE

I guess I should give everyone an update. Where to begin...

First, Jeff and I are coping with last weeks disturbing news very well right now. The first couple days were hard, but we have been able to give it over to God, knowing that his will is right for us. It is still hard sometimes, especially when I see people who are pregnant, but there have been no tears about it all since that first day.

Second, I talked to a lady this week that mentioned her mother had IVF paid for by an organization in Calgary. We knew there was a fund for IVF... but it was nice talking to someone who had experience with it. So I looked it up online and found out that there is a good chance that we will qualify for it! We have to wait until February when we go back to the Doctor to ask about it... it will be a long wait!

Third, we got a puppy!! His name is Tillsley and he is a pure breed Chihuahua. He is such a cutie! Our Thrift Store manager breeds them, and let's just say I got a good deal for taking care of all the puppies for a week while she was gone. So far he has been great. We are Pee-Pad training him which is going well... somedays! We had a little trouble at night with whining and barking, but we put his crate in our bedroom and now he doesn't make a sound at night. The cats are a little annoyed with him since all he wants to do is play... but the last day or so they have been getting along a little better, even crawling into my lap to all have a snuggle.

Isn't he cute!! Not much of a dog... Jeff says it's like a hamster that is allowed to run around the house!

I think that is all the news so far. Christmas is starting up in a couple weeks so life will once again be crazy busy. That's good for us... keeps our minds off of baby things!

Have a great day!

Shannon

We've made it through the last few days and it has become a little easier... although it hasn't really sunk in yet. I never realised how many times a day I would think about being pregnant... until now when I have to tell myself to let it go. And its the simplest things, like taking Advil and thinking, "when I get pregnant I will need to get Tylenol" (Tylenol is safer then Advil when pregnant). Or talking to someone about babies and refraining from saying "When I'm pregnant".

Something else that has been hard is the realizations of what we are going to miss out on. I was looking at pictures of a friend of mine with her daughter and thinking how much they look alike when I realised that we won't get to see if our child will have red hair or blond, fair skin or tan. There won't be any mini-me's running around. And until you have that dream taken away you don't realise how much that actually matters.

So what is our plan? Jeff and I have decided to look into adoption and will be pursuing that right away (as soon as I figure out how!). We figure that we will work towards this and if God closes the door we will know that it isn't for us. And the thought of adoption is exciting. I have always thought that it would be great to give a child a loving home. I just always thought we would have our own as well.

Supposedly Alberta has been trying for years to include Infertility treatments like IVF in the provincial health care plan. Maybe some day it will be included and we will be able to do IVF. And who knows, maybe we will get pregnant on our own... 1% is better then nothing! Although I am not holding on to this hope. I just can't go through the next 15 years thinking every month that I might be pregnant. 4 years is long enough.

I want to thank all of you for your support and prayers. Sometimes I feel like such a drama queen, but through it all you have loved us. Thank you so much!

Shannon

My worst nightmare... come true

My hands are shaking as I write this. I just can't believe it.

As you know we had a doctors appointment today at the infertility clinic. I was looking forward to this meeting thinking that finally we would get some answers and a plan together. Well, we got some answers alright. The doctor told us that we only have a 1 % chance of ever getting pregnant on our own. I'm shocked... I just can't believe that this is happening. He told us that basically our only chances of ever having a baby is through IVF ($10,000). IUI ($400) won't work for us.

Needless to say we are devastated by this news. Even though we obviously knew something was wrong, we could pretend that it was just timing.... now the cover has been blown. We are officially "infertile". Wow, that word sounds so hollow.

Tears are falling as I write this. I just can't imagine never feeling a baby inside me. Never having a chance to hear the heartbeat of my unborn baby. Never experiencing what it is like to hold an infant that lived inside of you for 9 months. I just can't imagine....

But, as sad and hurt and broken I feel I know that God will be our strength. I know that he will be our guide.

Please pray for us. Pray that we will see what path God has for us. Pray that we will have the strength to continue on. Pray that he will be able to heal our broken hearts.

blessings,

Shannon