July 15th

Today would have been our sweet Gabe's due date.  It's hard to believe that 9 months have gone and this date has come.  A lot of healing has happened the last few months.  The due date for the twins was incredibly hard but since then I have really been able to let go and let God bring the healing he wanted into my heart.  I miss our little ones so much and wish more than anything that they were here with me but I'm okay.  I'm happy that today Gabe and all my children in heaven are celebrating with my Nan on her birthday!  I am happy that they are "home" and living in paradise.  I am happy that I don't have to worry about them.  I am happy that they are happy!


To our little sweet Gabriel... I miss you, I love you.  I wish I could just give you a big giant hug and a big sloppy kiss today.  When I think of you I picture you as a happy, carefree, sweet little boy and I can't wait until the day I get to meet you in person and see for myself what you look like and find out all about you.  I pray that today you are having a great time celebrating with your great-grandmother.  I always said that I couldn't wait for her to meet my children.  I am so happy that she is there now to keep you company until we come home.  Give my love to all your siblings and a big birthday kiss to Nan.

Love you forever,

Mom

March 5th

Esme and Zane,

Today is the day... it would have been your due date.  I've been dreading this day for many months wondering how I would get through it without you.  I miss you.  I know that I only "knew" you for a short while but in just a few short weeks you were able to wind yourselves around my heart and I loved you.  I wanted you.  I prayed for many years to have the chance to carry you and God blessed us with you!  I just wish that it could have been for longer.

While my heart may ache to have you here on this earth I am also overjoyed that you are where you belong.  I wonder some days what you are like there.  What body do you have... that of a child... an adult?  Do you know me?  Do you look down and remember me?  I know this side of heaven I will never have those answers but I am comforted by knowing that no matter what, you are safe, happy and living in the most beautiful place imaginable. I am happy for you!

I will be honest and say that I am sad that I never got to meet the two of you.  I was looking forward to the day that I would get to hold you and kiss you and be your everything.  I look around at my life and there is a hole where you both should have been.  You were suppose to be here.  I was suppose to be either uncomfortably pregnant or horribly sleep deprived by now.  But neither of those are true... instead I have this empty spot in my heart and in my home.

Please don't worry about me though.  God has been good!  I'm sure you know that.  At my darkest time he has held me.  When my faith was shaken and doubts came He stood strong for me and pulled me through.  I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for Him.  I may not understand why you were not meant to walk on this earth but I trust in his plan and in his goodness.

I pray that you know how much I love you both!  You changed my life... you made me a Mom!  I will always miss you, always grieve what we lost when you left but we will make it through.  And someday we will get to meet!  I look forward to that day!  And until then I will hold you in my heart and love you at a distance.

Love you forever,

Mom

When will it be OUR turn?

I have been asked twice this week about our babies. One was someone at church asking whether I was still carrying (hmmm… does that mean I look like I am?? YIKES!) and the other was today. A lady asked if I had had the babies yet. My heart, with each innocent question, broke just a little bit more. No I am not carrying and No I have not given birth… my babies instead are enjoying their days in the presence of their creator.

Last week a friend that went through IVF at the same time as me and got (and stayed) pregnant with twins had her babies. I am so happy for her and that even though the twins were a month premature they are healthy and happy. I can’t help thinking though that this could have been us. Right now at this moment I could be holding my precious little Esme and Zane. I can’t describe the kind of crushing feeling this realization brings to my heart. For short moments it hurts so bad I wonder how I will move on… but thankfully the moment does pass and I find the strength (thank you Jesus!) to put those thoughts away and get on with my day.

I am not looking forward to March 5^th, the Estimated Due date for the twins. Well to be honest I’m not looking forward to these next weeks leading up to it either. This was supposed to be a joyous time for us and instead it’s filled with grief. I’m not sad for our babies… they are in a wonderful place… but I am sad for us and for our empty arms. This month marks 9 years that we have been TTC. 9 YEARS! Never in my wildest imagination did I believe we would still be childless at this point in our lives. And most definitely I did not imagine that we would have said goodbye to three children.

I have found myself saying over and over when will it be OUR time? When will we get to hold our child and love them and protect them? When will we get to hear our child call us Mom and Dad? I don’t care how they come to us, whether it’s biological or adoption, but when will they come?? How long must we wait while everyone around us seems to be able to build a family so easily?

Sigh… Lord please give me strength… I can’t do this without you.