It's funny how fast your plans can change!

Note: This entry is going to be long... very long! As much as I wanted to share with you what has happened with Jeff, I also wanted to document the events so years from now we can come back and read it. This blog tends to be like a journal for me, so it may be a little wordy and have facts that you might not really care about!

On Wednesday March 10th, Jeff was walking back to the office after dropping off the van at the service station for 1:00pm when he slipped on some ice and fell hard on his left hip. Luckily there was a couple driving by that saw him fall and stopped to help. He managed to pull himself to a bench, but when the couple said they would drive him to the office, he couldn't stand. After a few tries the couple said they had better call an ambulance. So, the ambulance came and brought him to the emergency room.

I got a phone call at 2:30pm from a nurse saying that he had fallen and hurt his hip, and so I rushed out the door (I was staying home that day to write my sermon, so I hadn't showered or put on anything other than my sweatshirt and old jeans). I got to the hospital and saw Jeff lying on a stretcher waiting to go in for X-rays. I must say, on my way to the hospital I was kind of thinking, "what a wuss! I'm sure its just bruised!" lol! As soon as I saw him though I knew it was broken. He was having muscle spasms and each time he would grab the bars of the bed and wince at the pain. I've never seen him in so much pain. It was hard to watch. I knew it was broken because a lady from our previous church broke her hip and she had made the exact same sounds and facial expressions when a muscle spasm hit her.

Jeff was wheeled in for x-rays and although I couldn't be in there with him, I could hear him. He says on a scale from 1-10 (and this is the scale the doctors used to assess his pain) the x-ray was an 11. After waiting for about half-hour, he was wheeled out to a room to wait for the doctor. It wasn't too long before they came in and said it was a bad break and that he would have to be airlifted to Vancouver for the surgery. I was in shock! The nurse said that I would be able to fly with him, and that I should rush home and get a bag packed for him and me and be back ASAP as she wasn't sure when the plane would be ready for him.

So off I run, calling people as I was going. Luckily I only live about 2 minutes from the hospital, so I got home quick. I started throwing things in a bag and calling to cancel meetings, talk to DHQ, get Jeff's sister to look after the animals, and letting our shelter manager know so she could look after the office while we were away. It was so hectic and rushed. I had no idea how long we were going to be gone, and I didn't know what I needed to bring. I ended up packing just one change of clothes for me and the bare necessities.

I rushed back to the hospital and waited there for a while until the paramedics came to get him prepared to fly. I began thinking that I didn't pack enough. Luckily, the paramedic told me I should bring Jeff's boots and coat home as he wouldn't need them in Vancouver. So I rushed home again and packed another bag, giving myself three days worth of clothing.

When I returned to the hospital, Jeff was still being looked after by the paramedics, he had to have a catheter, and IV and they did a marvelous job of tying his legs and feet together and then wrapping a blanket tightly around his hips which for the first time since falling gave him relief from the spasms. He said that the moment they did that his pain went from a 10 to a 1. I was so thankful for the paramedics... they were awesome!

By the time he was all strapped in and ready to be airlifted out it was 6:00pm. they wheeled him out to the ambulance and I got to sit in the front seat. They told me as we were driving to the airport that I could fly down with Jeff, but I may not be able to fly back with him. I didn't care... I would do whatever I could to be there with him.

The airport is only a few minutes drive from the hospital and by the time they got us loaded onto the airplane and we were lifting off it was 6:30pm. I must say, if the circumstances had been better, it would have been a really neat experience. It was just a tiny plane, 3 seats (two paramedics and myself) Jeff on a stretcher, and the pilot and co-pilot. People ask me how big the plane was, I respond by saying "you know it's small when the pilot can lean back and talk to you!" The flight was 3 hours, and it was during that time, when I finally had time to think, that I realised what had happened. I couldn't believe I was on an airplane being flown to Vancouver so my husband could have surgery! It just seemed crazy to me. I had no idea where I would stay or how long we would be there. I didn't know what kind of surgery he would have, or how long the recovery time would be. I didn't know if he would come home after surgery, and I wondered if he did come home how would I manage looking after him, my job, and his job. I thought of the million and one things that would need to be done while we were away and wrote a note of people to call and meetings to cancel. I also realised then that I must have looked horrible, since I hadn't showered, or done anything with my hair that day. As well, I hadn't eaten that day other than a light breakfast, so my stomach kept grumbling. I was a mess! I actually think Jeff had a better flight then I did. His pain was almost nil thanks to the paramedics and he slept the whole way. He said it was the best flight he ever had!

We arrived in Vancouver at 9:30pm and was met by another ambulance. The paramedics said that I could use my cell phone now that we had landed, but of course, I forgot to turn it off before take-off and it had run out of battery power from "roaming". I couldn't believe it. Now I'm stuck in Vancouver, and I can't call anyone, like Jeff's parents and my parents to let them know how he was (I had only been able to leave messages while I was rushing around to get ready in Whitehorse.)

Once Jeff was loaded into the ambulance we took the 20 minute trip to the Vancouver General Hospital (VGH). He went into emergency and it was a flurry of activity there. They were concerned about his temperature and his heart was beating way to fast. They were giving him pain killers, more X-rays (which he was not happy about... they HURT!) and taking his vitals. Then, the worst part, they unwrapped him. The moment they did that he went right back to having muscle spasms and right back to cringing and barely breathing. It was frustrating to see. Thankfully the Doctor came in (eventually) to put a splint on him, which helped with the spasms, but didn't help with the pressure of lying on his back the whole day.

Not long after we arrived at the hospital Jeff's Uncle came to see how we were. I had only met Uncle Ted once at our wedding, but was I ever thankful to see him! It was nice having someone to talk to and to support me. He came back to the emergency room and was able to think for me! He asked where I could plug my phone in (so I was then able to update the parents), and got me a hotel room. I stayed at the hospital until about 2:30am and then let Uncle Ted get me set up at the hotel. It was really hard leaving Jeff there, but I knew that I would be of no use to him if I burned myself out.

The next morning I woke up early to phone the hospital to see if Jeff was okay and when he would be in surgery. The nurse said that he was fine and I should call back about 8:15 once the doctor did his rounds to see when he would be in surgery. So I got ready and phoned at 8:15. That's when I found out that Jeff had just been moved to the holding room waiting for the OR to open up. I asked if I could still see him there, to which they told me no. I was also not able to talk to him. I was devastated. I don't think I've cried so much before in my life! I felt like the worst wife ever. All I kept thinking is that he would wonder why I didn't come to see him, and that I didn't care about what he was going through.

Thankfully at about 10:00am I got a call from the nurses saying that Jeff was heading into surgery within a half-hour and he would like to talk to me. The moment I heard his voice I bawled... poor guy! Here he was going into surgery and I was sobbing on the phone! lol! I told him how much I wanted to be there but I had missed him, and that I loved him. He was fine of course.. he figured that was what happened. I only talked to him for a couple minutes, but it made me sooo much more relaxed while I waited for him to come out of surgery.

At about 1:00pm I received a call from the surgeon saying everything went well. They had placed a 16 inch nail through his femur up into the ball of the joint. It took three incisions, one at his knee, one at his hip and one halfway between the two. They were small incisions. The surgeon said that for the next while he would be in recovery and that when he was sent back to his room I could come see him.

It wasn't until around 3:30pm that I got a call from the nurse saying that he was heading back to his room. I ran over to the hospital to see him. He was looking pretty good and alert for just being out of surgery. The alertness didn't stay for too long though! lol! For the next couple days he mostly slept.

Physiotherapy started working with him the next day. That first day they got him to stand with a walker and sit in a wheel chair for about an hour. The next day he stood with the walker, walked to the washroom and then sat in the chair for a little over an hour. The following day he walked with the walker out to the nurses station and back and also the washroom and wheelchair again. I was amazed at how much change there was every day with his movement.

Still, even though he was able to walk a few steps and sit in a chair, he was needing help to get in and out of bed, using the washroom and cleaning up (sponge baths). I took on the job after the first couple days, since I would have to do it all for him when we got home. I will admit it was kind of nice being needed like that! It felt a little like taking care of a 6'2" baby! :o)

On Saturday, Jeff's mom and my parents came to Vancouver to see us. Shelley stayed until Wednesday, my parents just stayed until Sunday at lunch (they had to go back to work at a camp). It was really nice having their support. When your usual support is the one that's sick it quite hard to get through the day on your own. So many times when I was at the hotel I would think of something to tell Jeff and then remember I couldn't. It was pretty lonely... but worse than that was knowing that Jeff was alone at the hospital.

On Sunday towards the end of the afternoon depression started to hit Jeff. It was quite sudden (but not unexpected). Do you know how hard it is to see your husband feeling sad? I hated it. He didn't want me to leave that night, and I stayed until 10:00pm but knew that if I didn't get home and get some sleep (and eat... I think I ate about one meal a day while I was there) I wouldn't be able to keep looking after him. It was so hard leaving him that night... and actually every night after that.

Sunday was also when the Doctor came to say that Jeff was released and they had put in the request for Whitehorse hospital to send the plane back to pick us up. Unfortunately the plane can take anywhere from 1-7 days to come. We were praying for 1 day!

Thankfully the next day we were told that the plane would be leaving Whitehorse at 3:00pm and we would be airlifted back home at 6:30pm. BEST NEWS EVER! So Monday was pretty exciting. Jeff's mom and I took him outside in the wheelchair, hoping the fresh air would help him cheer up a little. It worked for the time being. Days weren't as bad as nights for the depression.

At 5:45pm the paramedics came to get him and we headed off to the airport. At 6:30pm sharp we were on the plane and heading back home. the flight went well, and the paramedics were quite impressed with how little pain Jeff had. Actually, even the nurses and physiotherapist at VGH were pleased with his progress and how well he was doing. I guess most patients with broken hips are not 29 years old! :oP

We arrived back in Whitehorse at 9:00pm and were brought to the emergency room to wait for the doctor to assess him and assign a room. I think of all the waiting I had done up to the point, that felt the longest. I believe we were there for almost 2 hours. I just wanted to see him get settled and get home to see the dog and sleep in my own bed! It was tough being so close to home, yet not being able to go there. I can only imagine what it felt like for Jeff.

At about 11:45pm we were taken to a room upstairs and the nurse got him settled in. It was 12:30am when I finally left and went home. The animals were excited to see me and I was excited to see them. I was looking forward to sleeping in my own bed, but I still didn't sleep too well. My thoughts were always on Jeff. I hated leaving him at night cause that's when he would get lonely and sad. Poor guy.

Tuesday the physiotherapist came to see him and was very impressed with his movement. He actually had him walking the halls and doing a whole flight of stairs (7 of them!) both ways. WOW! I was impressed. He no longer needed the walker and was now on crutches. Tuesday afternoon I was able to get him in the shower, which had to feel great after a week of sitting in bed and only getting sponge baths. I must say, the bathroom was almost flooded by the time he was done and out! lol! Poor janitor!

Not long after, our family doctor came and said that he was free to go home. I panicked a little! I hadn't had time to get the house prepared nor to pick up the items we would need to loan from the Red Cross. So, Jeff stayed in the hospital that night so I could get everything done.

On Wednesday, one week after his fall, Jeff came home. It was late afternoon by the time he was discharged (he did some more stairs and walking and I was taught how to dress his incisions). He surprisingly didn't find it too hard to get into the van or to come up the stairs into the house, which were worries we had at first. It really helps that he's a strong guy and can use his arms to lift himself up.

Once home he was pretty tired and went to bed for pretty much the rest of the day. He finds if he's up too much, he gets really exhausted, though everyday it gets better and better.

It's been nice to be home, but at the same time a little stressful. We aren't equipped with a bed that lowers and moves (which is the way he was able to get comfortable at the hospital). As well, our bathroom isn't exactly "handicap" accessible, so its been a challenge with the items Red Cross gave us to use. I think we've modified it well enough though.

The nights are still the worst part of the day. Jeff can't seem to sleep on his side yet, and so sleeping on his back is becoming tiresome. Then, every few hours he's up to take his pill or use the bathroom, which all include me. I don't mind at all doing it (I'm actually liking that he depends on me... must be the mothering side of me!) but I am alittle concerned about how I'm going to do once I head back to the office.

This morning at 8:30am our social worker came to the house to do an interview with me. I figured it would be a good test to see how it would go, being up early and having Jeff settled before she got here. It worked out well, though I did have an extra hour then what I planned because my alarm clock went off at 6:00am rather than 7:00am!

Tomorrow Jeff goes to our family doctor to have a check-up and to get his staples out. I hope everything is okay with the incisions. They look really good but what do I know!

Jeff has another 4 weeks to go before he has another x-ray to see how the bone healed. If all goes okay he will head back to work and normal activities then. I don't see it being a problem, considering how great he's doing so far. What this does mean for me though is that for the next 4 weeks I'm on my own. I will be looking after him, the house, my job and his job. It's going to be hectic and to tell you the truth I'm a little nervous about it. But thankfully over the next month we are going to be having lots of company. Mom and Dad are coming this Friday for a couple weeks, then our Divisional Commander is coming to do our review (sorry for any non-Salvation Army folks who don't understand those terms!) Next will be our friends from BC for a week, and then Jeff's dad will come at the end of April. It will be nice to have some help and company around.

So, for the next while I will be concentrating on Jeff and getting him back on his feet (and making more and more fun of his "old person" injury), as well as keeping The Salvation Army here afloat (with lots of help from our great staff and DHQ). Thankfully the homestudy process will still be able to continue, though it will set us back a few sessions.

If you've read through this entire entry I congratulate you and I ask, as always, for your prayers!

Shannon

YIKES... kids need a lot of things!

We've now had two homestudy meetings and each have been great. I think we've connected well with our social worker and the best part is that she's a Christian, so she understands our beliefs and values. So far we've just gone over family history, our thoughts on certain subjects, and how we would describe ourselves. She has also walked through the house, and seemed pleased. There are a few things that we will obviously need to change and fix before we have a child (ie. childproofing) but for right now it's all good.

This past week I've been thinking a lot about what we need to buy for a child, and I must say I'm a little freaked out! lol! Jeff and I went to Walmart the other day and ventured into the baby section (which may I say felt very strange!) and we were looking at all the things we will need. There's TONS of things to think about, and tons of money to be spent! It's a little overwhelming... so I think we will just start to buy stuff now. I'm thinking things like sippy cups, bath towels and childproofing items are safe to get since whether we get an infant or a toddler we will need them. I've started a list of what we will need... if you want to give me any pointers I would love to have them!

We are trying to stay realistic about how long it may take to be placed with a child, but I will admit it's hard not to dream about it. I just hope that when the time comes we are as prepared as we can be!

Homestudy

Last week we recieved a call from the adoption co-ordinator who wanted to know where we were with our criminal record checks. I think I mentioned in the last post that the fingerprints that we sent away to Ottawa to get processed came back because we didn't send in everything that was needed. So I told her that we were now having to start all over and send them again (it takes 3 months for them to be processed). She said that's too bad because a social worker just had a spot open that she would have liked us to take. My heart dropped! I was thinking "GREAT when will the next spot open!". But thankfully she said that even without all the paperwork in place she was going to let us take that spot! So tomorrow we will be starting our homestudy! YAY! We are really excited to start this process. Once our homestudy is complete we will officially be on the waiting list for a child. As well we will be able to start getting our name out there that we are looking for a child that needs a loving home. Don't be surprised if you get an e-mail from me asking you to keep your ears open for us!

I'm hoping the homestudy doesn't take too long. Our worker said that it usually takes about 4 months. She did say however that she would like to speed that up a little for us. We were told that this social worker doesn't like to let the dust settle on things and really likes to just get it done, which is awesome news for us! I really hope that we connect well with her and that she likes us. I feel a little like Monica and Chandler on Friends! lol!

Keep the prayers coming everyone... we are very thankful for them!

Shannon

A New Year...

Hellooooooo out there..... Anyone check this thing anymore?? I doubt it. Considering I haven't written a real entry here in a LONG time. Actually I wouldn't have even thought to come and write tonight if it hadn't been for a conversation I had with a friend today. Talking with her shortly about the journey we've been on reminded me that in just a few weeks we will have been TTC for 6 years. 6 YEARS! That seems impossible. The time has gone by very quickly.

I've spent some of the day reading all my old posts and remembering the last few years and the struggles and sorrows that were in them. It's funny though... at one time reading all of those would have made me very sad, but I haven't cried about our struggle with infertility for a very long time now. Funny how things change. I never thought the day would come that I could feel... whats the word... normal! I use to ask my mom (who struggled with infertility herself) when it would get easier. When would the day come that I could be happy for a friend who just found out she's pregnant? When would I be able to hold another person's child and not feel like my heart would crush under the weight of wishing, praying that I could be a mom? When would I be able to truly give it over to God... knowing, not just in my head but in my heart, that his timing, his plan is far better than mine? She use to say that it would just come... one day, some day. And here it is! Do I still feel that slight heartbreak in my chest when I think of it... yes, but it's softened. It's finally at that place where I can live a day without feeling overwhelmed by it. And I am so thankful to God for my continued healing.

Maybe all of this is due in part to the fact that we have started the adoption process. In July we met with the adoption coordinator (which was very successful I believe) and began the paperwork that would be needed to bring a child(ren) into our home. In November we started an adoption class, learning about the troubles and problems these poor children would have because of their upbringing. I must say, instead of coming out of these classes filling better prepared, I was feeling much more worried about what we were getting ourselves in to. We work very closely here in Whitehorse with some very troubled people, a lot of them having been through the foster care and adoption process themselves. Most children here (along with our clients) suffer from FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome). If you have ever spoken with, seen, or tried to help someone with FAS you will know that it is very challenging and can be very heartbreaking. To know that quite likely a child that is chosen for us could have FAS or a myriad of other debilitating and challenging conditions is a little scary when I see the effects of that on peoples lives everyday.

As well, since we are working through the social services system, the children have been taken from their parents not relinquished... and most of those parents happen to be our clients. It all hit home for me just how scary all this was on the last day of our class. A panel of adoptive parents who have been through the system came to answer questions about the process, the joys, the pains. One mother described how since her daughter has been living with her she fears bringing her out in public, afraid that the birth family will see them and cause a scene. She mentioned how just before coming to the class that day she had seen the birth father. She described him and mentioned that thankfully he was so intoxicated and had gone so far down hill that he didn't recognise her. Jeff and I looked at each other and we knew right away who she was talking about... he is one of our regular clients. Sure enough, later we learned the name of the birth father and we were right.

It was in this moment that I began to realise that maybe this was not going to work. Jeff and I are already well known here because of the people we work with. Our clients know where we work, where we live, and they know that on Sundays at 11:00 we are at the church. What happens if we adopt a child of a client of ours who is not happy about losing their baby? How do I deal with the situation if they come to Church on Sunday morning and cause a fuss? I very quickly felt my heart sink as I worried about whether or not we would be able to go through with the adoption process.

But, It was the next story from a lady on the panel that raised my hopes once again. She adopted her sons by writing a generic letter to potential birth moms and putting together a profile made of pictures and information on their lives and sending it to the doctors here in town. The idea is that when a patient who is pregnant comes into see the doctor and mentions that she's looking into adoption he can go to his drawer and pull out the letter and information and let her look through it. It is then up to her (or the doctor) to give the adoptive parents a call and make the first move. This way is called private adoption.

With this kind of adoption the birth mother is giving up her rights to the child... no one is forcing her. As well, the fact that she is seeing a family doctor gives a little more chance that she will be taking care of herself during the pregnancy, meaning less chances of FAS and drug addicted babies.

I knew right away that this would have to be the way we proceed. Of course we will still keep our names on the list to adopt, but we will also go this route. Once our homestudy is completed (hopefully before the summer) we will put together our profile and send it to all the doctors here in town. As well we will send it to people we know all across Canada. Once we have an approved homestudy we are eligible to adopt anywhere in Canada. I've actually thought that we would put together a Facebook page so that friends can direct potential birth moms that they know of to the page to take a look.

But, all of this is still a ways off. We haven't even received back our fingerprints for our police check yet! And the homestudy is a long process taking months to complete. And if you know me, you'll know that by this time next week everything could be changed and we might be deciding on something completely different! lol! Such is my life.

Well, I think I've given a pretty sufficient update. Of course there are tons more things to write about... but it is getting late and I've run out of the energy to continue on (as I'm sure you have in reading it!). I thank each and everyone of my friends and family for being so supportive through this whole journey. I don't think I would be where I am today if it were not for you... and of course the Lord :o)

Blessings to you all in this new year!

Psalm 73 - A Psalm of the Infertile Woman

A few years ago I was praying through the Psalms and when I read Psalm 73 I felt compelled to "re-work" it to reflect my life. I quickly jotted it down and tucked it away.

I came upon it yesterday after unpacking a box and reflected back on how I was feeling at the time. Since then many things have changed in my heart. I feel I have finally come to a place where I have given over to God my "obsession" to have a child. My focus now is not on fulfilling my wants, but instead on fulfilling the need of a child for a mother. Even though I pray each day to feel a child in my womb, I am no longer consumed by it. I hope you enjoy the following Psalm...

Psalm 73
A Psalm of the Infertile Woman

Surely God is good to the infertile women,
to those who crave a child.

But as for me, my heart had almost lost hope;
I had nearly given up.
For I envied the pregnant
when I saw their rounded bellies.
They have children;
healthy and strong.
They are free from the torture of childlessness;
they are not plagued by desires of
motherhood.

Therefore pride of their children is shown on the walls
Their artwork displayed on the fridge
The stories of their children have no limit

They give advice and suggestions
and claim it will cure our problem.
Their mouths speak out words of emptiness
mixed with false hope.
Therefore, People believe them and forget that
GOD holds the hope.

This is what the mothers are like –
always carefree, they increase their family

Surely in vain have I dreamt of a child;
in vain have I prayed to conceive.
All day long I am plagued by my wants,
I am punished at the end of each month

If I had said all I felt
I would have ruined relationships
When I try to understand all this
it brings me down further
Till I pray to God and enter His presence
Then I understand their own struggles.

Surely they have their own issues
That may break them in an instant.
How suddenly their world could come crashing down
if something were to happen.

As in a dream I awake and realise
we all have problems.

When my heart was grieving;
A child never there;
My spirit became embittered by it.
I was not thinking and was ignorant
of you and your love for me.

Yet I know you are always with me;
You hold me in your arms.
You guide me with your Spirit
And when all is said and done
I will meet you in heaven

Who do I need more, but you?
No child could ever give me what you can.

My quest for a baby may fail
But God is the strength of my heart
And all I need forever.

Praying

Do you know what I have enjoyed these last couple weeks? Praying for our child. It is quite likely that our son or daughter has already been born (unless we get an infant when we adopt). That is both exciting and scary. I pray everyday that God will protect them until we are together as a family. It scares me to think what they may be facing in their young lives.

I also imagine that somewhere out there a child is praying for us too. Not us specifically of course, but for a mom and dad. I pray that we will be great parents.. understanding, patient and loving. I pray that God will help me with the skills I will need for a child that has been through a tough life.

I would appreciate any prayers for Jeff and I as we go through this journey to get our family.

Shannon

Finally... an UPDATE!

Wow, it has been a long time since I've written on here. As you probably figured out, after my last post I was pretty discouraged and because of that lost all will to update. Well, a lot has happened since September so let me fill you in (this will be long!).

Jeff and I did see the doctor eventually (in January) after deciding that IVF would definitely be out for us. We went wanting to discuss another option... IUI. IUI is a much cheaper procedure (about 400 bucks a month) but it is not nearly as successful. With IVF we had about an 80% chance of getting pregnant... with the IUI our chances only go up to 5 % (from the 1% chance we have now without treatment). The doctor was not so pleased that we wanted to go this route (I'm not so pleased with him actually but oh well!) but gave in and told us we could do three rounds. So he wrote us out the prescription for Clomid and told us we could start with my next cycle.

Well, February 1st was the beginning of my next cycle, so I called in to let them know that I would be doing a round of IUI that month. A couple days later I get a call saying that they missed a blood test (rubella immunity) on me and that I needed to go and have it done before I could do the IUI. I asked whether I should still take the clomid, and they said yes, go ahead. I had the blood test done that day.

5 days later (after I had taken all my clomid) I get a call saying that the blood test came back negative and that I was not immune to rubella (even though my mom is pretty sure I was vaccinated when I was child). I was devastated. I had just taken my last "crazy" pill ($60), had just paid for the administration part of the IUI ($75) and now I find out I have to cancel the cycle!! They told me that I had to go right away and get vaccinated for Rubella and I couldn't get pregnant until 4 weeks after the shot. Actually it was kind of funny... they told me to use birth control as well so I wouldn't get pregnant that month. HA!! Like that would happen!

Because I can't get pregnant for four weeks after the shot, this cycle was out for IUI as well. So, next month we will try the process again and see what happens. To tell you the truth I'm not all that hopeful about it... but am willing to give it a try just in case.

Now, the other big development that has happened since September is that we have decided that we will apply to adopt a child through social services!! We are sooooo excited about it! Jeff was actually the one to bring it up (on the way back from our doctors appointment in January) and I was the one that was more against it... kind of a reversal from a few years ago! The last couple months though, the more I thought of it, the more it seemed that this was the plan God had for our lives... even if we have biological children. It just began to feel right.

Well, last Wednesday we went to an adoption information meeting in Calgary to see what it would involve. We came out of there feeling positive that this was what we needed to do. We both just felt a peace about it. Jeff actually came out saying that there was no way we couldn't do it!

The problem with this plan to adopt is that there is a high probability that we will be moving this year or next year. Because of that we can't apply while we are here in High River. We have decided that whenever we move we will begin the application process right away. I get so excited thinking about it!

Jeff and I have also decided (and this may change as time goes on) that we would like to apply for a child between the ages of 0-5. We are also willing to adopt a sibling group and children with some physical disabilities (blind, deaf, missing limbs etc.) but not mental disabilities. I just can't make a conscience decision to take on a child that may need to be dependant on us for the rest of our lives. Saying that, if God chooses that child for us we will love them completely and face the challenges, but right now I can't knowingly take that on.

So, there it is... our update! I want to thank you all for praying for us and helping us through this emotional roller coaster. I know we are still on it, but I feel like we are rounding the last bend.

Please keep praying for us!

Shannon

IVF is out

We got a letter from the fund today that said we were approved for $3000.00. I am so disappointed. That leaves us trying to come up with $9500.00... and that just isn't possible right now. So, needless to say I am once again crushed. I just want something to work out... something that will move us along to finally being parents.

I did phone the doctors office to set up an appointment. I want to see if it is possible to use the grant money for treatment other then IVF... for example a round of injectables with IUI (which the $3000 would cover easily.. maybe even two rounds). When we were last there the doctor said this wasn't really an option for us because the percentage of success was low, but the way I figure it, IVF is out of the picture so it's worth a try right? Without the doctors recommendation though, I know we won't be able to use the money. So we will see.

Anyways, I may write more later... not really in the mood to write right now, but I wanted to let you all know.

Shannon

Prayers for Tuesday night please!!

This past weekend I wrote an e-mail to the "Generations of Hope" fund to see if they had even received our application. Since we sent it by mail, and we hadn't heard anything from them, I wanted to make sure that they had it. Well we got a response back today that they have received it and that it should make it on their agenda for tomorrow night!! We should hear back sometime either late this week or early next week. I'm so excited, even though it may come back saying we weren't approved, but at least then we will know and can plan our future accordingly.

Anyways, I just wanted to let you all know and ask that you pray tomorrow night that the right decision will be made (whether it's to approve it or not) and that we will be able to accept whatever outcome. I really feel that this will help give us some clarification on what God's will is in all of this. If it's approved then I know that we can move forward... if not I know God is stopping it for some reason or another.

Thanks in advance for your prayers and as soon as we hear I will let you all know!

Shannon

Midnight Ramblings...

I've been re-reading my old blog entries tonight and I am both encouraged and saddened by them.

First, reading everyone's encouraging words and sensing their love for us has made me realise how blessed we really are. We have amazing family and friends. I can't thank you enough for supporting us.

But mostly tonight I am saddened. As I read old posts I realised just how long we have been trying. I realise the kind of roller coaster we have been on. My oldest posts are all about hope, and then it turns to anger, then to extreme grief, and then nothing. That's what I feel like lately... nothing. Sure I still cry here and there, but for the most part I feel numb. I feel like I am just floating, like my feet aren't touching the ground. Its an odd feeling, to feel nothing.

Jeff and I have pretty much stopped TTC and to tell you the truth the break has been nice. For months now, when AF comes I am not depressed by it at all. I know when to expect her and I know (most months without a shadow of a doubt) that I am not pregnant.

But this month I've been feeling like I need to touch the ground again. I feel kind of lost... or something. I don't really know what it is. All I know is that I don't think it is good for me to be feeling nothing... to feel empty. Maybe that's what it is... emptiness. Hmm.. I may have to think on that.