Hellooooooo out there..... Anyone check this thing anymore?? I doubt it. Considering I haven't written a real entry here in a LONG time. Actually I wouldn't have even thought to come and write tonight if it hadn't been for a conversation I had with a friend today. Talking with her shortly about the journey we've been on reminded me that in just a few weeks we will have been TTC for 6 years. 6 YEARS! That seems impossible. The time has gone by very quickly.
I've spent some of the day reading all my old posts and remembering the last few years and the struggles and sorrows that were in them. It's funny though... at one time reading all of those would have made me very sad, but I haven't cried about our struggle with infertility for a very long time now. Funny how things change. I never thought the day would come that I could feel... whats the word... normal! I use to ask my mom (who struggled with infertility herself) when it would get easier. When would the day come that I could be happy for a friend who just found out she's pregnant? When would I be able to hold another person's child and not feel like my heart would crush under the weight of wishing, praying that I could be a mom? When would I be able to truly give it over to God... knowing, not just in my head but in my heart, that his timing, his plan is far better than mine? She use to say that it would just come... one day, some day. And here it is! Do I still feel that slight heartbreak in my chest when I think of it... yes, but it's softened. It's finally at that place where I can live a day without feeling overwhelmed by it. And I am so thankful to God for my continued healing.
Maybe all of this is due in part to the fact that we have started the adoption process. In July we met with the adoption coordinator (which was very successful I believe) and began the paperwork that would be needed to bring a child(ren) into our home. In November we started an adoption class, learning about the troubles and problems these poor children would have because of their upbringing. I must say, instead of coming out of these classes filling better prepared, I was feeling much more worried about what we were getting ourselves in to. We work very closely here in Whitehorse with some very troubled people, a lot of them having been through the foster care and adoption process themselves. Most children here (along with our clients) suffer from FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome). If you have ever spoken with, seen, or tried to help someone with FAS you will know that it is very challenging and can be very heartbreaking. To know that quite likely a child that is chosen for us could have FAS or a myriad of other debilitating and challenging conditions is a little scary when I see the effects of that on peoples lives everyday.
As well, since we are working through the social services system, the children have been taken from their parents not relinquished... and most of those parents happen to be our clients. It all hit home for me just how scary all this was on the last day of our class. A panel of adoptive parents who have been through the system came to answer questions about the process, the joys, the pains. One mother described how since her daughter has been living with her she fears bringing her out in public, afraid that the birth family will see them and cause a scene. She mentioned how just before coming to the class that day she had seen the birth father. She described him and mentioned that thankfully he was so intoxicated and had gone so far down hill that he didn't recognise her. Jeff and I looked at each other and we knew right away who she was talking about... he is one of our regular clients. Sure enough, later we learned the name of the birth father and we were right.
It was in this moment that I began to realise that maybe this was not going to work. Jeff and I are already well known here because of the people we work with. Our clients know where we work, where we live, and they know that on Sundays at 11:00 we are at the church. What happens if we adopt a child of a client of ours who is not happy about losing their baby? How do I deal with the situation if they come to Church on Sunday morning and cause a fuss? I very quickly felt my heart sink as I worried about whether or not we would be able to go through with the adoption process.
But, It was the next story from a lady on the panel that raised my hopes once again. She adopted her sons by writing a generic letter to potential birth moms and putting together a profile made of pictures and information on their lives and sending it to the doctors here in town. The idea is that when a patient who is pregnant comes into see the doctor and mentions that she's looking into adoption he can go to his drawer and pull out the letter and information and let her look through it. It is then up to her (or the doctor) to give the adoptive parents a call and make the first move. This way is called private adoption.
With this kind of adoption the birth mother is giving up her rights to the child... no one is forcing her. As well, the fact that she is seeing a family doctor gives a little more chance that she will be taking care of herself during the pregnancy, meaning less chances of FAS and drug addicted babies.
I knew right away that this would have to be the way we proceed. Of course we will still keep our names on the list to adopt, but we will also go this route. Once our homestudy is completed (hopefully before the summer) we will put together our profile and send it to all the doctors here in town. As well we will send it to people we know all across Canada. Once we have an approved homestudy we are eligible to adopt anywhere in Canada. I've actually thought that we would put together a Facebook page so that friends can direct potential birth moms that they know of to the page to take a look.
But, all of this is still a ways off. We haven't even received back our fingerprints for our police check yet! And the homestudy is a long process taking months to complete. And if you know me, you'll know that by this time next week everything could be changed and we might be deciding on something completely different! lol! Such is my life.
Well, I think I've given a pretty sufficient update. Of course there are tons more things to write about... but it is getting late and I've run out of the energy to continue on (as I'm sure you have in reading it!). I thank each and everyone of my friends and family for being so supportive through this whole journey. I don't think I would be where I am today if it were not for you... and of course the Lord :o)
Blessings to you all in this new year!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Psalm 73 - A Psalm of the Infertile Woman
A few years ago I was praying through the Psalms and when I read Psalm 73 I felt compelled to "re-work" it to reflect my life. I quickly jotted it down and tucked it away.
I came upon it yesterday after unpacking a box and reflected back on how I was feeling at the time. Since then many things have changed in my heart. I feel I have finally come to a place where I have given over to God my "obsession" to have a child. My focus now is not on fulfilling my wants, but instead on fulfilling the need of a child for a mother. Even though I pray each day to feel a child in my womb, I am no longer consumed by it. I hope you enjoy the following Psalm...
Psalm 73
A Psalm of the Infertile Woman
Surely God is good to the infertile women,
to those who crave a child.
But as for me, my heart had almost lost hope;
I had nearly given up.
For I envied the pregnant
when I saw their rounded bellies.
They have children;
healthy and strong.
They are free from the torture of childlessness;
they are not plagued by desires of
motherhood.
Therefore pride of their children is shown on the walls
Their artwork displayed on the fridge
The stories of their children have no limit
They give advice and suggestions
and claim it will cure our problem.
Their mouths speak out words of emptiness
mixed with false hope.
Therefore, People believe them and forget that
GOD holds the hope.
This is what the mothers are like –
always carefree, they increase their family
Surely in vain have I dreamt of a child;
in vain have I prayed to conceive.
All day long I am plagued by my wants,
I am punished at the end of each month
If I had said all I felt
I would have ruined relationships
When I try to understand all this
it brings me down further
Till I pray to God and enter His presence
Then I understand their own struggles.
Surely they have their own issues
That may break them in an instant.
How suddenly their world could come crashing down
if something were to happen.
As in a dream I awake and realise
we all have problems.
When my heart was grieving;
A child never there;
My spirit became embittered by it.
I was not thinking and was ignorant
of you and your love for me.
Yet I know you are always with me;
You hold me in your arms.
You guide me with your Spirit
And when all is said and done
I will meet you in heaven
Who do I need more, but you?
No child could ever give me what you can.
My quest for a baby may fail
But God is the strength of my heart
And all I need forever.
I came upon it yesterday after unpacking a box and reflected back on how I was feeling at the time. Since then many things have changed in my heart. I feel I have finally come to a place where I have given over to God my "obsession" to have a child. My focus now is not on fulfilling my wants, but instead on fulfilling the need of a child for a mother. Even though I pray each day to feel a child in my womb, I am no longer consumed by it. I hope you enjoy the following Psalm...
Psalm 73
A Psalm of the Infertile Woman
Surely God is good to the infertile women,
to those who crave a child.
But as for me, my heart had almost lost hope;
I had nearly given up.
For I envied the pregnant
when I saw their rounded bellies.
They have children;
healthy and strong.
They are free from the torture of childlessness;
they are not plagued by desires of
motherhood.
Therefore pride of their children is shown on the walls
Their artwork displayed on the fridge
The stories of their children have no limit
They give advice and suggestions
and claim it will cure our problem.
Their mouths speak out words of emptiness
mixed with false hope.
Therefore, People believe them and forget that
GOD holds the hope.
This is what the mothers are like –
always carefree, they increase their family
Surely in vain have I dreamt of a child;
in vain have I prayed to conceive.
All day long I am plagued by my wants,
I am punished at the end of each month
If I had said all I felt
I would have ruined relationships
When I try to understand all this
it brings me down further
Till I pray to God and enter His presence
Then I understand their own struggles.
Surely they have their own issues
That may break them in an instant.
How suddenly their world could come crashing down
if something were to happen.
As in a dream I awake and realise
we all have problems.
When my heart was grieving;
A child never there;
My spirit became embittered by it.
I was not thinking and was ignorant
of you and your love for me.
Yet I know you are always with me;
You hold me in your arms.
You guide me with your Spirit
And when all is said and done
I will meet you in heaven
Who do I need more, but you?
No child could ever give me what you can.
My quest for a baby may fail
But God is the strength of my heart
And all I need forever.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Praying
Do you know what I have enjoyed these last couple weeks? Praying for our child. It is quite likely that our son or daughter has already been born (unless we get an infant when we adopt). That is both exciting and scary. I pray everyday that God will protect them until we are together as a family. It scares me to think what they may be facing in their young lives.
I also imagine that somewhere out there a child is praying for us too. Not us specifically of course, but for a mom and dad. I pray that we will be great parents.. understanding, patient and loving. I pray that God will help me with the skills I will need for a child that has been through a tough life.
I would appreciate any prayers for Jeff and I as we go through this journey to get our family.
Shannon
I also imagine that somewhere out there a child is praying for us too. Not us specifically of course, but for a mom and dad. I pray that we will be great parents.. understanding, patient and loving. I pray that God will help me with the skills I will need for a child that has been through a tough life.
I would appreciate any prayers for Jeff and I as we go through this journey to get our family.
Shannon
Friday, March 13, 2009
Finally... an UPDATE!
Wow, it has been a long time since I've written on here. As you probably figured out, after my last post I was pretty discouraged and because of that lost all will to update. Well, a lot has happened since September so let me fill you in (this will be long!).
Jeff and I did see the doctor eventually (in January) after deciding that IVF would definitely be out for us. We went wanting to discuss another option... IUI. IUI is a much cheaper procedure (about 400 bucks a month) but it is not nearly as successful. With IVF we had about an 80% chance of getting pregnant... with the IUI our chances only go up to 5 % (from the 1% chance we have now without treatment). The doctor was not so pleased that we wanted to go this route (I'm not so pleased with him actually but oh well!) but gave in and told us we could do three rounds. So he wrote us out the prescription for Clomid and told us we could start with my next cycle.
Well, February 1st was the beginning of my next cycle, so I called in to let them know that I would be doing a round of IUI that month. A couple days later I get a call saying that they missed a blood test (rubella immunity) on me and that I needed to go and have it done before I could do the IUI. I asked whether I should still take the clomid, and they said yes, go ahead. I had the blood test done that day.
5 days later (after I had taken all my clomid) I get a call saying that the blood test came back negative and that I was not immune to rubella (even though my mom is pretty sure I was vaccinated when I was child). I was devastated. I had just taken my last "crazy" pill ($60), had just paid for the administration part of the IUI ($75) and now I find out I have to cancel the cycle!! They told me that I had to go right away and get vaccinated for Rubella and I couldn't get pregnant until 4 weeks after the shot. Actually it was kind of funny... they told me to use birth control as well so I wouldn't get pregnant that month. HA!! Like that would happen!
Because I can't get pregnant for four weeks after the shot, this cycle was out for IUI as well. So, next month we will try the process again and see what happens. To tell you the truth I'm not all that hopeful about it... but am willing to give it a try just in case.
Now, the other big development that has happened since September is that we have decided that we will apply to adopt a child through social services!! We are sooooo excited about it! Jeff was actually the one to bring it up (on the way back from our doctors appointment in January) and I was the one that was more against it... kind of a reversal from a few years ago! The last couple months though, the more I thought of it, the more it seemed that this was the plan God had for our lives... even if we have biological children. It just began to feel right.
Well, last Wednesday we went to an adoption information meeting in Calgary to see what it would involve. We came out of there feeling positive that this was what we needed to do. We both just felt a peace about it. Jeff actually came out saying that there was no way we couldn't do it!
The problem with this plan to adopt is that there is a high probability that we will be moving this year or next year. Because of that we can't apply while we are here in High River. We have decided that whenever we move we will begin the application process right away. I get so excited thinking about it!
Jeff and I have also decided (and this may change as time goes on) that we would like to apply for a child between the ages of 0-5. We are also willing to adopt a sibling group and children with some physical disabilities (blind, deaf, missing limbs etc.) but not mental disabilities. I just can't make a conscience decision to take on a child that may need to be dependant on us for the rest of our lives. Saying that, if God chooses that child for us we will love them completely and face the challenges, but right now I can't knowingly take that on.
So, there it is... our update! I want to thank you all for praying for us and helping us through this emotional roller coaster. I know we are still on it, but I feel like we are rounding the last bend.
Please keep praying for us!
Shannon
Jeff and I did see the doctor eventually (in January) after deciding that IVF would definitely be out for us. We went wanting to discuss another option... IUI. IUI is a much cheaper procedure (about 400 bucks a month) but it is not nearly as successful. With IVF we had about an 80% chance of getting pregnant... with the IUI our chances only go up to 5 % (from the 1% chance we have now without treatment). The doctor was not so pleased that we wanted to go this route (I'm not so pleased with him actually but oh well!) but gave in and told us we could do three rounds. So he wrote us out the prescription for Clomid and told us we could start with my next cycle.
Well, February 1st was the beginning of my next cycle, so I called in to let them know that I would be doing a round of IUI that month. A couple days later I get a call saying that they missed a blood test (rubella immunity) on me and that I needed to go and have it done before I could do the IUI. I asked whether I should still take the clomid, and they said yes, go ahead. I had the blood test done that day.
5 days later (after I had taken all my clomid) I get a call saying that the blood test came back negative and that I was not immune to rubella (even though my mom is pretty sure I was vaccinated when I was child). I was devastated. I had just taken my last "crazy" pill ($60), had just paid for the administration part of the IUI ($75) and now I find out I have to cancel the cycle!! They told me that I had to go right away and get vaccinated for Rubella and I couldn't get pregnant until 4 weeks after the shot. Actually it was kind of funny... they told me to use birth control as well so I wouldn't get pregnant that month. HA!! Like that would happen!
Because I can't get pregnant for four weeks after the shot, this cycle was out for IUI as well. So, next month we will try the process again and see what happens. To tell you the truth I'm not all that hopeful about it... but am willing to give it a try just in case.
Now, the other big development that has happened since September is that we have decided that we will apply to adopt a child through social services!! We are sooooo excited about it! Jeff was actually the one to bring it up (on the way back from our doctors appointment in January) and I was the one that was more against it... kind of a reversal from a few years ago! The last couple months though, the more I thought of it, the more it seemed that this was the plan God had for our lives... even if we have biological children. It just began to feel right.
Well, last Wednesday we went to an adoption information meeting in Calgary to see what it would involve. We came out of there feeling positive that this was what we needed to do. We both just felt a peace about it. Jeff actually came out saying that there was no way we couldn't do it!
The problem with this plan to adopt is that there is a high probability that we will be moving this year or next year. Because of that we can't apply while we are here in High River. We have decided that whenever we move we will begin the application process right away. I get so excited thinking about it!
Jeff and I have also decided (and this may change as time goes on) that we would like to apply for a child between the ages of 0-5. We are also willing to adopt a sibling group and children with some physical disabilities (blind, deaf, missing limbs etc.) but not mental disabilities. I just can't make a conscience decision to take on a child that may need to be dependant on us for the rest of our lives. Saying that, if God chooses that child for us we will love them completely and face the challenges, but right now I can't knowingly take that on.
So, there it is... our update! I want to thank you all for praying for us and helping us through this emotional roller coaster. I know we are still on it, but I feel like we are rounding the last bend.
Please keep praying for us!
Shannon
Friday, September 19, 2008
IVF is out
We got a letter from the fund today that said we were approved for $3000.00. I am so disappointed. That leaves us trying to come up with $9500.00... and that just isn't possible right now. So, needless to say I am once again crushed. I just want something to work out... something that will move us along to finally being parents.
I did phone the doctors office to set up an appointment. I want to see if it is possible to use the grant money for treatment other then IVF... for example a round of injectables with IUI (which the $3000 would cover easily.. maybe even two rounds). When we were last there the doctor said this wasn't really an option for us because the percentage of success was low, but the way I figure it, IVF is out of the picture so it's worth a try right? Without the doctors recommendation though, I know we won't be able to use the money. So we will see.
Anyways, I may write more later... not really in the mood to write right now, but I wanted to let you all know.
Shannon
I did phone the doctors office to set up an appointment. I want to see if it is possible to use the grant money for treatment other then IVF... for example a round of injectables with IUI (which the $3000 would cover easily.. maybe even two rounds). When we were last there the doctor said this wasn't really an option for us because the percentage of success was low, but the way I figure it, IVF is out of the picture so it's worth a try right? Without the doctors recommendation though, I know we won't be able to use the money. So we will see.
Anyways, I may write more later... not really in the mood to write right now, but I wanted to let you all know.
Shannon
Monday, September 15, 2008
Prayers for Tuesday night please!!
This past weekend I wrote an e-mail to the "Generations of Hope" fund to see if they had even received our application. Since we sent it by mail, and we hadn't heard anything from them, I wanted to make sure that they had it. Well we got a response back today that they have received it and that it should make it on their agenda for tomorrow night!! We should hear back sometime either late this week or early next week. I'm so excited, even though it may come back saying we weren't approved, but at least then we will know and can plan our future accordingly.
Anyways, I just wanted to let you all know and ask that you pray tomorrow night that the right decision will be made (whether it's to approve it or not) and that we will be able to accept whatever outcome. I really feel that this will help give us some clarification on what God's will is in all of this. If it's approved then I know that we can move forward... if not I know God is stopping it for some reason or another.
Thanks in advance for your prayers and as soon as we hear I will let you all know!
Shannon
Anyways, I just wanted to let you all know and ask that you pray tomorrow night that the right decision will be made (whether it's to approve it or not) and that we will be able to accept whatever outcome. I really feel that this will help give us some clarification on what God's will is in all of this. If it's approved then I know that we can move forward... if not I know God is stopping it for some reason or another.
Thanks in advance for your prayers and as soon as we hear I will let you all know!
Shannon
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Midnight Ramblings...
I've been re-reading my old blog entries tonight and I am both encouraged and saddened by them.
First, reading everyone's encouraging words and sensing their love for us has made me realise how blessed we really are. We have amazing family and friends. I can't thank you enough for supporting us.
But mostly tonight I am saddened. As I read old posts I realised just how long we have been trying. I realise the kind of roller coaster we have been on. My oldest posts are all about hope, and then it turns to anger, then to extreme grief, and then nothing. That's what I feel like lately... nothing. Sure I still cry here and there, but for the most part I feel numb. I feel like I am just floating, like my feet aren't touching the ground. Its an odd feeling, to feel nothing.
Jeff and I have pretty much stopped TTC and to tell you the truth the break has been nice. For months now, when AF comes I am not depressed by it at all. I know when to expect her and I know (most months without a shadow of a doubt) that I am not pregnant.
But this month I've been feeling like I need to touch the ground again. I feel kind of lost... or something. I don't really know what it is. All I know is that I don't think it is good for me to be feeling nothing... to feel empty. Maybe that's what it is... emptiness. Hmm.. I may have to think on that.
First, reading everyone's encouraging words and sensing their love for us has made me realise how blessed we really are. We have amazing family and friends. I can't thank you enough for supporting us.
But mostly tonight I am saddened. As I read old posts I realised just how long we have been trying. I realise the kind of roller coaster we have been on. My oldest posts are all about hope, and then it turns to anger, then to extreme grief, and then nothing. That's what I feel like lately... nothing. Sure I still cry here and there, but for the most part I feel numb. I feel like I am just floating, like my feet aren't touching the ground. Its an odd feeling, to feel nothing.
Jeff and I have pretty much stopped TTC and to tell you the truth the break has been nice. For months now, when AF comes I am not depressed by it at all. I know when to expect her and I know (most months without a shadow of a doubt) that I am not pregnant.
But this month I've been feeling like I need to touch the ground again. I feel kind of lost... or something. I don't really know what it is. All I know is that I don't think it is good for me to be feeling nothing... to feel empty. Maybe that's what it is... emptiness. Hmm.. I may have to think on that.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
We're back!
Hi All!
I'm back from Newfoundland and it was great! We had an awesome time. It was really the perfect holiday... just the right amount of time.
When we arrived home I was really hoping to see an envelope with good news sitting on my table, but it wasn't there. I guess now we will hopefully hear back in September. I hate this waiting game. I just want to know, good or bad.
We found out this week that friends of ours who were also struggling with infertility are now pregnant. I'm very happy for them, but at the same time I feel very saddened. Once again we are left on our own... I believe they were the last married friends that didn't have a baby. It seems like everyone else is realising their dreams while we sit here waiting. It's very frustrating.
Anyways, that's it for an update... not much is happening in the fertility department...as usual. As soon as we hear I will update with the news.
Shannon
I'm back from Newfoundland and it was great! We had an awesome time. It was really the perfect holiday... just the right amount of time.
When we arrived home I was really hoping to see an envelope with good news sitting on my table, but it wasn't there. I guess now we will hopefully hear back in September. I hate this waiting game. I just want to know, good or bad.
We found out this week that friends of ours who were also struggling with infertility are now pregnant. I'm very happy for them, but at the same time I feel very saddened. Once again we are left on our own... I believe they were the last married friends that didn't have a baby. It seems like everyone else is realising their dreams while we sit here waiting. It's very frustrating.
Anyways, that's it for an update... not much is happening in the fertility department...as usual. As soon as we hear I will update with the news.
Shannon
Sunday, July 20, 2008
No news yet...
We still haven't heard about our funding, and I'm not expecting to hear now until next month. The Doctor mentioned that they meet at the beginning of every month so if we made it to that meeting I would think we would have heard back by now. So, we have to wait a little longer before we know what our future holds.
On a good note one week from tomorrow we will be heading to Newfoundland for a three week vacation! I can't wait! We're going to take the first 5 days to travel up to L'Anse aux Meadows and then spend one week at mom and dad's cabin on the lake and a week in my home town. Should be fun!
I'm hoping that when we return there will be an envelope with good news sitting on my table! Even funding for $8,000 or so would be helpful. Well, I guess I just have to be patient.
You probably won't hear from me now until I get back... so have a great summer!
Shannon
On a good note one week from tomorrow we will be heading to Newfoundland for a three week vacation! I can't wait! We're going to take the first 5 days to travel up to L'Anse aux Meadows and then spend one week at mom and dad's cabin on the lake and a week in my home town. Should be fun!
I'm hoping that when we return there will be an envelope with good news sitting on my table! Even funding for $8,000 or so would be helpful. Well, I guess I just have to be patient.
You probably won't hear from me now until I get back... so have a great summer!
Shannon
Saturday, July 5, 2008
What are you?
Are you an optimist or a pessimist?
I am definitely a pessimist! Last night I was talking with Jeff about our application and that I'm not feeling very confident that we are going to get funding. Jeff on the other hand thinks we will.
For as long as I remember I have always been a pessimist. Really, I think being a pessimist is the best way. Its a win, win situation! For example, I believe we aren't going to get funding. If we do get it I will be surprised and will be ecstatic. If we don't I won't be too disappointed because I wasn't thinking we would anyway. If I were an optimist and we didn't get funding I would be heartbroken.
So I got thinking about all that and I wonder if God made me a pessimist because he knew I would be struggling with infertility. I think it would be very hard to be an optimist while going through this journey. On those rare months when I am optimistic I have the most heartbreaking let down. It's not worth it I don't think. I would much rather prepare my self for the worst and hope for the best.
So how about you? Do you see the glass as half full or half empty?
Shannon
I am definitely a pessimist! Last night I was talking with Jeff about our application and that I'm not feeling very confident that we are going to get funding. Jeff on the other hand thinks we will.
For as long as I remember I have always been a pessimist. Really, I think being a pessimist is the best way. Its a win, win situation! For example, I believe we aren't going to get funding. If we do get it I will be surprised and will be ecstatic. If we don't I won't be too disappointed because I wasn't thinking we would anyway. If I were an optimist and we didn't get funding I would be heartbroken.
So I got thinking about all that and I wonder if God made me a pessimist because he knew I would be struggling with infertility. I think it would be very hard to be an optimist while going through this journey. On those rare months when I am optimistic I have the most heartbreaking let down. It's not worth it I don't think. I would much rather prepare my self for the worst and hope for the best.
So how about you? Do you see the glass as half full or half empty?
Shannon
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
