We Have The Dates!

We finally have the dates for our upcoming FET (frozen embryo transfer)!  We had to wait until my cycle started to know for sure when things would be happening.  So, if all goes well here's what will happen...

On October 22nd we have our first ultrasound at the clinic to check my lining.  They will want to see that it is between 7mm and 12mm in thickness.  For our IVF cycle my lining was at 11.4mm so they don't expect that I will have any issues.  However, you never know what your body will do and what worked one month might not work the next.

If my lining looks good then we will transfer our embryo on October 26th.  Thawing embryos can be tricky and there is a chance that our embryo will not survive the thaw.  We are praying hard that this will not happen.  IF our little one doesn't make it they will take out another one and thaw that one.  And if that one doesn't make it they will go to the next and so on and so on.  There is a chance that by the end of this month we will have lost all our babies.  That is probably the scariest part for me right now.  The idea of losing our 5 babies without them ever having a chance to live inside of me even if only for a couple weeks makes my heart stop a beat.  That will be the most devastating outcome.

If our embryo thaws well though (please Lord let that be the case) they will transfer it that Friday and then we will be into our 2ww.  Our Beta test for pregnancy will be on November 7th.  I haven't determined yet if we will take a HPT (home pregnancy test) before that.  Part of me likes the idea of not knowing for as long as possible so that if the result is negative I can "pretend" for a few more days.  I guess we will see when the time comes.

So that's the plan for now.  If those dates change I will keep you all updated.  Please continue praying for our little embryo and that he/she thaws well and will be able to snuggle in tight.

Naming Our Little Ones

A couple weeks ago I decided that I would like to give names to the two babies we lost through the miscarriage.  While I am sad that we lost 23 embryo's and I love them all dearly, the two we miscarried have left a little bigger of an impression on my heart.  To have had them live inside me for 6 weeks I think made our connection to them a little deeper.  I felt it would be nice to be able to refer to them by names sometimes rather than always "little ones".

I wanted names that had meaning, not necessarily names that we would have chosen had they lived.  I scoured through baby name sites and started a list of names that had meanings I liked.  Two stood out on the list so we decided to go with those.

The first name is Esme.  Esme means Loved.  As soon as we transferred our two little embryos I had a strong feeling that one was a girl.  For this reason I felt comfortable going with a female name.  I think the meaning says it all.  Our little girl was and is Loved. 

The second name is Zane.  Zane means Gift from God or God is Gracious.  I don't have any feelings about whether the second baby was a girl or a boy so I wanted something that was unisex (though I must admit I think of Zane as a boys name first).  This little baby was an incredible gift from God and through this whole experience God's Grace has been so evident to us.  The meaning is yet again perfect for our little one.

So, we miss our little Esme and Zane and all our little ones in Heaven and we thank God everyday that he saw fit to bless us with their lives no matter how short they were.

I AM A MOM

I have 30 children... and all but five live in Heaven. Four of my babies lived only two days, nineteen lived for four days, two lived for thirty days and five are still living waiting for the chance to hopefully snuggle into my womb and grow healthy and strong until we can meet and hold them in our arms.

Some may not agree with me. There are many debates about when life begins. I believe it starts at conception. The moment my egg and Jeff's sperm fused together it created a unique set of genes and therefore a unique child... and I became a mom. I do not know if they have red hair or blond; blue eyes or green; or if they are tall or short. I don't even know how many are my sons and how many are my daughters. What I do know is that they're perfect and beautiful and they are mine.

The bible tells us that when we die we have a new body in heaven... A perfect one with no flaws or scars. How beautiful that my children never had to experience the pain of this world! They never had to experience a scrapped knee, a broken heart, or the loss of a loved one. I know that some of you will say that while they may have been saved from pain and suffering they also missed out on the good things of this world. I disagree! This world has NOTHING on our Heavenly home. My children are NOT missing out. They are living in paradise!! So quickly after their souls were born they got to meet their creator! How amazing is that!

While I selfishly wish that they were here with me I really couldn't have asked for a better life for my children! And while I wholeheartedly believe that, I know I will and am praying that God will see fit to bless me with one of my babies here on earth so that I don't have to wait so long to feel their hugs or hear their voice.

This past Monday I started my medication for our upcoming FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). By the end of October we hope to be able to transfer one of our five frozen babies. I am looking forward to being united with my child but I'm scared. So many things can go wrong. First, it isn't a guarantee that the embryo will thaw well and we may lose one or more in the process. If they do survive the thaw and are transferred there is no guarantee that they will implant. And if they do implant there is no guarantee that they will snuggle in for the long haul. I love my frozen children... even as tiny as they are. To lose them will be devastating... no matter at what point.

It is my plan this time to keep everyone updated on our journey to getting pregnant again. While I would love to be able to keep everything a secret and then hopefully surprise everyone with an announcement there is no way for us to hide the fact (at least from the people we are close to) that we are traveling to Vancouver at the end of the month. It wouldn't take long for people to figure out why we went there! (I have no doubts you are all smart enough to put two and two together! lol!). So instead this time we decided we would just keep everyone updated and that way we can record our journey here so that I can look back on it (and maybe educate people about the process or help someone out who is going through it themselves) but also, and most importantly, I can have people praying for us as we go. I'm not sure you all realize how AMAZING Jeff and I find it to know that our journey to parenthood is covered in prayer not only by friends and family but also by people we have never met! I know that our story has affected many people through the years and when we grieve you grieve and when we are happy you are happy. For that reason I am honored to share our lives with you.

So as these next few weeks progress I'll share with you what is happening and where we are in the process. Please begin praying now for our little embryo that we hope to transfer. Also, I would really appreciate prayers for Jeff and I as we walk this path again.... it's scary I admit and every so often I allow myself to start worrying rather than trusting in God's plan for us. Prayers for peace and strength would be great! Thanks everyone!