So we met with our Social Worker this past week. We are very sad that she is leaving the territory since we have had a great connection with her. It has been really nice having a Christian social worker who understands our values and morals. She also loves Tillsley and every time she comes to the house she spends the entire time holding the dog in her lap! I like it when people fall in love with my fur-babies!
The slightly bad news is that at this time they are not replacing her which means that we won't be assigned a new social worker. The adoption coordinator will essentially take over and if a child comes up for adoption she will be the one that will (hopefully) think of us and put our names forward. I'm not too concerned considering that our social worker, in the two years she has worked at family services, has only done one adoption and even that one hasn't been finalised yet.
So, I really do not see us adopting any time soon, at least not from family services. I'm still hoping that through friends and contacts who know we are looking to adopt, a birth mom will approach us. Until then our energy (and money!) will go towards IVF which I am really hoping will happen sometime this fall... but we will see.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Our Newest Addition!
Bath Time!
Fizzgig is a BIG trouble maker... but we love him. He makes us smile with his little head tilt when you speak to him and his cute, but slightly dumb expression! Him and Tillsley are getting along okay, though I think Tillsley is counting the days until Fizzgig gets older and doesn't want to play and bite so much. Now if I could only get him house trained...
On an infertility note, I have a GYN appointment on June 1st to discuss IVF. I wish we could have gotten a much sooner appointment. I hope this doesn't mean a long wait to get referred for the procedure. The worst part about doing this process all over again (we've been through all this when we lived in Alberta) is that I have to do all the tests over again. I don't mind blood tests but I really hate charting my temperature every morning. Oh well... whatever it takes to get this process started!
On an adoption note, while we were away in Ontario last week we had a message from our social worker. She's leaving. :o( We had a really great relationship with her. I don't know who our next worker will be... I hope we click with him/her. It's hard when that person will not have been through the homestudy with us and will really only know us by reading our profile. Oh well... we don't ever really expect to adopt while we are here anyways.
I think that's everything. I hope you are all enjoying your day!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Grief
It amazes me how much I still mourn for "our" little boy. I find myself every once in a while thinking about how different our lives would have been. Right now we are at a conference in Ontario and this morning during our worship service while I should be listening to the speaker all I could think of was how if we had him he would most likely be staying with Jeff's parents and we would be checking in to see if he was doing okay being away from us. I'd have a picture in my wallet that I could stare at and marvel at and of course proudly pass around. I'd get the chance to bring him to Ottawa with us and introduce him to his Aunt and Uncle and cousins. I'd also be able to bring him shopping at Toys-R-us and spoil him since you can't buy anything decent in the North! Instead, I have no picture to show, no phone calls to hear his voice, no grandson, nephew, cousin to add to the family, and no chance at seeing a little boys eyes light up in the toy store. All I have is a dull pain in my heart that just doesn't seem to want to go away. It just feels like as time passes instead of feeling better I just feel more and more jypped from the life I've been wanting for so long. I know there are people out there who have gone through far worse than us, have had a child pass away unexpectedly, have only held them in their arms for a few short seconds before they were "taken away" from them. These people seem to move on (or do they??) so why is it that I still find myself thinking of a "son" that was never really ours? I wonder, is it not really about him as much as it was about being a mom? Maybe I'm grieving what could have been? I don't know... but I hope some day I can finally move on and not have it keep popping up on me... when I should instead be thinking about what the preacher is saying!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Decisions, Decisions
I know it's been a long time since I posted. I've written a few, but felt they were too personal to post. I've been in a slump again with depression, not severe or anything, but just feeling really sad that time is quickly passing us by with still no baby. It doesn't help that everyone around us is having babies.
I will be 30 this year. While I know this is not old (I'm not one to panic about turning 30) it does make me realise that my fertility years are now going to be on the decline. I had totally planned on having all my children by now and here I am not even close to having my first.
Because of this Jeff and I have been discussing IVF again. We are a little more financially secure now (it will still be tough but I think we could manage) and I also feel like we've had enough time to think and pray about it and know for sure that we agree with the ethics surrounding it. The main decision for us was that we be willing to accept that no matter how many eggs we have left we will give them all a chance. I mean it is quite likely it will not work at all... but there is also a chance that we could have lots of frozen embryos. I believe they are babies, not just a cluster of cells, and because of that we will not destroy them. We also do not feel comfortable putting them up for embryo adoption as I just can't imagine someone raising my child when we've been so desperate for children. So, that means that no matter how many children we end up with (remember the octo-mom?) we will choose to carry them and let the Lord decide. (EDIT: Should clarify... I don't mean we will put all the embryo's in at one time... I meant over the years we will give them all a chance! Sorry if I scared any of you! lol!)
And so, that means that at the moment it's really a matter of deciding when we will go ahead with the procedure. We were originally thinking next summer after we get back from our trip to Germany and Ireland (it's our 10th Anniversary!). Now, I'm just so anxious to get the process started that I'm wondering if we should pursue it right away. Another thing to think about is that we wanted to give the vitamins some time to work... it's been months since we got them but Jeff hasn't really stuck with it with Christmas and now with his back (he crushed a vertebrae). So, he needs to get back into taking them and seeing if they will make a difference. Really it will only take 3-4 months to know whether they are working because he will get another Semen Analysis done and we will see if it has improved.
So that is the jumble of thoughts in my head at the moment. Lots to think about and pray about. While the practical side of me says to wait until the summer of 2012 my biological clock is telling me sooner is better. I'm really tired of everyone else getting to experience pregnancy and Jeff and I sitting on the sidelines.
When we decide I'll be sure to let you all know. Please pray that we make the right decision!
I will be 30 this year. While I know this is not old (I'm not one to panic about turning 30) it does make me realise that my fertility years are now going to be on the decline. I had totally planned on having all my children by now and here I am not even close to having my first.
Because of this Jeff and I have been discussing IVF again. We are a little more financially secure now (it will still be tough but I think we could manage) and I also feel like we've had enough time to think and pray about it and know for sure that we agree with the ethics surrounding it. The main decision for us was that we be willing to accept that no matter how many eggs we have left we will give them all a chance. I mean it is quite likely it will not work at all... but there is also a chance that we could have lots of frozen embryos. I believe they are babies, not just a cluster of cells, and because of that we will not destroy them. We also do not feel comfortable putting them up for embryo adoption as I just can't imagine someone raising my child when we've been so desperate for children. So, that means that no matter how many children we end up with (remember the octo-mom?) we will choose to carry them and let the Lord decide. (EDIT: Should clarify... I don't mean we will put all the embryo's in at one time... I meant over the years we will give them all a chance! Sorry if I scared any of you! lol!)
And so, that means that at the moment it's really a matter of deciding when we will go ahead with the procedure. We were originally thinking next summer after we get back from our trip to Germany and Ireland (it's our 10th Anniversary!). Now, I'm just so anxious to get the process started that I'm wondering if we should pursue it right away. Another thing to think about is that we wanted to give the vitamins some time to work... it's been months since we got them but Jeff hasn't really stuck with it with Christmas and now with his back (he crushed a vertebrae). So, he needs to get back into taking them and seeing if they will make a difference. Really it will only take 3-4 months to know whether they are working because he will get another Semen Analysis done and we will see if it has improved.
So that is the jumble of thoughts in my head at the moment. Lots to think about and pray about. While the practical side of me says to wait until the summer of 2012 my biological clock is telling me sooner is better. I'm really tired of everyone else getting to experience pregnancy and Jeff and I sitting on the sidelines.
When we decide I'll be sure to let you all know. Please pray that we make the right decision!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Doctor's Visit
We finally got the results back from the testing we had done. Turns out everything is still okay with my hormone levels, thyroid etc.. but Jeff's sperm count is still low. On a good note the morphology was normal (it never has been before). We will continue on the vitamins until February when he will get another test and if we still see no improvement we will stop taking them.
The good part of the doctors visit was talking to the doctor about adoption. Last time we were there we had asked if it would be possible to leave our profile with the main office in case a pregnant women comes into the clinic and mentions she would like to put the child up for adoption. Then the doctor can give her our information and she can contact us directly. When we saw the doctor this time he asked us how that was going and said that he will be sure to talk to all the doctors he knows (including the one that delivers most of the babies here in Whitehorse) and tell them about us and that we would like to adopt. I think at the moment this is our best chance at building a family. Now we just need to get a profile made up.
I also received a call from our social worker. She was just checking up on us and making sure we were doing okay. She was just as shocked and angry that the last adoption fell through. She said that as she was looking through our file she noticed the "family" picture we had sent her and she just couldn't believe that it ended the way it did. He really did fit our family so well. I was hoping when she called that she would have some good news about a possible child, but unfortunately there is nothing on the horizon at the moment and quite frankly she doesn't see anything happening anytime soon.
I think that's about all for now. We are in the midst of a busy Christmas season plus home renovations so things have been quite hectic. Hopefully in a couple weeks we will be able to slow down and enjoy the holidays!
Merry Christmas!
The good part of the doctors visit was talking to the doctor about adoption. Last time we were there we had asked if it would be possible to leave our profile with the main office in case a pregnant women comes into the clinic and mentions she would like to put the child up for adoption. Then the doctor can give her our information and she can contact us directly. When we saw the doctor this time he asked us how that was going and said that he will be sure to talk to all the doctors he knows (including the one that delivers most of the babies here in Whitehorse) and tell them about us and that we would like to adopt. I think at the moment this is our best chance at building a family. Now we just need to get a profile made up.
I also received a call from our social worker. She was just checking up on us and making sure we were doing okay. She was just as shocked and angry that the last adoption fell through. She said that as she was looking through our file she noticed the "family" picture we had sent her and she just couldn't believe that it ended the way it did. He really did fit our family so well. I was hoping when she called that she would have some good news about a possible child, but unfortunately there is nothing on the horizon at the moment and quite frankly she doesn't see anything happening anytime soon.
I think that's about all for now. We are in the midst of a busy Christmas season plus home renovations so things have been quite hectic. Hopefully in a couple weeks we will be able to slow down and enjoy the holidays!
Merry Christmas!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Random Thoughts
It's 3:30 am and I'm wide awake. For some reason I've been really bothered again about the little boy we were going to adopt. I think it's because Christmas is here and I had dreamed about finally sharing Christmas with a child.
It's funny how you judge time by holidays. Every year I think to myself, "this will be the last Christmas we celebrate alone... for sure by next year we will have a child." It's been almost 8 years... sigh.
I've also been thinking about the other little boy we were going to adopt from Zimbabwe.... I think that's been due to the snow. Back when we were thinking he was going to be coming here I remember thinking about what it would be like for him to see snow and how cold he would be. It would have been fun to see his face on the first day he got to play in it though.
We haven't heard anything from Social Services about any potential children. We had heard there was a little boy who might be available sometime before Christmas but so far nothing else has been said.
I go on Monday to have blood taken to make sure things are still okay with me and that I'm ovulating. I was a little worried, as the last couple months I hadn't detected ovulation, but this month I got a positive test. So that made me feel a little better. Once I have the test done I'll make a doctors appointment to get the results, as well as the results of Jeff's Semen Analysis. I'm praying that his numbers have improved a little with the vitamins he's been taking.
It's funny how you judge time by holidays. Every year I think to myself, "this will be the last Christmas we celebrate alone... for sure by next year we will have a child." It's been almost 8 years... sigh.
I've also been thinking about the other little boy we were going to adopt from Zimbabwe.... I think that's been due to the snow. Back when we were thinking he was going to be coming here I remember thinking about what it would be like for him to see snow and how cold he would be. It would have been fun to see his face on the first day he got to play in it though.
We haven't heard anything from Social Services about any potential children. We had heard there was a little boy who might be available sometime before Christmas but so far nothing else has been said.
I go on Monday to have blood taken to make sure things are still okay with me and that I'm ovulating. I was a little worried, as the last couple months I hadn't detected ovulation, but this month I got a positive test. So that made me feel a little better. Once I have the test done I'll make a doctors appointment to get the results, as well as the results of Jeff's Semen Analysis. I'm praying that his numbers have improved a little with the vitamins he's been taking.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Testing again...
We went to the doctor a couple days ago and had GREAT news! Since we've been taking these vitamins and doing a few extra things to increase our chances of getting pregnant I thought it would be good for Jeff to have another semen analysis while we are in Calgary in January. So we went to see our Doctor and asked him to get us an appointment. Thankfully we found out we can do the test here in Whitehorse! YAY! Thats awesome because now we can have the test done a few times to get an accurant picture. I will also be getting tests done (ones I've had done before) to make sure things are still okay with me. As well, we found out that they do IUI's here and so if Jeff's count goes up we will probably do a few of those. I can't believe that we are back to all this testing again! lol! I thought those days were over!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Busy, Busy!
I guess it's time for another update...
The last few weeks have been really busy for us, especially with work. There is a lot going on and still lots to do. In a few short weeks we will also be heading into the Christmas season and while I enjoy it I'm not looking forward to the stress of finding enough volunteers to stand at the kettles.
This past weekend was also interesting. Until today I really thought I was pregnant. :o( I was 4 days late, had a ton of symptoms (and several I've never had before) and really thought this was our time. But of course that didn't work out. It's so disappointing, but on we go to another month of trying.
Jeff and I have been talking about how any day we may get a call saying that there is a child waiting for us. Ever since our little boy went to his new parents I keep thinking how exciting it must have been for them... from the first phone call to when he went to live with them was about 2 weeks! I can't imagine how exciting that would be! I hope our chance will happen sometime sooner rather than later.
The last few weeks have been really busy for us, especially with work. There is a lot going on and still lots to do. In a few short weeks we will also be heading into the Christmas season and while I enjoy it I'm not looking forward to the stress of finding enough volunteers to stand at the kettles.
This past weekend was also interesting. Until today I really thought I was pregnant. :o( I was 4 days late, had a ton of symptoms (and several I've never had before) and really thought this was our time. But of course that didn't work out. It's so disappointing, but on we go to another month of trying.
Jeff and I have been talking about how any day we may get a call saying that there is a child waiting for us. Ever since our little boy went to his new parents I keep thinking how exciting it must have been for them... from the first phone call to when he went to live with them was about 2 weeks! I can't imagine how exciting that would be! I hope our chance will happen sometime sooner rather than later.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
October 21st - A Date we will Always Remember
I've been finding it hard to concentrate... there is a huge lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach as I try to forget what today is...
October 21st is not only our little boys 2nd birthday, but he is also going to his adoptive home today. As happy as I am that he is starting his life with his forever family and especially on his birthday (what a great gift for him and story for the future) I just can't stop thinking that Jeff and I were suppose to be sharing in this day. If he were here with us today we would have been celebrating with him his 2nd birthday. We would get to give him a big hug, see him blow out his 2 candles and watch his eyes light up when we gave him his gifts. I had dreamed about this day... and spending it working was not what I had dreamed of.
Part of me is glad that this day is here though... I am praying that now I can really begin to heal. This date has been looming in my mind and once its over I pray that I can finally start to move on and realise that obviously he was not meant to be ours....he was meant to be theirs. :o(
You know the adoptive parents will probably never know about us and how close we were to getting him. They will never know that in the north a family grieves on the day they rejoice. They won't know that he was first loved by us and that he will always be "ours".
What I am sure they DO know however is that they finally have the child they prayed for and will love for the rest of their lives. They know that God has truly blessed them with an amazing, beautiful little boy. And I pray that as these days progress and they begin to mold together as a family they will always appreciate the gift they have been given and never take it for granted.
Today though is not just the day we grieve... it is also the day the foster family grieves. I can't imagine the turmoil that they are going through. To have such conflicting emotions... sad that he is leaving, happy that he is going to a great home. Joanna, I'm not sure if you read my blog, but I want to let you know that we are praying for you and your family and we will forever be grateful to you for journeying with us and fighting for us. We may not have got the ending we wished for, but at least we got to know each other. :o)
To my little boy... We will always love you.
October 21st is not only our little boys 2nd birthday, but he is also going to his adoptive home today. As happy as I am that he is starting his life with his forever family and especially on his birthday (what a great gift for him and story for the future) I just can't stop thinking that Jeff and I were suppose to be sharing in this day. If he were here with us today we would have been celebrating with him his 2nd birthday. We would get to give him a big hug, see him blow out his 2 candles and watch his eyes light up when we gave him his gifts. I had dreamed about this day... and spending it working was not what I had dreamed of.
Part of me is glad that this day is here though... I am praying that now I can really begin to heal. This date has been looming in my mind and once its over I pray that I can finally start to move on and realise that obviously he was not meant to be ours....he was meant to be theirs. :o(
You know the adoptive parents will probably never know about us and how close we were to getting him. They will never know that in the north a family grieves on the day they rejoice. They won't know that he was first loved by us and that he will always be "ours".
What I am sure they DO know however is that they finally have the child they prayed for and will love for the rest of their lives. They know that God has truly blessed them with an amazing, beautiful little boy. And I pray that as these days progress and they begin to mold together as a family they will always appreciate the gift they have been given and never take it for granted.
Today though is not just the day we grieve... it is also the day the foster family grieves. I can't imagine the turmoil that they are going through. To have such conflicting emotions... sad that he is leaving, happy that he is going to a great home. Joanna, I'm not sure if you read my blog, but I want to let you know that we are praying for you and your family and we will forever be grateful to you for journeying with us and fighting for us. We may not have got the ending we wished for, but at least we got to know each other. :o)
To my little boy... We will always love you.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The Package Has Arrived!
We had a great time in Juneau... even though the weather didn't cooperate. I think the glacier was the best part... it's so beautiful and interesting. It was also cool seeing the salmon swimming upstream. I would recommend for people to visit there... well worth the time and money. I can only imagine what it would have been like if we had all sunny warm days!
When we got back from Juneau we got the package I was waiting for in the mail. We ordered lots of stuff that we are hoping will really increase our chances of getting pregnant. We got everything from early-pregnancy-tests.com. If you are TTC I HIGHLY recommend this site. The shipping is free over $15.00 (even to Canada) and its fast... well it is when it doesn't have to come to the North! As well, the ovulation and pregnancy tests are a LOT cheaper then at the store.
So here's the list...
FertilAid for Men - "A fertility enhancing supplement designed specifically for trying-to-conceive men. Clinically demonstrated to increase sperm count and improve sperm quality and motility, FertilAid for Men contains a proprietary blend of key antioxidants, vitamins, and minerals – as well as the amino acid L-Carnitine."
CountBoost for Men - "CountBoost for Men is a companion product to FertilAid for Men designed specifically for men with a low sperm count. Doctor-designed CountBoost provides an additional dose of the specific vitamins, minerals, and amino acids that have been scientifically demonstrated to increase the total number of sperm a man produces."
MotilityBoost for Men - "MotilityBoost for Men is a companion product to FertilAid for Men designed specifically for men with low sperm motility. Doctor-designed MotilityBoost provides an additional dose of the specific vitamins, minerals, and amino acids that have been scientifically demonstrated to positively impact sperm motility"
FertilAid for Women - "formula of essential vitamins, minerals, and key antioxidants to promote hormonal balance, improve reproductive health, and increase your chances of conceiving."
FertileCM for Women - "designed to increase fertility by supporting the production of "fertile-quality" cervical mucus - and by promoting endometrial secretions that build the uterine lining for implantation of the fertilized egg. In addition, key ingredients in FertileCM have also been clinically demonstrated to support female arousal and sexual stimulation." - Kind of like that last point! lol!
We also ordered pre-seed and softcups... but I'll let you go to the link for a description since I'm sure not everyone would like to know! lol!
http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/softcup.html
http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/preseed-multi-use.html
As well we ordered a whole bunch of ovulation test strips since I will also be using my fertile-focus monitor (that I bought several years ago) which tells you if you are ovulating by looking at your saliva.
http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/saliva-ovulation-test.html
So there you have it... our arsenal of fertility boosting aids. We are really praying that these things will work. I've done TONS of research on them and the success stories are encouraging. As well, Jeff took FertilAid for Men a couple years ago and we saw within just a couple months a boost in his count and motility. So we are hoping it will happen again but even more so. Say a prayer for us! :o)
When we got back from Juneau we got the package I was waiting for in the mail. We ordered lots of stuff that we are hoping will really increase our chances of getting pregnant. We got everything from early-pregnancy-tests.com. If you are TTC I HIGHLY recommend this site. The shipping is free over $15.00 (even to Canada) and its fast... well it is when it doesn't have to come to the North! As well, the ovulation and pregnancy tests are a LOT cheaper then at the store.
So here's the list...
FertilAid for Men - "A fertility enhancing supplement designed specifically for trying-to-conceive men. Clinically demonstrated to increase sperm count and improve sperm quality and motility, FertilAid for Men contains a proprietary blend of key antioxidants, vitamins, and minerals – as well as the amino acid L-Carnitine."
CountBoost for Men - "CountBoost for Men is a companion product to FertilAid for Men designed specifically for men with a low sperm count. Doctor-designed CountBoost provides an additional dose of the specific vitamins, minerals, and amino acids that have been scientifically demonstrated to increase the total number of sperm a man produces."
MotilityBoost for Men - "MotilityBoost for Men is a companion product to FertilAid for Men designed specifically for men with low sperm motility. Doctor-designed MotilityBoost provides an additional dose of the specific vitamins, minerals, and amino acids that have been scientifically demonstrated to positively impact sperm motility"
FertilAid for Women - "formula of essential vitamins, minerals, and key antioxidants to promote hormonal balance, improve reproductive health, and increase your chances of conceiving."
FertileCM for Women - "designed to increase fertility by supporting the production of "fertile-quality" cervical mucus - and by promoting endometrial secretions that build the uterine lining for implantation of the fertilized egg. In addition, key ingredients in FertileCM have also been clinically demonstrated to support female arousal and sexual stimulation." - Kind of like that last point! lol!
We also ordered pre-seed and softcups... but I'll let you go to the link for a description since I'm sure not everyone would like to know! lol!
http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/softcup.html
http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/preseed-multi-use.html
As well we ordered a whole bunch of ovulation test strips since I will also be using my fertile-focus monitor (that I bought several years ago) which tells you if you are ovulating by looking at your saliva.
http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/saliva-ovulation-test.html
So there you have it... our arsenal of fertility boosting aids. We are really praying that these things will work. I've done TONS of research on them and the success stories are encouraging. As well, Jeff took FertilAid for Men a couple years ago and we saw within just a couple months a boost in his count and motility. So we are hoping it will happen again but even more so. Say a prayer for us! :o)
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