THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS OF A WANNA-BE-MOTHER

The end... for now?

2011-10-11T15:17:00.000-07:00

Well the funk has not passed. After this post I just may be on a break from blogging for a while. I did want to let you know quickly where we are at with treatment and such. In September we saw the doctor and decided that our best option is to do IVF. So we've decided that if all goes well, February will be the month we start the process. We are looking forward to it and praying that it is successful. If so we should have a little one(s) by next November. Feel free to keep checking back here in case I get in the mood to start writing again! Thanks for all your prayers and support!

I'm still here...

2011-08-17T22:31:00.000-07:00

...I'm just not in the mood to post lately. Keep checking back though... hopefully the "funk" I'm in will pass soon and I'll be posting again. Until then, I hope you are enjoying your summer!

The results are back... again!

2011-06-27T13:03:00.000-07:00

It has always bothered me that even though our problem lies within Jeff's body he has never been checked out. So recently I joined a Christian infertility support forum called Hannah's Prayer (GREAT site!) and decided to ask the ladies there whether their hubby's had ever been sent to a urologist to get checked out. Turns out they have! I have asked all of my doctors (4 of them over the years) about getting him checked and they all said there was no point. So, as soon as the ladies assured me that I was right to want him checked out I made an appointment with my doctor to get a referral. Thankfully my regular family doctor was away so I got to see the doctor filling in for him (since I had already asked my family doctor about a referral before I wasn't looking forward to "demanding" one).

So we went in for our appointment and the doctor, since he doesn't know us, was looking at our files to see whether Jeff really should see a urologist and he commented that Jeff had just had a semen analysis (SA) but the count wasn't done... excuse me?? Not done? I told him that when I had called early that week, the nurse had said that the count was 8 million. Turns out she read the results wrong and looked at the PH level rather than the count. So, that meant that we had stopped the vitamins without really knowing whether they worked. So of course I asked for another test (poor Jeff! lol!).

Well, thankfully this doctor realised that we should be referred to a urologist, so we now have an appointment in Vancouver (there are no urologists here) for August 18th. I'm really hoping that we figure out what is going on. It is quite possible that he has varicocele veins which is fixable through a simple surgery (I'm pretty sure Jeff wouldn't agree!). It doesn't guarantee to improve fertility but it would be a chance we would be willing to take.

As for the newest SA the results have come back from that one and his count has gone up! It was 10 million this time... he hasn't had counts that high since the first SA that was done years ago. Unfortunately the motility went down to 70% from 80% on the last one. So we've decided that we will go back on the vitamins since the count was so good. Hopefully they will continue to help.

As for me, I've been charting my temperatures again for the past 3 months and I've noticed that my Luteal Phase (the time between ovulation and period) has been 10-11 days long. Anything under 12 days is considered a Luteal Phase Defect (LPD). This means that even if I were to become pregnant my body may not recognise it and just go on to my period and flush out the little embryo. (I wonder if this explains the two times that I've felt for sure that I was pregnant??) Of course my doctors have never said anything about this (which really doesn't surprise me... grrrrr). I've done some research and some people have had success lengthening their LP with vitamin B6. So I've started taking it and I'm hoping next month I will see a difference. If I don't see it lengthen in the next few months I'll head back to the doctor to see what my next step should be... to which I am sure they will say IVF. That seems to be their answer for everything (funny that that is also where they make the most money.. hmmm.)

Anyways, all of this information has given me hope again that just maybe we will be able to conceive naturally some day. For now we are going to put off IVF until we get the diagnoses from the urologist.

Please pray that we can figure some things out this summer!

The results are back...

2011-06-09T10:51:00.000-07:00

So I finally got the results back from Jeff's test... not much changed. His count went up to 8 million (from 7 million last time) but that's not really a big enough change to make me think it's due to the vitamins. The very first semen analysis he had done he had 10 million and the lowest has been 4.5 so 8 is not really an improvement especially considering 25 million is the lowest healthy number. The morphology was still normal so that's good. Now we have to decide whether we stick with the vitamins or save the money. We will probably save the money... that way we can put it towards IVF.

It was a little frustrating going to the gynecologist this week (they bumped my appointment from June 1st to June 6th) and finding out that my family doctor could have just referred me to the fertility clinic in Calgary two months ago when I asked him about it. So the GYN visit was a complete waste of time... no exam, no looking at the temperature charts I've been doing (because that's what they told me he needed), no information on what the process will be.. sigh... a complete waste of time. Oh well... at least the referral has been done now and so waiting for a call from the Calgary clinic is my next step... I feel like I'm always waiting...

Hmmm... I wonder if I was?

2011-05-25T09:39:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted. I'll give you a few updates!

Last month I really thought I was pregnant! :o( I was 10 days late and had TONS of symptoms. I took a test at about 7 days late and it was negative. Usually when I take a test I ALWAYS (literally) end up getting my period within an hour afterwards... this time that didn't happen and so my hopes began to soar! But then a few days later I began to spot and after not too long she came full force. I have been wondering if I had an early miscarriage since my period seemed a little strange and early in this cycle (this month) I was still feeling kind of pregnant. So much so that I thought I should take another test in the middle of this cycle just to make sure, but of course it came up negative as well. Those symptoms and "feelings" have subsided now so I'm wondering if I was pregnant and now the hormones have evened out again? Who knows... it's a mystery!

I'm looking forward to seeing my Gynecologist on June 1st. I'm hoping that he will push to get us into the IVF program as soon as possible. I really want to try it out and I'm praying hard that it will work and we will end up with a baby (or two!) in our arms in 2012.

I'm also excited that I've finally decided to start an infertility support group here in Whitehorse! I've been saying for years that I was going to do this and I've always put it off. I think I always believed (hoped) that I would end up getting pregnant "soon" and so didn't want to start up a group and then end up getting pregnant right away. This "fear" still haunts me (especially since we are hoping to do IVF) but I have to stop living my life waiting for something that may never happen. So, I've decided that if I do get pregnant then I'm sure God will bring someone else into the group that can lead it. I'm leaving it in his hands! I haven't advertised it yet as I'm still trying to figure some things out. I've done up a Facebook page and will put some posters up around town and of course ask other churches to advertise in their bulletins. It won't be an exclusively Christian group but will be held at the church. I'm hoping people will come!!

I think that's about it for updates. After my appointment in June I'll let you know what's happening!

Our Social Worker.

2011-04-23T07:02:00.000-07:00

So we met with our Social Worker this past week. We are very sad that she is leaving the territory since we have had a great connection with her. It has been really nice having a Christian social worker who understands our values and morals. She also loves Tillsley and every time she comes to the house she spends the entire time holding the dog in her lap! I like it when people fall in love with my fur-babies!

The slightly bad news is that at this time they are not replacing her which means that we won't be assigned a new social worker. The adoption coordinator will essentially take over and if a child comes up for adoption she will be the one that will (hopefully) think of us and put our names forward. I'm not too concerned considering that our social worker, in the two years she has worked at family services, has only done one adoption and even that one hasn't been finalised yet.

So, I really do not see us adopting any time soon, at least not from family services. I'm still hoping that through friends and contacts who know we are looking to adopt, a birth mom will approach us. Until then our energy (and money!) will go towards IVF which I am really hoping will happen sometime this fall... but we will see.

Our Newest Addition!

2011-04-10T08:06:00.001-07:00

So, I realised I've never put up pics on here of our new puppy. Back when we got Tillsley I did a post. Maybe a second dog is like a second kid... not as many pictures! lol! I know Fizzgig (blame my Hubby for the name) is not really related to infertility or adoption but he is SUPER cute and this blog could use some cute and happy! :o) He's almost 9 months old now ( we got him in February) and is a purebreed Pomeranian. We got him in Alberta while we were there for Jeff's back (if you don't know that story he fell down some stairs while there for a conference and crushed a vertebrae... not even a year after falling and breaking his hip!)

Bath Time!

Fizzgig is a BIG trouble maker... but we love him. He makes us smile with his little head tilt when you speak to him and his cute, but slightly dumb expression! Him and Tillsley are getting along okay, though I think Tillsley is counting the days until Fizzgig gets older and doesn't want to play and bite so much. Now if I could only get him house trained...

On an infertility note, I have a GYN appointment on June 1st to discuss IVF. I wish we could have gotten a much sooner appointment. I hope this doesn't mean a long wait to get referred for the procedure. The worst part about doing this process all over again (we've been through all this when we lived in Alberta) is that I have to do all the tests over again. I don't mind blood tests but I really hate charting my temperature every morning. Oh well... whatever it takes to get this process started!

On an adoption note, while we were away in Ontario last week we had a message from our social worker. She's leaving. :o( We had a really great relationship with her. I don't know who our next worker will be... I hope we click with him/her. It's hard when that person will not have been through the homestudy with us and will really only know us by reading our profile. Oh well... we don't ever really expect to adopt while we are here anyways.

I think that's everything. I hope you are all enjoying your day!

Grief

2011-03-27T12:02:00.002-07:00

It amazes me how much I still mourn for "our" little boy. I find myself every once in a while thinking about how different our lives would have been. Right now we are at a conference in Ontario and this morning during our worship service while I should be listening to the speaker all I could think of was how if we had him he would most likely be staying with Jeff's parents and we would be checking in to see if he was doing okay being away from us. I'd have a picture in my wallet that I could stare at and marvel at and of course proudly pass around. I'd get the chance to bring him to Ottawa with us and introduce him to his Aunt and Uncle and cousins. I'd also be able to bring him shopping at Toys-R-us and spoil him since you can't buy anything decent in the North! Instead, I have no picture to show, no phone calls to hear his voice, no grandson, nephew, cousin to add to the family, and no chance at seeing a little boys eyes light up in the toy store. All I have is a dull pain in my heart that just doesn't seem to want to go away. It just feels like as time passes instead of feeling better I just feel more and more jypped from the life I've been wanting for so long. I know there are people out there who have gone through far worse than us, have had a child pass away unexpectedly, have only held them in their arms for a few short seconds before they were "taken away" from them. These people seem to move on (or do they??) so why is it that I still find myself thinking of a "son" that was never really ours? I wonder, is it not really about him as much as it was about being a mom? Maybe I'm grieving what could have been? I don't know... but I hope some day I can finally move on and not have it keep popping up on me... when I should instead be thinking about what the preacher is saying!

Decisions, Decisions

2011-02-20T22:52:00.001-08:00

I know it's been a long time since I posted. I've written a few, but felt they were too personal to post. I've been in a slump again with depression, not severe or anything, but just feeling really sad that time is quickly passing us by with still no baby. It doesn't help that everyone around us is having babies.

I will be 30 this year. While I know this is not old (I'm not one to panic about turning 30) it does make me realise that my fertility years are now going to be on the decline. I had totally planned on having all my children by now and here I am not even close to having my first.

Because of this Jeff and I have been discussing IVF again. We are a little more financially secure now (it will still be tough but I think we could manage) and I also feel like we've had enough time to think and pray about it and know for sure that we agree with the ethics surrounding it. The main decision for us was that we be willing to accept that no matter how many eggs we have left we will give them all a chance. I mean it is quite likely it will not work at all... but there is also a chance that we could have lots of frozen embryos. I believe they are babies, not just a cluster of cells, and because of that we will not destroy them. We also do not feel comfortable putting them up for embryo adoption as I just can't imagine someone raising my child when we've been so desperate for children. So, that means that no matter how many children we end up with (remember the octo-mom?) we will choose to carry them and let the Lord decide. (EDIT: Should clarify... I don't mean we will put all the embryo's in at one time... I meant over the years we will give them all a chance! Sorry if I scared any of you! lol!)

And so, that means that at the moment it's really a matter of deciding when we will go ahead with the procedure. We were originally thinking next summer after we get back from our trip to Germany and Ireland (it's our 10th Anniversary!). Now, I'm just so anxious to get the process started that I'm wondering if we should pursue it right away. Another thing to think about is that we wanted to give the vitamins some time to work... it's been months since we got them but Jeff hasn't really stuck with it with Christmas and now with his back (he crushed a vertebrae). So, he needs to get back into taking them and seeing if they will make a difference. Really it will only take 3-4 months to know whether they are working because he will get another Semen Analysis done and we will see if it has improved.

So that is the jumble of thoughts in my head at the moment. Lots to think about and pray about. While the practical side of me says to wait until the summer of 2012 my biological clock is telling me sooner is better. I'm really tired of everyone else getting to experience pregnancy and Jeff and I sitting on the sidelines.

When we decide I'll be sure to let you all know. Please pray that we make the right decision!

Doctor's Visit

2010-12-10T15:32:00.000-08:00

We finally got the results back from the testing we had done. Turns out everything is still okay with my hormone levels, thyroid etc.. but Jeff's sperm count is still low. On a good note the morphology was normal (it never has been before). We will continue on the vitamins until February when he will get another test and if we still see no improvement we will stop taking them.

The good part of the doctors visit was talking to the doctor about adoption. Last time we were there we had asked if it would be possible to leave our profile with the main office in case a pregnant women comes into the clinic and mentions she would like to put the child up for adoption. Then the doctor can give her our information and she can contact us directly. When we saw the doctor this time he asked us how that was going and said that he will be sure to talk to all the doctors he knows (including the one that delivers most of the babies here in Whitehorse) and tell them about us and that we would like to adopt. I think at the moment this is our best chance at building a family. Now we just need to get a profile made up.

I also received a call from our social worker. She was just checking up on us and making sure we were doing okay. She was just as shocked and angry that the last adoption fell through. She said that as she was looking through our file she noticed the "family" picture we had sent her and she just couldn't believe that it ended the way it did. He really did fit our family so well. I was hoping when she called that she would have some good news about a possible child, but unfortunately there is nothing on the horizon at the moment and quite frankly she doesn't see anything happening anytime soon.

I think that's about all for now. We are in the midst of a busy Christmas season plus home renovations so things have been quite hectic. Hopefully in a couple weeks we will be able to slow down and enjoy the holidays!

Merry Christmas!

Random Thoughts

2010-11-28T04:12:00.000-08:00

It's 3:30 am and I'm wide awake. For some reason I've been really bothered again about the little boy we were going to adopt. I think it's because Christmas is here and I had dreamed about finally sharing Christmas with a child.

It's funny how you judge time by holidays. Every year I think to myself, "this will be the last Christmas we celebrate alone... for sure by next year we will have a child." It's been almost 8 years... sigh.

I've also been thinking about the other little boy we were going to adopt from Zimbabwe.... I think that's been due to the snow. Back when we were thinking he was going to be coming here I remember thinking about what it would be like for him to see snow and how cold he would be. It would have been fun to see his face on the first day he got to play in it though.

We haven't heard anything from Social Services about any potential children. We had heard there was a little boy who might be available sometime before Christmas but so far nothing else has been said.

I go on Monday to have blood taken to make sure things are still okay with me and that I'm ovulating. I was a little worried, as the last couple months I hadn't detected ovulation, but this month I got a positive test. So that made me feel a little better. Once I have the test done I'll make a doctors appointment to get the results, as well as the results of Jeff's Semen Analysis. I'm praying that his numbers have improved a little with the vitamins he's been taking.

Testing again...

2010-11-11T21:21:00.000-08:00

We went to the doctor a couple days ago and had GREAT news! Since we've been taking these vitamins and doing a few extra things to increase our chances of getting pregnant I thought it would be good for Jeff to have another semen analysis while we are in Calgary in January. So we went to see our Doctor and asked him to get us an appointment. Thankfully we found out we can do the test here in Whitehorse! YAY! Thats awesome because now we can have the test done a few times to get an accurant picture. I will also be getting tests done (ones I've had done before) to make sure things are still okay with me. As well, we found out that they do IUI's here and so if Jeff's count goes up we will probably do a few of those. I can't believe that we are back to all this testing again! lol! I thought those days were over!

Busy, Busy!

2010-11-08T21:47:00.000-08:00

I guess it's time for another update...

The last few weeks have been really busy for us, especially with work. There is a lot going on and still lots to do. In a few short weeks we will also be heading into the Christmas season and while I enjoy it I'm not looking forward to the stress of finding enough volunteers to stand at the kettles.

This past weekend was also interesting. Until today I really thought I was pregnant. :o( I was 4 days late, had a ton of symptoms (and several I've never had before) and really thought this was our time. But of course that didn't work out. It's so disappointing, but on we go to another month of trying.

Jeff and I have been talking about how any day we may get a call saying that there is a child waiting for us. Ever since our little boy went to his new parents I keep thinking how exciting it must have been for them... from the first phone call to when he went to live with them was about 2 weeks! I can't imagine how exciting that would be! I hope our chance will happen sometime sooner rather than later.

October 21st - A Date we will Always Remember

2010-10-21T09:07:00.004-07:00

I've been finding it hard to concentrate... there is a huge lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach as I try to forget what today is...

October 21st is not only our little boys 2nd birthday, but he is also going to his adoptive home today. As happy as I am that he is starting his life with his forever family and especially on his birthday (what a great gift for him and story for the future) I just can't stop thinking that Jeff and I were suppose to be sharing in this day. If he were here with us today we would have been celebrating with him his 2nd birthday. We would get to give him a big hug, see him blow out his 2 candles and watch his eyes light up when we gave him his gifts. I had dreamed about this day... and spending it working was not what I had dreamed of.

Part of me is glad that this day is here though... I am praying that now I can really begin to heal. This date has been looming in my mind and once its over I pray that I can finally start to move on and realise that obviously he was not meant to be ours....he was meant to be theirs. :o(

You know the adoptive parents will probably never know about us and how close we were to getting him. They will never know that in the north a family grieves on the day they rejoice. They won't know that he was first loved by us and that he will always be "ours".

What I am sure they DO know however is that they finally have the child they prayed for and will love for the rest of their lives. They know that God has truly blessed them with an amazing, beautiful little boy. And I pray that as these days progress and they begin to mold together as a family they will always appreciate the gift they have been given and never take it for granted.

Today though is not just the day we grieve... it is also the day the foster family grieves. I can't imagine the turmoil that they are going through. To have such conflicting emotions... sad that he is leaving, happy that he is going to a great home. Joanna, I'm not sure if you read my blog, but I want to let you know that we are praying for you and your family and we will forever be grateful to you for journeying with us and fighting for us. We may not have got the ending we wished for, but at least we got to know each other. :o)

To my little boy... We will always love you.

The Package Has Arrived!

2010-10-12T11:49:00.003-07:00

We had a great time in Juneau... even though the weather didn't cooperate. I think the glacier was the best part... it's so beautiful and interesting. It was also cool seeing the salmon swimming upstream. I would recommend for people to visit there... well worth the time and money. I can only imagine what it would have been like if we had all sunny warm days!

When we got back from Juneau we got the package I was waiting for in the mail. We ordered lots of stuff that we are hoping will really increase our chances of getting pregnant. We got everything from early-pregnancy-tests.com. If you are TTC I HIGHLY recommend this site. The shipping is free over $15.00 (even to Canada) and its fast... well it is when it doesn't have to come to the North! As well, the ovulation and pregnancy tests are a LOT cheaper then at the store.

So here's the list...

FertilAid for Men - "A fertility enhancing supplement designed specifically for trying-to-conceive men. Clinically demonstrated to increase sperm count and improve sperm quality and motility, FertilAid for Men contains a proprietary blend of key antioxidants, vitamins, and minerals – as well as the amino acid L-Carnitine."

CountBoost for Men - "CountBoost for Men is a companion product to FertilAid for Men designed specifically for men with a low sperm count. Doctor-designed CountBoost provides an additional dose of the specific vitamins, minerals, and amino acids that have been scientifically demonstrated to increase the total number of sperm a man produces."

MotilityBoost for Men - "MotilityBoost for Men is a companion product to FertilAid for Men designed specifically for men with low sperm motility. Doctor-designed MotilityBoost provides an additional dose of the specific vitamins, minerals, and amino acids that have been scientifically demonstrated to positively impact sperm motility"

FertilAid for Women - "formula of essential vitamins, minerals, and key antioxidants to promote hormonal balance, improve reproductive health, and increase your chances of conceiving."

FertileCM for Women - "designed to increase fertility by supporting the production of "fertile-quality" cervical mucus - and by promoting endometrial secretions that build the uterine lining for implantation of the fertilized egg. In addition, key ingredients in FertileCM have also been clinically demonstrated to support female arousal and sexual stimulation." - Kind of like that last point! lol!

We also ordered pre-seed and softcups... but I'll let you go to the link for a description since I'm sure not everyone would like to know! lol!
http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/softcup.html
http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/preseed-multi-use.html

As well we ordered a whole bunch of ovulation test strips since I will also be using my fertile-focus monitor (that I bought several years ago) which tells you if you are ovulating by looking at your saliva.
http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/saliva-ovulation-test.html

So there you have it... our arsenal of fertility boosting aids. We are really praying that these things will work. I've done TONS of research on them and the success stories are encouraging. As well, Jeff took FertilAid for Men a couple years ago and we saw within just a couple months a boost in his count and motility. So we are hoping it will happen again but even more so. Say a prayer for us! :o)

We're heading to Juneau!

2010-09-29T11:30:00.002-07:00

We are really excited to be heading to Juneau Alaska on the weekend. This is the weekend that we were hoping on bringing our boy home and so Jeff and I decided we would take the weekend off and be alone together without any responsibilities... pretty sure our head and hearts wouldn't be in anything anyways.

We also returned things to the store today... that was hard. I was fine until she took the car seat out of my hands. We bought the car seat first for Anesu and then kept it hoping we would use it for this little boy so it held a lot of emotion for us. I was proud of myself though, I made it through with no tears, just a heavy heart. :o(

So, now his room is looking much more bare, though we have still kept a few things that we hope we will one day get to use. I've also kept a little stuffed animal I bought for him... I figure it will be something that will remind me of him in years to come. I'll pack it all away for now though.

On the TTC front we still haven't received the package of goodies we ordered. I'm really hoping it will be here before the week is out. When we ordered from this company before (when we were in High River) it only took a few days... mail takes FOREVER up here in the North.

Well that's an update for now. I'll let you know how our trip went when we get back.

Pet Peeves

2010-09-21T21:40:00.005-07:00

*Disclaimer* In no way am I trying to make anyone feel bad through this post and if you have mentioned the pet peeves below to me in the past please do not feel bad... maybe just stay away from saying it in the future! :o) And these are MY pet peeves. Not all people struggling with infertility or who are going through the adoption process would find them as annoying. As well because they are pet peeves it may come off as me being a little "angry" I'm honestly not... I'm just annoyed! lol!

Well as I promised here are my pet peeves...

Pet Peeve #1 - Just Relax
I have had a LOT of people tell me this... from strangers to friends to family. Let me start by saying I know you mean well, I really do, but honestly it doesn't help. I've mentioned this pet peeve in an earlier post(s) because it really gets under my skin. These past two years we have been relaxed... We stopped "trying" meaning we weren't looking at ovulation, I stopped obsessing about getting pregnant and we came to the point where we accepted the fact that we might never build our family that way. Guess what? After all that "relaxing" we're still not pregnant!! So while it may have happened for your friend or a family member... it hasn't happened for us, and each time I hear someone say it, all it does is remind me that yet again someone else has had success getting pregnant while we haven't.

Pet Peeve #2 - Just adopt - It's so easy
I have had numerous people say this to us back before we were in the process to adopt. There are soooo many things wrong with this statement. First and foremost... ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! The word JUST should never be put before the word adopt. Our adoption process has been FAR worse then anything we went through with infertility.
People tend to think that adoption is something that is easy. First, it took us a year to get the courses done and to have our homestudy approved. And that's a quick process compared to what some provinces are like. Second, it could take years before a child is placed with us... or never. Third, if we weren't going through family services it would cost upwards of $10,000 to adopt through a private adoption agency (Tons more if it were international). Fourth, and this is a big one for me... Adopting does not replace the desire to carry a child in your womb and to have a child that is genetically yours. Even after we adopt a child I will still always long to know what it is like to feel a baby kick in my stomach. I will wonder what a child that is half Jeff and half me would look like. Would I love our adopted child any different then a biological child? Not a chance! I believe adoption is just another way that children can come into your home. But that doesn't mean that by adopting all those wants and desires to get pregnant will go away.

Pet Peeve #3 - Just Adopt - TONS of children are waiting
This brings me to my next pet peeve with the statement "Just Adopt". People honestly think there are thousands of children just waiting to go to a good home, and agency's are desperate for adoptive parents. Wrong! Well partly wrong. There are lots of children in foster care but they are either not ready to be adopted yet or have severe mental and pysical disabilities that unfortunately make them hard to be placed with a family (this saddens me greatly). Here in the Yukon on average 2 children get placed per year... meanwhile there are probably 20-30 approved families waiting. In Newfoundland I've been told there is a 10 year waiting list. It takes FOREVER for a child to finally become adoptable through family services. There is a huge process of red tape for the social workers to work through before the parental rights can be taken from the birth parents. Then once they are legally able to be adopted it can take months for family services to go through the process to find the right adoptive home. On top of that not all the children that are ready to be adopted are the right fit for your family. For example, children with FAS would not be a great fit for our family as we do not have a predictable schedule or life and this can cause great stress in a child with FAS. So as I said... "Just" is not a word that should be put in front of adopt.

Pet Peeve #4 - You'll get pregnant if you adopt
Of all my pet peeves this is the one that makes me want to scream. I hate it when people say this to me. First may I say while you may know people who have gotten pregnant after adopting I also know LOTS of people who have adopted and have NOT gotten pregnant. Second, I will NOT use adoption as a means of fertility treatment. Third, a lot of people who did get pregnant while they were adopting were actually still trying to get pregnant and it just so happens whatever they were trying worked... for example a couple I know adopted and then went to have an IUI. When they became pregnant everyone assumed it was because they adopted.
Another thing that irks me about this comment is that when people say that we will get pregnant after we adopt it makes it seem as if the adopted child is not as important as the biological child. When we decided to adopt it wasn't because we felt we had no choice... it was because we felt that it is the right thing to do. Even if I were to get pregnant right now we would still want to adopt.
I think the part that makes me the most mad is that if we do get pregnant when we adopt I don't want anyone taking the credit away from God. I don't want people saying "oh they got pregnant because they adopted". I want people to say "Oh they got pregnant because God decided to give them a child." Make sense?

So there you have it! Four pet peeves of mine... well pet peeves that have to do with the purpose of this blog! I'm sure there are more... if I think of them I'll share them. Enjoy!

We're Doing a Little Better...

2010-09-21T13:17:00.004-07:00

Hard to believe it's only been a week since we got the horrific news that we would not be getting our baby boy. It feels like forever ago for some reason.

I was finally able to go in his room last night. It wasn't near as bad as what I thought it would be. I don't know if that's good or not... part of me feels like I've just kind of closed off those emotions... the other part feels like I'm coming to terms with it all and am at peace with it. Maybe its a bit of both? Who knows.

I think part of my feeling better is that Jeff and I have started TTC again. I wasn't going to tell anyone... but that's just not me!! lol! We've decided to take it pretty seriously and have ordered a whole bunch of products that we are hoping will give us a better chance of conceiving. I might go into those at a later date when we've been using them for a while... maybe I'll do a review of them. We are excited yet nervous about venturing onto the fertility roller coaster again. It's been kind of nice this last year and a half not wondering every month if we were pregnant. I know that I am going to be an emotional basket case again... sorry Jeff! :o) But I am excited at the possibility of having a baby.

I think that's it for now... I have a few thoughts and opinions on some things that people have said and pet peeves that I have. I might share that in my next post. Until then...

Thank You!

2010-09-16T16:10:00.004-07:00

It never ceases to amaze me the support I get from all my friends and family and even from people I've never met. I am extremely grateful for all the comments, messages and notes telling us that you are thinking about us and praying for us. I've especially been thankful for all the bible verses and reminders that in the midst of all of this God is right here beside us... even when it seems at times he isn't.

I'm feeling a little better now that its been a couple days. I honestly believe that 7 years of disappointments every month has given us the coping skills we need to get through these times. I had my day of crying and now I'm back at work and plugging along trying to forget about everything. I will admit that it's the little things that set me off though. For example, we had to get some groceries today and all of a sudden my heart started racing as I realised I'd have to go past the baby area which is where I bought a TON of stuff. It's easier to ignore the pain in my heart when nothing is around to remind me.

I've had a few people ask if we are going to fight the decision that was made. We explored taking the matter higher up but for every point we had they had a valid answer. We also don't want to get ourselves in trouble with the Yukon Family Services since we are still trying to adopt through them. As for our little boy, they have told us that he shouldn't be in Foster Care for too much longer as they already have some families picked out in Alberta... we are grateful for that.

I can honestly say that I am very skeptical of a system where one person can make such a life changing decision. I agree that policy must be followed... we stress it at our ministry unit all the time... but there comes a point (when other people are involved) where you just slap the hand of the employee and continue on. I really think that is what should have happened in this case.

Well, if there is any lesson we have learned through this it is don't trust any decision until the child is in your arms (and even then with adoption it can be iffy) This is two children now that we have "lost" due to "policy" and "politics". Both of my boys will always be in my heart and I will always remember them.

Thanks again for your support.

How many times can a heart break before it is crushed beyond repair?

2010-09-14T21:48:00.005-07:00

I have never been as heartbroken as I am at this moment. I know that I promised some good news... unfortunately the good news I was hoping to share was taken away from us today.

Since February we have been hoping on adopting a 1 year old boy from Alberta. I can't go into many details since this adoption was through Family Services and I must protect the child, but the short story is that the birth father put our names forward as the people he would like to adopt his son. Over the many months since February we have been on a roller coaster of good news and bad news... one moment thinking we would get him, the next thinking we wouldn't.

While we were away in Newfoundland we got a call from Alberta saying that we were chosen as the adoptive family for this child. We were ecstatic. Of course that didn't mean it would actually happen... there would have to be a meeting between the Yukon and Alberta and all the people involved would have to sign off.

While we were in Alberta at the end of August we were allowed to go and visit the foster family and meet our "son". He was so beautiful... I was in love! He was everything we had ever dreamed of. He looks so much like Jeff that I don't think anyone would ever believe that he was adopted! He is such a boy’s boy... rough and tumble. He loves trucks and I don't think there was a moment he didn't have one in his hand. We had a great time getting to know him and getting to know the foster family. Right away we all clicked... it all felt very right.

When we got back to Whitehorse we waited to hear when the big meeting between Alberta and Yukon would be. Finally on September 2nd we got the call that we had been waiting for... they had agreed that we would adopt him!! We were told to start preparing for a toddler in our home! The paperwork would take a while longer since it was an inter-provincial adoption but they were hopeful that we would be able to go and pick him up sometime around October 1st.

I can't describe how excited we were. FINALLY after 7 years of praying for a child our dream was coming true. We started right away preparing his room and buying all the things necessary for an almost 2 year old. I would sit in his room and dream of all the things we would do with him... the places we would take him, the activities we would participate in. I couldn't wait to sit in his room and watch him sleep and to hear him call me mom. I bought a devotional book for children and couldn't wait to have family devotions and teach him about Christ. I had sooooo many dreams...

Unfortunately today our dreams were stripped away. We were waiting on one manager in Alberta to return from vacation to sign off on the papers and when she returned she decided that policy was not followed and put a stop to the adoption. We were hoping and praying that she would have a change of heart but no... today the final decision was made.

I'm so crushed that I honestly don't know how to deal with it... I can't describe to you the pain that is in my heart right now. I honestly feel as if we have had our son ripped from our arms. I just can't believe that after all these months, after all the things we had overcome we are ending HERE.. with my arms empty yet again. sigh...

I have a room now that is filled with all the things we had bought for him... his bed is made, toys are ready to be played with, clothes hanging in the closet. I haven't been able to go in there yet... I just can't imagine having to take it all down and return it all to the store. My dreams are locked in that room at the moment and I honestly don't want to let them go. I don't know when I will be able to... hopefully I get the strength soon.

So, this is what has been happening in our lives this last while. Several people have been asking what’s up... I thought I would let you know. Please pray for us and most importantly please pray for this little boy and that he will go to a GREAT adoptive home where he will be loved and where he will learn about Jesus. I pray that God will protect this child and give him the family he deserves to have.

Shannon

We're back!

2010-09-01T14:51:00.003-07:00

Just a short post to say I'm still here... We were away on holidays but we are back now. We had a great time in Newfoundland with my family. Steve, Christina and the kids were home for a week as well so it was great to get the whole family together. It was also great spending almost every day at Mom and Dad's cabin on the lake... what a life! After Newfoundland we headed to Alberta for Officers Camp and while there got to see friends we had left behind when we moved. We had a GREAT visit with everyone but we were glad to get back home to our own bed.

That's all I have time for now, hopefully I will get a chance to post sometime soon about some exciting things that have been happening... until then keep coming back to check for an update!

Shannon

We're Paper Pregnant!

2010-07-23T22:14:00.002-07:00

I've been waiting several years to use this term! Ever since we first thought about adoption I always grieved the fact that we would never get to be pregnant. Then one day on a forum a lady said that she was paper pregnant... I thought it was the greatest thing! I finally get to say that we're "pregnant"! We just don't know exactly how long the "pregnancy" will be! lol!

Just so you know, Paper Pregnant means that our homestudy is finally complete. The adoption coordinator signed off on it this week and we are officially on the list to adopt a child. That means that if any children become available our social worker will put our names forward and if our profile is a good match for the child we could potentially adopt him/her. It's pretty exciting!

The other good thing about having our homestudy complete is that now we can begin doing our own searching. We are going to send our profile to the doctors offices in town and are also hoping to get a web page of our profile so that people like YOU can refer potential birth moms to check us out. This will take a while of course, but it's exciting to know that we can start working on it! As soon as it's up and running I will be sure to post the link.

EXCITING!! :o)

Heartbroken... again

2010-07-12T16:32:00.004-07:00

I've said before that this adoption has been like a roller coaster... well the ride has unfortunately come to a stop. :o(

Jeff and I have decided, through much prayer, that as of now (unless something drastic changes) we will not be adopting Anesu. As you can imagine we are heartbroken over this decision and we definitely did not come to this conclusion lightly. We met with the adoption coordinator last week and after getting from her a couple pieces of bad news (to add to the other's we already knew) we decided the risk of things not working out, after pouring in LOTS of money, was just too great.

Jeff and I really want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers and for helping us with money. It was such a blessing to see how many people are behind us and really want to see us complete our family.

Shannon

We have a plan...

2010-07-03T11:19:00.004-07:00

Well, what a journey adoption has been so far! Because this adoption is so out of the ordinary it's made it really difficult to get all the answers we needed. I have phoned what feels like a ton of people in Immigration, Service Canada, our local government and our Family Services to which I kept getting the same pat answer "It all sounds great.. what a nice thing your doing!" Well that doesn't help me people! lol!

Finally, through a friend of ours, we discovered that the plan we had in place would not work and that it was actually illegal. The illegal part being that we were bringing him to Canada with the intent to adopt and that I guess is not allowed. We finally decided we would go to a lawyer ourselves to get all the information we needed. We met with the lawyer, explained our situation and she promised she would find out the answers.

Well the next day we get a call from our Social Worker saying that the lawyer had contacted the Adoption Coordinator about the adoption (the lawyer was looking for information) which had brought our case to her attention. The Adoption Coordinator called our Social Worker to see why we were going through a lawyer when family services would be able to give us all the answers we needed and as well would help us get everything done!! I must say I was a little annoyed at the thought that we could have skipped a whole lot of time if, when we brought this to Family Services attention back in March, they had told us this.

But here we are, and however long it took to get the answers we needed we at least know now what the process has to be. So here it is...

Jeff and I will begin the paperwork to sponsor Anesu with the intent to adopt him once he is here in Canada. There is an actual process for this kind of adoption ( which no one told me about when I called immigration... grrrr). The sponsorship takes anywhere from 6-8 months OR up to two years. We are seriously hoping for the 6-8 month time frame. Once Anesu has been sponsored and has his permanent resident card his Aunt will fly over and bring him back here to us. Once he is here we will begin both the adoption process and the citizenship process. Not really sure how long those will take, but I don't really care since he will be here with us then.

The only glitch with this plan is whether Zimbabwe will agree to Anesu coming here to be adopted. They are a hard country to work with so please pray that whatever official makes the decision will have a softened heart.

Another slight problem is the fact that we will probably need to send our friend over to Zimbabwe twice. The first time, this summer, will be to fill out the necessary paperwork and the second time would be to bring him home to us. That puts another financial strain on us, so we are really praying that we can figure out a way to get the money together.

Well, I think that's all the update I have for now. Please keep praying that things work out!

We're Adopting!

2010-05-26T20:03:00.004-07:00

We are so excited to announce that we will be adopting a 3 year old little boy from Zimbabwe! :o) His full name when we adopt him will be Anesu Matthew. Anesu means "God with us" and Matthew (the name Jeff and I have chosen for him) means "Gift from God" I think it is a very fitting name! Anesu will hopefully be coming to Canada in mid-July. It has been a whirlwind past couple months but I'm sure it is nothing in comparison to what it will be like with a toddler in our home! lol! Let me give you a little taste of what's been happening...

On March 31st I woke up to find an e-mail in my facebook inbox from a friend of ours who we went to Bible College with in Winnipeg. Busi was an international student from Africa. She had written the e-mail to several friends saying that she had many losses in her family and due to those tragedies was now the legal guardian of 8 kids in total. She went on to say that she had been praying about how to care for these kids, since she was in school doing her masters and so finally made the decision to place 3 of them for adoption.

As I continued to read I believe my heart stopped...

"The youngest from my sister who passed away last year is Anesu a normal 2 year old full of life and so so cute."

As I read that sentence my mind began to spin. Could this be our child? I went immediately to Jeff to see what he thought; should I write her back or not? he said go for it. And so I wrote her saying that we were in the middle of our homestudy and we would be willing to start praying for little Anesu and whether we should be his parents.

Later that day I had a reply that she would call me that night. I was so anxious to get that phone call. Would she want us to be his parents? And if so, what were we getting into! Where was he living... in Africa or in Winnipeg? Was he healthy? I had so many thoughts flying around in my head.

When the phone rang that evening I think I was a little more calm and maybe more "realistic" about the whole thing. I kept thinking that maybe some other people had responded to her e-mail and she wouldn't choose us anyways. But as we talked I realised that she was seriously thinking of placing him with us if we felt God leading us that way. I asked her to send a picture so that we could put a face with the name. We talked a little about the details... Anesu was in Zimbabwe living with her brother. His mother passed away last year and his father has never been in the picture.

We only talked for a few minutes but she promised she would send some pictures and would get her sister in Zimbabwe to find out how an adoption would work. We were hoping that it wouldn't be too complicated since Busi is the legal guardian and lives here in Canada. The hope was that she would be able to go over to Zimbabwe and get Anesu and then bring him back to Whitehorse. That way we can be looking after him while the adoption goes through (which can take a long time).

Later that evening she sent a picture of Anesu... I was in LOVE! He was so gorgeous.

Over the next couple months we talked almost every week. Busi was making so any phone calls and talking to proffesionals trying to figure out all the logistics. I felt so bad that she was doing all the work. Unfortunately because we live in the north our resources are limited. We don't even have an adoption agency here (there is only social services... who we did our homestudy with). Nothing would have happened if it wasn't for Busi's dedication. Every time I got off the phone with her I would thank God for what she was doing for us.

And so here we are with enough of the pieces together that we feel we can FINALLY let people know. Right now the plan is that Busi will leave for Zimbabwe the end of June. While there she will get all the paperwork done that is needed to get him to Canada. Hopefully that won't take too long (we are hoping between 2-3 weeks) and then she will fly him back here to Whitehorse. She will spend a few days with us as we get him adjusted and then fly home to Winnipeg. Over the next couple years we will work on getting him his citizenship and then legally adopt him.

Unfortunately, like everything in life, this all costs money... LOTS of money. We figure we are looking at $8,000-$9,000 for the whole thing. To some people that would seem like pocket change I'm sure, but for Jeff and I it seems pretty large. We don't want to go into debt because it will take FOREVER for us to pay off that kind of money and as well we don't want to start off our life with a child with a huge debt hanging over our heads. So, if you know of any way that we can raise some money to help bring Anesu home please let me know.

It's been such a weird feeling to think that we are going to be parents to this beautiful little boy in the pictures. Every time I look at him I feel like I'm dreaming. Is it really possible that God will give us such a gift? That he will entrust Anesu's happiness and well-being to us? And even more important trust us to raise him to love Christ? It just amazes me!

You know I feel sort of like I'm pregnant. I have all the anticipation of being a mom but still a little of the anxiety that it may not happen. Because this adoption is a little abnormal there is a chance that we may run into legal and immigration problems. My heartbreak from the past 6 years of riding the infertility rollarcoaster has made me very sceptical of anything good happening to us and I find myself wanting to hold back from telling people about Anesu because maybe it isn't going to happen... but I feel like God is telling me to trust. So it really is like being pregnant... you spend 9 months planning for the future, decorating a room, buying all the items you need but there is still a chance that something may happen and that child may never get to come home with you. Well I've decided that we will plan for the future, decorate a bedroom and buy all the items we will need and pray like all parents that we will get to bring our child home.

So you know what the best part is? No matter what happens God is in control. That has given me so much peace these last couple months. Even if the worse happens and we can't get our son I know that he is in God's hands and that in the end it will be okay. Would I be heartbroken? Of course... he's already my child. But God is so amazing that I know it would be okay. That peace can come from no one else... how awesome is that! :o)

Well I'm going to sign off... there is so much going on in my head right now that I just can't get it all written out. Hopefully over the next month and a half I will have time to tell more of the details and to explain my feelings as we prepare to become parents to a toddler. All I ask right now, as always, is for your prayers that everything will fall into place and we will have Anesu Matthew here with us very soon!

Shannon

Walk for Life

2010-05-13T20:53:00.002-07:00

I did a speech today for Whitehorse's "Walk for Life". Thought maybe I should add it to the blog...

In 1969 a decision was made that has affected millions of lives. It was this year that Abortion became legal in Canada. Since that date millions of healthy, human beings have been lost at the hands of doctors in the name of “women’s rights” In 2005, the latest year on record, 96,815 abortions were performed on Canadian women. Since 1969 in Canada there have been just over 3 million abortions.

But so what? Those are just numbers… statistics. People would have you think that each of those numbers just represents a clump of cells, a non-living being… but I am here today to tell you that each of those numbers represents a life… a life that was never given the chance to see the light of day. Never given the chance to feel the love of a mothers embrace. Never given the chance to grow up and become all that they could have been. Each of those numbers represents a person, a soul that belonged to God and was loved by God.

Psalm 139 says “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”

God has a plan even for the unborn child. He loves them, knows them, and cares for them. The biggest argument around abortion is whether a child in the womb is a person or not. We know from scripture that God believes he is. If you have ever seen an ultrasound of a tiny baby you will know that it is not just a clump of cells… it is a perfect, though somewhat alien looking, human being. Did you know that at 5 weeks the heart begins to beat? By 9 weeks fingerprints are already developed and a child is able to grasp and flex. By 11 weeks nearly all structures and organs are formed and beginning to function. So do you know of any other non-living thing has a heartbeat, arms, legs, eyes, muscles and essentially everything we as adults have? I know I don’t.

So we have all of this information… so what? To a pregnant woman who has found herself in a situation that may seem hopeless what does she do? It is easy for us to say don’t have an abortion, but in her shoes, what options does she have?

Well there are two options. Maybe she stays pregnant, gives birth to a beautiful baby and decides keep her child and raise them and love them and care for them. Or maybe she decides that she can’t give them the life she feels they deserve and so she places them for adoption. Both of these options are scary… they are not easy paths. And we have to understand that.

But Abortion isn’t easy either. Abortion may seem to some people to be the easy way out of a difficult situation, but it isn’t. Not only is it destroying and can I be so bold as to say murdering a human being, but there are risks to the women’s health as well. There are short term health risks, like bleeding and infection, long term risks like infertility and breast cancer, and as well risks for future pregnancy’s including premature births and ectopic pregnancy’s. But I think more than the physical risks, there are great psychological risks. Women who have had abortions are at a greater risk of suffering from anxiety, depression, drug-use, post-traumatic stress disorder just to name a few.

You know, it’s unfortunate that no matter what, a woman with an unwanted pregnancy will have to live with pain, in whatever form either physically or emotionally, no matter the choice she makes. It will not be an easy journey I am sure.

Now you may say, what do I know about the pain? I’ve never been in her shoes. I have never experienced an unwanted pregnancy. But I do know pain, because I have never experienced a WANTED pregnancy. My husband and I have tried for 6 years to start a family with no success. So I may not know the pain and suffering a woman who is considering abortion is going through. But I do know the pain of not being able to carry a child. And something else I know is that, that child is wanted and if not by the birth mom, then by someone else. There are thousands of people out there who would love that child. People like my husband and I who have gone through countless hours of paper work, courses and interviews so that we would be able and equipped to adopt a child.

Everyday that I hear of another Mom who has chosen to abort her baby I cry. I cry at the thought of that perfect child, helpless, without rights whose heart use to beat that didn’t know what was coming; a child that was brought into this world by no fault of their own. I cry when I think of the mom that will have to live with that decision for the rest of her life. I cry for the fathers that may not have wanted the child to be aborted, fathers who also have no rights when it comes to abortion. And, selfishly maybe, I think of people like us, who would do anything to have that child in our wombs, to protect them to love them and care for them.

I pray today that if you are pregnant and you are considering having an abortion please, just think about it a little longer. Do your research. Talk to someone you trust. Don’t go into such a life changing, a life ending decision without knowing all the facts.

And maybe today there is someone who has had an abortion. Maybe you are regretting that decision. Please know you are loved! God loves you, and we love you in Christ. And there is help out there for you. You will see on the signs today a number that you can call and receive guidance and help. As well, if you have a pastor feel free to talk with them. But the important thing is to talk to someone… find the emotional help you need.

I hope today that all of us here will understand the pain that is involved with abortions. That abortion is not a solution, but that the women who are faced with it may need our help, guidance and love. I pray that people will see, that Canada will see, that these tiny perfect lives are people who need protecting. Thank-you!

We are rounding the bend...

2010-04-28T16:55:00.002-07:00

This week we had our 5th homestudy meeting and were told that next Monday should be our last one! YAY! We've only been meeting for 2 months so we were quite shocked to hear that we were almost done considering we were told in the beginning that it could take 4-6 months. We are that much closer to bringing our child home! :o) I'm Happy!

As well, Jeff had his X-ray today and we will find out the results by early next week. He is doing really well and is now able to walk with just one crutch. I can't believe how fast the time has gone (although he may disagree!). It will be nice to have him back at the office. I hate not having him around... I'm use to spending most of everyday with him!

God is good!

It's funny how fast your plans can change!

2010-03-22T17:13:00.001-07:00

Note: This entry is going to be long... very long! As much as I wanted to share with you what has happened with Jeff, I also wanted to document the events so years from now we can come back and read it. This blog tends to be like a journal for me, so it may be a little wordy and have facts that you might not really care about!

On Wednesday March 10th, Jeff was walking back to the office after dropping off the van at the service station for 1:00pm when he slipped on some ice and fell hard on his left hip. Luckily there was a couple driving by that saw him fall and stopped to help. He managed to pull himself to a bench, but when the couple said they would drive him to the office, he couldn't stand. After a few tries the couple said they had better call an ambulance. So, the ambulance came and brought him to the emergency room.

I got a phone call at 2:30pm from a nurse saying that he had fallen and hurt his hip, and so I rushed out the door (I was staying home that day to write my sermon, so I hadn't showered or put on anything other than my sweatshirt and old jeans). I got to the hospital and saw Jeff lying on a stretcher waiting to go in for X-rays. I must say, on my way to the hospital I was kind of thinking, "what a wuss! I'm sure its just bruised!" lol! As soon as I saw him though I knew it was broken. He was having muscle spasms and each time he would grab the bars of the bed and wince at the pain. I've never seen him in so much pain. It was hard to watch. I knew it was broken because a lady from our previous church broke her hip and she had made the exact same sounds and facial expressions when a muscle spasm hit her.

Jeff was wheeled in for x-rays and although I couldn't be in there with him, I could hear him. He says on a scale from 1-10 (and this is the scale the doctors used to assess his pain) the x-ray was an 11. After waiting for about half-hour, he was wheeled out to a room to wait for the doctor. It wasn't too long before they came in and said it was a bad break and that he would have to be airlifted to Vancouver for the surgery. I was in shock! The nurse said that I would be able to fly with him, and that I should rush home and get a bag packed for him and me and be back ASAP as she wasn't sure when the plane would be ready for him.

So off I run, calling people as I was going. Luckily I only live about 2 minutes from the hospital, so I got home quick. I started throwing things in a bag and calling to cancel meetings, talk to DHQ, get Jeff's sister to look after the animals, and letting our shelter manager know so she could look after the office while we were away. It was so hectic and rushed. I had no idea how long we were going to be gone, and I didn't know what I needed to bring. I ended up packing just one change of clothes for me and the bare necessities.

I rushed back to the hospital and waited there for a while until the paramedics came to get him prepared to fly. I began thinking that I didn't pack enough. Luckily, the paramedic told me I should bring Jeff's boots and coat home as he wouldn't need them in Vancouver. So I rushed home again and packed another bag, giving myself three days worth of clothing.

When I returned to the hospital, Jeff was still being looked after by the paramedics, he had to have a catheter, and IV and they did a marvelous job of tying his legs and feet together and then wrapping a blanket tightly around his hips which for the first time since falling gave him relief from the spasms. He said that the moment they did that his pain went from a 10 to a 1. I was so thankful for the paramedics... they were awesome!

By the time he was all strapped in and ready to be airlifted out it was 6:00pm. they wheeled him out to the ambulance and I got to sit in the front seat. They told me as we were driving to the airport that I could fly down with Jeff, but I may not be able to fly back with him. I didn't care... I would do whatever I could to be there with him.

The airport is only a few minutes drive from the hospital and by the time they got us loaded onto the airplane and we were lifting off it was 6:30pm. I must say, if the circumstances had been better, it would have been a really neat experience. It was just a tiny plane, 3 seats (two paramedics and myself) Jeff on a stretcher, and the pilot and co-pilot. People ask me how big the plane was, I respond by saying "you know it's small when the pilot can lean back and talk to you!" The flight was 3 hours, and it was during that time, when I finally had time to think, that I realised what had happened. I couldn't believe I was on an airplane being flown to Vancouver so my husband could have surgery! It just seemed crazy to me. I had no idea where I would stay or how long we would be there. I didn't know what kind of surgery he would have, or how long the recovery time would be. I didn't know if he would come home after surgery, and I wondered if he did come home how would I manage looking after him, my job, and his job. I thought of the million and one things that would need to be done while we were away and wrote a note of people to call and meetings to cancel. I also realised then that I must have looked horrible, since I hadn't showered, or done anything with my hair that day. As well, I hadn't eaten that day other than a light breakfast, so my stomach kept grumbling. I was a mess! I actually think Jeff had a better flight then I did. His pain was almost nil thanks to the paramedics and he slept the whole way. He said it was the best flight he ever had!

We arrived in Vancouver at 9:30pm and was met by another ambulance. The paramedics said that I could use my cell phone now that we had landed, but of course, I forgot to turn it off before take-off and it had run out of battery power from "roaming". I couldn't believe it. Now I'm stuck in Vancouver, and I can't call anyone, like Jeff's parents and my parents to let them know how he was (I had only been able to leave messages while I was rushing around to get ready in Whitehorse.)

Once Jeff was loaded into the ambulance we took the 20 minute trip to the Vancouver General Hospital (VGH). He went into emergency and it was a flurry of activity there. They were concerned about his temperature and his heart was beating way to fast. They were giving him pain killers, more X-rays (which he was not happy about... they HURT!) and taking his vitals. Then, the worst part, they unwrapped him. The moment they did that he went right back to having muscle spasms and right back to cringing and barely breathing. It was frustrating to see. Thankfully the Doctor came in (eventually) to put a splint on him, which helped with the spasms, but didn't help with the pressure of lying on his back the whole day.

Not long after we arrived at the hospital Jeff's Uncle came to see how we were. I had only met Uncle Ted once at our wedding, but was I ever thankful to see him! It was nice having someone to talk to and to support me. He came back to the emergency room and was able to think for me! He asked where I could plug my phone in (so I was then able to update the parents), and got me a hotel room. I stayed at the hospital until about 2:30am and then let Uncle Ted get me set up at the hotel. It was really hard leaving Jeff there, but I knew that I would be of no use to him if I burned myself out.

The next morning I woke up early to phone the hospital to see if Jeff was okay and when he would be in surgery. The nurse said that he was fine and I should call back about 8:15 once the doctor did his rounds to see when he would be in surgery. So I got ready and phoned at 8:15. That's when I found out that Jeff had just been moved to the holding room waiting for the OR to open up. I asked if I could still see him there, to which they told me no. I was also not able to talk to him. I was devastated. I don't think I've cried so much before in my life! I felt like the worst wife ever. All I kept thinking is that he would wonder why I didn't come to see him, and that I didn't care about what he was going through.

Thankfully at about 10:00am I got a call from the nurses saying that Jeff was heading into surgery within a half-hour and he would like to talk to me. The moment I heard his voice I bawled... poor guy! Here he was going into surgery and I was sobbing on the phone! lol! I told him how much I wanted to be there but I had missed him, and that I loved him. He was fine of course.. he figured that was what happened. I only talked to him for a couple minutes, but it made me sooo much more relaxed while I waited for him to come out of surgery.

At about 1:00pm I received a call from the surgeon saying everything went well. They had placed a 16 inch nail through his femur up into the ball of the joint. It took three incisions, one at his knee, one at his hip and one halfway between the two. They were small incisions. The surgeon said that for the next while he would be in recovery and that when he was sent back to his room I could come see him.

It wasn't until around 3:30pm that I got a call from the nurse saying that he was heading back to his room. I ran over to the hospital to see him. He was looking pretty good and alert for just being out of surgery. The alertness didn't stay for too long though! lol! For the next couple days he mostly slept.

Physiotherapy started working with him the next day. That first day they got him to stand with a walker and sit in a wheel chair for about an hour. The next day he stood with the walker, walked to the washroom and then sat in the chair for a little over an hour. The following day he walked with the walker out to the nurses station and back and also the washroom and wheelchair again. I was amazed at how much change there was every day with his movement.

Still, even though he was able to walk a few steps and sit in a chair, he was needing help to get in and out of bed, using the washroom and cleaning up (sponge baths). I took on the job after the first couple days, since I would have to do it all for him when we got home. I will admit it was kind of nice being needed like that! It felt a little like taking care of a 6'2" baby! :o)

On Saturday, Jeff's mom and my parents came to Vancouver to see us. Shelley stayed until Wednesday, my parents just stayed until Sunday at lunch (they had to go back to work at a camp). It was really nice having their support. When your usual support is the one that's sick it quite hard to get through the day on your own. So many times when I was at the hotel I would think of something to tell Jeff and then remember I couldn't. It was pretty lonely... but worse than that was knowing that Jeff was alone at the hospital.

On Sunday towards the end of the afternoon depression started to hit Jeff. It was quite sudden (but not unexpected). Do you know how hard it is to see your husband feeling sad? I hated it. He didn't want me to leave that night, and I stayed until 10:00pm but knew that if I didn't get home and get some sleep (and eat... I think I ate about one meal a day while I was there) I wouldn't be able to keep looking after him. It was so hard leaving him that night... and actually every night after that.

Sunday was also when the Doctor came to say that Jeff was released and they had put in the request for Whitehorse hospital to send the plane back to pick us up. Unfortunately the plane can take anywhere from 1-7 days to come. We were praying for 1 day!

Thankfully the next day we were told that the plane would be leaving Whitehorse at 3:00pm and we would be airlifted back home at 6:30pm. BEST NEWS EVER! So Monday was pretty exciting. Jeff's mom and I took him outside in the wheelchair, hoping the fresh air would help him cheer up a little. It worked for the time being. Days weren't as bad as nights for the depression.

At 5:45pm the paramedics came to get him and we headed off to the airport. At 6:30pm sharp we were on the plane and heading back home. the flight went well, and the paramedics were quite impressed with how little pain Jeff had. Actually, even the nurses and physiotherapist at VGH were pleased with his progress and how well he was doing. I guess most patients with broken hips are not 29 years old! :oP

We arrived back in Whitehorse at 9:00pm and were brought to the emergency room to wait for the doctor to assess him and assign a room. I think of all the waiting I had done up to the point, that felt the longest. I believe we were there for almost 2 hours. I just wanted to see him get settled and get home to see the dog and sleep in my own bed! It was tough being so close to home, yet not being able to go there. I can only imagine what it felt like for Jeff.

At about 11:45pm we were taken to a room upstairs and the nurse got him settled in. It was 12:30am when I finally left and went home. The animals were excited to see me and I was excited to see them. I was looking forward to sleeping in my own bed, but I still didn't sleep too well. My thoughts were always on Jeff. I hated leaving him at night cause that's when he would get lonely and sad. Poor guy.

Tuesday the physiotherapist came to see him and was very impressed with his movement. He actually had him walking the halls and doing a whole flight of stairs (7 of them!) both ways. WOW! I was impressed. He no longer needed the walker and was now on crutches. Tuesday afternoon I was able to get him in the shower, which had to feel great after a week of sitting in bed and only getting sponge baths. I must say, the bathroom was almost flooded by the time he was done and out! lol! Poor janitor!

Not long after, our family doctor came and said that he was free to go home. I panicked a little! I hadn't had time to get the house prepared nor to pick up the items we would need to loan from the Red Cross. So, Jeff stayed in the hospital that night so I could get everything done.

On Wednesday, one week after his fall, Jeff came home. It was late afternoon by the time he was discharged (he did some more stairs and walking and I was taught how to dress his incisions). He surprisingly didn't find it too hard to get into the van or to come up the stairs into the house, which were worries we had at first. It really helps that he's a strong guy and can use his arms to lift himself up.

Once home he was pretty tired and went to bed for pretty much the rest of the day. He finds if he's up too much, he gets really exhausted, though everyday it gets better and better.

It's been nice to be home, but at the same time a little stressful. We aren't equipped with a bed that lowers and moves (which is the way he was able to get comfortable at the hospital). As well, our bathroom isn't exactly "handicap" accessible, so its been a challenge with the items Red Cross gave us to use. I think we've modified it well enough though.

The nights are still the worst part of the day. Jeff can't seem to sleep on his side yet, and so sleeping on his back is becoming tiresome. Then, every few hours he's up to take his pill or use the bathroom, which all include me. I don't mind at all doing it (I'm actually liking that he depends on me... must be the mothering side of me!) but I am alittle concerned about how I'm going to do once I head back to the office.

This morning at 8:30am our social worker came to the house to do an interview with me. I figured it would be a good test to see how it would go, being up early and having Jeff settled before she got here. It worked out well, though I did have an extra hour then what I planned because my alarm clock went off at 6:00am rather than 7:00am!

Tomorrow Jeff goes to our family doctor to have a check-up and to get his staples out. I hope everything is okay with the incisions. They look really good but what do I know!

Jeff has another 4 weeks to go before he has another x-ray to see how the bone healed. If all goes okay he will head back to work and normal activities then. I don't see it being a problem, considering how great he's doing so far. What this does mean for me though is that for the next 4 weeks I'm on my own. I will be looking after him, the house, my job and his job. It's going to be hectic and to tell you the truth I'm a little nervous about it. But thankfully over the next month we are going to be having lots of company. Mom and Dad are coming this Friday for a couple weeks, then our Divisional Commander is coming to do our review (sorry for any non-Salvation Army folks who don't understand those terms!) Next will be our friends from BC for a week, and then Jeff's dad will come at the end of April. It will be nice to have some help and company around.

So, for the next while I will be concentrating on Jeff and getting him back on his feet (and making more and more fun of his "old person" injury), as well as keeping The Salvation Army here afloat (with lots of help from our great staff and DHQ). Thankfully the homestudy process will still be able to continue, though it will set us back a few sessions.

If you've read through this entire entry I congratulate you and I ask, as always, for your prayers!

Shannon

YIKES... kids need a lot of things!

2010-03-09T17:49:00.005-08:00

We've now had two homestudy meetings and each have been great. I think we've connected well with our social worker and the best part is that she's a Christian, so she understands our beliefs and values. So far we've just gone over family history, our thoughts on certain subjects, and how we would describe ourselves. She has also walked through the house, and seemed pleased. There are a few things that we will obviously need to change and fix before we have a child (ie. childproofing) but for right now it's all good.

This past week I've been thinking a lot about what we need to buy for a child, and I must say I'm a little freaked out! lol! Jeff and I went to Walmart the other day and ventured into the baby section (which may I say felt very strange!) and we were looking at all the things we will need. There's TONS of things to think about, and tons of money to be spent! It's a little overwhelming... so I think we will just start to buy stuff now. I'm thinking things like sippy cups, bath towels and childproofing items are safe to get since whether we get an infant or a toddler we will need them. I've started a list of what we will need... if you want to give me any pointers I would love to have them!

We are trying to stay realistic about how long it may take to be placed with a child, but I will admit it's hard not to dream about it. I just hope that when the time comes we are as prepared as we can be!

Homestudy

2010-03-04T17:02:00.005-08:00

Last week we recieved a call from the adoption co-ordinator who wanted to know where we were with our criminal record checks. I think I mentioned in the last post that the fingerprints that we sent away to Ottawa to get processed came back because we didn't send in everything that was needed. So I told her that we were now having to start all over and send them again (it takes 3 months for them to be processed). She said that's too bad because a social worker just had a spot open that she would have liked us to take. My heart dropped! I was thinking "GREAT when will the next spot open!". But thankfully she said that even without all the paperwork in place she was going to let us take that spot! So tomorrow we will be starting our homestudy! YAY! We are really excited to start this process. Once our homestudy is complete we will officially be on the waiting list for a child. As well we will be able to start getting our name out there that we are looking for a child that needs a loving home. Don't be surprised if you get an e-mail from me asking you to keep your ears open for us!

I'm hoping the homestudy doesn't take too long. Our worker said that it usually takes about 4 months. She did say however that she would like to speed that up a little for us. We were told that this social worker doesn't like to let the dust settle on things and really likes to just get it done, which is awesome news for us! I really hope that we connect well with her and that she likes us. I feel a little like Monica and Chandler on Friends! lol!

Keep the prayers coming everyone... we are very thankful for them!

Shannon

A New Year...

2010-01-03T23:08:00.003-08:00

Hellooooooo out there..... Anyone check this thing anymore?? I doubt it. Considering I haven't written a real entry here in a LONG time. Actually I wouldn't have even thought to come and write tonight if it hadn't been for a conversation I had with a friend today. Talking with her shortly about the journey we've been on reminded me that in just a few weeks we will have been TTC for 6 years. 6 YEARS! That seems impossible. The time has gone by very quickly.

I've spent some of the day reading all my old posts and remembering the last few years and the struggles and sorrows that were in them. It's funny though... at one time reading all of those would have made me very sad, but I haven't cried about our struggle with infertility for a very long time now. Funny how things change. I never thought the day would come that I could feel... whats the word... normal! I use to ask my mom (who struggled with infertility herself) when it would get easier. When would the day come that I could be happy for a friend who just found out she's pregnant? When would I be able to hold another person's child and not feel like my heart would crush under the weight of wishing, praying that I could be a mom? When would I be able to truly give it over to God... knowing, not just in my head but in my heart, that his timing, his plan is far better than mine? She use to say that it would just come... one day, some day. And here it is! Do I still feel that slight heartbreak in my chest when I think of it... yes, but it's softened. It's finally at that place where I can live a day without feeling overwhelmed by it. And I am so thankful to God for my continued healing.

Maybe all of this is due in part to the fact that we have started the adoption process. In July we met with the adoption coordinator (which was very successful I believe) and began the paperwork that would be needed to bring a child(ren) into our home. In November we started an adoption class, learning about the troubles and problems these poor children would have because of their upbringing. I must say, instead of coming out of these classes filling better prepared, I was feeling much more worried about what we were getting ourselves in to. We work very closely here in Whitehorse with some very troubled people, a lot of them having been through the foster care and adoption process themselves. Most children here (along with our clients) suffer from FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome). If you have ever spoken with, seen, or tried to help someone with FAS you will know that it is very challenging and can be very heartbreaking. To know that quite likely a child that is chosen for us could have FAS or a myriad of other debilitating and challenging conditions is a little scary when I see the effects of that on peoples lives everyday.

As well, since we are working through the social services system, the children have been taken from their parents not relinquished... and most of those parents happen to be our clients. It all hit home for me just how scary all this was on the last day of our class. A panel of adoptive parents who have been through the system came to answer questions about the process, the joys, the pains. One mother described how since her daughter has been living with her she fears bringing her out in public, afraid that the birth family will see them and cause a scene. She mentioned how just before coming to the class that day she had seen the birth father. She described him and mentioned that thankfully he was so intoxicated and had gone so far down hill that he didn't recognise her. Jeff and I looked at each other and we knew right away who she was talking about... he is one of our regular clients. Sure enough, later we learned the name of the birth father and we were right.

It was in this moment that I began to realise that maybe this was not going to work. Jeff and I are already well known here because of the people we work with. Our clients know where we work, where we live, and they know that on Sundays at 11:00 we are at the church. What happens if we adopt a child of a client of ours who is not happy about losing their baby? How do I deal with the situation if they come to Church on Sunday morning and cause a fuss? I very quickly felt my heart sink as I worried about whether or not we would be able to go through with the adoption process.

But, It was the next story from a lady on the panel that raised my hopes once again. She adopted her sons by writing a generic letter to potential birth moms and putting together a profile made of pictures and information on their lives and sending it to the doctors here in town. The idea is that when a patient who is pregnant comes into see the doctor and mentions that she's looking into adoption he can go to his drawer and pull out the letter and information and let her look through it. It is then up to her (or the doctor) to give the adoptive parents a call and make the first move. This way is called private adoption.

With this kind of adoption the birth mother is giving up her rights to the child... no one is forcing her. As well, the fact that she is seeing a family doctor gives a little more chance that she will be taking care of herself during the pregnancy, meaning less chances of FAS and drug addicted babies.

I knew right away that this would have to be the way we proceed. Of course we will still keep our names on the list to adopt, but we will also go this route. Once our homestudy is completed (hopefully before the summer) we will put together our profile and send it to all the doctors here in town. As well we will send it to people we know all across Canada. Once we have an approved homestudy we are eligible to adopt anywhere in Canada. I've actually thought that we would put together a Facebook page so that friends can direct potential birth moms that they know of to the page to take a look.

But, all of this is still a ways off. We haven't even received back our fingerprints for our police check yet! And the homestudy is a long process taking months to complete. And if you know me, you'll know that by this time next week everything could be changed and we might be deciding on something completely different! lol! Such is my life.

Well, I think I've given a pretty sufficient update. Of course there are tons more things to write about... but it is getting late and I've run out of the energy to continue on (as I'm sure you have in reading it!). I thank each and everyone of my friends and family for being so supportive through this whole journey. I don't think I would be where I am today if it were not for you... and of course the Lord :o)

Blessings to you all in this new year!

Psalm 73 - A Psalm of the Infertile Woman

2009-09-09T16:34:00.003-07:00

A few years ago I was praying through the Psalms and when I read Psalm 73 I felt compelled to "re-work" it to reflect my life. I quickly jotted it down and tucked it away.

I came upon it yesterday after unpacking a box and reflected back on how I was feeling at the time. Since then many things have changed in my heart. I feel I have finally come to a place where I have given over to God my "obsession" to have a child. My focus now is not on fulfilling my wants, but instead on fulfilling the need of a child for a mother. Even though I pray each day to feel a child in my womb, I am no longer consumed by it. I hope you enjoy the following Psalm...

Psalm 73
A Psalm of the Infertile Woman

Surely God is good to the infertile women,
to those who crave a child.

But as for me, my heart had almost lost hope;
I had nearly given up.
For I envied the pregnant
when I saw their rounded bellies.
They have children;
healthy and strong.
They are free from the torture of childlessness;
they are not plagued by desires of
motherhood.

Therefore pride of their children is shown on the walls
Their artwork displayed on the fridge
The stories of their children have no limit

They give advice and suggestions
and claim it will cure our problem.
Their mouths speak out words of emptiness
mixed with false hope.
Therefore, People believe them and forget that
GOD holds the hope.

This is what the mothers are like –
always carefree, they increase their family

Surely in vain have I dreamt of a child;
in vain have I prayed to conceive.
All day long I am plagued by my wants,
I am punished at the end of each month

If I had said all I felt
I would have ruined relationships
When I try to understand all this
it brings me down further
Till I pray to God and enter His presence
Then I understand their own struggles.

Surely they have their own issues
That may break them in an instant.
How suddenly their world could come crashing down
if something were to happen.

As in a dream I awake and realise
we all have problems.

When my heart was grieving;
A child never there;
My spirit became embittered by it.
I was not thinking and was ignorant
of you and your love for me.

Yet I know you are always with me;
You hold me in your arms.
You guide me with your Spirit
And when all is said and done
I will meet you in heaven

Who do I need more, but you?
No child could ever give me what you can.

My quest for a baby may fail
But God is the strength of my heart
And all I need forever.

Praying

2009-03-16T15:46:00.003-07:00

Do you know what I have enjoyed these last couple weeks? Praying for our child. It is quite likely that our son or daughter has already been born (unless we get an infant when we adopt). That is both exciting and scary. I pray everyday that God will protect them until we are together as a family. It scares me to think what they may be facing in their young lives.

I also imagine that somewhere out there a child is praying for us too. Not us specifically of course, but for a mom and dad. I pray that we will be great parents.. understanding, patient and loving. I pray that God will help me with the skills I will need for a child that has been through a tough life.

I would appreciate any prayers for Jeff and I as we go through this journey to get our family.

Shannon

Finally... an UPDATE!

2009-03-13T23:32:00.005-07:00

Wow, it has been a long time since I've written on here. As you probably figured out, after my last post I was pretty discouraged and because of that lost all will to update. Well, a lot has happened since September so let me fill you in (this will be long!).

Jeff and I did see the doctor eventually (in January) after deciding that IVF would definitely be out for us. We went wanting to discuss another option... IUI. IUI is a much cheaper procedure (about 400 bucks a month) but it is not nearly as successful. With IVF we had about an 80% chance of getting pregnant... with the IUI our chances only go up to 5 % (from the 1% chance we have now without treatment). The doctor was not so pleased that we wanted to go this route (I'm not so pleased with him actually but oh well!) but gave in and told us we could do three rounds. So he wrote us out the prescription for Clomid and told us we could start with my next cycle.

Well, February 1st was the beginning of my next cycle, so I called in to let them know that I would be doing a round of IUI that month. A couple days later I get a call saying that they missed a blood test (rubella immunity) on me and that I needed to go and have it done before I could do the IUI. I asked whether I should still take the clomid, and they said yes, go ahead. I had the blood test done that day.

5 days later (after I had taken all my clomid) I get a call saying that the blood test came back negative and that I was not immune to rubella (even though my mom is pretty sure I was vaccinated when I was child). I was devastated. I had just taken my last "crazy" pill ($60), had just paid for the administration part of the IUI ($75) and now I find out I have to cancel the cycle!! They told me that I had to go right away and get vaccinated for Rubella and I couldn't get pregnant until 4 weeks after the shot. Actually it was kind of funny... they told me to use birth control as well so I wouldn't get pregnant that month. HA!! Like that would happen!

Because I can't get pregnant for four weeks after the shot, this cycle was out for IUI as well. So, next month we will try the process again and see what happens. To tell you the truth I'm not all that hopeful about it... but am willing to give it a try just in case.

Now, the other big development that has happened since September is that we have decided that we will apply to adopt a child through social services!! We are sooooo excited about it! Jeff was actually the one to bring it up (on the way back from our doctors appointment in January) and I was the one that was more against it... kind of a reversal from a few years ago! The last couple months though, the more I thought of it, the more it seemed that this was the plan God had for our lives... even if we have biological children. It just began to feel right.

Well, last Wednesday we went to an adoption information meeting in Calgary to see what it would involve. We came out of there feeling positive that this was what we needed to do. We both just felt a peace about it. Jeff actually came out saying that there was no way we couldn't do it!

The problem with this plan to adopt is that there is a high probability that we will be moving this year or next year. Because of that we can't apply while we are here in High River. We have decided that whenever we move we will begin the application process right away. I get so excited thinking about it!

Jeff and I have also decided (and this may change as time goes on) that we would like to apply for a child between the ages of 0-5. We are also willing to adopt a sibling group and children with some physical disabilities (blind, deaf, missing limbs etc.) but not mental disabilities. I just can't make a conscience decision to take on a child that may need to be dependant on us for the rest of our lives. Saying that, if God chooses that child for us we will love them completely and face the challenges, but right now I can't knowingly take that on.

So, there it is... our update! I want to thank you all for praying for us and helping us through this emotional roller coaster. I know we are still on it, but I feel like we are rounding the last bend.

Please keep praying for us!

Shannon

IVF is out

2008-09-19T15:58:00.004-07:00

We got a letter from the fund today that said we were approved for $3000.00. I am so disappointed. That leaves us trying to come up with $9500.00... and that just isn't possible right now. So, needless to say I am once again crushed. I just want something to work out... something that will move us along to finally being parents.

I did phone the doctors office to set up an appointment. I want to see if it is possible to use the grant money for treatment other then IVF... for example a round of injectables with IUI (which the $3000 would cover easily.. maybe even two rounds). When we were last there the doctor said this wasn't really an option for us because the percentage of success was low, but the way I figure it, IVF is out of the picture so it's worth a try right? Without the doctors recommendation though, I know we won't be able to use the money. So we will see.

Anyways, I may write more later... not really in the mood to write right now, but I wanted to let you all know.

Shannon

Prayers for Tuesday night please!!

2008-09-15T11:50:00.003-07:00

This past weekend I wrote an e-mail to the "Generations of Hope" fund to see if they had even received our application. Since we sent it by mail, and we hadn't heard anything from them, I wanted to make sure that they had it. Well we got a response back today that they have received it and that it should make it on their agenda for tomorrow night!! We should hear back sometime either late this week or early next week. I'm so excited, even though it may come back saying we weren't approved, but at least then we will know and can plan our future accordingly.

Anyways, I just wanted to let you all know and ask that you pray tomorrow night that the right decision will be made (whether it's to approve it or not) and that we will be able to accept whatever outcome. I really feel that this will help give us some clarification on what God's will is in all of this. If it's approved then I know that we can move forward... if not I know God is stopping it for some reason or another.

Thanks in advance for your prayers and as soon as we hear I will let you all know!

Shannon

Midnight Ramblings...

2008-09-03T23:07:00.005-07:00

I've been re-reading my old blog entries tonight and I am both encouraged and saddened by them.

First, reading everyone's encouraging words and sensing their love for us has made me realise how blessed we really are. We have amazing family and friends. I can't thank you enough for supporting us.

But mostly tonight I am saddened. As I read old posts I realised just how long we have been trying. I realise the kind of roller coaster we have been on. My oldest posts are all about hope, and then it turns to anger, then to extreme grief, and then nothing. That's what I feel like lately... nothing. Sure I still cry here and there, but for the most part I feel numb. I feel like I am just floating, like my feet aren't touching the ground. Its an odd feeling, to feel nothing.

Jeff and I have pretty much stopped TTC and to tell you the truth the break has been nice. For months now, when AF comes I am not depressed by it at all. I know when to expect her and I know (most months without a shadow of a doubt) that I am not pregnant.

But this month I've been feeling like I need to touch the ground again. I feel kind of lost... or something. I don't really know what it is. All I know is that I don't think it is good for me to be feeling nothing... to feel empty. Maybe that's what it is... emptiness. Hmm.. I may have to think on that.

We're back!

2008-08-27T08:25:00.003-07:00

Hi All!

I'm back from Newfoundland and it was great! We had an awesome time. It was really the perfect holiday... just the right amount of time.

When we arrived home I was really hoping to see an envelope with good news sitting on my table, but it wasn't there. I guess now we will hopefully hear back in September. I hate this waiting game. I just want to know, good or bad.

We found out this week that friends of ours who were also struggling with infertility are now pregnant. I'm very happy for them, but at the same time I feel very saddened. Once again we are left on our own... I believe they were the last married friends that didn't have a baby. It seems like everyone else is realising their dreams while we sit here waiting. It's very frustrating.

Anyways, that's it for an update... not much is happening in the fertility department...as usual. As soon as we hear I will update with the news.

Shannon

No news yet...

2008-07-20T21:32:00.002-07:00

We still haven't heard about our funding, and I'm not expecting to hear now until next month. The Doctor mentioned that they meet at the beginning of every month so if we made it to that meeting I would think we would have heard back by now. So, we have to wait a little longer before we know what our future holds.

On a good note one week from tomorrow we will be heading to Newfoundland for a three week vacation! I can't wait! We're going to take the first 5 days to travel up to L'Anse aux Meadows and then spend one week at mom and dad's cabin on the lake and a week in my home town. Should be fun!

I'm hoping that when we return there will be an envelope with good news sitting on my table! Even funding for $8,000 or so would be helpful. Well, I guess I just have to be patient.

You probably won't hear from me now until I get back... so have a great summer!

Shannon

What are you?

2008-07-05T10:13:00.003-07:00

Are you an optimist or a pessimist?

I am definitely a pessimist! Last night I was talking with Jeff about our application and that I'm not feeling very confident that we are going to get funding. Jeff on the other hand thinks we will.

For as long as I remember I have always been a pessimist. Really, I think being a pessimist is the best way. Its a win, win situation! For example, I believe we aren't going to get funding. If we do get it I will be surprised and will be ecstatic. If we don't I won't be too disappointed because I wasn't thinking we would anyway. If I were an optimist and we didn't get funding I would be heartbroken.

So I got thinking about all that and I wonder if God made me a pessimist because he knew I would be struggling with infertility. I think it would be very hard to be an optimist while going through this journey. On those rare months when I am optimistic I have the most heartbreaking let down. It's not worth it I don't think. I would much rather prepare my self for the worst and hope for the best.

So how about you? Do you see the glass as half full or half empty?

Shannon

It's out of our hands...

2008-06-25T19:19:00.002-07:00

We sent our funding application for IVF today. What a relief to have it done and in the mail! Although now I am going to be on pins and needles waiting for an answer. We could find out early next month or a couple months from now. Not knowing when will be hard.

As I dropped it into the mail I said a little prayer that God's will would be done. We still aren't sure if this is the path God has chosen for us, but until he puts up a road block we will continue on. I am really hoping that it is right for us. The idea that we could be pregnant before Christmas is exciting! And maybe even with Twins! Although, that idea is also a little scary. :)

If you wouldn't mind, please keep this in your prayers as well. We really want to do what God wants us to do. I don't want to end up on the operating table thinking we made the wrong decision!

I will keep you all posted!

Shannon

Still here...

2008-06-16T18:06:00.002-07:00

What a BORING blog I have!! I just never seem to want to write on here anymore.

Just to keep you updated, we were given the application to apply for funding for IVF a couple months ago and we still haven't completed it yet. I don't know if it's just my procrastination or if it's the fact that I don't want to travel down that road. Maybe it's a bit of both. I figure if I was that excited about doing it I would have sat down and filled it out by now. But, I really am a BIG procrastinator!

As for the rest of life:

We are STILL in the process of trying to get the new church completed. We are waiting on a building permit so we can start on the inside work.
All of our weekly programs have shut down for the summer now so that will free us up a little more.
We are planning on going to the mountains for camping next Sunday after church. I'm really looking forward to that.
We are going to newfie-land this summer for 3 weeks. Should be tons of fun! We just need to find cheap tickets!

Today is also a sad day for me... it was one year ago today that my Nan passed away. I can't believe a year has gone by already! I don't think her death has really sunk in for me yet. I think when we go home this summer it will really hit me.

So that's life at the moment. As soon as anything else happens I will update you all.

Shannon

Mothers Day...

2008-05-10T21:14:00.004-07:00

...or as I like to call it "rub it in your face that you don't have a kid" day.

This day sucks... well for me at least. It is just another reminder that I do not get the chance to celebrate as a mother. But meanwhile, I have to go to church and put on a happy face and give out flowers to all the moms and say "Happy Mothers Day" to everyone I see. I hate it. It drains me. All I want to do is stay home, curl up and cry. It is all so unfair.

I've been dreading this day all week. To top it off, I brought Tillsley to the breeders house today. We are going to a course in Winnipeg this week so he is staying with her for 10 days! I miss him already.

A good part of tomorrow though is that I am going to see my best friend. I can't wait! Although I wish we didn't have to go to class all week. But we are staying there next weekend so we will get a few free days with them. It should be a busy, but fun week!

Well, sorry to all you mothers. I really do wish you all a wonderful mothers day! And to my mom... I love you! I wouldn't be able to get through my days without you... so Happy Mother's Day! xox

Shannon

I miss my puppy!!

2008-04-27T21:54:00.003-07:00

This has nothing to do with infertility... but I miss my puppy! I just dropped him off at my friend Dawns house. We are going to be in Calgary all this week at a conference and it didn't seem fair to have him in his kennel all day and night (6:30am - 8:00pm). This is the first time I've been away from him since we got him in November. I really hope that he doesn't terrorise them all week!!

Seriously, I am really going to find this week hard. I know some of you are thinking... "its just a dog"... and I wish I could think that way, but he really has become my baby. You have no idea what that puppy has done for me during these last few months. We got him just after finding out about our 1% chance of ever having children (without IVF) and I think it is because of him that I didn't have a complete breakdown. Having to look after him and "baby" him has helped fulfil that motherly side of me. And of course bringing him everywhere with me and having people tell me how cute he is!

Well, I will probably regret writing this in the morning when I realise just how lame all of this is... but oh well. I miss my puppy... that's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Shannon

To fund or not to fund? That is the question.

2008-04-23T20:07:00.004-07:00

We had our doctor's appointment today. It went well. Not a whole lot accomplished, but I wasn't really expecting it to. We did receive an application to apply to "Generations Of Hope", an organization that helps fund couples for IVF. The fact that the doctor gave us the application is a good indication that we might get approved, but you never know. So for now we are going to fill out the forms, send them off and see what they say. I really hope that we get full funding rather then partial.

I had mixed emotions this morning after the appointment. Part of me is so angry and frustrated that we have to even see a fertility specialist, and the other part of me is excited about the possibility of IVF. Not the actual procedure but the fact that we might actually get pregnant this year. I haven't had hope like that for a long time. It feels good to see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel when we were in darkness for so long.

Off the topic of infertility, I went to the emergency room this afternoon, after my fertility doctor suggested it, to check out a blood shot eye. Turns out I have a contagious infection that I received when looking after a friends day home children for a morning last Thursday. No good deed goes unpunished right? lol! So, along with a horrible cold I have been fighting since Saturday (which I also caught from the kids), I have not been to work this week and looks like until my eye clears up I won't be back there for a couple more days yet. Staying home was fun for the first day... now I'm just bored!

Well, I believe that is all for now. Keep praying... especially for guidance as we decide what path God has choosen for us.

Shannon

I would die for that... or would I?

2008-04-05T13:19:00.002-07:00

The last several weeks I have been listening non-stop to my favorite infertility song by Kellie Coffey. I posted the you-tube video on here a while back but I thought I would just give you the post to her music. http://www.kelliecoffey.com/Music.asp. I like the video, but I find that it distracts me from the words of the song. Listen to it if you have a moment.

The songs main point is that she would die to have the family that everyone else has. She would do anything to have the chance to hear a child call her mom. I've been thinking about that statement "I would die for that", and I wonder, would I? Would I do ANYTHING to have a child? I don't think I would.

I heard a couple months ago about a couple who had been trying for years (12) to have a child and she finally got pregnant. About 6 months into the pregnancy her husband died of a massive heart attack. I thought how horrible... to finally get your "gift" but to not be able to enjoy it. And I know God doesn't work this way, but I thought what if God had said its either a baby or your husband... you choose! I phoned Jeff after I heard the story, with tears in my eyes, and told him no baby was ever worth him and our marriage. I would never sacrifice our lives together to have a child. It isn't worth it to me.

There was a show on TV once about a women who had told her husband that her parents would pay for a round of IVF ($10,000) so they did the procedure (it didn't work) only to find out after that she had actually applied for several credit cards behind his back and had charged the cost of the procedure to the cards, sending them into more debt (they had already spent about $20,000 on IVF cycles before). I can't imagine doing something like that. To want a child so bad that you put your future in jeopardy? I would never think of doing something like that.

Saying that, I will go as far as God allows to bring this dream of ours to reality. Any door he opens I will go through, and any door he closes I will accept. The song says "and I won't understand it, if its not meant to be." That's true, I won't understand it... I won't understand why God has given me a heart that aches for a child and then not give me the child to love... but who am I? I can't see the big picture. I don't know what the future holds, only He does.

So would I die to have what so many of my friends and family have? Would I die to hold a baby in my arms, and not have to pass it back to it's mother? Would I die to hear the words "I love you mom"? The answer is no... I wouldn't... but I would still love to experience it all and will continue on this journey until I feel I need to stop.

Infertility SUCKS!!

2008-02-22T08:20:00.003-08:00

We had our information meeting on IVF last night. It wasn't too informative, only because I have done so much research I kind of knew it all. I figured it would be good for Jeff but he said nothing was new to him either because I tell him everything. :) I can't help it I'm a women... I talk!

So, we didn't find out anything new but it was frustrating listening to all of it. If you ever have a minute research IVF and see what is involved in doing it. It is such a complicated, time and money consuming thing. I left feeling rather mad that we are at this point in our journey. This is not how babies are suppose to be made. Its suppose to be free... you know in the back seat of the car kind of deal!

Jeff and I are still deciding on whether this is the path for us. There are a lot of factors to consider. There is funding available but it seems that it wouldn't be fully funded just partial. Also, the ethics of IVF are to be considered. And of course the time and strain put on my body. We figure we will go as far as God allows. So right now I have a Pelvic Ultrasound this afternoon and then we will book an appointment with the doctor to see about funding.

There was a psychologist there last night as well. Again, I kind of knew everything she was saying, but one thing stuck in my mind. She was talking about the grief that infertility patients go through and that many people grieve the loss of the ability to have children easily. That is where I am at. I am so MAD that this is what we have come to. I am so MAD that we can't just have sex and 9 months later have a baby. When I hear of people who got pregnant by "oops" or tried for a couple months and then got pregnant I just want to scream! Why can't that be us! It isn't fair.

And I'm not mad at God. We live in a fallen world. Our (being all of humanity) sin has caused the suffering. I am just mad at the circumstance we are in. If it weren't for God, I don't think I would be able to cope with this at all.

So anyways, sorry again that there hasn't been regular updates. I don't even know if people come by to check this blog anymore, but it does help me get out all of my feelings.

Shannon

Preparing The Field

2008-01-15T10:40:00.001-08:00

I just finished watching the movie "Facing the Giants" for the fourth time! Every time it comes on tv I am drawn to it. I guess because it matches our lives so perfectly. Every time I watch it something new stands out to me and this time it was this quote:

“The Lord will send the rain. You need to prepare your field to receive it.”

I need to prepare my life to accept God's blessings. And that doesn't necessarily mean that he will send a baby... I pray that he will... but that any blessing he is wanting to send I must first prepare myself for it.

So often we pray for something and then sit around and wait for the answer. Instead of that we must pray believing. If we pray for rain we must prepare the fields in anticipation of it.

I truly believe that God will send a child into our lives at some point. Maybe it will be our own flesh and blood, adopted or even a child that has a home but needs someone to love them. I must prepare my body, my house, my life, my heart for that child. All these years that we have been waiting I could have been getting ready!

Anyways, that was my thought this morning. It gives me hope and something to work on as we wait.

Shannon

Back in the game... sadly

2008-01-14T08:34:00.000-08:00

Well, last week was the first time in a long time that I became depressed over not having a baby.

We were at officers retreat and a friend of mine had a baby shower while we were there. I am excited for them, but at the same time it is difficult. I feel horribly selfish and stupid. I was contemplating not going (she would have understood) but decided that it would be fine and I was making too much of an issue out of it, but it really did me in. And I hate that I let it get to me. It wasn't even so much seeing my friend with her cute pregnant belly... it was the fact that every women in that room (who was married) had a child. They were all talking about their pregnancies and baby tips and what they read to their child at bed time. It sucks not being able to join into those conversations.

After that the rest of the day and night was nothing but tears. I couldn't sleep I just kept thinking how unfair it was that I may never experience that. I was glad that I had brought one of my infertility books. It gave me comfort to read it and realise that there are people who understand. I ended up getting up at 4:30am and going to the lobby to read.

The book that I am re-reading has so much information in it. Every word I read I feel like all my weird feelings are normal. Did you know that "infertility patients are second only to Cancer patients in terms of what they will endure for a cure?" And that "women with infertility had levels of emotional distress equal to those of patients with cancer or heart disease. For every failed attempt to conceive, couples experience grief for what could have been. As this is repeated month after month, sometimes for years, it becomes chronic grief." THAT'S ME! How sad is that.

Anyways, you may be hearing from me a little more now. This book has helped me put to words a lot of my feelings.

Until then,

Shannon

A Dog's Life

2007-12-20T08:15:00.001-08:00

I've been realising that this blog is SADLY neglected!! Not because I don't have the time (Okay well maybe that's a valid excuse this month) or the want to write, I just don't really have anything exciting to write about... at least not on baby news.

We have been strangely at peace since we were last at the doctors. I have my moments when I feel like crying, but really that's no different then the past 4 years. Christmas will be hard. Christmas sucks without kids. I can't imagine waking up every Christmas morning to an empty house. What a bore. Anyways, Christmas is hard because it reminds me that the year before I thought that by now for SURE I would have a baby or be pregnant. Its a "great" reminder of just how long it has been since we started TTC. :(

I think the best thing that has happened to keep my mind off babies is the dog. Tillsley has been such a blessing for me. Even though I get so frustrated at times, it is all worth it. And it really has taught me a lot about parenting. He's up all night (he's been sick with diarrhea), I have to "puppy" proof my home (yesterday he got into the cupboard below the sink and ate a Magic Eraser), I have been giving him medicine (for the diarrhea... he doesn't like it!), taking him to the vet (I stepped on him... oops!) and the best part is that because he is soooo small I can carry him around with me everywhere and everyone stops to say hello and pet him! (He really is a great ministry tool) I bring him to the office regularly because our Family Services volunteer owns a chihuahua puppy too, from the same breeder. So Tillsley and Ringo play lots together.

Below is a short clip of Tillsley. The quality isn't great because it was taken on my camera.

Well, I guess that is it. The new year will probably bring with it a little more baby news. Until then, have a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year! God Bless!

Shannon

UPDATE

2007-11-17T09:21:00.001-08:00

I guess I should give everyone an update. Where to begin...

First, Jeff and I are coping with last weeks disturbing news very well right now. The first couple days were hard, but we have been able to give it over to God, knowing that his will is right for us. It is still hard sometimes, especially when I see people who are pregnant, but there have been no tears about it all since that first day.

Second, I talked to a lady this week that mentioned her mother had IVF paid for by an organization in Calgary. We knew there was a fund for IVF... but it was nice talking to someone who had experience with it. So I looked it up online and found out that there is a good chance that we will qualify for it! We have to wait until February when we go back to the Doctor to ask about it... it will be a long wait!

Third, we got a puppy!! His name is Tillsley and he is a pure breed Chihuahua. He is such a cutie! Our Thrift Store manager breeds them, and let's just say I got a good deal for taking care of all the puppies for a week while she was gone. So far he has been great. We are Pee-Pad training him which is going well... somedays! We had a little trouble at night with whining and barking, but we put his crate in our bedroom and now he doesn't make a sound at night. The cats are a little annoyed with him since all he wants to do is play... but the last day or so they have been getting along a little better, even crawling into my lap to all have a snuggle.

Isn't he cute!! Not much of a dog... Jeff says it's like a hamster that is allowed to run around the house!

I think that is all the news so far. Christmas is starting up in a couple weeks so life will once again be crazy busy. That's good for us... keeps our minds off of baby things!

Have a great day!

Shannon

2007-11-08T08:07:00.000-08:00

We've made it through the last few days and it has become a little easier... although it hasn't really sunk in yet. I never realised how many times a day I would think about being pregnant... until now when I have to tell myself to let it go. And its the simplest things, like taking Advil and thinking, "when I get pregnant I will need to get Tylenol" (Tylenol is safer then Advil when pregnant). Or talking to someone about babies and refraining from saying "When I'm pregnant".

Something else that has been hard is the realizations of what we are going to miss out on. I was looking at pictures of a friend of mine with her daughter and thinking how much they look alike when I realised that we won't get to see if our child will have red hair or blond, fair skin or tan. There won't be any mini-me's running around. And until you have that dream taken away you don't realise how much that actually matters.

So what is our plan? Jeff and I have decided to look into adoption and will be pursuing that right away (as soon as I figure out how!). We figure that we will work towards this and if God closes the door we will know that it isn't for us. And the thought of adoption is exciting. I have always thought that it would be great to give a child a loving home. I just always thought we would have our own as well.

Supposedly Alberta has been trying for years to include Infertility treatments like IVF in the provincial health care plan. Maybe some day it will be included and we will be able to do IVF. And who knows, maybe we will get pregnant on our own... 1% is better then nothing! Although I am not holding on to this hope. I just can't go through the next 15 years thinking every month that I might be pregnant. 4 years is long enough.

I want to thank all of you for your support and prayers. Sometimes I feel like such a drama queen, but through it all you have loved us. Thank you so much!

Shannon

My worst nightmare... come true

2007-11-06T13:14:00.000-08:00

My hands are shaking as I write this. I just can't believe it.

As you know we had a doctors appointment today at the infertility clinic. I was looking forward to this meeting thinking that finally we would get some answers and a plan together. Well, we got some answers alright. The doctor told us that we only have a 1 % chance of ever getting pregnant on our own. I'm shocked... I just can't believe that this is happening. He told us that basically our only chances of ever having a baby is through IVF ($10,000). IUI ($400) won't work for us.

Needless to say we are devastated by this news. Even though we obviously knew something was wrong, we could pretend that it was just timing.... now the cover has been blown. We are officially "infertile". Wow, that word sounds so hollow.

Tears are falling as I write this. I just can't imagine never feeling a baby inside me. Never having a chance to hear the heartbeat of my unborn baby. Never experiencing what it is like to hold an infant that lived inside of you for 9 months. I just can't imagine....

But, as sad and hurt and broken I feel I know that God will be our strength. I know that he will be our guide.

Please pray for us. Pray that we will see what path God has for us. Pray that we will have the strength to continue on. Pray that he will be able to heal our broken hearts.

blessings,

Shannon

We got a call!!!

2007-10-31T06:14:00.000-07:00

Last week we got a call from the fertility clinic in Calgary. Our appointment is booked for November 6th. I am so happy!! The last couple months have been kind of relaxing, baby wise, but I'm ready to start trying again. I'm hoping that this appointment will finally get the ball rolling towards some sort of treatment. IUI is what we are thinking and I hope that we can do it soon. I would love to be pregnant by Christmas!! That's wishful thinking though!

I will let you all know how the appointment goes next week. Keep praying!!

Shannon

PS. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Hello out there!

2007-10-11T07:26:00.000-07:00

Sorry to all my faithful readers... life has been just a little too busy to be updating a blog. Plus there really isn't anything to report. Jeff and I have taken the last few months off from TTC and will probably take the next few off as well. We just really need the break and until we get into see the fertility specialist in Calgary there really isn't much chance that we will get pregnant anyways. Of course, you never know what the Lord will have in store!

Jeff and I, this last month, have really started to get back on track spiritually. It can be hard as a pastor sometimes. Your work (writing sermons, studying, reading) can start to take the place of personal time with the Lord which is not good. So these next few months we will be putting our focus back on God and forgetting (yeah right!! lol!) the baby thing for a while. I've also started to tell myself that I will be okay if God decides that we are not to have children. That has been a hard one to take, but on days I'm actually okay with it. I need to be sure and prove that my relationship with Christ is more important then a child.

So, it could be another long wait for my next post. I figure it will probably be when I get a call from the fertility specialist. So, keep checking back every so often to see. Thank you everyone for your prayers and thoughts... please keep them coming!

Shannon

A Much Needed Month Off... again

2007-09-03T09:16:00.000-07:00

No baby this month either... I just needed a break after last month. I'm finding I'm taking more and more months off this year. I guess it's just getting to me as time goes by. Part of me is happy to have a break. Part of me is sad to have a break. And part of me is mad that I am even needing to have a break. So lets just say I'm one messed up chick!

I'm hoping this month I will get a call from the hospital in Calgary about what’s next. I want to find out about the IUI. I'm wondering if they are waiting for a blood test that I was supposed to do this month but couldn't because I was in Red Deer. I'm hoping not since I've had that test done before. We shall see.

So anyways, this could be a slow month on my blog... not that I've been posting much anyway. Depends on whether the doctor's office phones. I'll keep you posted!

Shannon

I Would Die For That

2007-08-26T17:22:00.001-07:00

I found this video on YouTube. It's a music video by Kellie Coffey who struggled with infertility herself. Thought I would share it with you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

Shannon

Made it through... on to another month!

2007-08-23T21:58:00.000-07:00

Sorry for worrying some of you with my last post. I forget sometimes that you only see the comments I make in the heat of the moment and not the time after. As heartbroken as I was to see AF come, as angry and disappointed I was at not being pregnant... again, I'm okay. It is always hardest the first day, and then the pain slowly drains away as the days pass by. And then hope starts to take the place of pain and the roller coaster ride starts all over again. Unfortunately, this has become the norm in my life.

We were away in Red Deer this week and while there we went to "Parables" the christian book store. While there I found a book called "Empty Womb, Aching Heart". It's a collection of short stories written by both men and women, about their struggles with infertility. It is Christian based, so the stories are mainly about God's grace. The stories so far have been very helpful. The first two in the book were exactly what I was needing those first few days after AF arrived.

The first chapter is titled "Crying In The Diaper Aisle". It was because of this title that I bought the book. I have had many a tear in the "Diaper Aisle". The chapter is about a lady, Megan, and her husband who have been trying for 5 years to get pregnant with no luck. She talks about how she use to never cry but now all of a sudden she cries at anything baby related, TV Shows, parents at the mall, the child on the diaper box. And every time she cries she rememberes what people have said to her:

"God's timing is perfect" my friends would say. "God knows what's best," my pastor assured us. "Get a hold of yourself," my mother urged. "Christians are supposed to be happy. Remember all things work together for good to those who love the Lord!"

"Maybe they were right. Did my tears show a lack of faith? Did these sudden outbursts reveal that I wasn't trusting in God? What kind of witness was I, with my long face, and tears in the diaper Aisle?"

Then Megan goes to lunch with her friend Debbie who had lost her dad recently and was still grieving. Her friend shares how even though the months have passed she still cries at the sight of his picture or at anything that reminds her of her dad. She feels guilty for this because he was a christian and she was suppose to be happy that he was with Jesus now. Megan tells her that it is normal to grieve.

"You've lost your father. Just because he's in heaven doesn't mean it shouldn't hurt. You have to cry; its part of the grieving process."

So Megan leaves the restaurant and while driving home thinks about their conversation:

"As I thought about it, I realised that, like Debbie, I too had lost someone I loved - the child I longed for, but didn't have. Why did I think my loss was less significant, less painful? Why did I believe that I didn't need to grieve? Perhaps, like I'd told Debbie, it was okay to cry."

"All this time I'd been fighting the tears and telling myself I should trust God and be content, I hadn't allowed myself to grieve. I thought crying was a sign of weak faith, but maybe it was a sign of God's attempt to bring healing to my heart."

"Infertility is a hard road, a painful road. Sometimes tears are needed to smooth the way. Sometimes it's right to cry."

You have no idea how this story helped calm my fear about my trust, or what I thought to be lack of trust, in God. So many times I felt guilty for feeling so depressed. I felt like every tear I cried just proved how mush I distrusted God's plan for my life.

When I read this chapter, I realised... it is exactly like grieving for someone. Every month I grieve for the child I "lost" yet I felt guilty for doing it. Yet I wouldn't tell one of my congregants who had lost someone to "buck up and get over it". So why should I tell myself that? I have realised that if I need to cry and be depressed and grieve then I need to let that happen. It is only though the grieving process that I can receive healing from Christ.

So from now on... if I need to cry, I will! And If I need to grieve, I will! And if I need to be angry at the injustice of it all, I will! But through all of that, I will allow God's healing to come upon me. I will allow God to give me hope again... for another month.

Shannon

well...

2007-08-18T19:23:00.000-07:00

The dreaming is over... AF showed up. And as predicted, I'm heartbroken. It feels as if I've lost someone I love. I keep wondering when this will get easier... when I will get to the point where I can accept the facts. How long will I keep putting my emotions through this? When will the time come that I don't feel this ache in my heart? Because I really don't know how much more I can take.

Shannon

2ww

2007-08-15T07:44:00.000-07:00

Hi all.... or is there anyone there? I don't know if anyone is reading this blog anymore, but no matter, it helps me get my "thoughts and feelings" out.

I am now in the 2ww. I was sitting in the TV room this morning watching "a baby story" (I'm totally addicted!) thinking about how these weeks suck, when I thought of a good part of it. When I am in the 2ww it is hard because you want to find out if you are pregnant and 2 weeks is a long time to find out. The good part is that you have 2 weeks where you can pretend to be pregnant. You have hope. If I let myself, I can dream about being pregnant, when I would be due, how we would tell people, how the room would be set up and so on.

The catch to this fantasy land of pregnant bellies and baby clothes is that so far in my life, after the 2ww I end up not being pregnant and therefore crushed. The problem with letting your emotions run high is that they can then run VERY low. The emotional trip is not just unpleasant, it eats away a little part of you each time.

So, some months I let myself dream and prepare for the heartbreak, but other times I hold back. It is as if my brain knows when I can handle it, and when I can't. The mind is amazing like that.

I guess this month my brain sees fit to let me dream!

Shannon

"Facing the Giants"

2007-08-11T19:11:00.000-07:00

Have you seen this movie? If you haven't, go and rent it. It's got a great story... unfortunately the acting isn't the best, but for a movie that was made on 100,000 dollars... not bad! It was done by a church in the States. We watched it in June with the Bible Study group, but I saw it again tonight on TV.

The movie is about a high school coach and team that haven't had a winning season in 6 years. It goes through the coaches struggles with his work, his house, car, and, you guessed it, infertility. Him and his wife have been trying for 4 years and finally decide to go and get tested. It turns out that the wife is okay but the husband's check-up isn't good. The whole movie is based around what God can do. I won't give away the ending... just go and see it.

Anyways, there is a quote in the movie that has stayed with me since I saw it in June. The wife is talking to her husband about going to get "checked out" and how he shouldn't be scared to do it. She then goes into how much she wants children. She dreams of them running around the house, of reading them stories, etc. Then she says "How can I miss someone so much who I haven't ever even met?" I bawled at that. It describes my feelings to a tee. Every month I grieve for a child I have never seen. I cry for the life that never was, and maybe never will be. And I wonder like her "how can I miss someone so much that I have never even met?"

If you want to understand a little about what Jeff and I go through every month... watch this movie. I have not seen a movie yet that better portrays the struggles of infertility.

Most of all though, what I want to remember from this movie is the theme. NOTHING is impossible with God. I need to not only believe that... I need to live that.

Go watch the movie!

Shannon

Grrrrrrr...

2007-08-02T09:51:00.001-07:00

I went to the doctor yesterday to ask about doing IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). (For more information on this procedure you can read about it here http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/iui.html ) I was really hoping that we could have it done next cycle since this is my last cycle on Clomid. Well, the doctor said that we can begin the process but it will take several months before we can do it. I REALLY had my heart set on next month. But I guess I have to be a little more patient. Grrrrrrrrr!

Also, Jeff and I were on the C-Train a couple days ago and while we were sitting there a little boy started crying... very quietly actually, and the mom got mad and covered up his mouth.... and nose!!! I was ready to jump on her. She was trying to keep him quiet by just covering his mouth (Which by the way wasn't working... he was getting more and more upset) but her hand was big and he was only about 2 so she kept plugging his nose too. I thought he was going to suffocate... I was steaming. I felt so bad... should I have said something? I didn't want to pick a fight... but I mean how many times do we let adults get away with things like that? I always wonder about that. So often we turn a blind eye to it. It's so hard to know what is right. So anyways, of course I start feeling really upset that this women has a child and I am without. It always seems so unfair. Grrrrrrrrrr!

Anyways, that's my life at the moment. As I mentioned this is my last cycle on clomid. So for the next few months until the IUI I will be ovulating on my own. I'm not to worried about stopping them... they haven't worked so far. I just pray that in these next few months we get pregnant on our own so that we don't have to go through the IUI.

Have a great day everyone!

Shannon

Crazy Pill Time!!

2007-07-24T22:36:00.001-07:00

So AF showed up over the weekend... booooo!! Kind of figured it would. So I am on to yet another month of TTC. It sucks!

I'm going to do something a little different this month though. Usually I take Clomid on CD 5-9. I read somewhere that if you take it CD 5-9 you get better "quantity" of eggs. If you take it CD 3-7 you are suppose to get better "quality" eggs. Considering that I already ovulate on my own, I don't really need quantity, I need quality. So I am going to take it CD 3-7 this month. I did a bit of research and it said in several places that women have actually had more success taking it CD 3-7 then CD5-9... so hopefully I will be successful as well.

I also have a doctor's appointment next Wednesday to talk about our next option... IUI. So we shall see if maybe my next cycle (September) I can get that done. It's the cheapest of the fertility treatments. It will probably cost somewhere between 400 and 500 dollars... I hope.

Anyways, that's the update on me right now. Keep praying everyone... don't give up on us!

Shannon

New way of thinking

2007-07-18T14:24:00.000-07:00

Jeff and I have decided to live our lives differently. For over three years we have been "waiting" for a baby. Every time we talk about anything in the future it includes children. If we want to do something (like take a trip) its "By the time we save we will have a baby and won't be able to go." We have put our lives on hold for this child that doesn't even exist. How sad is that?

So we decided that from now on we will live as if a child is not in our future. I mean who says that we will ever have children. Even with adoption we may never get chosen. I saw a show last night and a couple had waited 18 years on the adoption list. So no more!! From now on the future includes just Jeff and I. And if a child happens to come, great!

Now, even though we are thinking like this, we are still going to be TTC. I still plan on doing whatever I can to have a child, but with the thought that it may not work and if it doesn't, we will be okay. I have a great life. A husband that loves me, a roof over my head, some money in my pocket, and a list of blessings too long to mention. What more could I ask for? A child would just be the cherry on top... but I don't need the "cherry" to have a wonderful life. God has given me everything I NEED, and most of my wants. I need to be thankful for those things.

Anyways, continue to keep us in your prayers. I still find myself saying "When we have a baby we should...." As much as we have this "figured out" we need to actually apply it!

Shannon

Wondering...

2007-06-27T21:15:00.001-07:00

There has been a lot on my mind lately... I'll spare you the details. I was just wondering if I could ask a question of all the parents out there (and hopeful parents):

Why did you decide to have children?

Jeff and I have talked about this a few times, and I never really know what the answer is. I mean do we want kids just because that's the next step in life? Do we want them because we need the love you get from a child? Or maybe we want them because we want to feel needed?

I've just been wondering.

Shannon

Funny!

2007-06-26T21:16:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bY1IUBgqPc4

A friend of ours shared this video with us.... toooooo funny! Hope you have a good laugh!

Shannon

She's gone...

2007-06-17T08:17:00.001-07:00

Olive Mutford 1920-2007

Well, The struggle is over, last night my Nan passed away. I'm still in shock. I just can't believe that she is really gone. I thought I was prepared for her death... that I had made peace with it... but I'm so upset. Just knowing that I won't be able to go to her house for dinner when we go home next year... to know that I won't be able to kiss her or hug her again. It's really hard. I'm going to miss her. I am so glad that I got to go home and say good bye though. I think this would have been a lot harder if I had not had the chance to do that.

Please keep our family in your prayers. The funeral is tomorrow.

I love you Nan. We are all going to miss you. :(

Shannon

I'm Back!

2007-06-12T04:56:00.000-07:00

Bet some of you didn't even know I was gone! This week has been a busy one. Where to start...

Well, My Nan has been in the hospital for two weeks because of her heart. Last Saturday I got a call from my mom and dad saying that the family had been called in because she wasn't going to make it. I haven't seen my nan for 3 1/2 years and I just really felt like I wanted to be there for the funeral. So I booked a flight to leave on Sunday night for Newfoundland. My brother decided to come as well and we ended up (as well as a cousin) coming on the same flight. My parents came to pick us up and we made the 4 hour journey home from the airport. Half way home we got a call saying that nan had turned for the worst and we had better hurry up and get there. So off we went. We got to the hospital expecting the worst but as soon as she saw us she perked up.

As the week went on she kept going from bad to good. One minute we thought "this is it... she's going" and then the next she was sitting up in bed eating! She is a very strong women! Anyways, to make a long story short, she is still alive! When we left to come home yesterday she was sitting in bed eating breakfast! Its absolutely amazing to me!

She is not out of danger by any means. She is still very week and tired and now the last couple days she's been hallucinating (some of the things she sees is very funny! She even laughs at herself!). While we are all not really expecting her to pull out of this, part of me is not giving up hope yet. I won't be surprised either way. When we left yesterday we dropped in to say good bye to her and she was able to give us biggggggg hugs and said a few words of wisdom to my brother and I. She told me that I will have a baby soon enough and that it would be a girl! Let's hope!

Please keep Nan in your prayers and especially all my family that are in Twillingate. They are all taking shifts being with her 24/7. It's very tiring on everyone. Pray for strength for them all. Also pray that the doctors and nurses will know what to do... she has surprised them all! ( I don't think bacon and eggs has ever been delivered to the palliative care room!!)

Beyond all of that, our friends Krista and Ryan are coming to visit today! I'm so excited! It should be a fun, but busy week. Also, on the baby front, We missed out this month because I was gone to Newfoundland. Part of me is kind of relieved... to have another month off.

I think that is about it. I will keep you updated on my nan and what to pray for. Thanks everyone!

Shannon

Weapon of Prayer

2007-05-30T14:52:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,

I wanted to start a prayer chain and I would appreciate as many people as possible joining in. Invite your friends, family and church! The hope is to have a place where we can join together in prayer for one another. So, please go and check it out!

weaponofprayer.blogspot.com

Shannon

I apologise!

2007-05-27T06:31:00.000-07:00

I'm very sorry to all my faithful readers for not posting much this last while. I know how frustrating it is to check everyday (several times a day!) and see no change in a blog. So I do apologise!

The reason why I haven't written much this month is that I really needed some time away from it all. We decided that we would take last month off so that I could give myself a break from it all. It was a welcome relief! AF came and it wasn't upsetting at all! Which is so great... you really have no idea just how tiring this whole game is.

But now we are back into the swing of things (hehe). We went to the doctor and we are on two more months of clomid. After that we may look into further treatment. We aren't 100% sure yet what the future has in store. But I am feeling really good right now. Last month really made a difference in my emotional well being.

As for the rest of my life beyond TTC... well life is going good! I was pretty sick last weekend but that is finally over with.

Our friends Mike and Melissa Mailman were accepted into training college for September! (congrats guys!) Please keep them in your prayers as they follow God's leading into full time ministry (as if you guys aren't doing that already!!).

Only a few of you sent me pictures!!! How can I make a scrapbook about all my lovely friends if you don't send me pictures! So please, please I beg you to send them to me! Thanks!

I know there is other stuff going on... I just can't think of anything right now! Too early in the morning!

I hope you all have a great day... I will try to post a little more regularly this month!

Love you all!

Shannon

To All My Friends And Family

2007-05-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned before, I am trying to create a "blessings" scrapbook. Well you are all blessings in my life and I need pictures! So if you are reading this, please send me a photo of yourself that I can incorporate into my scrapbook. Family shots are wonderful as well. Send them to shannonjhoward@hotmail.com. PLEASE, PLEASE send them to me! I don't want to leave anyone out!

Thanks guys!

Shannon

Tagged

2007-05-16T14:42:00.000-07:00

1: Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.
2: People who are tagged, write a blog post about their own 8 random things, and post these rules.
3: At the end of your post you need to tag 8 people and include their names.
4: Don't forget to leave them a comment and tell them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

Did I mention that I hate these things?

1. I love camping. I think camping is the one vacation that Jeff and I take that we don't think about work at all. We just have a tent and we love it! Cooking outdoors, going on hikes, reading a book beside the fire. It's so great! We are just waiting for the moment that we can get out there!

2. I have two psycho cats! Brengle and Mareschale are CRAZY! Brengle especially has a way of getting under your skin, while at the same time melting your heart! One minute I want to snuggle him (He loves to be snuggled) and the next I want to break his neck! lol The craziest thing about brengle is that he loves water. He sits in the sink in the bathroom and I can turn the tap on and let the sink fill to the rim and he just soaks in it! CRAZY!

3. I bite my nails... which is why I try to get Gel Nails! Can't chew those suckers!

4. I am letting my hair grow long so that I can donate it to "locks of love". I hate my hair right now... long hair does not look good on me. I'm hoping I will have the right length to get it cut soon!

5. Man, I need to make it to 8!! Geez... okay random fact.... Oh I know. I no longer drink coke. Well, not entirely true. I have it when we eat out (I love fountain coke!) but at home I only drink milk or water. Its been about a month... I have not seen a difference in my pants size... grrrrr.

6. I have a hole in my hand because I had my blood taken. I actually like getting my blood taken... weird eh?

7. My hubby and I have been trying to have a baby for 39 months... that's a long time.

8. I am horrible at staying in contact with people. I hate the phone. E-mail is always the best for me!

YAH! I did it! That was hard. Okay who can I pick on now?

1. Melissa
2. Breian

That's all I got folks! More of my friends need blogs!

Shannon

Went to the doctor

2007-05-16T14:33:00.000-07:00

So we had a doctors appointment today. I was expecting to have to wait for an appointment for a couple weeks since that is the norm, but I phoned this morning and they had an opening! So that was good. We finished our last pack of clomid this month so we had to go back to the doc to get two more refills. If we don't get pregnant in these next two months then that is it. So here's to hoping and praying!

After talking to a friend of mine I realised that I hadn't given an update on the cat that had decided to camp in our back yard! Well, good news, we found the cats home! I had put an ad on the radio and a lady phoned. His name was Mr. Six.... strange I know! She was super happy. Supposedly he had gotten lost on Saturday and we found him on Monday. She picked him up on Wednesday. He was a really great cat... I kind of miss him!

I think that's about it for now. I have been tagged by John so if I get a minute I will post that!

Have a great afternoon!

Shannon

Mothers Day

2007-05-13T21:24:00.000-07:00

Well I made it through mothers day. I kept myself pretty busy today with friends so it made it a little easier. Tonight though... well that's a different story.

I'm not really sad... I'm just really, really tired of it all. I'm mad I think. Its an odd emotion actually. I don't know how to describe it. I want to scream and cry all at the same time... and I am sooooo sick of waiting. I want a baby RIGHT now. ARGGGGG. Its so unfair.

You all must be so sick of my complaining. I feel like such a whiner! But I just can't help it... I have to get it out.

Something has to happen soon... I can't take this much longer.

Shannon

I'm Home!

2007-05-08T05:33:00.000-07:00

We had a great time with our friends in Lloydminister! It was so good to be able to spend time with them. It was hard leaving though because they are going to Training College in September (Well, they haven't been accepted just yet... but I know they're going!) and we don't know when we will see them again. We will have to figure something out.

So the trip was great and our ride back to High River was pretty uneventful... until we got home! When I got out of the car in the drive way I heard a cat meowing loudly and I thought one of the neighbours cats was trying to get in their house. I realised though that the meowing was coming from our back yard! Wondering if one of our cats had gotten out I went looking only to discover a grey and white cat sitting on our garbage box! And what a friendly cat! She couldn't get enough of us petting her. Worried that she was lost we gave her some food and water (Which she devoured quite quickly) and I put out a little padded cat house for shelter. I have never seen her around here before, so I don't know if she is a neighbours cat or not. All night of course I kept checking on her making sure that she was okay. Well, I woke up this morning and she is still there! So I guess we need to put up some "Found" posters around town this morning! I have a feeling she isn't leaving any time soon. Hmmm.... Maybe she can be my outdoor cat!

So that was all very exciting. I am not excited however to be back into the swing of things. I was quite enjoying my holiday. But that's life and there is a ton of work to be done.

Well that's it for right now. I need to go check on the cat!

Have a great day everyone!

Shannon

Craziness!

2007-04-30T06:56:00.000-07:00

(Two post in one day!! Not bad!)

So I've started taking my crazy pills again! We shall see if they will make me as nuts as I was last month. Maybe I really am insane and I am just using the clomid as an excuse! Who knows! lol!

We are going to be heading to Lloydminster to see our friends on Wednesday! I can't wait. I really need a vacation and I really want to see them! So you may not hear from me for a while.

I'm going to be a little mean though and ask that you pray for us, but I'm not going to tell you why... I'm sorry! I hate when people do that to me! But we have some decisions to make and I want to be sure that we follow God's plan. Please pray for clarity for us and peace once the decision is made.

Thank you everyone... I love you all!

Shannon

Happy Anniversary To Us!

2007-04-30T06:32:00.000-07:00

It is our 5 year anniversary today! YAH! I can't believe it has been 5 years! Time flies by doesn't it? Jeff looks so young!

Well here's to you my love! We've been through a lot, and we are stronger for it. I couldn't imagine this life without you. I love you more today then you will ever know!

With all my Love!

Shannon

What can I say today?

2007-04-26T12:17:00.000-07:00

I guess mostly that I am one messed up woman! I go from being so content with my life, to being so pissed off I just want to scream. Having all those emotions are not fun. One minute I am crying, the next I'm screaming, and then all of a sudden I'm okay. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind!

I think I am going to try and put together a scrap book of all my blessings in life. That way whenever I am feeling really down, when I am so frustrated at God, I can look at it and remember just how blessed I really am. Now I just have to get off my butt and do it! I'm a horrible procrastinator!

Anyways, that's it for today. Sorry the posts aren't as often as they use to be. I just can't seem to focus much these last few months.

Shannon

Well...

2007-04-24T06:12:00.000-07:00

AF came this morning... actually last night a little, but I waited until this morning to be sure. So there goes my chance for this month. You know, I have been through this roller coaster 38 (wish I could swear right here) times!! And to tell you the truth I'm getting very sick of it. I'm not really sad this month, more angry right now. It just isn't fair that so many people can just look at a guy and get pregnant and we have to go through all this. I don't know. It's so hard. And do you want to know the hardest part? Having to tell Jeff that this isn't the month. Having to see his face as I tell him. I hate it.

I think I'm going to focus a little more in these coming months on getting healthy. Jeff and I have stopped drinking coke so maybe that is the boost we need to start losing weight. Who knows, I'm just so FRUSTRATED right now.

Well, the day still goes on whether I want it to or not and I've got a busy one.

Shannon

urgggg...

2007-04-22T20:54:00.000-07:00

So while I was preaching today I started getting cramps. I was so mad. I mean of all places!! Anyways, I was trying to keep my mind on my sermon and not on whether AF was here early. I made it through the service and actually waited until I was home to see if she had come. But she wasn't there... which is kind of nice. But I don't know what all this cramping is about. I really feel like she is coming. I've been told by a lot of people that when you are pregnant you feel like AF is coming, so maybe I am. I really doubt it though. I don't feel pregnant at all.

I am really hoping that even if AF is coming that it can hold off for a while yet. Today is the day that I would normally start but since taking clomid my cycles are longer. So we shall see what these next couple weeks will bring. Lets hope and pray for a BFP though!

Shannon

Nothing to do with infertility....

2007-04-17T07:57:00.000-07:00

...but they are my substitute babies! I just had to share them with you... enjoy!

"The Infertility Companion"

2007-04-14T11:28:00.000-07:00

So the above mentioned title belongs to a book I am in the process of reading. It is a christian book on infertility and it has been great so far. I was surprised to see such a thing when I went to the christian book store on Tuesday. It was written by a christian lady who struggled with infertility her whole life (she never did have kids) and her doctor, who happens to be a christian man. So you get two perspectives which is great.

I will probably be sharing several excerpts from this book in the next few days or weeks, but I came across this today and I wanted to share it with you.

"Is there a scientific link between fertility and prayer? It would appear so. Researchers in one study discovered that women at an IVF clinic had higher pregnancy rates when, unknown to the patients, total strangers prayed for their success. In the study, researchers found that of the 199 women involved, those who were prayed for became pregnant twice as often as those who were not the focus of prayer. The researchers said they initially hesitated to report their findings but ultimately decided the information was too significant to suppress. None of the patients knew about the study nor did the medical staff caring for them.

While the data is too preliminary for us to be dogmatic, it certainly supports asking your friends, family, and church members to pray for you. And, of course, continue to pray for yourself. It not only deepens your relationship with God; it has the added benefit of improving your brain health and function."

Keep praying everyone!

Shannon

Hot Flashes? You've got to be kidding me!

2007-04-12T09:01:00.000-07:00

I will never make fun of a women having hot flashes again. It sucks... big time! One minute I am perfectly fine, then all of a sudden I am burning up! It feels like I have a furnace inside me! And it comes at the strangest times and places. I hate when it happens in public, because I feel like I go all red and I have to start waving something on my face just to breath! Its really horrible. I really thought that I was going to be one of the few who had no side effects of Clomid... guess not!

Just so you all know, I have now officially ovulated, so I am into the 2 Week Wait (2ww). This is the worst time of the month. Now is when your mind runs off with every little twinge, cramp, or nausea that you feel.

I guess that's it for now. Have a great day everyone!

Shannon

The Hormones are RAGING!!

2007-04-10T12:23:00.000-07:00

Wow, I really hope that it is the clomid that is making me this cranky and emotional. I've gone from feeling like screaming to feeling like crying in just minutes! Let's start with the anger... my poor husband. All he has to do is look at me the wrong way and I want to flip! So far I've been able to keep most of it to myself... but a few times, boy has he gotten it! We were watching a movie the other night and I just flipped... for no reason. I keep having to bite my tongue. At least he knows that its not him so he kind of just rolls with it.

Second... I am so sad. It's hard to explain, but every so often I just feel like my heart is breaking. Literally breaking. I can't breath and I just feel like sobbing... not just tears... but a full out sob. Every time I see a baby I have to hold back. We were at Cost-Co yesterday and just seeing all these children and babies... man It was hard not to break down. Its very odd for me. I usually only get like this once AF comes because I realise I'm not pregnant. When I'm in the middle of my cycle I'm usually excited... cause this could be the month.

Its got to be the clomid.... right? I hope I'm not losing my mind!

Shannon

Happy Easter!

2007-04-08T08:42:00.000-07:00

All I have to say today is...

He is Risen! Hallelujah!

Good Friday

2007-04-06T06:27:00.000-07:00

The Good Friday Story

27Then the governor's soldiers took Jesus into the Praetorium and gathered the whole company of soldiers around him. 28They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him, 29and then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on his head. They put a staff in his right hand and knelt in front of him and mocked him. "Hail, king of the Jews!" they said. 30They spit on him, and took the staff and struck him on the head again and again. 31After they had mocked him, they took off the robe and put his own clothes on him. Then they led him away to crucify him.

32As they were going out, they met a man from Cyrene, named Simon, and they forced him to carry the cross. 33They came to a place called Golgotha (which means The Place of the Skull). 34There they offered Jesus wine to drink, mixed with gall; but after tasting it, he refused to drink it. 35When they had crucified him, they divided up his clothes by casting lots. 36And sitting down, they kept watch over him there. 37Above his head they placed the written charge against him: THIS IS JESUS, THE KING OF THE JEWS. 38Two robbers were crucified with him, one on his right and one on his left. 39Those who passed by hurled insults at him, shaking their heads 40and saying, "You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in three days, save yourself! Come down from the cross, if you are the Son of God!"

41In the same way the chief priests, the teachers of the law and the elders mocked him. 42"He saved others," they said, "but he can't save himself! He's the King of Israel! Let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. 43He trusts in God. Let God rescue him now if he wants him, for he said, 'I am the Son of God.' " 44In the same way the robbers who were crucified with him also heaped insults on him.

45From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. 46About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

47When some of those standing there heard this, they said, "He's calling Elijah."

48Immediately one of them ran and got a sponge. He filled it with wine vinegar, put it on a stick, and offered it to Jesus to drink. 49The rest said, "Now leave him alone. Let's see if Elijah comes to save him."

50And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit.

51At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. 52The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. 53They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus' resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people.

54When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, "Surely he was the Son of God!"

55Many women were there, watching from a distance. They had followed Jesus from Galilee to care for his needs. 56Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and Joses, and the mother of Zebedee's sons.

57As evening approached, there came a rich man from Arimathea, named Joseph, who had himself become a disciple of Jesus. 58Going to Pilate, he asked for Jesus' body, and Pilate ordered that it be given to him. 59Joseph took the body, wrapped it in a clean linen cloth, 60and placed it in his own new tomb that he had cut out of the rock. He rolled a big stone in front of the entrance to the tomb and went away. 61Mary Magdalene and the other Mary were sitting there opposite the tomb.

It is days like this that I remember just how blessed I am. To have a King that gave his life for me... what more could I ever want? I pray you all take a chance today to thank the Lord for the blessings in your life and for the greatest gift ever... Salvation.

Music to my ears... well not quite

2007-04-05T13:45:00.000-07:00

I received in the mail today a brand new cornet!! (its a trumpet like instrument for all you non-Salvation Army band people!) I'm so excited! We have wanted to start a small band here since we arrived and I haven't been able to find a cornet. But now through the Canadian Staff Band I was able to get a brand new one... for free! And its great... except its been a while since I played. Needless to say Jeff and I need some (okay... a lot of) practice!

In other news, I've finished my clomid for this month, so now I have to wait for ovulation. You know, I think God is trying to teach me patience! It is so hard having to always wait for something.

So that's about it for news right now! I really need a more exciting life!

Shannon

Lessons I've Learned... long post!

2007-03-30T19:05:00.000-07:00

So I'm back! Its good to be home. I love to see family and friends, but there is nothing like your own bed! And of course my cats!

While I was away this past week at the Rural Ministries Summit I did a lot of thinking about this whole infertility issue. I have realised that I have never gone to the Bible for the answer. And as I sat in the conference, pretending to listen (shh... don't tell!) I thought to myself "If you want answers why don't you go to the one place that can give them to you." So I did. There isn't a whole lot of passages in the Bible that deal with infertility, but I did find a few that I found to be very comforting. Let me share them with you.

1. "Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters. But to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the Lord had closed her womb. And because the Lord had closed her womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the Lord, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. Elkanah her husband would say to her, "Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?"

"Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on a chair by the door post of the Lord's temple. In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. And she made a vow, saying, "O Lord Almighty, If you will only look upon your servants misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."

As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, "How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine."

"Not so, my lord," Hannah replied, "I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief."

Eli answered, "Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him." She said, "May your servant find favor in your eyes." Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.

Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the LORD and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah lay with Hannah his wife, and the LORD remembered her. So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, "Because I asked the LORD for him."

Do you see what Hannah went through? Years of not having children, having to be tormented by a society that looked upon "barren" women like they were diseased. And what did she do? She prayed! And not just a "Please dear Lord, please give me a child"... NO! She prayed with everything inside of her. She "wept much" and poured out her soul to the Lord. And then she goes home believing that God will answer. And He does!! I don't think I have prayed like that, and I don't think I have had faith like that.

2. "Praise the LORD. Praise, O servants of the LORD, praise the name of the LORD. Let the name of the LORD be praised, both now and forevermore.

From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the LORD is to be praised. The LORD is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens. Who is like the LORD our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?

He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes, with the princes of their people.

He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD."

Wouldn't that be considered a promise from the Bible? That if we praise him, truly praise him (which is key) he will provide Children to those who long for them?

3. "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."

This is why I am going through all of this. So that I can pass along comfort to those who are going through similar situations. If we know the comfort of Christ, we can pass along that comfort to others. If I can help just one person in this world get through the difficulty of infertility, if I can use my story to bring the love of Christ to someone, then all of this is worth it.

4. This week there was also a song that came up twice, once at Steve and Christina's church in Ottawa, and the second at the conference. The words are below.

1.He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,

He sendeth more strength as our labors increase,

To added afflictions he addeth his mercy,

To multiplied trials he multiplies peace.

2.When we have exhausted our store of endurance,

When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,

When we reach the end of our hoarded resources

Our Father's full giving is only begun.

3.His love has no limits, his grace has no measure,

His power no boundary known unto men;

For out of his infinite riches in Jesus

He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

Annie Johnson Flint (1866-1932)

Isn't that amazing? I really feel like that song was written just for me. It brought such comfort this past week. Especially on Sunday. I had just found out that I wasn't pregnant, and all through church I felt like I would just break down at any moment and cry, and then this song was announced....Wow! I still felt like crying, but not because I was broken hearted, but because I felt Gods hand upon me.

I know this post is super long, but you have no idea how much all of this has helped me. God has a plan for Jeff and I and whatever that path may be for us I am willing to follow him... whatever the cost. I will continue to pray for a baby, but I will leave it up to Him. I know that I will struggle and I will falter, but I also know where I can find strength. Praise the Lord!

Hey all

2007-03-28T10:31:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, No I am not back home but I realised today that there is wireless Internet here at Jackson's point! So I thought I had left you all hanging long enough and should clue you in on what has been going on.

I am not pregnant. This past Sunday AF showed up. It was very difficult for Jeff and I. We REALLY thought that this was the month. I felt different, had symptoms and really just felt like God had said this would be it... but it wasn't to be. So needless to say we were both very shocked and felt a little confused. But we know that God is in control and whenever it happens it will be the best time for us.

I've been thinking about Gods timing a lot lately. And after talking with a friend, who also went through infertility, about giving everything to God I've realised that I have to follow his will, not mine. This isn't new thoughts, but just a reminder. I think sometimes we need to be reminded of Gods promise that he has everything in control. I know that someday I will get pregnant but until then I need to continue to put God first.

Enough about that for a minute! We have had a wonderful time here in Ontario so far. We arrived at Jeff's parents last Tuesday and stayed with them until Thursday. Then we went to see a friend of mine in Barrie and stayed with her until Friday morning. Then we drove 5 hours to Ottawa to spend the weekend with my brother and his family and my Mom and Dad. On Monday we drove another 5 hours to Jackson's Point where Jeff dropped me off. I hate that he's not here with me! Jeff flew home last night and I will be flying home on Friday. I can't wait to get home. Its not bad here at Jackson's, but home is always nicer!

So that's about it. Please pray that Jeff and I will be able to let God lead us as we go through this journey. I always want to make it about me and what I want. I need to be able to give it over to God.

Thanks for all your prayers this month, don't give up on us!

Shannon

I WANT TO SLEEP!

2007-03-20T00:29:00.000-07:00

It is past 1:30 am here and I'm still up! Actually I took a 2 hour nap at 10:00. We are getting ready to go to Ontario. Our flight leaves at 7:00am so we have to leave here at about 4:30. I'm just getting the house cleaned up and packing. I hate morning flights! If I were less of a procrastinator it wouldn't be so bad!

I really hope that this week will go fast and that I will be able to keep "babies" off my mine. That is all I think about. I would be implanting right about now, so please pray that there is a fertilised egg and that it sticks! That's what I've been praying all day every day. Jeff and I will be so disappointed this month if AF comes. Its tough every month, but this month it will be worse.

Anyways, not sure when I will post again. If I get a BFP I will let you all know ASAP! Keep praying!

Shannon

I'm going crazy!

2007-03-18T18:19:00.000-07:00

Do you know what the worst thing is about TTC? The last few days of your cycle when you think "everything" is a "sign of pregnancy". Every little twitch I feel, every time I feel queasy, every time I go to the bathroom I think "am I pregnant?". Anything and everything has to do with having a baby. I mean it could literally drive you to the nutty house!

I either need to get a BFP (Big Fat Positive) or my AF (Period) soon or I will go nuts!

Here's hoping for the BFP!

Shannon

Tylenol Please

2007-03-17T07:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I went to laser tag last night.... and oh my goodness am I ever sore!! I feel like I spent hours at the gym! I can't breath without it hurting! I've never been to laser tag before, but it was awesome. We brought our youth group and they are energetic kids. It was difficult keeping up with them. If you have never gone before, do so! It was so fun and it only cost 12 dollars per person for two games. I definitely recommend it!

As for other news.... nothing much to report. We are heading out to Ontario on Tuesday. I can't wait for that. Mom and Dad are trying to get out of work so that they can make their flight to Ottawa next Friday. The company is being a jerk. Their hoping that Monday they can get out. Which means they wouldn't get here until Tuesday which means we will be gone. So we will see them in Ottawa on the weekend.

As for baby news, nothing to report yet, other then that I'm still in the running so it's looking good! But who knows. I try not to get my hopes up. I realised these past few days that there is always something to worry about. Right now it's getting pregnant, then it's miscarrying, then it's still birth, then it's crib death, then it's falling off the playground set, then it's getting into a car accident... and the list goes on. How do you parents do it!! Is there always something to worry about? I know we aren't suppose to worry, and I don't think we should let it consume our lives, but you have to at least think of it every once in a while, right?

Should go... plenty of work to do! Talk to you later!

Shannon

HAPPY B-DAY KEEGAN!

2007-03-15T08:25:00.000-07:00

It's my "nephews" b-day today!! (okay, not real nephew, my cousins child, but were like sisters!) He's 4... WOW! I hope you have a good one Keegan!

Love from,

Auntie Shannon

Busy, Busy!

2007-03-14T13:50:00.000-07:00

I am so busy!! I apologise for how sparse my posting has been lately. And it won't get much better this month! As of next Tuesday we are heading out to Ontario, and I doubt I will have time to post while I am there. This week I am trying to get everything done before we head off. There is so much to do and so little time! But its all good. I'm not too stressed.

So anyways, thought I should just let you all know why this blog will lack for a while. I have to get back to work! Have a good day!

Shannon

I'm Ovulating!!

2007-03-12T10:31:00.000-07:00

I think today is the day! I won't go into detail about how I know... for the sake of the those who really don't want to read about that, but I will say that all the signs are there! Which is great! Except for one thing. Ovulating this late in my cycle can mean that I have a problem with luteal phase. This is the time after you ovulate. You need at least 10 days after ovulation for the egg to attach. If my body decides before those 10 days that I'm not pregnant, even if there is a fertilised egg, I will get my period and then its all over. As you can see from the ticker on the side, I only have 8 days till my "expected" period, so I am really hoping that my body will realise that I ovulated late and not want to bring on menstruation. I Really hope that "she" doesn't show up at all and that I'm pregnant!

Not much else is happening today. A friend of ours is coming to stay for the night, so that's exciting. We love to have people stay at the house! We get really bored being by ourselves sometimes. It's nice to have company!

If anything else exciting happens today I will let you know. Talk to you all later!

Shannon

Baby got Fluff!

2007-03-09T17:52:00.000-08:00

Okay, you all have to go to http://www.kissaluvs.com/contest/contest-entries.html and check out my friends video. Click on "baby got fluff". It is so adorable! You can't vote yet, but keep checking back everyday and start voting for her. You can read the contest rules and prizes on the website.

Good luck Allison!

Shannon

Yet another beautiful day!

2007-03-08T15:45:00.000-08:00

So it is again a beautiful day outside. Its a little windy, but it is still nice to breath the fresh spring air. I fear it is only a tease though. Just a Chinook coming through to make us put away our winter gear. Then one morning we shall wake up to a foot of snow on the ground.

Jeff and I have started walking everyday now, and it's been really nice. I have just been gaining more and more and it is driving me nuts. I keep thinking that if I continue on this path I will be so overweight that I won't be able to motivate myself at all. So Jeff and I have started to change a few things. The two main ones at this point is walking everyday and eating at the table. Sounds funny I know, but I think some of our problems is that we eat everything in front of the T.V. What happens then is that you eat too much and you don't get up afterwards. I end up staying down there watching TV all night. Not good. So we've decided that slow little changes is the best way to not get discouraged.

As for baby making progress, I still can't tell if I have ovulated or not. This clomid has really changed my cycle. I haven't been getting the tell-tell signs that I normally get. Maybe I just haven't ovulated yet... but it is a little late. Who knows.

Well, I'll write more tomorrow!

Shannon

It's A Beautiful Day In The Neighbourhood...

2007-03-07T13:16:00.001-08:00

What a gorgeous day we have here! Its 14 degrees outside! All the snow is melting, the streams are running down the side of the road... I love it! I can't wait for spring. I think spring is my favorite time of the year.

I always wanted to have a baby in the spring. I thought April or May would be great times to have a baby. New life is beginning all around you. There is a certain smell in the air that is just unbeatable. You can bring your baby outside without bundling it up in a snow suit, you can go for walks. Its just the best time to have a baby.

But, if I get pregnant this month there will be no spring baby. Instead there will be a Christmas baby... which sucks. I think of all the months of the year, December is the worst. Especially as officers. But I can't complain, because December would work well for Mom and Dad. It would be horrible to have the baby while they are away at work.

Either way, I don't care when I have a baby... as long as I have one!! That's all that matter!

Shannon

How to tell your hubby...

2007-03-06T16:54:00.000-08:00

I don't have much to write about today. It's been a strange day for me. This morning I was really busy, this afternoon I was really NOT busy, and tonight I am REALLY busy! I guess that's life. It did give me time to prepare a delicious meal for supper though. We had marinated steaks, with roasted potatoes and asparagus. YUM!

Anyways, I was just wondering.... how did all you moms tell your hubby's that you were pregnant? Did you surprise them? Did you find out together? The reason I ask is that I day-dream A LOT and I always wonder how I will let Jeff know. I have an idea that I have had from the beginning, but I was just wondering if there were any others out there? Leave me a comment with your story or idea.

Shannon

Home Again

2007-03-05T13:57:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone! Sorry it has been so long since my last post. I hate doing that to you ( I know what its like to check a blog everyday only to be disappointed!) but we have been very busy this weekend.

Yesterday we went to see our friends in Drumheller. They had a baby 4 weeks ago and we finally got to see him. He was such a cutie! We had a great time there (I have a great time whenever there is a baby involved!). We went out for supper and played Catan (Its a great board game... very addictive). Then we headed home at 11:00pm. It takes 2 hours to get back to High River! We ended up having to stop in Strathmore for the night. We thought we could make it home (Our friends tried to get us to stay there, we should have listened), but along with being tired it was so foggy that we were only able to go about 60km/hr. It would have taken us almost 3 1/2 hours at that rate. So we stopped at a hotel. It was great. We love hotels... so it was a mini vacation! Then we headed home this morning and had breakfast at Denny's! Great food!

Now we are home. Just got back from Grocery shopping actually, which I hate. And I am realising that I am very moody today. I'm fine one minute and then all of a sudden.... BAM... I'm yelling and kicking up a fuss about something! I feel like a kid having a tantrum! Poor Jeff.

Anyways, tomorrow I am suppose to ovulate (according to calculations)... but I don't think I will. You can usually tell when the eggs release. The clomid may have postponed it by a few days.

That's all the news on this end! Talk to you tomorrow!

Shannon