I just finished watching the movie "Facing the Giants" for the fourth time! Every time it comes on tv I am drawn to it. I guess because it matches our lives so perfectly. Every time I watch it something new stands out to me and this time it was this quote:
“The Lord will send the rain. You need to prepare your field to receive it.”
I need to prepare my life to accept God's blessings. And that doesn't necessarily mean that he will send a baby... I pray that he will... but that any blessing he is wanting to send I must first prepare myself for it.
So often we pray for something and then sit around and wait for the answer. Instead of that we must pray believing. If we pray for rain we must prepare the fields in anticipation of it.
I truly believe that God will send a child into our lives at some point. Maybe it will be our own flesh and blood, adopted or even a child that has a home but needs someone to love them. I must prepare my body, my house, my life, my heart for that child. All these years that we have been waiting I could have been getting ready!
Anyways, that was my thought this morning. It gives me hope and something to work on as we wait.
Shannon
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
Back in the game... sadly
Well, last week was the first time in a long time that I became depressed over not having a baby.
We were at officers retreat and a friend of mine had a baby shower while we were there. I am excited for them, but at the same time it is difficult. I feel horribly selfish and stupid. I was contemplating not going (she would have understood) but decided that it would be fine and I was making too much of an issue out of it, but it really did me in. And I hate that I let it get to me. It wasn't even so much seeing my friend with her cute pregnant belly... it was the fact that every women in that room (who was married) had a child. They were all talking about their pregnancies and baby tips and what they read to their child at bed time. It sucks not being able to join into those conversations.
After that the rest of the day and night was nothing but tears. I couldn't sleep I just kept thinking how unfair it was that I may never experience that. I was glad that I had brought one of my infertility books. It gave me comfort to read it and realise that there are people who understand. I ended up getting up at 4:30am and going to the lobby to read.
The book that I am re-reading has so much information in it. Every word I read I feel like all my weird feelings are normal. Did you know that "infertility patients are second only to Cancer patients in terms of what they will endure for a cure?" And that "women with infertility had levels of emotional distress equal to those of patients with cancer or heart disease. For every failed attempt to conceive, couples experience grief for what could have been. As this is repeated month after month, sometimes for years, it becomes chronic grief." THAT'S ME! How sad is that.
Anyways, you may be hearing from me a little more now. This book has helped me put to words a lot of my feelings.
Until then,
Shannon
We were at officers retreat and a friend of mine had a baby shower while we were there. I am excited for them, but at the same time it is difficult. I feel horribly selfish and stupid. I was contemplating not going (she would have understood) but decided that it would be fine and I was making too much of an issue out of it, but it really did me in. And I hate that I let it get to me. It wasn't even so much seeing my friend with her cute pregnant belly... it was the fact that every women in that room (who was married) had a child. They were all talking about their pregnancies and baby tips and what they read to their child at bed time. It sucks not being able to join into those conversations.
After that the rest of the day and night was nothing but tears. I couldn't sleep I just kept thinking how unfair it was that I may never experience that. I was glad that I had brought one of my infertility books. It gave me comfort to read it and realise that there are people who understand. I ended up getting up at 4:30am and going to the lobby to read.
The book that I am re-reading has so much information in it. Every word I read I feel like all my weird feelings are normal. Did you know that "infertility patients are second only to Cancer patients in terms of what they will endure for a cure?" And that "women with infertility had levels of emotional distress equal to those of patients with cancer or heart disease. For every failed attempt to conceive, couples experience grief for what could have been. As this is repeated month after month, sometimes for years, it becomes chronic grief." THAT'S ME! How sad is that.
Anyways, you may be hearing from me a little more now. This book has helped me put to words a lot of my feelings.
Until then,
Shannon
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