Decisions, Decisions

I know it's been a long time since I posted.  I've written a few, but felt they were too personal to post.  I've been in a slump again with depression, not severe or anything, but just feeling really sad that time is quickly passing us by with still no baby.  It doesn't help that everyone around us is having babies.

I will be 30 this year.  While I know this is not old (I'm not one to panic about turning 30) it does make me realise that my fertility years are now going to be on the decline.  I had totally planned on having all my children by now and here I am not even close to having my first. 

Because of this Jeff and I have been discussing IVF again.  We are a little more financially secure now (it will still be tough but I think we could manage) and I also feel like we've had enough time to think and pray about it and know for sure that we agree with the ethics surrounding it.  The main decision for us was that we be willing to accept that no matter how many eggs we have left we will give them all a chance.  I mean it is quite likely it will not work at all... but there is also a chance that we could have lots of frozen embryos.  I believe they are babies, not just a cluster of cells, and because of that we will not destroy them.  We also do not feel comfortable putting them up for embryo adoption as I just can't imagine someone raising my child when we've been so desperate for children.  So, that means that no matter how many children we end up with (remember the octo-mom?) we will choose to carry them and let the Lord decide. (EDIT:  Should clarify... I don't mean we will put all the embryo's in at one time... I meant over the years we will give them all a chance!  Sorry if I scared any of you! lol!)

And so, that means that at the moment it's really a matter of deciding when we will go ahead with the procedure.  We were originally thinking next summer after we get back from our trip to Germany and Ireland (it's our 10th Anniversary!).  Now, I'm just so anxious to get the process started that I'm wondering if we should pursue it right away.   Another thing to think about is that we wanted to give the vitamins some time to work... it's been months since we got them but Jeff hasn't really stuck with it with Christmas and now with his back (he crushed a vertebrae).  So, he needs to get back into taking them and seeing if they will make a difference.  Really it will only take 3-4 months to know whether they are working because he will get another Semen Analysis done and we will see if it has improved. 

So that is the jumble of thoughts in my head at the moment.  Lots to think about and pray about.  While the practical side of me says to wait until the summer of 2012 my biological clock is telling me sooner is better.  I'm really tired of everyone else getting to experience pregnancy and Jeff and I sitting on the sidelines.

When we decide I'll be sure to let you all know.  Please pray that we make the right decision!